What're you lookin' at? | Ramblings from a self-proclaimed yada yada yada...ist

One year, again

For Kara's first birthday, I spent all night sizing pictures in Photoshop and racking my brain to extract stand-out moments for each month of her life. It only took three weeks for me to write her birth story - a four-part, minute-by-minute installment no less. I filled a quarter of her baby book by the time she turned eight weeks old. In other words, I've never had a problem formally documenting her life.

Yet I've been chewing on this post all weekend.

Originally I planned to weave my thoughts into a twelve-month update like I did for Kara's two-year post, but seeing as I published his eleven-month update just last week, I'm not exactly drowning in material there. Then I thought it might be a good time to finally write his birth story, except I haven't been able to purge more than a few sentences before I'm  breaking into a cold sweat because I DON'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING and my observations from the hospital aren't as detailed as they were with Kara. A freaking year ago, and still I need more time.

It's a hard pill for me to swallow, the fact that Kara's received so much literary fanfare while Nathan waits patiently for me to get my act together. I know he's only a toddler (a toddler!) and doesn't care a whit about such things; as a boy, he may never even ask about his baby book, but I am his mother and it matters to me. I made time for these rituals for Kara. Why is it so hard for me to do the same for him?

Trying to answer that question could very well eat me alive, so instead of rushing into some neatly packaged entry just to bring my son up to par with his sister, I'm just going to say what's in my heart.

Which is this: I have an amazing boy. Amazing! He is walking and chattering and eating pizza and drinking milk and just this afternoon we donned him in winter gear and pulled him around in a sled in the backyard. A year ago I couldn't have imagined this day, I was just nervous and excited to have another baby, and it was impossible to fathom that one day he would grow up to be older, to not be a baby, to become his own unique person instead of "just" my second child. I knew the basics of dealing with a newborn, I dreamed about the kids being eight and nine and the four of us having incredible adventures, but I have never been able to see Nathan as any age older than what he is. Even now with hair brushing his forehead and four teeth fighting to break through his top gums, I can't picture what he'll be like at two years old, or even eighteen months. I can see Kara, sort of, probably because she's a girl and bears such a strong resemble to me, but also because for as long as I wanted to be a mother, I have visualized having a daughter. Everything about Nathan - from his personality down to his very conception - has been a wonderful, complicated surprise.

To be honest, though, sometimes complicated outweighed the wonderful. Those first few months were some of the hardest of my life. Before Nathan was born, Luke and I thought we had it all figured out, having already parented one baby and experiencing all the ups and downs of that tumultuous first year. We knew we didn't have to follow every single piece of advice doled out by a medical professional, knew the importance of sleeping when the baby sleeps, knew it was okay to trust our gut on which routines and choices would best work for our family. What we didn't know was how truly easy we had it with Kara - her willingness to sleep, her ease in taking to the bottle, her acceptance of having her diaper changed without breaking glass with the volume of her cries. And on top of all that he was screamy and gassy and I was already paralyzed with guilt over not wanting to nurse anymore and we weren't sure if it was the formula or the bottle or what. All that knowledge gleaned from Kara and still we had to start over.

 

If you can't beat 'em, sob with 'em.

But it was a good lesson to learn, that parenting will always humble you, that children in the same family can be different in ways you never expected and battling through each challenge will make you appreciate their individuality even more. Nathan didn't sleep like Kara, didn't read like Kara, didn't even grow like Kara, but his character traits have been equally endearing nonetheless. His vocabulary at twelve months is larger than Kara's was at a year and a half; he's more adventurous with new foods (so far, anyway) and more spirited overall, thriving in chaos and noise, especially if he's the one making it.

I may not document all his quirks and mannerisms as often as I should, or even remember important facts as vividly as I should, but oh, my goodness, do I love my little boy. I love his bright smile and grabby fingers and cuddly neck and infectious hyena-like laugh. I love that he wants to sit on my lap at dinnertime even if keeping him from turning over my plate turns into an Olympic event. I love that he clings to me so much despite us being apart for such a large chunk of the work week.

Have I told you how much I love my son?

Happy birthday, Nathan, my favorite little handsome.

Month One

 

 

 

Month Two

  

Month Three

 

Month Four

 

 

Month Five  

 

 

Month Six

 

 

 

Month Seven

 

 

 

Month Eight 

 

 

Month Nine

 

 

 

Month Ten

  

 

 

Month Eleven 

  

 

 

Month Twelve (aka today)

 

And last but not least...

The One-Year Recap

And what a year it was.

My eleven-month-old...

… walks! Unless he's in a major hurry to get to some book or toy, Nathan is on his feet for the majority of the day. With his baby pot belly and bow-legged stride, he looks like a little muscle man parading around the house.
 
… had his last drop of formula on Martin Luther King Day, when Luke and I introduced whole milk instead of buying another container of Similac. Nathan took to it like a champ, and other than finishing his bottles more readily, we haven't noticed anything different, so there you go. Chapter closed. A tiny part of me is sad that he's taking this big-boy step already, but my bank account has no complaints.

… went from drinking five formula bottles a day to three milk bottles in a span of two weeks. He was fighting the mid-morning one something fierce, which was also the first to go for Kara, so it was quickly replaced with a snack and sippy cup of water. Since he was giving us similar problems at bedtime, we skipped that one, too, and offered water instead, which he accepted just fine. We increased the amount of milk he gets at meals to make up for the reduction in frequency, and again, golden. What this child has cost us in REM sleep he is slowly making up for in the eating department.

... sports two teeth on his top gums.
 
…is a chatterbox and makes sounds resembling "kitty," "cat," "duck," "dog," "puppy," "bunny," "night-night," "no," and other random words Luke and I are still deciphering. He’s been saying "mama" and "dada" for a while now, and he's also fond of "bop." If you think this is adorable, you would be right.
 
… enjoys playing with mega blocks, his Laugh and Learn puppy, Kara's tea set, and the figurines from her fire truck. He's also a big fan of trying to choke himself with the utensils from the play kitchen he and Kara received from Auntie Samantha and Uncle Dan at Christmas.

... loves to splash around in the tub.
 
… is more enthusiastic about reading, especially the books Bear Snores On, Little Bear's Bedtime, Barnyard Dance!, Big Dog, Little Dog, The Fire Engine Book, Can You Cuddle Like a Koala?, Good Night, Little Bear, The Foot Book, and the Animal Babies series.

... freaks out over snowmen and loved pointing to the gel window clings we had fastened to the sliding glass door.

... is now rocking the convertible car seat. I can't believe the Chicco lasted as long as it did - almost a year! We didn't make the switch until New Year's before our drive up north, and it was only due to his length; weight-wise, he was still well within the acceptable range. Nathan prefers this new arrangement much better, the extra space and increased visibility during travel, but his feet are cramped against the back seat, so we're counting the days until we can finally turn him around.
 
… gets a skin rash from raspberries.
 
… will eat just about any kind of table food you put in front of him. He loves sampling from our plates and goes wild until we share.
 
… is mesmerized by snow.
 
… likes to pounce on Kara and pull on her hair during diaper changes.

... continues to fight his own diaper changes, especially on the changing table. You'd think we were pulling his toe nails off one by one without anesthesia, he gets so upset.
 
… can crawl up the staircase fairly well (but never without supervision).

... still has a blank baby book. Seeing as his eleven-month update posted a week before his first birthday and his birth story still only exists in my head, I'm guessing you're not surprised.

... celebrated his big day with cake and presents three weeks early.

... is finally getting easier to manage when it comes to bedtime. He allows us to put him in the crib awake most of the time, and though he does fuss for a couple of minutes, he will go to sleep. He still goes down faster for Luke, though, and I continue to struggle with naptime, but it means so much to me to share the last few minutes of his day without choking back expletives while he thrashes against my chest. Now he wraps his arms around my neck and buries his face into me, and I tell you what, there is nothing better.

 

Contemplating life's mysteries as revealed in That's Not My Snowman!

 

A struggle-free diaper change? For serious? Momma, you crazy.

 

Mega (blocks) Man.

 

They're cousins, identical cousins (almost - in height, at least).

 

You want a piece of me and my turtle, on which I love to sit but have no semblance of control?

 

Evidence. 

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And finally, footage of my wittle baybee walking (sob). So amazing, such a miracle, he is. How can he go and turn ONE on me? Be still, my heart.

Twenty-something

What started as a "Hey, that looks like fun!" exercise gradually morphed into a "What a fantastic opportunity to document evey single detail of the last ten years" beast requiring hours of photo-searching and link-building. And each time I remember something new, I have to come back here and add it. I've already updated this entry three times since publishing it in the wee hours of the morning. Way to kill a light-hearted exercise, Frema.

Let's get this show on the road.

2000
Middle of sophomore year of college. Took advantage of Bacon Thursdays in the school cafeteria. Served as features editor of the biweekly newspaper and editor of the literary magazine. Joined the mock trial team and took my first plane ride since toddlerhood for a regional competition in Salt Lake City. Received my first cell phone as a birthday present, a pay-as-you-go kind that was bigger than my hand. Learned how to crochet from a dear friend. Wore my side bangs ridiculously long. Had what I now know to be my last fling with Nick, The Boyfriend Who Went For Three Weeks Without Calling, before meeting my next beau, Mike, during a month-long stint at Waldenbooks. Balanced the rest of my summer working hours at Navy Pier's Popcorn Palace and the Sam Goody in Water Tower Place in downtown Chicago, where celebrities would often make spontaneous appearances in the food court except on my lunch hour. Had my first car accident with my first car, a 1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass, in front of a Krispy Kreme because I had yet to master the delicate art of merging.

Received my first computer. Started junior year. Sister Samantha began her freshman year at Saint Joe. Waffled on my course of study (English was always on my radar, but I was super-ambitious and determined to get the most out of my loans by taking on a second major. Indecision eventually led to a minor in journalism.) Spent countless weekends in Chicago visiting Mike and ignoring everyone else. Scored the first of two speeding tickets driving back to campus from his apartment. Attended Molly and Kevin's wedding. My grandmother - my mother's mother who had lived downstairs from my family for the past ten years - passed away. Interviewed for an internship with my college town's daily newspaper and met Luke for the first time. Developed instant crush.

 

 

2001
Celebrated 21st birthday with Mike and his friends at a seventies and eighties dance club and drank my first martini. Broke up with Mike at the beginning of spring break but reunited with him by week's end. Broke up with him for good before the month was out. Attended a Kairos retreat through Saint Joe with Samantha. Served as co-chair for Saint Joe's Relay for Life team. Bought Luke in a charity bachelor auction and soon after begin dating. Had my first delicious taste of spinach and artichoke dip. Straightened my hair consistently, which led to countless burn marks on my forehead. Earned second speeding ticket and the suspension of my license for the duration of the summer, which meant Luke and I spent May through July driving back and forth from his apartment to the South Shore train station for weekend visits. That wasn't time-consuming at all!

Managed summer communications internship while continuing to work for the Palace. Discovered Liz Phair, thanks to a mixed tape from Luke. Saw Aerosmith and Dave Matthews Band in concert. Began senior year. Accepted internship with Saint Joe's publications and media relations department and wrote tons of feature articles and press releases for the magazine and Web site. Fell hard for Harry Potter. Started researching graduate schools and thinking about life after graduation.

 

 

2002
Organized my biggest PR event for Saint Joe while still an intern, a campus showing of American History X during African American History Month and arranging a Q&A with Frank Meeink, who inspired the movie. Graduated from college. Our family dog, Gyver, was put to sleep the day before the ceremony, unbeknownst to me until I came home. Started my first full-time job as Saint Joe's publications and media relations director and agreed to supervise a friend of mine, which in hindsight was a huge mistake but at least came with a sweet offer to live on campus for free. Bought my first new car eight seconds later, a beautiful Chevy Cavalier.

Took first overnight with Luke at Brown County State Park here in Indiana. Went on the first of two whitewater rafting trips with Saint Joe. Started classes in DePaul University's literary writing MA program. Put on an extra fifteen pounds as a result of restauranting with Luke, spending ten hours a day behind a desk, and sustaining myself on value meals, pub cheeseburgers, and blizzards. My family adopted our next dog right before Christmas, another German shepherd, a fiesty puppy named Styx.

  

 

2003
Joined Weight Watchers and lost seventeen pounds. Abandoned campus life to rent a house with a friend in town. Took and passed a three-hour qualifying exam in between trimesters. Went on my second whitewater rafting trip, this time with Luke and Samantha in tow. Visited a ton of state parks with Luke. Joined a writers' group in Rensselaer. Took an autobiography class at DePaul and learned about blogging. Started my first blog and updated it three times a week as part of a class assignment. Spent lots of money at New York and Company, The Limited, Victoria's Secret, and Bakers, courtesy of graduate school loan money. (Bad Frema!) 

Got into watching The Nanny reruns with my mother on Lifetime on the days I was in Chicago for class. Dabbled in cooking with a pumpkin pie (bland), sweet potatoes (lumpy), and a lemon torte (oddly shaped). Moved out of my rental house and into my very own apartment, a charming one-bedroom barely 450 square feet but with a low, low price tag of $220 a month. Spent Christmas vacation happily painting my living room, kitchen, and bathroom.

 

 

2004
Surprised Luke with a two-night bed-and-breakfast getaway in honor of his thirtieth birthday. Agreed to highlights for the first time. Introduced to Clinique through my coworker and coached on the importance of eye shadow primer. Started my first Blogger blog. Ate lunch at home more often and consequently fell into watching All My Children for the first time since my teen years. Made chicken and spaghetti. Perfected my spinach dip. Watched my sister Ryan graduate from eighth grade and brother Geo receive his junior class ring. Witnessed as Samantha was crowned Ms. Puma (my friend Jason acting as emcee for the event) accepted her elementary education degree, and embarked on a ten-day trip to Tanzania, Africa, with the college's Habitat for Humanity chapter. Participated in my own Habitat trip to Texas with Luke during Saint Joe's spring break for the magzine's spring cover story.

Wore acrylic nails with rounded tips in a variety of colors (cringe). Went to the dentist after a three-year hiatus. Extracted my wisdom teeth plus one molar, which would later be replaced with an implant. Wrote a terrible screenplay for class. Got into Sex and the City thanks to reruns on TBS. Became obsessed with Clinton and Stacy and What Not To Wear. Attended my first writers' workshop. Took a four-day trip with Luke to Philadelphia to visit friends. Cried happy tears as Dan proposed to Samantha! Began considering life after graduate school, which would end the following June. Chopped off my lusciously long hair.

 

 

2005
Celebrated the first Delurking Day. Totaled my precious Cavalier. Became engrossed in personal finance and the counsel of Suze Orman. Accepted a job offer with a company in Indianapolis, where I still work today. Involved in my second car accident in three months, this time not my fault, this time while driving my fancy new Cobalt. Purchased a bench on Saint Joe's campus and dedicated it to my parents. Moved to Indy. Earned my MA. Cohosted Samantha's wedding shower. Camped for the first time with Luke. Cancelled (gasp!) cable and went on to live without it for almost four years. 

Stood up in Dan and Samantha's wedding. Modeled in a volunteer fashion show. Moved in with Luke. Suffered the early stages of Baby Fever. Volunteered again for a dorky museum exhibit. Bought my famous Prada glasses. Started wrestling with religion. Became a mentor. Diagnosed with high cholesterol. Got engaged!

 

2006
Went off the Pill for the first time since I was 20. Shared my desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Attended a beautiful wedding shower for Luke and me. Struggled some more with religion and took communion in a Protestant church for the first time. Had the time of my life at my bachelorette party. Got married! Honeymooned in Niagara Falls. Rambled on about babies, weight loss, shoes, and my hair in too many entries to name here. Went on a newlyweds camping trip with Dan and Samantha. Cried over negative pregnancy tests even though we weren't officially Trying. Rejoiced over Luke's acceptance of an editor position with a local trade magazine after eleven months of temping.

Frequented IU's campus to visit Ryan and her high school sweetheart, Jason. Encountered a racist hair dresser. Lost my Auntie Debbie after a ten-year battle with brain cancer. Experimented with countless cookbook recipes and blogging memes. Introduced Weight Loss Wednesday. Participated in the inaugural NaBloPoMo, through which Tragic Love Friday was born. Hosted a cheesy love song CD swap with Dawnie. Unveiled my TypePad blog with a shiny new URL.

 

2007
Began attending an Episcopalian church. Saw Jerry Seinfeld with Luke. Debated moving closer to Chicago to be near friends and family. Embraced obsession with Howie Mandel and Deal or No Deal. Passed my first pregnancy test. Took a babymoon with Luke to Mackinac Island. Accepted a short-term teaching gig with Saint Joe covering Blogging 101 for mostly unenthusiastic undergrads. Started blogging for Parents.com, where I wrote "Parental Discretion Advised" for two years. Had a blast at BlogHer in Chicago. Posted the final entry to lil' Frema's TLF. Attended Luke's and my baby shower. Took a scary trip to the ER. Cried over missing Ryan and Jason's whirlwind wedding before he left for Army training. Paid off the Cobalt. Saw Tori Amos in concert for the second time. Gave birth to a daughter.

   

2008
Spent the first two months of the year on maternity leave. Struggled with nursing. Baptised Kara. Discovered LOST. Went back to work. Struggled again with finding my groove as a working mom. Took a break from the Internet. Came back and retired all the weeklies that had gone from fun to forced (hasta la vista, Weight Loss Wednesday). "Fell pregnant" again (whoopsie!). Met my adorable baby nephew. Published one of lil' Frema's poems. Bought a house. Documented sweet baby Marin's first hours in the world. Had another scary trip to the ER. Bid Ryan and Jason farewell as they moved to an Army base in Germany. Bought a new (used) family car.

Even with all the wonderful things that happened that year, I wasn't sorry to see 2008 come to an end. Never underestimate the difficulty of first-year parenting combined with a surprise second pregnancy and the joy that is first-time home buying. I've never felt less grounded or so not myself in all my life.

2009
(Mostly copied from the New Year's Q&A I posted at the beginning of the month.)
Gave birth to a baby boy. Ran my first 5K. Celebrated one-year of homeownership, three years of marriage, and five years of blogging. Bought a double stroller. Freaked out over a Gymboree class. Experienced the joy of DVR recording. Bought Spanx (which fits much better these days, thank you very much). Opened a Roth IRA for Luke. Left my children with a baby-sitter who wasn't a family member. Saw Billy Joel and Elton John in concert for the first time in eight years. Started drinking coffee (and I have totally given in to Starbucks). 

Was laid off (freelance-wise). Took a baby on an overnight trip all by myself. Joined Twitter and Facebook. Signed up for a half-marathon. Ran a trail race. Received a parent's introduction to Noggin (now Nick Jr.) and the joy that is Max and Ruby. Showered in a gym locker room. Found balance in my role as a working mom with two children. Applauded as my favorite little nephew turned one. Baptised Nathan. Sobbed as my firstborn daughter turned two.

 

We're going to make it after all.

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So, there you have it, the highlights of my twenties, mostly containing life-changing events, fundamental self-discovery, and heaping doses of self-doubt. Here's to a decade of growing more comfortable in my own skin (thankfully this has already started) and pushing limits I haven't even dreamed of yet.

Thirties, bring it on.

It's our birthday, get busy

Well, really it was only my birthday. Kara turned two three weeks ago, and Nathan won't be one until the end of the month, but we did have a joint party for them today, so it counts. Anyway, the celebration started yesterday, when I came upon my office to find pink streamers on the ceiling and a red feather boa taped to my door, courtesy of my coworkers.

 

Luke e-mailed the picture (and more, I'm told!) to my boss at her request two weeks ago. Thanks, honey.

 

Festive yet work-friendly.

The two biggest accomplishments of my twenties.

It was a great day. Luke and I decided to go with a pirate theme for the kids' party, which we loved. For Kara's first birthday, decorations never even crossed our minds, we were so frazzled (and broke) preparing for Nathan's arrival, but this year since we were doing two for the price of one, we figured the expense was worth it. We didn't get everything, mainly a banner, tablecoths, candles, and food and drink stuff, but it was just enough to make the house feel festive.

Luke and I originally wanted to get something to do with monkeys, since Kara and Nathan both love them with the passion of a thousand suns, but Party City didn't have monkeys. They did have Winnie the Pooh, Dora the Explorer, Spongebob Squarepants, Seasame Street, and The Little Mermaid. The kids are still too little to really care much, and we like pirates a whole lot, so there you go.

There was birthday cake:

And the eating of cake:

 

And lots of laughing with family and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn't have asked for a better way to jumpstart my thirties. What a wonderful day.

(Up next: reflections on my twenties.)

Not like the ones I used to know

When it comes to celebrating the holidays as a parent to small children, I struggle. Luke and I, we get so bogged down by day-to-day rituals that it's hard to find energy for "extra" things like gingerbread houses and Christmas caroling. It's funny, because growing up my family didn't do those types of things, just did the basics like Santa Claus and stockings, and that was good enough for me, but now as an adult I feel all this pressure to step it up a notch for my own kids. Kara was barely a week old for her first Christmas, so it wasn't an issue then, but I definitely felt guilty last year when pregnancy invaded every fiber of my being and it was all I could do just to get her presents wrapped and under the tree. No cookies in the oven, no wreath on the door, no snowman in the back yard; we didn't even go to church. Not that Kara noticed any of this. But I felt like a failure in terms of maximizing her Christmas experience.

This year, I was easier on myself. Two babies in two years takes a lot of adjusting to, more than I realized, and I figure it's okay to skimp on the extras while we're still getting our sea legs. There's plenty of time for crafts and baking and any other traditions we may want to take on in the future. So until then, Luke and I are keeping things simple. This year we focused on decorating our house early in the season, enjoying the chaos of Black Friday while Luke's parents watched the kids, and introducing Kara to Santa Claus and the story of Jesus's birth.

The actual holiday was also low-key; thanks to all the half days I took in October and November to care for sick babies, I had to work on Christmas Eve, but we still managed to get ourselves to church that night (thankfully there was a service at seven geared towards families with kids) and leave our first snack of milk and cookies for Santa when we got home. We gave the kids baths and dolled them up in festive pajamas and gathered them together for a reading of The Night Before Christmas before putting them to bed. And once they were asleep, Luke and I finished wrapping their presents, made some popcorn, caught up on some TV, and went to bed, visions of a full night's sleep dancing in our heads, instead of sugarplums.

The kids were up by six-thirty the next morning, ready to start the day.

 

Kara observing evidence of Santa's arrival. Santa was a big fan of Mrs. Fields' chocolate chip cookies.

 

Checking out the goods.

 

The kids go ape over snowmen these days, so the wrapping paper alone would have been enough to occupy them for hours. Why even bother with presents?

 

Yessiree Bob, that is some pretty spectacular wrapping paper. We could sit here all day and just hang out with this here wrapping paper. Momma and Daddy aren't in for a long morning at all!

Did you know that stockings could actually be used for their original intended purpose? Here, let Kara model one for you.

Time for the adults to reclaim Christmas. Open your presents already!

What, doesn't everybody pull off three inches of paper at a time?

Finally getting into the spirit and enjoying their puzzles. The Little People house you see in the background was Kara's birthday present.

 

Luke examining Kara's fire truck. She is still all about transportation and it showed in her gifts.

Luke reading one of several new books, Sandra Boynton's Barnyard Dance!, which is freaking awesome.

Nathan checking out his new phone among piles of mega blocks, Kara's feet swinging in the background.

Me and the kids. The picture quality is just meh, but Kara's pucker is priceless.

Mother and son mugging for the camera. To say I felt more myself this Christmas than the past two combined would be a severe understatement, and I think it shows here, how content I am.

The loot. Luke and I had such a fun time picking out gifts this year, working hard to find the right balance of plastic crap with handmade dolls, puzzles, and books. Initially there were two more presents in the mix, a tea set for Kara and trio of Melissa and Doug vehicles for Nathan, but the night before Christmas Eve I had everything grouped together and was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was all too much for children so young. So we put the tea set aside to return to Target and took away Nathan's vehicles, to be included as part of his birthday present. And yet it STILL took us an hour to get through everything, and it was hard to remain patient, but one day when they're school-aged and tearing through their stuff in ten minutes, I will look back on this day and be thankful for the chance to savor it all: the ability to spoil our kids without breaking the bank on trendy clothes and gadgets, their joy in discovering new things, adults finding peace amid chaos. A merry Christmas, indeed, overall.

From '09 to '10

I have a days-old draft post filled with pictures from Christmas morning, but since we just entered a New Year, posting this first seemed more appropriate. Taken from Sundy's blog, who originally found it on Grenworld.com.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Gave birth to a baby boy. Ran my first 5K. Celebrated one-year of homeownership, three years of marriage, and five years of blogging. Bought a double stroller. Freaked out over a Gymboree class. Experienced the joy of DVR recording. Bought Spanx (which fits much better these days, thank you very much). Left my children with a baby-sitter who wasn't a family member. Saw Billy Joel and Elton John in concert for the first time in eight years. Started drinking coffee (and I have totally given in to Starbucks). Was laid off (freelance-wise). Took a baby on an overnight trip all by myself. Joined Twitter and Facebook. Signed up for a half-marathon. Ran a trail race. Received a parent's introduction to Noggin (now Nick Jr.) and the joy that is Max and Ruby. Showered in a gym locker room. Found balance in my role as a working mom with two children. Applauded as my favorite little nephew turned one. Sobbed as my firstborn daughter turned two.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I wrote a lot about long-term goals and short-term resolutions around this time last year, and from those lists, I did make good on a lot of them. I'm more comfortable in my body than I've been in a long time and more conscious of wearing the right hat at the right time in terms of juggling priorities; I'm also gaining more confidence in my parenting and putting sleep ahead of other things like reading or blogging, which always, always pays off. On a tactical level, my little unit also did well: we opened a Roth IRA for Luke and paid off the new used family car we bought last December (both financial items brought to us by the first-time homeowner's tax credit). Luke and I did take a kids-free vacation to celebrate our anniversary, and it was heavenly, even if it was only for one night. I didn't post a blog entry once a week, but I did post more often without compromising other responsibilities, and I feel good about that. Same for the book-a-month thing; that didn't happen, but I did read more, and more importantly, I enjoyed what I read. We found a local church that we like and now attend a couple of times a month. And last but not least, exercise is slowly becoming a part of my everyday life. 2009 was a huge win overall. (Even though we STILL don't have a will or living trust. Personal finance FAIL!)

And 2010 will be moreso. At work, my team got together to discuss our personal and professional goals for the year; here's what I wrote for my personal goals:

• Complete the Mini-Marathon in May
• Attend 8/10 company racing circuit events
• Volunteer again (1 hour/week for a elementary school reading program I used to be a part of)
• Build a six-month emergency fund
• Have regular date nights with Luke
• Be a more patient mother
• Visit family in Chicago every 4 to 5 weeks
• Take a family vacation
• Take a full week off not related to maternity leave (no babies in 2010!)

The Chicago goal is too ambitious, and I'll never be as patient a mother as my children deserve, but in general these goals represent all that's important to me--health, marriage, family, self--and all are attainable with discipline and hard work.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?



Outside of the Internets, no, just me.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No close family or friends, but a woman at work lost her battle with leukemia last fall, and that hit me pretty hard, reminding me to count my blessings and never take my health for granted.

5. What countries did you visit?



None.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Sleep. Energy. I had them in spurts in 2009, but now that Luke and I are about to experience a year free from the trials and tribulations of first-year parenting (knocks on wood virgorously), I'm hoping we can enjoy more of both in 2010. Focus would be nice, too, so that I'm not always bouncing between the eight million things on my to-do list, and patience, for obvious reasons.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 31 - Nathan's birth. December 17 - Kara's birthday. September in general will stay with me because of my 5K.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having my son. Meeting physical challenges that once seemed impossible.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Selfishness in allowing Luke to actively support my goals without always doing the same for him. In hard times, failing to keep my emotions in check while parenting.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

C-section recovery was a bitch this time around, not helped by a two-story house and a toddler who wanted Momma to pick her up, up, up, all the time.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our iPod shuffle, to help with running.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Kara's, for coming such a long way verbally. To hear her talk now, you'd never know how worried Luke and I were about her saying anything other than "Go, go!" Luke's, for managing the schedules of two babies while at home.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A person I can't identify online.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage, diapers, wipes, formula, baby clothes, and Papa Murphy's pizza.

15. What did you get really excited about?

Nathan's birth. The season premiere of LOST. Getting into reading again. Black Friday Christmas shopping. Doing the Jingle Bell Run. That was even better than my first 5K because I wasn't as nervous and I didn't have to run it alone.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

That "Forever" song by Chris Brown because it was effing everywhere, even showing up on The Office for Jim and Pam's wedding, and "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga because SHE was effing everywhere; also because it's a really motivating running song, so it's always on my playlist.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Happier, definitely.
– thinner or fatter? Thinner. Childbirth will do that for you!

– richer or poorer? Richer in regards to investments, poorer in that we're spending more per month on everyday expenses.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleep. Make love. Save. Read. Stick to our budget. Spend even more time outdoors as a family.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?



Procrastinate. Yell. Worry. Make excuses. Let things fester. Become overwhelmed by domestic minutiae.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At home with Luke and the kids playing with new toys, then searching for a restaurant that was open so we didn't have to cook dinner. IHOP advertised on its Web site that it would be open on Christmas Day, and we even double checked to make sure our local chain was on the list, and it was, except when we got there, it was lights out, empty parking lot, nothing. We drove around for almost an hour before ending up at Hardee's, and if that's not the saddest thing you ever heard, eating a fatty, greasy cheeseburger with onion rings on the day of Jesus's birth, I don't know what is.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yes, with my new little foursome, and with running (though it's a love/hate relationship). There was also a brief affair with Jillian Michaels and the 30 Day Shred, which I will forever be grateful to for helping me lose a good chunk of baby weight.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Luke and I discovered a few new shows this year; my favorites are Two and a Half Men, 30 Rock, and Man vs. Food. Standing faves include LOST and Fringe; I'm becoming less enchanted with The Office every year, to the point that I wonder if I'll even be watching come the season finale.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Not hate, no, but there's one person I like a whole lot less, the same person mentioned in number 13, and I'll leave it at that. If anything, I'm trying to be more forgiving, especially in instances where I can't even put my finger on the original source of conflict.

24. What was the best book you read?

Eat Pray Love ranks first (I cannot WAIT for the sequel to be released this month), with The Lovely Bones second (the movie will be released nationwide on January 15, and so help me, God, I want to be there).

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?


It was actually rediscovering Tori Amos's older music.

26. What did you want and get?

A healthy child. A healthier body. A sense of peace.

27. What did you want and not get?

Sleeeeeeep.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I haven't been to the show since I was pregnant with Kara, and thanks to the various programming choices on satellite TV, I don't think Luke and I rented a movie together even once.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I visited an out-of-town printer with my boss, who brought in donuts, and came home to a corned beef dinner prepared by Luke. That was about it since I was big as a house with Nathan and hella uncomfortable to boot. I turned 29. (Just like this question!)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A better experience with nursing. Fewer episodes of nighttime parenting. Fewer bouts of illness with the kids.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

For much of the year, it was "Dress to camoflauge as much baby weight as possible." That changed some after doing the Shred this summer and even more after I started running. I'm looking forward to happier clothing experiences in 2010.

32. What kept you sane?

Reading. Blogging, when time allowed. Exercising, especially building on my running mileage. Popcorn time with Luke at the end of a long day.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jillian Michaels. Suze Orman. Elizabeth Gilbert.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?



Healthcare and education.

35. Who did you miss?


My family and friends that I don't see everyday, especially my sister Ryan and brother-in-law Jason, who moved to an army base in Germany at the end of 2008. Luke and the kids when traveling for work.

36. Who was the best new person you met?



Nathan, of course! Also Katy, who will likely prove to be a critical source of motivation in training for the Mini.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Easy does it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The hardest to learn was the least complicated. "Least Complicated," Indigo Girls

The older I get, the more I find myself relying on tacky cliches to get me through hard times or summarize what I'm thinking or feeling; turns out those cliches became popular for a reason. Who knew?

Happy 2010 from my family to yours. May all your goals come true this year.

(Yes, I've posted this picture before, but what can I say? I really like it.)

Shower the people you love with a long, boring story about locker room politics

Before I left for an overnight business trip to Tampa two weeks ago, I signed up for a gym membership through work with the rationale that the minute I returned I would dive headfirst into pre-training for the Mini. My plan for the next few weeks involves experimenting with all the different aspects of training to smooth out out any potential kinks, everything from keeping pace on a treadmill to defining "cross-training" within the running community. Come the third week in January, I want all of my fears surrounding the logistical aspects of training to be laid to rest so that I'm not thrown off-track by something like operating equipment at the gym. No anxiety over the unfamiliar, no distractions, just me concentrating on my goal.

Except that I never actually made it to the gym. Of course, there was always a perfectly valid reason not to go: waking up late, errands after work, Christmas shopping to do, blah blah blah. Then last night I realized that hey! All these excuses aren't doing my training (or my waistline) any favors. Throw into the mix that I'm standing up in a wedding in September and shopping for bridesmaids dresses commences in four short weeks, and voila! Instant mental kick in the pants.

So on Sunday night I decided that this was the week to get the proverbial ball rolling. Despite the upcoming holiday and consequent onslaught of goodies sure to blanket every surface of my office (who recommits to health and fitness BEFORE the New Year?), despite hosting my sister's family the previous weekend, despite getting under the covers at a quarter to one. This was the week. Monday was the day.

When I set my alarm for just four hours later, though, I had my doubts. Luke was also concerned.

"Maybe you should just push it off until after work," he said. "I can take care of the kids through dinner and even do bedtime."

It was tempting, but too late. My work clothes and shower gear had been stuffed into a backpack. Lunch was made. The iPod was loaded. A padlock had been located for securing my cubby in the locker room. I'd even outlined a brief schedule to account for every major chunk of time between leaving the house and arriving at my office. An extra twenty minutes of sleep after all that careful planning wouldn't add enough to my day to justify skipping the workout, I reasoned. More importantly, the longer I waited to get to the gym, the less likely I was to follow through.

"I'll set the alarm and see what happens," I said. "If I'm too tired, I'll wait. But at least I want to try."

And I did try, first at 4:40 a.m. when my alarm started beeping, then again at five. I felt Luke's warm body next me, sensed the presence of Kara's feet near my hips, and thought how nice it would be to cuddle as a family a little while longer. But I got up, anyway, and thirty minutes after my feet left the mattress, I was following a 5K loop on the treadmill. I ran 3.1 miles in under 35 minutes, gave myself a hearty pat on the back, and made my way down to the locker room, where I would shower and get ready for work.

This is where things get interesting.

Now, I don't consider myself a prude by any means, but when it comes to getting dressed in front of people who either a) don't share my DNA or b) didn't contribute to the conception of my children, I'm a little shy. Love handles, tire gut, back fat--these are parts of my body I'm not exactly excited to show the rest of the world; in fact, I prefer taking any steps necessary (short of surgery) to give society the faulty impression that I am absent of any of these physical flaws. I don't wear bikinis or low-rise jeans, and unless it's a ring-collar tee-shirt, I never wear a top without sporting a control-top shaper underneath. An argument could be made, I suppose, that I should be happy with my body as is and that hiding my natural shape is a slap in the face to women's lib, but ladies, there's nothing natural about my back fat. Not when it consists of french fries, cheeseburgers, and ice cream, and certainly not when, with a moderate dose of healthy eating and exercise, I can make it disappear. Which I totally plan to do. It's just taking some time.

(Plus, my high school may be the only one in North America where showering after gym class wasn't required. There were showers for that purpose, yes, but the instructor always ended class a few minutes before the bell, so there wasn't enough time to clean up without being late for your next class, and washing the stench from your arm pits wasn't a valid excuse for tardiness. And in going to the gym as an adult in years past, I either went after quitting time or, if it was in the morning, went back home to get ready for work. Granted, I did go back and forth from my dorm room to the community showers on my floor wearing only a towel, but I was 18 then, and too blissfully young to be appropriately insecure.)

Anyway, where was I? The locker room. Right. Long story short, I am not a fan of changing in the locker room. But the gym is closer to my job than it is to my house, so overall, getting dressed there is definitely the best solution.

It was around six-thirty that I started pulling out my shower things, and overall activity at the gym was still pretty low. Still, I debated the best plan of action for even getting to the shower. Should I strip down now and just wear my towel or walk over in my sweaty running clothes and strip inside the stall? In the end, I stripped in the stall because the idea of soaking my clean towel with perspiration just didn't seem right to me.

The actual shower was uneventful, even pleasant because the water pressure was good and there weren't any children trying to climb their way in (though I did make a note to purchase some cheapie rubber flip-flops because the ones I had on featured cloth lining and probably weren't intended for full-on H2O immersion). Once I was all cleaned up, I wrapped my towel around my chest, grabbed my clothes from off the floor, and made my way back to my locker, where business casual attire and my trusty black shaper awaited.

At first I was the only woman there, but the thought that somebody could join me any minute kept me from ever letting my guard down. I cursed the length of my towel as it constantly slipped from my grasp, holding it in place with my chin as I slipped on my underwear, then cinching it around my waist by leaning into my backpack so I could quickly fasten my bra. It wasn't until my pants were on and the shaper was in place that I could fully relax and go through the rest of my routine without feeling so self-conscious. And even then I was on edge, as I kept dashing back and forth between my locker and the sink to retrieve my moisturizer, Q Tips, and hair spray.

The more times I do this, going to the gym before work, the more natural it will become, and I won't always care about another female catching an eyeful of thigh. I know this. That's why I'm in pre-training now, so that I can overcome my silly inhibitions and fears before they have a chance to negatively impact my regimen. I've run on a trail and in my neighorbood, in rain, shine, and below-freezing temperatures. I've run on a treadmill. I signed up for a gym and got my first time out of the way, and I'll get a tour of the equipment this Saturday. I earned a $50 gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods for my level of participation (four to five events) in my company's racing circuit, so I'll be getting better workout clothes. And soon I'll have a training program. The pieces are falling into place. It won't be long before they're all working together.