Crushin'

Tonight, feeling somewhat literary as I began proofreading the first four chapters of Chris's novel, I came across a character, Mackenzie, who had an obsession with one of the boys at his school. Later, Mackenzie realized how badly he wanted to befriend him.

How easy it is to harvest an obsession, for whatever reason, especially when you're in high school. You're still so impressionable, still on the prowl for an everyday hero. It was around my junior year that I found one of my own. Her name was Ellen, and I thought she was one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen. She had this great long brown hair and a sharp sense of humor that couldn't be matched. Ellen was a part of every vital organization my high school had - student council, theatre, Christian Life Community, etc. - and was always surrounded by a crowd of people wherever she went. My eyes followed her movements during lunchtime, sought her out in the classes we shared.... Sometimes just being within earshot of her was enough to warm me up for the rest of the day. I took a picture of the two of us from one of the school plays and stored it in my memory box, the same place that housed love letters and mementos from old boyfriends. I even wrote a poem about her, never telling anyone but my sister who it was about.

Sounds like love, doesn't it? Maybe it was. I certainly admired Ellen for being so confident and witty and self-assured, never caring about what people thought about her but still doing her best to make others feel welcome. We were in a lot of the same activities together, and I thought we were so much alike, both of us spreading ourselves thin, both of us aiming for that star with your name written all over it. I used to pray to God for us to become closer, for her to see in me just a little bit of what I saw in her. I remember one night needing to call her at home about some drama club meeting and I nearly wet myself out of fear. I dialed her number and hung up twice beore actually completing the call. And, honestly, I think part of the reason I chose Saint Joe was so that I could be around Ellen just a little while longer. When I latch on to people, it's always a struggle to let them go.

I don't feel the same way about Ellen anymore, and I used to wonder what the hell was wrong with me for tagging along after some girl like a little lost puppy. But now I realize how simple it was: I just wanted to be understood. Ellen never did - at least, not in the way I wanted her to - but she gave me something to look forward to, something to strive for, and that was enough. After all, that's what the people in your life are for, no matter who they are.

Comments

[Anonymous]

If your Ellen is the one I'm thinking of, I totally understand where you are coming from, and can see the similarities between your two personalities, and also, the stark differences, which is a good thing :). I also identified a lot with Kenzie, and a lot with his older sister at the same time. Hell, I identified with all the characters in the book, like Chris took me and and took one trait from me and put each one in its own character, complete with the flaws those traits entailed. But enough of this, work beckons!

DavidM