Your mom strips my membranes!

Today is a big day for the Frema-Useless Clutter household. This afternoon, we're going to hear the baby's heartbeat! Seeing as I can barely keep anything down and that I've already lost about five pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, it'll be comforting to know my poor dietary habits haven't affected lil' Freke's prenatal development.

(What do you guys think of "Freke" as a nickname for the baby? I'm not into the traditional "peanut" or "sweet pea" or any of the other various food-inspired pet names most people use. Silly Hily came up with "Freke" as a creative way to use combine Luke's and my names until we find out the baby's gender. If your first impression is, "Not so much," how did you/would you refer to any children in your womb?)

Anyway, since I promised myself I wouldn't wait until Wednesday to post, here is a sampling of the assvice stories I've received so far. Remember, they don't have to relate to pregnancy or parenthood, so keep 'em coming!

Rachel was warned about the "dangers" of spicy food:

When I was pregnant with Kaylie, alot of the women I worked with at the time always had something to say about the food I was eating.  If I was eating something spicy, they would tell me I was going to "burn that baby up".  Yeah, because the spices from the food that is going into MY stomach are going to somehow leave my stomach and travel to my uterus and set my unborn child on fire!

Meanwhile, Liza's barrista gave her a helpful hint about caffeine intake:

My favorite pregnant assvice story is really about unbelievably poor customer asservice.

There is a Big Chain Coffee Place in the building where I work. And while I cut back on caffeine while I was pregnant, I never did give it up. More power to people who do, but I was not one of them.

For most of the pregnancy I had a cup of tea or coffee at home and about every other day, another at work. One day in month 8, or maybe even month 9, I went down to get my usual grande skim latte. After I placed my order, the (male) manager looked at me and pointedly said, "Decaf, right?"

At first, I was actually confused, and wondered if he had me confused with another regular customer. Then it hit me that he was actually trying to not sell me caffeinated coffee because I was pregnant.

And poor Britt was presented with an Indecent Proposal for the new millenium:

Since I carried my baby a week past my due date, I had to listen to everyone's assvice on how to go into labor. I was advised to do everything from jumping on a trampoline to standing on my head. Proper research indicates that such things only work when you're already in early labor which I was nowhere near. In fact, to this day I still believe that my body is incapable of going into labor on it's own. I'd be sitting here 13 months pregnant if I hadn't been induced.

The most shocking and unusual of the assvice I received was from a woman at church who told me that I should have my husband strip my membranes. This assvice came only two days after my doctor told me that he wouldn't strip my membranes because I wasn't dilated far enough yet. The woman told me that her husband did hers while receiving instructions from a midwife over the phone, and she went into labor within 24 hours. She told me that it's very easy to do and that she would send her husband to my house to help, if I wanted.

So a woman offered for her not-doctor-husband to come to my house and fiddle around with my girl parts. I politely declined.

Ya think?!

Comments

[Michelle]

We referred to the fetus as BH for Baby and our last name. When we found out she was a girl, we changed that to BGH. Heck, she was BGH for several hours after she was born because even with 4.5 months to think, we couldn't agree on a name.

Who am I kidding, we still call her that amongst ourselves. Especially in e-mails.

[Rachel]

I don't really remember what we called Alyssa before we knew she was a she. I like Freke, clever, but, um is it pronounced like freak? Because I vote no if it is.

And, OMG, Britt's assvice story is damn hilarious! I can't imagine anyone volunteering their husband to come over and, um, strip anything!

Seriously, Frema, try not to set the baby on fire though!

[Frema]

Rachel: The pronounciation would indeed be "freak." That's part of the charm, right?

Right?

[Isabel]

Dude, my husband is not allowed to strip my membranes.

[Silly Hily]

So, Frema and I were talking one day in an e-mail and I was trying to help her come up with a name for the baby, you know like a Brangelina of Tomkat type thing. I said Fruke and Luma don't really work and "your baby sure can't be a 'Freke'." So, I was at a loss. That is, until Frema was all "'Freke is hysterical." And then I think I snorted because well, if she thinks it's funny then so do I. Sweet Pea out...Freke in!

Brit's story? Dude! I never had morning sickness but I might have thrown up on that woman's shoes.

[Rachel]

You know how when you give someone a nickname it sticks with them? You know?

That's all I'm sayin.

[Nichole]

I think Freke's pretty awesome, but I have to second Rachel here. We called the baby Piper (we had a Piper Cub sign in the nursery) for months and months while we tried to decide on a name. The name we finally decided on? Piper.

Not that I think you'd actually name your baby Freke. But who knows?

Anyway, my brother and another friend want us to name baby #2 Chester. So Chester it is, at least until we find out whether it's a girl or a boy.

[Katie]

Even in the post about horrible advice, I'm tempted to give unasked-for advice!! Will I ever recover from this? In my defense, I have rarely given advice in real life. Just online. Because I'm afraid to actually speak to people in real life.

Hmm, I think I'm with Rachel - I don't know about Freke. It just sounds kind of negative. But my kids feel that "Butt" is a term of affection, and use it as such, and we seem to not be suffering any self-esteem problems from it, lol!

Of course, the most creative in-utero name we've come up with during three pregnancies is "Baby", so I'm not exactly an expert in this subject! Right now we're calling the baby "he or she". At the beginning of the pregnancy, I was thinking "she", but recently (I'm 25 weeks), I've been thinking "he" more often.

[Jessie]

Those are great, but I do have to say "Wow" to the offer Britt received. Some people really don't know when to stop being "helpful", do they? Again, wow.

[Elizabeth]

How do you pronounce Freke? Is it like Freak?
Cause that is damn funny.

[VirginiaGal]

Freke certainly is interesting. And by interesting I mean "you are free to do what you want, but I wouldn't do that." In the best Southern way.

[Audrey]

I love Freke! When I saw it, before reading on, I thought "I hope that's the baby's nickname, becuase it would be so Frema-esque!" Love it. I think you should keep it even after you learn the gender. Unless, you know, you don't want to. I suppose it is YOUR baby to nickname as you please.

[Brittany]

I like Freke, but I'm also not opposed to slighty insulting nicknames. Forget the 'honeys' and 'sweeties.' I call my husband 'Hot Dog Head.' I also grew up being referred to as 'Buttany.' The name will grow on little Freke.

[Brittany]

Oh yeah, how was Freke's heartbeat???

[daddy d]

Just leave the medical work to the doctors and their staff. Some kinds of help result in too much help of the wrong kind.

[Art Nerd]

I like Freke, but I pronounce it like it's Dutch or something. Freaky-deaky Dutch- Free-kuh. :)

Stripping? Membranes? I know enough to know not to Google that, thanks!!

[ro]

Maybe that's going to be the new pick-up line...."Hey babe, can I strip your membranes?" Eewwww. Double eewww.

My name suggestion would be "Bun". It's kind of along the line of cutsie, but also fun. (bun in the oven)

[debi]

If I admit that I don't care that much for "Freke" I will feel like a jerk when you keep the name. Although I have to admit it is the perfect combo of your 2 names. If the membranes tale is true, Oh My God! Ro's comment" Hey babe can I strip your membranes?" made me choke on my toast. Love it.

[casey]

We called G'man 'booger' in the womb. I like it.. but I do like Freke ALOT!

[Molly]

Mother of Icky Bobo checking in. We allowed KJ to name Jack in utero, and, well, two year olds are creative. I personally would have gone with Chicken Taco or something.

The fact that we called him Icky for many months really didn't do any harm, and it didn't stick.

I love Freke!!

[Amanda]

I'm a little late, I know (just started reading your blog).

We called our son (before we knew what gender), Cletus the fetus. That still cracks me up :)