Today is a big day for the Frema-Useless Clutter household. This afternoon, we're going to hear the baby's heartbeat! Seeing as I can barely keep anything down and that I've already lost about five pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, it'll be comforting to know my poor dietary habits haven't affected lil' Freke's prenatal development.
(What do you guys think of "Freke" as a nickname for the baby? I'm not into the traditional "peanut" or "sweet pea" or any of the other various food-inspired pet names most people use. Silly Hily came up with "Freke" as a creative way to use combine Luke's and my names until we find out the baby's gender. If your first impression is, "Not so much," how did you/would you refer to any children in your womb?)
Anyway, since I promised myself I wouldn't wait until Wednesday to post, here is a sampling of the assvice stories I've received so far. Remember, they don't have to relate to pregnancy or parenthood, so keep 'em coming!
Rachel was warned about the "dangers" of spicy food:
When I was pregnant with Kaylie, alot of the women I worked with at the time always had something to say about the food I was eating. If I was eating something spicy, they would tell me I was going to "burn that baby up". Yeah, because the spices from the food that is going into MY stomach are going to somehow leave my stomach and travel to my uterus and set my unborn child on fire!
Meanwhile, Liza's barrista gave her a helpful hint about caffeine intake:
My favorite pregnant assvice story is really about unbelievably poor customer asservice.
There is a Big Chain Coffee Place in the building where I work. And while I cut back on caffeine while I was pregnant, I never did give it up. More power to people who do, but I was not one of them.
For most of the pregnancy I had a cup of tea or coffee at home and about every other day, another at work. One day in month 8, or maybe even month 9, I went down to get my usual grande skim latte. After I placed my order, the (male) manager looked at me and pointedly said, "Decaf, right?"
At first, I was actually confused, and wondered if he had me confused with another regular customer. Then it hit me that he was actually trying to not sell me caffeinated coffee because I was pregnant.
And poor Britt was presented with an Indecent Proposal for the new millenium:
Since I carried my baby a week past my due date, I had to listen to everyone's assvice on how to go into labor. I was advised to do everything from jumping on a trampoline to standing on my head. Proper research indicates that such things only work when you're already in early labor which I was nowhere near. In fact, to this day I still believe that my body is incapable of going into labor on it's own. I'd be sitting here 13 months pregnant if I hadn't been induced.
The most shocking and unusual of the assvice I received was from a woman at church who told me that I should have my husband strip my membranes. This assvice came only two days after my doctor told me that he wouldn't strip my membranes because I wasn't dilated far enough yet. The woman told me that her husband did hers while receiving instructions from a midwife over the phone, and she went into labor within 24 hours. She told me that it's very easy to do and that she would send her husband to my house to help, if I wanted.
So a woman offered for her not-doctor-husband to come to my house and fiddle around with my girl parts. I politely declined.