We're having the Butterfinger pie tonight, and no, I didn't forget the bacon

Today I went to the store to pick up bacon and a tomato for dinner. I ended up walking out with two pints of Ben and Jerry's, Butterfinger pie courtesy of my grocer's freezer, and three taffy apples. God help me, I even thought about cinnamon rolls.

I think it's safe to say the third trimester is officially here.

My workload continues to increase each day, but I'm crossing off items on my to-do list at an equally rapid pace, so things are balancing out. The end is in sight, and I find myself more concerned with bigger-ticket items like getting life insurance, making out a will, and finding an intern to handle story assignments at work while I'm on maternity leave. Plus, I'm so excited about having twelve weeks to do nothing but bond with my baby that everything else is starting to pale in comparison.

Speaking of corporate America, sometimes I think my coworkers forget I won't be around for three months come December 10th. Just today, one of them asked me to remind them about starting a project "sometime near the end of the year."

Ha! At that point I'll be busy cramming my boob into a child's mouth. Good luck with that one.

I welcomed trimester number three on Monday with a trip to the doctor to check my blood sugar. Everything is peachy keen--the measurement of my uterus is perfectly in sync with Freka's due date, and I was complimented on my fifteen-pound weight gain to date--but there was a scary moment where the doctor heard a tiny blip in between one set of the baby's heartbeats and left me in a room hooked up to a fetal monitor for twenty minutes, which, way to freak out an emotionally hormonal pregnant woman. Also, as of yesterday morning, I've been taking an iron supplement to combat dangerously low iron levels. Guess I should've been more on the ball with taking those damn prenatals after all.

In other news, I think I've finally figured out a way to handle tacky remarks that shows my discomfort without putting the offender too much on the defensive. Last week, the facilities manager saw me taking a piece of hard candy out of Betty's candy jar and cried, "If you keep eating stuff like that, you're just going to keep getting bigger!"

Plastering a smile to my face, I replied, "Now, that's not nice," which caused him to grab my hand and talk about me being blessed with the miracle of life and blah dee blah blah blah. It came in handy again this afternoon when one of my work friends exclaimed that I looked like I was about to explode. After I delivered said line, she hurriedly went on to say that my weight gain was all in the belly and don't I look wonderful and pregnancy sooo agrees with me.

Mission accomplished.

On a (sort of) related note, it's been a while since we talked about assvice around here. Anyone have a juicy story to share?

Comments

[Molly]

Score you!! The perfect one-liner for all of your favorite pregnancy comments.

I was always a personal fan of the, "stop holding your baby so much - you're going to spoil him" assvice. Around the elderly much? Get ready to hear that one all. the. time. For some reason, the folks a few generations back were not big on snuggling up to those little lives they'd spent the previous nine months hauling around with them. Just put em' down, and leave em' down.

That was seriously one of the lines I hated hearing most, but never knew what to say in return. I suppose something along the lines of, "I like my baby" might have been appropriate.

[Jessi]

Go you! Perfect way to respond! I'll have to remember that one!

[Marriage-101]

I'm writing this down! Perfect comeback! I'm not big on receiving the assvice, but I sure do give a lot of it! :)

[Becca]

Holy crap! I don't think I'd have been nearly as polite/nonviolent had someone made that candy crack to me. Good for you! I'm going to remember that.

Once I was walking down the hall at church and the wife of our pastor saw me and began waddling and puffing her cheeks out (like a child imitating an elephant). She just had her second and BOY was it tempting to give her a taste of her own medicine. Crazy thing is? If I'd done the same thing? I'd look like the jerk.

All of the memorable assvice I received came from my FIL. Among other things, he sat me down (cornered me) and talked (lectured) for twenty minutes about how I should tell all my friends not to visit me in the hospital because I would need that time to rest. Um? My friends are my family thankyouverymuch and what business is it of yours? Were you tired after YOU had a baby? Yeah, I thought so.

I won't even tell you what my MIL said because it will scare the poo out of you.

[Sadie]

Excellent response! I'm going to remember that one when the time comes.

Have you had a lot of people wanting to touch you? I think I would hate that.

[Audrey]

That truly is the perfect comeback. Way to go!

One of my coworkers, who has 5 kids but HATED being pregnant with every fiber of her being, is full of assvice for me, despite the fact that I don't plan on having kids for about 3 more years. Most of the assvice is along the lines of "prepare for the worst experience of your entire life." Because, naturally, there's no chance that anyone could have a slightly different experience than the one she had and maybe even enjoy pregnancy. Thankfully, it's highly unlikely that I will still be working with her 3 years from now, so I shouldn't have to deal with her assvice when I actually am pregnant.

[Michelle]

No assvice stories, but I am DEFINITELY filing away your reply to assvice for the time when I shall need it next. Thanks for the public service!

[Katie]

Okay, having never been pregnant, I'm shocked that people say those things! Oh, and Butterfinger pie? Sounds delicious!

[eva]

I hear the opposite. Every frickin' day I get some variation of "only ten and a half weeks left?/are you starving that baby?/ you're so small!/Are you even wearing maternity clothes?" I get all defensive EVERY TIME because (a) I eat lots and (b) I've also somehow gained around 15 pounds and (c) no matter how I look, I FEEL pregnant, very pregnant. Your approach sounds far more effective :) I haven't gotten a lot of assvice other than not to worry about birthing because the first 30 days will be far more painful than the mere day and a half max of intense birthing pain. Don't worry about birthing pain??!! That be crazy talk. I don't think so.

[Pam Porter]

I don't have any assvice, but during my last pregnancy, my boss said "Wow! You sure have gained a lot more weight this time!" LOL. I gained 4 pounds more that time, but had baby that was 8lb 5 oz as opposed to 7lb 5 oz. I wanted to smack him!

Sounds like you are doing great!

Pam

[daddy d]

People should be nice to moms. What is is a matter with them?
Remember you are working and eating for two.

[Rachel]

Dang, I know that I have assvice, but I am too tired to think at the moment.

[Alexander Pavlovich Romanov, Autocrat of All the Russias]

I am not 100% sure what Butterfinger Pie is, but I shall go in search of one tomorrow. I am not kidding.

Bacon, perhaps unsurprisingly, I already got.

[mjd]

I love Marriage 101's comment. I have been thinking about this advice stuff for sometime. This is not exactly advice but this is one of the few stories that I remember from my pregnancies.

When I was pregnant with Luke, we were staying overnight at my parent's condo in Fort Wayne for the Christmas season. I awoke early in the morning (middle of the night.) Finding it difficult to go back to sleep, I decided to take a walk on the snowy golf course that was part of the complex. My mother was so distressed that her youngest pregnant daughter was out strolling alone in the snow at night. She commented anxiously, "What if you fell and broke your leg." My wise sister, Margaret, trying to reassure Mom said, "She could call out for help." My mother, who was probably more neurotic than me, replied, "What if she fell on her pharynx and could not call for help?" Then, we all chuckled.