This is what happens when you engage in marital relations on day 30 of your cycle without protection, assuming Aunt Flo is just around the corner but realizing two weeks later she is still nowhere to be found.
Scene: Chevy Cobalt, Walgreens parking lot, Northwest Indiana
Bree: So…. Do you want to run in, or should I?
Luke: I don't know.
Bree: I should go. I'm the one who's going to pee on the stick, I should be the one to buy it.
Luke: No, I'll do it; you’re already back there with Kara. I'll just be a few minutes.
Bree: Remember, First Response or EPT, and make sure it's a bonus pack.
Luke enters Walgreens; stands in entranceway, searching for appropriate aisle. Picture furrowed brows and much head scratching.
Sales Clerk 1: Sir, is there something I can help you find?
Luke: I'm looking for a…
(Still grappling with the possibility of having two children less than a year and a half apart, his mind blanks on the correct terminology needed to verbalize his request)
…birth detection kit?
Sales Clerk 1: Do you mean a prophylactic?
Luke: No! The opposite of that!
Enter Sales Clerk 2.
Sales Clerk 2: Sir, are you talking about birth control?
Luke: No, no! It's too late for that!
Sales Clerk 2: Ooh! You want a pregnancy test!
Luke: Nods frantically, fights urge to smack forehead a la "I could've had a V-8!"
In the end, a First Response bonus pack was indeed purchased, and by Mother's Day morning, both tested negative. But this evening, when toasting to two years of marriage, we used sparkling grape juice instead of wine.
Anytime now, Aunt Flo. Anytime.
Excerpted from Parental Discretion Advised, originally published on Parents.com. Copyright 2008 by Meredith Corporation. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.