What are you looking at?

Ode to my fourteen-month-old*

Having a newborn in the house again has caused me to look at Kara in a whole new light, bringing an acute awareness to the big girl she’s becoming and also how young she is at the same time. When I look at my daughter and watch her run around our living room, flip through books, and dance to music, it feels like her infancy happened a lifetime ago. And yet, when I hold Nathan, I’m instantly transported back to last winter, when I spent much of my time camped out on the couch, snuggling Kara close to my chest, breathing in her smell, and allowing sleep to wash over the both of us every afternoon. Each day I’m reminded that these early moments really do fly by so fast, and each day I pledge to soak up every minute of my children’s babyhood, no matter how frustrating things get at times.

Kara has been such a trooper since we brought Nathan home. Her needs at this point are really pretty simple: read to her when asked (which is pretty much all the time), feed her when she’s hungry, change her when she’s wet/dirty, and overall keep a watchful eye. With two full-time parents currently in the house, it’s been relatively easy to keep her happy, but there are plenty of times when one of us is taking a shower or running an errand and the other is charged with watching both kids. And when that happens while Nathan is awake and wanting to be fed or held or changed, Kara is left standing there, holding her copy of Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?, and I feel a wave of sadness that she’s dealing with so much change at such a young age.

But she’s hanging in there. When one arm is cradling Nathan and the other is balancing the spine of her book on my knee, she stands next to me as close as she can, a big smile smeared across her face, content to hear the familiar words of her beloved story even if she can’t sit on my lap. When the baby's passed out in his swing and it's just me and Kara, she revels in the quality time, having completely forgotten that I snapped at her for clawing at her brother's face only minutes ago. Sure, she's thrown her share of tantrums these past few weeks, but for the most part, she is patient with us as Luke and I master this new juggling act, taking what she's given and enjoying the moment for what it's worth. She'll take story time however she can get it. She'll take MY time however she can get it. And boy, am I happy to give it to her.

Before I had even one child, I would read about one of my favorite bloggers giving birth to her second, see adorable pictures of said newborn, and almost immediately forget the older one even existed. Because babies are shiny and new! And toddlers and young kids...well...they're not. And when I thought about having my own children someday, I worried that my love for a shiny! new! baby would be so all-consuming that Number One would seem run-of-the-mill by comparison. Now I realize how silly I was, because nothing in the world, not even Nathan's intoxicating baby smell, could make me view Kara as anything less than extraordinary.

 

* I originally wrote this entry for my Parents blog, but for reasons I can't explain, I wanted it to live here.

Blossoming siblinghood

In case you haven't noticed, there's no denying my children are related. Here's Kara just minutes after she was evicted from my womb:

 

And here's Nathan:

 

Kara in her bassinet at one month old:

 

And her baby brother at just a few days:

 

As Luke and I continue to adjust to being the parents of two children, so are Kara and Nathan getting used to each other. Their introduction took place on my second day in the hospital, and it didn't go anything like I thought it would. Kara is usually so receptive to babies--pointing at them and grunting excitedly whenever there's one in a five-mile radius--but on that day, she didn't give him more than a passing glance before she was running up to Grandma and Grandpa or pawing at Daddy or holding her arms up to me. I'd like to think it's because she knew Nathan was ours and therefore wanted to spread out the joy over a longer period of time, but really, who knows? Thankfully, she's taken more of an interest in him since then, though it also means Luke and I are constantly on the alert, waiting for the day she whacks him in the face with her wooden giraffe pull toy in an attempt to show her affection. At one day shy of fourteen months old, she's still too young to understand how her actions might negatively affect her brother, but the last thing we want is for Kara to associate Nathan's presence with any sort of punishment, so when she pets his face, hangs on the bassinet, or gets thisclose to denting his head with our copy of Green Eggs and Ham, we hold our breaths, repeat "Nice and soft with baby Nathan," and hope our son forgives us for any well-meaning injuries that take place on our watch.

 

Could you not just die from the adorableness?

One thing we haven't had to deal with so far is any jealousy on Kara's part, probably because she is so young. If she were even a few months older, she might get peeved coming downstairs every morning to find Nathan and I asleep on the couch, or watching me nurse him every few hours, or even just seeing him in my arms after I've sadly denied one of her various requests to be picked up. It helps that Luke and I are both home, so he's able to give her what I can't, but I've also made a special effort to be available to her as much as possible. We read stories while I nurse, cuddle while Luke changes Nathan's diaper, and chase each other around the living room when the baby naps. Two weeks out from surgery, I'm supposed to avoid lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk, but I've made a few exceptions because holy hell, do I hate missing bed time just because placing Kara in her crib does a number on my incision.

When people learn about Kara and Nathan's closeness in age, a lot of them try to relate by lumping them in the "two under two" category, but really, our situation is better described as "two close to one." Though certainly not a newborn, Kara is still very much a baby herself. She wears diapers. She sleeps in a crib. She takes her milk in a bottle (though she'll do water in a sippy cup just fine) and hasn't yet mastered the spoon. Balancing her needs while attending to Nathan's isn't too difficult with both Luke and me manning the fort, but honestly, I'm nervous about going back to work in six weeks and leaving my husband to fend for himself. It'll be hard for me to return to my daily nine-to-five, but I imagine it'll be even more stressful for him. I don't take it for granted that my husband is willing to spend his days raising our children, and I thank God every night for pairing me with such a patient, loving, unselfish man.

 

Our son couldn't ask for a better male role model.

As I make it through each day in this new, super-sized life of mine, I take special pleasure in the random quiet moments I'm lucky enough to score with each member of my family. This morning, it was resting my head on Luke's chest while both children napped. After dinner, I settled into Nathan's rocking chair to help him fall asleep, crying happy tears as I held him close, Celine Dion's lullaby CD doing its best to set the stage for the day's second ugly cry. And while reading Kara a story, she turned to me half-way through for the sole purpose of giving me a hug. Ten minutes later, she lifted her face for a kiss.

These guys, they're breaking my heart. And I love every frustrating, amazing, beautiful minute.

Baby 2.0: Week One

Hi, there! Remember me? I'm the one with the brand-new adorable baby son.

I've written several posts in my head since I came home from the hospital late Monday afternoon, but in the spirit of my New Year's resolution to get more sleep, sleep has indeed taken precedence. When Kara naps, Luke and I nap (for the most part. I'm cheating with this very draft). When Kara is down for the night, Luke and I are picking up the house, taking turns in the shower, catching up on TV, and oh, yeah, bonding with the newest addition to our family.

At this point, I'm not sure where to start, so I'll begin by saying that Nathan's first week has been nothing like my first week home with Kara. With Kara, I surprised myself with how shell-shocked I was in my role as a new mom. I was following a rigid feeding schedule, shuffling around the apartment like an eighty-year-old woman as I recovered from surgery, and operating on three to four hours of sleep because I was too afraid to close my eyes and even more afraid to put Kara down, sure that the minute I entered Dreamland, she'd wake up, and the stolen moments of rest wouldn't be worth the pain of stirring from such a short nap. Our days consisted of little else then feeding the baby, changing the baby, and trying to stay sane.

With Nathan, things are different. With Nathan, we have structure: Kara's meals, Kara's naps, and Kara's bedtime serve as daily milestones, and somehow he fits right in. With Nathan, there is no Feeding Drama; he's taken to the breast just fine, and according to our weigh-in at the pediatrician's office on Friday, he's gaining weight beautifully. However, I have no set time frame with regards to how long I will nurse, and I'm putting no pressure on myself to nurse exclusively--Nathan gets a little formula every day for no other reason then to give me a break. I'm taking it one day at a time, one feeding at a time, because that's what seems to work so far.

We're getting more sleep than we did with Kara. Nathan's pretty good about going back down after eating at night, spending a couple of hours in his bassinet with me in the living room (it's too hard for me to get in and out of bed right now, so I'm camping out on the couch) and the rest of the time perched contentedly on my chest. We usually stay that way until Luke and Kara make their way downstairs between six and six-thirty, when our day officially begins.

All of this is not to say that Nathan is a better newborn than Kara was. I hate labels like "good" and "bad" when it comes to babies, like their temperaments are precalculated. Instead, I think that the mindset of parenting a second child is better--more relaxed, more forgiving, and more inclined to follow your gut than someone else's agenda. The night before I came home, my nurse was going over standard baby care as part of hospital procedure, and when she said, "Now, the baby will sleep eighteen to twenty hours a day, so you'll have to wake him up to eat," on the outside I nodded like an obedient little patient, but on the inside I laughed manically, because unless there was a legitimate weight problem to worry about, hell no was I waking up a sleeping baby to force him to eat, no matter what any medical professional said. With Kara, I didn't give myself that kind of permission; at least, not in those first few weeks. If only you could have the second baby first.

I'm not trying to sugar coat anything for you. This week hasn't been without hard times, and there were several bouts of ugly crying (all on the second day home, damn hormones)--but overall, I've been surprised at how calm I feel and how natural it feels to be a family of four. These people are my life, and I am grateful, so grateful, for all of them.

 

 

 

 

 

Little Mister

As promised, I have returned with pictures of the little man of the hour, all brand new and perfect.

 

Mommy & Daddy with Nathan, just into the recovery room.  I know there isn't much to say for the picture quality, but the baby had his eyes open, giving a very suspicious peek to all he encountered.  And how cute is that, I ask you?

   

Nathan just about an hour old, none too happy to leave Mommy's arms for a quick listen from the stethoscope.

Thanks dad, much better.

 

Aah yes, that's exaaaactly the sleeping place I was looking for.

 

Luke & Nathan, pals.

 

Bree and I and baby Nathan.  Might I add that the last twelve times one of the two of us has birthed a child, the next one in the picture is pregnant (whether they know it or not).  And it is just time to take a break from that for a while, thankyouverymuch.

 

Gush.

And last but not least, here's a little video clip of Nathan, very soon after he was born:

Hoping for a smooth, happy recovery for Bree, and looking forward to seeing pictures of the new fabulous duo, Kara and Nathan, together.