What are you looking at?

MyTubes*

* I changed the title because "Headaches, rambles" was very boring and vague and hello, there is an actual topic for this entry, only I didn't realize that until the drive home last night, which is when I thought up this little gem. How could I not use it?

I hit 11 weeks in this pregnancy yesterday, and the most noteworthy tidbit I can offer regarding this topic is that I've been plagued with a recurring headache for more than a week now that can't be alleviated with soda or chocolate. No change in my level of fatigue, nausea, or tendency to gag over smells ranging in intensity from air freshener to number two diapers (thank you, son). With Kara I started feeling better around week 20; Nathan was a few weeks earlier than that, so let's cross our fingers that the month of January brings wondrous feelings of joy and mirth.

My second prenatal appointment for Number Three took place on Monday, where I heard the baby's heartbeat through the Doppler for the first time, pounding away at a whopping160 bpm. Was it a sign that I'm having a girl? A byproduct of my key lime cheesecake from lunch? The world may never know. In any event, things are looking good, fetus-wise.

I also spent some time talking to my ob/gyn about having my tubes tied sometime after delivery.

Seeing as this is our second surprise pregnancy, and knowing that Luke and I conceived Kara when we were open to children but not officially "trying," it shouldn't shock anyone that I am obsessing over the best way to shut down this baby train. While there has always been a hankering for a third baby, I harbor no such illusions regarding a fourth. I am deeply grateful that I have been able to conceive so easily, without the aid of charts or medication or invasive procedures that can go on for years, and that I have given birth to two beautiful, healthy children. But still. Overall, I do not enjoy pregnancy, and I am still freaking out over earning enough bacon to support five people, and my husband would like to go back to work before he turns 50. That is not too much to ask.

Speaking of Luke, he has always been willing to "take care of things," so to speak, and that is still an option. Early next year we hope to get him to the urologist for a consult and determine how much of The Snip is covered by our insurance. If we can swing it financially, we would love nothing more than to "address this issue" before I go under the knife in June. (Are you loving my double entendres today?) That actually makes the most sense, since a tubal would require yet another surgery for me. I deliver at a Catholic hospital, so a two-in-one deal is not an option, and I'm not sure how long I would need to wait after delivery to have it done, and I don't care to leave myself susceptible to another happy surprise for very long.

For a while after Nathan I seriously considered the Essure procedure, which seems to be my practice's first choice for female sterilization, but reading this thread about failures and complications was enough for me to say KEEP THOSE COILS AWAY FROM ME, YOU.

I think this is all coming about because I'm feeling pretty powerless these days. I can't help myself physically feel better, our household budget is in chaos after paying on life insurance premiums, car repairs, and (drastically scaled-down) Christmas expenses all in the same month, and our place is a mess because I can't bring myself to even fold a basket of laundry. (Did I mention that I am an absolute baby when I'm sick?) The idea of snuggling a squeaky little newborn excites me beyond belief, but preparing for that baby will be a lot of work, and the adjustment period will be a lot of work, and I know myself well enough now to say I am not in my element in the first year. Although, recent interactions with Kara lead me to think that the toddler years aren't shining the light on my finest hours, either.

Anyway, I am done with surprise pregnancies and worrying about birth control and stressing over various infant-related issues. Part of what is getting me through this first trimester is knowing that I'm doing this for the last time. The sooner I can enjoy reproductive freedom, the better. 

(I did mention that I'm grateful for this, too, right? You all know what I mean.)

First trimester progress

Now that I've broken my two-week posting hiatus, consequently relieving myself of the pressure to come back with an entry of Shakespearean-like proportions, I can give you a real update.

I am still sick. I am still scared. I am still spending the majority of my waking, non-working hours curled up in a ball on the couch in sweatpants.

But also, some progress has been made.

For starters, I have already ironed out the logistics of my maternity leave. I will take 12 weeks off just like I did with Kara and sorely wished I could have done with Nathan. The first six will be paid by my employer, and the second will be partially covered under short-term disability. I will also have almost a month's worth of vacation time at my disposal, and originally I asked about tacking on a week or two of PTO to my leave, but two members of my department's senior strategy team are also expecting, and their leave will overlap with mine, and I was told it was too much time to be out of the office. For a while I was a little frustrated about this, not to mention the U.S.'s overall attitude on maternity leave in general, but there are many women in this country who could never take advantage of even the 12 weeks protected by law, so I am just grateful that my company provides paid time off to begin with and that I can be out the full three months without completely wrecking our finances.

On another work-related note, I have already spoken to my boss about travel arrangements for next year, and she has assured me that my trips should be few and far between. Not that I ever traveled a whole lot, anyway, but the mere possibility of being asked to hop on a plane and leave behind a baby for multiple days at a time was enough to bring me to tears. I had to evaluate an industry conference in Chicago a couple of months ago and I was gone for three nights, and it wasn't terrible, but for me, it was still too long. I couldn't imagine doing that with an infant at home. Luckily, I was told that if I have to go to another conference, it can be scheduled for while I'm still pregnant. Thank goodness my boss is so understanding.

Luke and I have also worked out childcare for my hospital stay. Luke's parents, who graciously watched Kara for us when I had Nathan, will actually be site-seeing in Wales when I deliver in June, so good ole Molly has offered to step up to the plate - VOLUNTARILY, without being asked or anything. How she will handle five children ranging in age from eight to two for three days is...not something I want to spend too much time thinking about. Hopefully, she won't, either.

(Thanks again, friend!)

Lastly, I've started doing a little research on lactation consultants and have information for two different resources near my area, so I'm starting to feel a tiny bit more confident that I will have adequate support for nursing this time around. (There is an entire post brewing inside of me on this very subject, don't you worry.)

Other than that, I've been trying to focus on life after Number Three's arrival: incorporating the baby into our family routines, moving forward with plans to sell the house, and getting through the difficulty of yet another First Year with my sanity still intact. I have visions of baby-wearing and jogger-strollering and baby-sittering and various other ways to keep life moving. With Kara and even Nathan, Luke and I kind of allowed our lives to stop, because with Kara everything was so shell-shockingly new and with Nathan they were both so damn young - both in cribs, both in diapers, both demanding so much attention that all we could do was manage day by day. We also didn't have a clear picture of where we were headed or how to get there, so being at a standstill didn't affect our big-picture timeline one way or the other. This time, we will have two rambunctious toddlers who like to do things like go to school and play trains at the library and dig sand at the beach, and I don't want them to lose their summer just because we add another person into the mix. Also, we DO have goals now, and a long-term vision for our future, and we are the only ones who can make that vision happen. So we'll have to start doing that, too, even in the face of constant feedings, night wakings, and growth spurts.

So, to sum up: things kind of suck right now. But come next June, it will be all good, just mark my words.

Nine-week milestone and happy December

I turned nine weeks yesterday. To mark this joyous occasion, Kara and I had the following conversation after I came home from work:

Kara: Mommy, I missed the baby in your belly!

Frema: Aw, we missed you, too, honey! Melts, hugs firstborn lovingly against her breast

Kara: I want to put the baby in my belly. Makes grabbing motions towards occupied uterus, rubs tummy satisfactorily

Frema: It doesn't work like that, honey. Only Mommy can have a baby in her belly.

Kara: I have a baby in my belly! Runs around dining table, victorious

Frema: Big girls can't have babies in their bellies, honey, only mommies can, uh (rethinks statement) - well - you have to be older.

Kara: I'm not a big girl, I'm a little girl.

Frema: Stands corrected.