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Three is different from two

As is two and a half, and two and seven months, and two and eleven months. Life, it is like a river, what with all the ebbs and flows and and rapid changes, and while the water is often delightful, there are many times throughout each day where I feel like HOLY CRAP, THIS RIVER IS KILLING ME.

This entry has been so difficult to write (hence, why it is also more than a month late) because Kara is not a baby anymore, and my interactions with her feel more intensely personal than when my primary concerns as a mother were breast or bottle, stroller or baby carrier, and cry-it-out or rock-it-out. We have in-depth conversations now about her friends Jack and Mary and Phil and Gertrude and how they like to go on picnics and ice skate in the dining room and Mommy, they are very nice, and oh yes, their parents are nice, too. We sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at bedtime, and when I come home from work she likes to come upstairs with me while I change into my sweat pants, and once I hit the closet, she cries out, "Hooray! You get to see your mommy again!" and runs to throw her arms around my legs. Last month, while reading one of our Christmas books and talking about Mary and Joseph being Jesus' parents, Kara said, "Mommy? Do I have parents?" Also, "Can I have a Christmas Day?"

Her ability to rationalize and think through a situation never ceases to amaze me. She is so smart, so thoughtful. I love her just as much as I did when she was a baby, but I appreciate her more as I discover more about the person she is and imagine who she will become, with all her contradictions, complexities, and surprises.

However, she has also reached an age where she can be held accountable for some of her actions and can more directly impact the dynamics of our relationship - intentional or otherwise. Meanwhile, I have reached the stage as a parent where my cognitive skills and foresight have become critical to all of us having a good day. 

Before we hit this stage, Luke and I talked a lot about how we would handle issues from a discipline standpoint, and we both agreed that for our family, spanking/hitting is not a resource we care to add to our parenting toolbox. However, as a kid, I was hit all the time, for all kinds of reasons - meaning I have no personal experience with time-outs or anything resembling non-violence until I was too old for that sort of thing, and even then, there was still lots of yelling and little to none of that sit-down-at-the-kitchen-table-for-a-loving-but-firm-conversation-about-your-actions ala Full House or Family Ties.

In other words, I am totally winging this, relying on nothing but my own instincts, my ability to effectively communicate with my husband, knowledge and tips gleaned from numerous mommy blogs, and random episodes of Super Nanny.

Case in point: On the day of Kara's actual birthday, Luke and I planned to celebrate by taking her to Build-A-Bear. We had it all planned out: pick her up from school, drive the 45 minutes to the overcrowded mall where the store resided, let her pick out any animal she wanted (along with a few accessories), have a treat in the food court, and drive home for dinner and cake. Easy peasy, and heartwarming memories. Double score!

Actual turn of events: Pick her up from school. Drive the 45 minutes to Build-A-Bear. Spend TWO HOURS in the store as Kara bounced from area to area, touching all the unstuffed animal shells, claiming to want everything from the brown bunny to the blue bear to the gray owl but then promptly melting down when we tried to guide her to the stuffing machine. She wanted everything, and wanted nothing. It was an incurable bout of Indecision, with no cure in sight; if anything, they become more frequent as time goes on.

Anyway, the pivotal moment came when, after Luke and I suggested we visit another store to pick out something different, Kara threw herself down on the floor kicking and screaming and I had to carry her outside of the store. Together we sat to the side of the entrance, me holding her on my lap and repeating, "It's okay, it's okay," while she wiggled and cried and passersby looked down on us with wide eyes and that disapproving expression of, "Does that mother not know how to control her own child?" One woman actually came up to me to suggest ADDITIONAL WAYS to restrain my child. That was especially appreciated.

Eventually, though, Kara did calm down and settle on an animal to take home. The winner? Hello Effing Kitty. Surrounded by adorable furry creatures of all types and colors and she goes after the most commercial of the bunch. And it's not like she even knew who Hello Kitty was; apparently, it was love at  seventy-millionth first sight.

And because our little Nathan was such a champ during the entire ordeal, we let him get something, too. He selected the black-and-white panda bear you see in the picture below and couldn't have been sweeter about it.

 

"Honey, are you SURE you don't want to reconsider? Maybe select a doll that doesn't make your mother's toes curl with disdain?"

 

She was sure.

Afterwards, because we left the mall so much later than planned and because we had no energy left to prepare anything at home, Luke and I took the kids to a nearby Mexican restaurant for dinner.

 

Wearing a happy face once again (both of them).

 

That night a surprise visitor made a special appearance, which delighted the children to no end. He, Mrs. Claus, and several elves were seated at a table directly across the room from us, and Kara and Nathan could not keep their eyes off them. And that's actually how they preferred him - at arm's length, as evidenced by this picture.

 

Ending the day on a brighter note.

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Kara's birthday didn't go at all how we planned, and it certainly wasn't fun to work through a tantrum in front of a crowd of strangers, but as we move through the Year of Three, I hope that more often than not I will be able to draw strength from that experience and remember how much of the outcome depended on my willingness to stay in control and not give in to the frustration that was building up inside of me. I'm not proud of the scene she caused, but I'm not embarrassed by how I handled it, either, and for me, that is the most important thing in the end. When all is said and done, the setbacks experienced in any given day become less important than my living, breathing response to them. I can't control my children's actions, but I can control my own, and commit to doing better when I fail.

Happy belated birthday, sweeheart.

(As always, mad props to Luke for the birthday video.)

Chasing the clouds away

It's so easy to let money troubles define who you are by measuring your life against that which you cannot do. At least, that's how it feels to me sometimes. My monthly book club dinners are out. Luke can't join a gym to support his training for this year's Mini (!!). Kara can't take dance lessons, and Nathan can't start (pre-pre)school by his birthday like we once planned. Granted, these can'ts will resolve themselves in a few months, so they're not hindering us long term, but how do you get by in the interim? How can you turn your day-to-day into something meaningful using only what you already have? And during the coldest, darkest time of year?

Those were the questions Luke and I were asking ourselves at the beginning of the month, after evaluating our money situation for the remainder of winter and coming up with a game plan to get us through. It's easy to fall into a "Why me?" sort of attitude and feel sorry for yourself. But clearly, asking pointless questions and indulging useless emotions won't get you anywhere. So here are some of the ways in which we are accentuating the positive:

Cleaning house: Luke and I love to play the "What if?" game when it comes to remembering all the other houses we could have purchased instead of this one, but when she's wearing her Sunday best, it's easier to appreciate all the positives we gained with this place: open space, natural light, optimal number of bedrooms, and plenty of toilets to accommodate large family get-togethers. I am working hard to stop clutter from piling up in hot spots like the microwave top, the mail stand, and my dresser top. I make the bed every morning before I leave for work, and I've stopped using our CD rack as my own personal storage unit. We won't be implementing any major renovations this year, but we do plan to paint the kids' bathrooms and our kitchen before the baby comes, and a new splash of color can do wonders to improve the overall mood of a room. (Right, Molly?)

Being creative: Last week I received a gift certificate from my employer acknowledging my five-plus years of service. The certificate was for an undesignated amount of money for a site that very much reminded me of those catalogs from grade school - you know, the ones that told you what you could score for selling five to twenty candy bars (sparkly pen, bangle bracelets), fifty to seventy-five (NKOTB tribute band CD, piggy bank), etc. I could have redeemed it for a sassy new hobo bag, but Luke and I chose boring cookware instead, because our current set was scratched up something fierce and there was no room in our budget for replacing it. It wasn't a fun choice, but we saw an opportunity and jumped on it.

Taking stock: It's also been helpful to remind ourselves of all the things we do have that make this rough patch more manageable. The maternity clothes I once planned to unload to Goodwill, for one - I'll need more clothes when the weather gets warmer and my belly rivals the size of a world globe, but for now I can stretch out live off my regular work pants and the oodles of three-quarter-sleeved shirts I found at Kohl's near the end of my pregnancy with Nathan.

Thankfully, we need very little baby gear for Number Three. Nathan's room is still set up to accommodate a baby with a matching crib, changing table, and dresser set, courtesy of my 2008 Christmas bonus, and his and Kara's closets are jam-packed with items Luke and I weren't sure what to do with but didn't want to get rid of: crib mobile, swing, baby carriers, activity table, random infant toys, and so on, and our bassinet will come back to us from Samantha and Dan the next time they come to visit. And ninety-five percent of what we don't have is either being handed down to us from family and friends. We'll need a new single stroller, and we'd LOVE to get our hands on a jogging stroller, but ultimately we won't be missing anything necessary to bring the baby home.

We are also feeling better about our car situation. The plan was always to try and fit our current Chicco infant seat into the Outlander along with Kara's and Nathan's Britax convertibles, but thanks to some of the comments on my last post, we are now considering investing in smaller seats if that's what it will take to cram fit all three kids in there. Plus, there's a good chance that Kara can move into a booster seat by summer, and that will save us some room, so we're exploring that option, too. Not fretting over taking on a $300-plus car payment does wonders for a mother's piece of mind. Imagine that!

Finally, thanks to the size and layout of our house, we'll only need a smidge of rearranging to make room for Number Three. So far the plan is for the two older ones to share Kara's bedroom, which is the larger of the two rooms by about the double the square footage; they are so young right now that the gender issue doesn't come into play, and it just makes sense for the kids who share a bedtime routine to also share their sleeping quarters. We'll transition Kara into a twin-sized bed and Nathan into her toddler bed sometime this spring and leave his room pretty much as is for the baby (though we do plan to paint). All of this will require some creative thinking on our parts in regards to organization, but creative thinking is free, and paint is cheap. This is good.

And on the leisure and recreation front, Luke and I realized we still have plenty of ways to keep busy. We finally made space for his drawing table - which had been sadly collecting dust in our garage for almost as long as we've lived in this house - in the little nook in our bedroom, and we've been alternating between the library and our current book collection for new reading material. We have rediscovered the old Nintendo games saved on our Wii, and my brother- and sister-in-law passed along a TV antenna last week, so two nights ago, for the first time since August, we were able to view network television. LIVE. On our actual TV instead of a laptop. If I weren't pregnant and, you know, vehemently against smoking, it would've been the perfect moment to light a cigarette, post-coital style.

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It's easier to think positively when your stomach isn't hurting almost twenty-four hours a day. I'm in the middle of my sixteenth week, and over the few days or so, I've seen an increase in my energy level and a slightly higher tolerance for a wider menu of grocery items (though for some reason almost every tomato sauce I've had tastes terribly sweet and overall not right to me. What's up with that?), so when it comes to feeling like complete and utter crap, I think I'm finally, FINALLY, out of the woods. (I've even taken to washing dinner dishes again, hooray for Luke!) I'm still getting headaches, but they're not as frequent, and sleeping is still relatively uneventful, save for the three-year-old who has a habit of climbing into her parents' bed almost every night. However, while this pregnancy saw the quickest recovery of first(ish)-trimester symptoms, they definitely hit me the hardest this time. So...I win? Sort of?

My next doctor's appointment is February 7, at which time we'll get to see Number Three's privates and consequently start focusing on only one set of baby names. Time is flying by this go-around, it seems, so I'm not impatient with waiting, only excited. And for what it's worth, I'm not even as nervous about affording this baby, now that we (assuming) have the car thing under control. Hopefully that means my future posts will read more like this one and not my last.

Thank you, as always, for letting me be honest.

15 weeks and personal finance mumbo jumbo

Today I welcomed my fifteenth week of pregnancy by vomiting for the first time since I peed on that fateful stick back in October. For future reference, prenatal vitamin + leftover Raisin Bran milk = blaaaaaaaaah.

In other, less disgusting news, I had my monthly ob appointment yesterday, and Number Three is doing well; very active, according to the doctor, and the heartbeat sounded strong at 150 bpm. There are a few aches and pains going on that are typical of this stage - the acting of up my sciatic nerve, for one, and a tenderness in my abdomen that was diagnosed by the doctor as being diastasis recti. I also found my first pregnancy-related skin tag ever near my collarbone, a couple of nights ago. Way to go, baby, for keeping things interesting!

Here I am in all my gestational glory:

 

Why do I look whiter than the Pillsbury Doughboy? And is it just me, or is that picture frame crooked? Oh, well, at least I can still fit into my regular-sized dress slacks. So long as they are cotton and sport elastic waistbands.

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At the start of the New Year I outlined our household budget through the remaining winter months, and I know these issues are only temporary, but things feel bleak, friends. Luke and I are working hard to pay off our credit card balance before the baby comes in June, which means almost every bit of cash from now until March is needed to cover our car insurance premiums, homeowner's association fees, and necessary grocery and household items as well as pay down our Visa bill. Luke and I did not exchange Christmas presents, only token stocking stuffers, and there are no travel plans slated for anytime soon, save my niece's baptism in Chicago next month.

Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter failure for not being able to manage our finances more efficiently, and then I remind myself that some things were simply out of our control: a $164 increase in our mortgage last fall thanks to a negative balance in our escrow account was the most jarring, and the random but major car repairs totaling almost two grand in September were definitely not on our radar. Luckily, there is light at the end of the tunnel: tax refunds in February and my annual raise in April should put us on more secure footing, though we have decided there is no way in hell we have any business taking on a car payment to buy a vehicle that can accommodate three car seats anytime soon. This means we'll be hauling two cars if we need to go anywhere local as a family and renting a van if we find ourselves needing/wanting to travel north. But hey, at least we have two cars that we own outright, and we can still pay our bills and put food on the table, and we don't have to talk about Luke going back to work (as if we could afford three kids in daycare, anyway), and really, this money glitch is so temporary in the grand scheme of things. Nothing on our plate is unmanageable, just really hard to get through sometimes on a day-to-day basis.

How's that for keeping it real?

This is just one more reason I have been considering launching a part-time freelancing business sometime this year. I'm not looking to replace my full-time income, just supplement it with some meaty writing projects from time to time.

Have any of you had any luck starting your own business? How did you get started? Are there any books you would recommend?

2010 recap; luckily, these never get old, right?

(Please note that I scrambled to publish this during my lunch hour today, so if you check back and notice that some of the answers to these questions have been either changed and/or flushed out since then, you are not hallucinating. Thanks for playing.)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Where to start? As uneventful as 2010 was in a lot of ways - no change in address, job, or the number of people living in my home - I still experienced countless memorable moments. First of all, I turned 30. Watched my baby boy turn one. Locked my daughter in the car. Completed my first half-marathon. Paid for my children's first haircuts. Took said kids to the beach. Witnessed a live birth. Joined a book club. Attended my first same-sex marriage celebration. Enrolled my oldest child into "preschool." Got myself knocked up with baby number three. Watched my not-so-baby girl ditch her crib for a toddler bed, potty train, and turn three (upcoming post on that last one, someday).

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Here are the goals I listed for 2010:

• Complete the Mini-Marathon in May CHECK, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
• Attend 8/10 company racing circuit events CHECK
• Volunteer again (1 hour/week for a elementary school reading program I used to be a part of) CHECK - Though I did decide against signing up again at the start of the new school year
• Build a six-month emergency fund FAIL
• Have regular date nights with Luke FAIL
• Be a more patient mother UP FOR INTERPRETATION, and I'll kindly thank you to keep your nose out of my personal affairs
• Visit family in Chicago every 4 to 5 weeks FAIL
• Take a family vacation HALF CHECK - We did take the kids to the beach up north and did a few other summery activities, but we had to abandon plans to stay at a hotel and bunked with Luke's parents instead
• Take a full week off not related to maternity leave (no babies in 2010!) HALF CHECK - While I did take off the week of Thanksgiving and the week of New Year's, there was a fetus growing in my uterus - not exactly what I had in mind for a baby-free vacay, you know?

As for the "Will I make more for this year?" part, there are certain invevitables that will be accomplished this year, and I'll get to those in a minute, but in regards to goals, I'm taking a new approach for 2011 and choosing instead to focus on a single word that will serve as my theme for the entire year: prepare. As in, prepare my body to give birth and care for a newborn again; prepare our house to be put on the market in 2012; prepare our finances for another addition and for selling our house; etc. I feel like this is a transition year for my family, as we gear up for big and exciting life changes slated for the future.

Now for (some of) the inevitables:

• Pay off credit card balance, which continues to serve as the proverbial/financial thorn in our side
• Paint the kitchen and the kids' bedrooms and bathroom
• Revamp the backyard and frontyard landscape
• Deliver a healthy baby (I sure hope this is inevitable)
• Enroll Kara into an official preschool class and Nathan into some sort of program this fall
• Lose the baby weight gained from pregnancy number three (again, thinking positive here)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister Samantha gave birth to my lovely niece, Rosemary Lyn.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

 Fortunately, no.

5. Which countries did you visit?

 Unfortunately, none.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I want to say money, but that's really shallow, isn't it? Let's go with patience instead. You can't have too much of that.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 8: The Mini
October 11: Baby-Making Day

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Running the Mini.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Managing money. Keeping my temper in check as a mother.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I "caught" a case of patellofemoral pain syndrome resulting from overtraining and poor choice of running shoe. Other than that, just a couple colds.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Kara's tuition for preschool.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My brother Geo's, for taking the sheriff's test.My brother-in-law Jason's, for serving our country. My sister Ryan's, for making it through a horrific experience this spring. Kara's, for her potty-training achievements. Nathan's, for his overall charmingness. Luke's, for continuing to rock the stay-at-home parenting gig.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I learned about two couples who are divorcing near the end of the year, and the behavior of the husbands in both instances is still appalling to me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Visa. Diapers. Wedding expenses and car repairs. Yes, we are boring.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Running the Mini and just being a runner in general. Going to the beach. Watching my sister give birth to my niece. Paying off one of our personal loans.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

"Rocketship Run" by the Laurie Berkner Band, because we listened to it and the rest of that CD so much throughout the second half of the year, among our many travels back home. Also, "I Gotta Feeling" and "Break Your Heart" always remind me of training for the Mini.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Honestly, probably a little sadder.
b) thinner or fatter? I weigh less than I did at this time last year, but my belly has extended beyond my kneecaps thanks to Number Three, not from devouring too many potato chips), so...neither?
c) richer or poorer?  Poorer. Much, much poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Travel. Save.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry. Yell.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Opening presents with Luke, Kara, and Nathan, playing with their assortment of new toys, and wasting away on the couch.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Not with anything new.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Fringe and 30 Rock. We still have yet to obtain an antenna for watching basic stations after disconnecting satellite, so we bring my laptop home and watch them online. Makes it hard to watch anything but shows we absolutely cannot miss. Since that fateful August, I can count on one hand how many episodes I've seen of All My Children.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

How about most enjoyable? Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I didn't love it as much as Eat Pray Love, but I adore her voice and writing style.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Here comes a loser parent-type answer: Laurie Berkner. We listen to music from our "regular" mix of CDs with the kids, but I like having something that's geared for them, too. And the songs are so much fun. If you don't have Rocketship Run in your collection, I highly recommend it.

26. What did you want and get?

Pregnancy number three!

27. What did you want and not get?

More money. (Again with the shallow. I assume you are sensing a theme here, yes?)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

From the theatre? Because I saw two movies in an honest-to-goodness movie theatre this year for the first time since 2007: The Lovely Bones in January with work friends and Eat Pray Love in August with my new friend Jen. Both flicks were disappointing compared to their literary counterparts, but HOT DAMN it was fun to be at the show again.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Luke and I held a joint birthday party for Kara and Nathan since it falls nicely between their actual birthdays. I turned 30.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Traveling. Saving. (THEME, people).

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Work: Out-of-season New York and Company. Play: Yoga pants, capris, and racing tees.

32. What kept you sane?

My family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Um, Joshua Jackson? From Fringe? You know, because he's hot?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Attitudes in the U.S. regarding length of maternity leave. Three guesses as to why!

35. Who did you miss?

Same folks as last year: my sister Ryan and brother-in-law, Jason. Jason is currently serving his second tour in Afghanistan, while Ryan continues to make a life for herself in Germany. He's due home in June, at which time they will begin the process of relocating to their next assignment - this time in the States!

36. Who was the best new person you met?

My new niece Rosemary. What a cutie.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

"People first, then money, then things." This is actually a personal finance quote from Suze Orman, but it reminds of how long I was fighting my priorities and the order of their importance. Then, one day this fall I took the time to write a very important list - not a life list, and not a pros and cons list, but an important list just the same - that made it crystal clear what I most value in this life. Luke is in agreement, and we are finally ready to start going after it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Some people aren't lucky like us" - courtesy of LeAnn Rimes, from the song that played during Sarah and Leslie's first dance. Luke and I ran into a lot of obstacles this year, but we came out intact. I wish every couple we knew could say the same. Nevertheless, we are so, so grateful for our children, and our health, and each other.