Four weeks ago yesterday, at 9:48 a.m., the last child I will ever carry (that is, unless Luke is fatally injured, I meet Joshua Jackson, and he requires biological offspring in lieu of a marriage prenup) was strategically evicted from my uterus. Only it doesn't feel like four weeks ago, more like an eternity, because it's already that difficult to imagine what life was like without Liam.
Fortunately and unfortunately, the biggest hurdle to overcome thus far has been my own physical recovery. There's some persistent fluid build-up causing tenderness in my abdominal area, tenderness that until a few days ago inspired mild nausea whenever anyone came into contact with my stomach, and my tire gut contributed to bacterial and fungal infections around my incision that interfered with the normal healing process. Apparently, all that extra skin (sexy!) worked against me when it came to keeping the scar dry, turning the whole area into a red, blotchy mess. I've been to my ob/gyn's office twice since coming home from the hospital, with another follow-up slated for today.
Luckily, an elaborate ritual involving cotton balls, hydrogen peroxide, MY FRIGGING BLOW DRYER, anti-fungal powder, and hospital-grade gauze applied twice a day for the last week has resulted in me finally feeling like myself again, my personal best, even, since before the onset of my first trimester morning sickness. I'm feeling so good, in fact, that I also have two full days of meds-free living under my belt, with not so much as an over-the-counter pill in my system. Hooray for me, and also, IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
It's only because I'm doing so well I can admit that in those first few weeks, all that unresolved pain paired with the traditional complications from this type of surgery seriously impacted my ability to function. What I said about mornings being a cherished part of my routine in my last post was true, but it's also true that they were the hardest part of my day. I posted a lot of jokes on Facebook about my A.M. coffee intake, but truly, I was no good to anyone until half-way to lunch, even though Luke and I shared night duty for Liam, and even though Luke continued to get up with Kara and Nathan just as he does when I'm working so that I could go back to bed for another couple of hours while Liam dozed after his first morning bottle.
For so long I was embarrassed about this, would apologize to my husband for having to pick up my slack, and felt like less of a mother because I couldn't push through my own issues to be fully present for ALL the members of my family. It wasn't like I was completely detached from daily living, but oftentimes even simple tasks such as giving a bath or unloading the dishwasher put too much strain on my body, so that I couldn't do more than a couple of things like that in a 24-hour time span. Now that my infections are just about healed and my overall pain has been downgraded to annoying at best, all I can do is recognize that I'm not Wonder Woman, acknowledge that I needed help - a lot of help - to get back on my feet, and thank my lucky stars Luke was around to give it to me. His being the at-home parent in our relationship allowed Kara and Nathan to get the care and attention they needed and enabled me to focus on bonding with Liam and getting better. I'm not proud of how often I fell short, but I can forgive myself for it and move on.
And yet, even in those early weeks when I would cry over not being the wife and mother I wanted to be, I was still in much better shape mentally then I was after having Kara, as I learned how to integrate the role of mother into my life, and after Nathan, born not fourteen months after his sister, who was still just a baby herself. This time around, there was no veil of self-doubt, no wavering in making decisions that were best for my family. I was still able to embrace each day for the gift it was, laugh through the building of Lego towers with my toddlers, and appreciate every hour of snuggle time with my new baby.
I keep comparing this maternity leave to Kara's and Nathan's, and each time, I realize how far I've come since then. This is the first time I've been able to bring home a child and hold onto the best, most confident parts of myself. I am so grateful for that. This focus and sense of peace I've discovered since Liam was born, it's such a blessing.
Speaking of Liam, he continues to knock our socks off. He's finally "woken up," so to speak, and joined the world of the living in that he isn't sleeping twenty hours a day anymore; he has fussy periods in the morning and evening hours, but they are not unbearable or even a surprise, given his age. At last Friday's weight check, he clocked in at a whopping 10 pounds and 3 ounces. Two days later, he rolled over for the first time. He enchants us all with gassy smiles, wide eyes, and pursed lips. Poor thing still has traces of Kara's and Nathan's cold, and it appears that we are dealing with a clogged tear duct in his right eye, but again, nothing unbearable. I can't believe how lucky we are to have him, or that I owe his existence to a bottle of red from Walmart. Miracles, though, aren't picky.
As for me, I am good, so very, very good, if not a little stir-crazy from mostly hanging out indoors, partly due to the above-mentioned ailments and partly from the Midwest's record-breaking humidity. I've generated a few unexpected bills since my leave began (damn crown, breaking off two days after coming home from the hospital!), and since we had to deplete a lot of our savings before Liam's birth for a variety of reasons, I have decided to return to work two weeks early so we can avoid financial strain. This puts me back in the office the week of Labor Day instead of late September.
In the past, the very thought of this scenario would have reduced me to a weepy puddle of WAAAH, but I'm okay with this decision, too. I'm not wishing my time away with my family by any means, but there is a piece of me that's eager to embrace our new normal, and that new normal includes me going back to work. Plus, there is so much for us to do now that Liam is here; prepare to put our house on the market, for one. Pay off our credit card debt (and new array of medical bills) once and for all. Start tending to my professional network again. In other words, make our dreams come true.
I am so ready.
You look so very happy! Glad things are starting to move into "normal" mode for you and that your body is now on the road to recovery. Enjoy your time off. We all know how it seems to just fly by!
Posted by: Bren | July 28, 2011 at 07:13 AM
You really do look beautiful. I'm so sorry your recovery has been so painful. That, on top of the caring of a newborn would break ANYONE. But you are wiser now for not beating yourself up for it. Yay.
Posted by: Must Be Mom | July 28, 2011 at 07:28 AM
You look fantastic! Sorry you hit a few bumps in the road, but so glad you're falling into step with your new family dynamic. Liam is, of course, adorable, and I'm thrilled to see you so happy!
Posted by: Jen L. | July 28, 2011 at 07:37 AM
You look amazing in that last picture, lady! Motherhood times three agrees with you :)
Saying this is like the pot calling the kettle black or something, but cut yourself some slack with the house stuff. You just had a baby! I know how tough it is to let other people Do Things For You (oh how I know!) but for real. Take it easy. Enjoy these weeks before you head back to work. Snuggle that baby, play with those kids, take a nap ;)
Posted by: Jen | July 28, 2011 at 08:16 AM
I don't know who's more gorgeous in the last picture- you or that sweet boy.
I'm so sorry your recovery was so rough~ but that you pulled through it and are in such a great place now, only 4 weeks later, is just amazing.
Posted by: rkmama | July 28, 2011 at 08:25 AM
You look SO GOOD!!! So sorry your recovery was rough, though. Those early days sure are hard, but once you see the light at the end of the tunnel it sure it wonderful. :)
Posted by: Carrie | July 28, 2011 at 11:23 AM
AAAWWW Bree, you look GREAT, and he is a beautiful baby! enjoy, it goes fast!
Love AD
Posted by: Diane | July 28, 2011 at 01:46 PM
Kudos to you for the hard won perspective and wisdom. What an amazingly beautiful boy, to complete your full set of gorgeous children. Walmart miracle indeed :)
Don't mean this in any sense critically -- truly just curious -- how does Luke feel about the upgraded timeline on you returning to work? Just wondering because of my personal experiences with the awesomeness of SAHD's. :)
Posted by: Cluelessmom | July 29, 2011 at 01:20 AM
How did all that baby boy fit in side of you? Oh, right he has grown in the last four weeks. Joy for sure.
Posted by: daddy d | July 31, 2011 at 09:01 AM
You look so fantastic! I can't believe you have had THREE babies. You have definitely kept your pregnancy glow. Being a mom of three looks great on you.
Also, your little prince is so amazingly cute!
Also, also, go you for going back to work early. Big props your way. Emma is seven months old and I can't even imagine going back. I miss working but just can't leave her. You are a strong woman!
Posted by: Amanda Salyer | August 03, 2011 at 12:10 PM
Both you and Liam look wonderful. We are looking forward to seeing you soon.
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