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Speaking up for gray

This week I came across a handful of blog posts that turned my blood cold. They were uncomfortable to read and left me squirming in my chair, upset, confused, embarrassed. No longer sure what to think of experiences I made peace with years ago.

Why I Talk About Rape

On being an object, and then not being an object

It should be said.

The rape article was the hardest to get through, but it was a line in Liz's post in her account of a sexual assault that brought me to the computer. A simple sentence, stripped of layers, absent of clever innuendo or metaphors, but it was powerful nonetheless.

I remember that at 17, the idea of waking parents seemed somehow worse than anything.

Let me be clear. I have never been raped. But as a young woman, GOD did that general sentiment ring true for me.

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When I was 17, I landed a job at a laid-back mom-and-pop video store in my neighborhood, a job I chased after for an entire year because I loved the idea of getting paid to watch movies, do my homework, and hang out with friends twelve hours a week. The owner put me off until I was a senior in high school because the store had a...shall we say...robust adult section, and I was underage. But I was an ambitious 17-year-old, and I had excellent references, so it was only a matter of time before I was collecting late fees from local enthusiasts for titles like Hein*feld and Wednesday is Hump Day. 

On one of my last nights there before leaving for college, I was closing with "Frank," a middle-aged guy with two kids and a day job as a paralegal. He was normally a pleasure to be around, very helpful and kind - he always gave me a ride when we closed, saving me a ten-minute walk home. On that night, we were talking and laughing as usual, but on this night Frank had a few beers on our shift. I don't know that this would have been discouraged by the owner, exactly, since he was known to have a can of something in plain sight of customers while he balanced the books, but it was a first for Frank, and you could tell he was buzzing. As the night went on, he became looser with his tongue, and he kept saying how nice and pretty I was; next thing I knew, he was approaching me from the back and wrapping his arms around me in a close hug.

I was taken off guard; what the hell did I know about inappropriate? It's not like he was grabbing at the waistband of my pants or even trying to kiss me. And it was over as quickly as it began, so I don't remember how I acted in the moment aside from making some lame joke while sliding out of his arms. He was such a nice guy, after all, and not himself from the beer, and he still had to drive me home. Because of course I let him drive me home.

I reflect on this now, and I'm angry. I'm angry that a grown man thought it was okay to throw a few back on the clock in the presence of a teenager who assumed she could get through a four-hour shift without having someone's hands on her hips. But I'm also so sad for the girl who felt that she had to act like it didn't happen, who felt obligated to get in the car with him, EVEN THOUGH HE'D BEEN DRINKING, because she didn't want to be rude, and who made light of the whole thing when he called to apologize the next day. (See? Such a nice guy.)

Sometimes, Breain, it's okay to be impolite.

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When I was 20, I had sex when I didn't want to. He was older, and I was intoxicated with the attention. In previous conversations, I'd told him I wanted to wait, but in the moment, I never said no. When it was over, I didn't know how to react except roll over and cry. All he could do was apologize for misinterpreting my body language. I could see that he meant it. I knew he felt terrible.

If I would have pushed him off me, said WAIT, STOP, I'M NOT READY YET, I know he would've done it. But we'd been fooling around night after night for almost two weeks, and I sure did like him a lot, and I didn't know how to switch gears. How do you talk through such an intense situation when you're physically trying to recover from it - literally catching your breath, pulling an arm through a shirt sleeve, waiting for your half-asleep eyes to adjust to the light? And that's the problem, I guess. I was more concerned with the awkwardness of the after, with the proverbial waking of the parents, than the hurt I would feel from the during.

He and I went on to date for almost a year, and nothing about our relationship was coersive or forced or any of the adjectives typically used to describe a violent situation. He is even someone I call a friend today. Looking at that one night, though, from the perspective of a grown woman with a daughter of her own, I wish I hadn't cared about the after. I wish I'd been strong enough to say no. 

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The posts I linked to at the start of this entry describe ecounters twenty times more heartbreaking and terrifying than mine. But I think that's what drew me to share. It's so easy to write off those experiences we believe to be less than someone else's. But not every incident is that black and white, and there is equal value in talking about the gray. I don't want the women in my life thinking they ever have to tolerate the less than. And I hope with all my heart Kara never gives a thought to waking me up.

Happy is as happy does

After posting two entries' worth of pep talks, I wanted to share some of the ways I'm trying to bring more joy and perspective to my day-to-day.

This is especially important right now because Luke and I are too busy paying down debt to account for anything grandiose - we've already scrapped our plan to upgrade the family car, for example. Anything we take on over the next year has to be free or non-commital (i.e., pay-per-use or of the "cancel at any time" variety). So, really, free. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Journaling

l adopted this habit over the summer, inspired by Gretchen Rubin's stab at a gratitude journal. Her original intent was to write daily, but after finding it to be more of a chore than a stress reliever, she switched to writing one sentence a day about those in-the-weeds moments that tug at your heart but are likely to fade over time. Learning from her experience, I started my own journal as a combination of these ideas  - I focus on what I'm thankful for, but I don't write every day, and I don't limit myself to any kind of subject matter. Sometimes I've got pages of bullet points, and sometimes just a few lines. Sometimes they're big picture, like having enough money to pay our bills, and or they're as simple as the name of Kara's imaginary dog Bingo Benjamin (Bingo from Ladybug Girl, Benjamin from Liam's middle name; isn't that something you'd want to remember?). I don't want to lose these moments any more than Rubin does, and I can think of no better way to frame them than through a lense of gratitude. Plus, the fewer parameters I set for myself, the better my chances of keeping this up.

I do, however, have one restiction: I'm not allowed to pat myself on the back for house cleaning. It's important to me to keep up on things as best I can, especially now that Liam is frog-hopping everywhere and crams whatever he can into his pie hole, but I don't want to delude myself into thinking the ninety minutes I spend scrubbing down bathrooms is equal to an afternoon playing Memory with the kids. That's not what I want to reflect on when I go through these books five years or even one month from now. Not every "good" thing needs to be documented.

Quotationing, Information Collecting

Rubin had another reason for starting a notebook that I found really appealing. She talked about her love for the physical act of note taking and how journaling provided an outlet for this. She also talked about writing for its own sake and forgetting about results. As in, it's okay to collect information and not know what to do with it. It's okay to jot down ideas just because it's fun.

I, too, love note taking, and anyone who's known me longer than five minutes knows I have a pen in my hand almost all the time, just waiting to desecrate a blank piece of paper with my scribbles. (Remember my yada yada yada banner?) So I started a second notebook to serve as a random repository of all things Frema. I've written down books I want to read, movies I want to see, plot points for a TLF part three (when I thought about tackling National Novel Writing Month in November), and quotations. Pages and pages of them, mainly because I get Rubin's "Moment of Happiness" daily quotation delivered to my e-mail and ninety-five percent of them are ones I don't want to forget. Here's a gem from last week:

Also, no, I'm not being compensated for my repeated references to The Happiness Project, why do you ask? I've only cited it eighty million times in this entry.

Reading

One of my goals this year is to read more. Pretty lofty, right? And yet, there it is. Books have always been a huge part of my life, but with all the new demands on my time these last few years, I've been lazy in making them a priority. Part of the problem is that I think I need more time to keep up with reading than I actually do - i.e., I don't have to set aside an hour before bed to wind down with the Dalai Lama. I can grab twenty minutes at lunch or five on the john. (TMI?) All of those minutes will eventually lead to one finished book.

I'm not aiming to hit a specific number of books because that seems overwhelming, but I know that I need some measure of accountability to help me stay on task. Thus, my bookroll was born. Here's to tearing that bad boy UP come December.

I'm also trying to limit the amount of guilty-pleasure reading I do - less Soaps in Depth, fewer sensationalist blog posts that were clearly written to drive traffic or stir controversy. Half these sites aren't any different from the grocery store mags that recycle headlines every 18 months. This is much harder to do, because junk reading requires such little effort, but I'm trying to remind myself these things don't bring me happiness in the long run. I'm ready for something new.

Blogging

In case you haven't noticed, I've been trying to return to a regular posting schedule - as in, posting at all, period. This is mainly because I've always enjoyed working through my thoughts and feelings online, and I've missed being an active member of this community. I won't lie, though; I'm also still trying to figure out if this space can pave the way for other freelancing opportunities. Whether it can or not remains to be seen, but even if it doesn't, I'm having a great time, and that's all that matters in the end.

Churching

After almost a year-long hiatus, Luke and I are back in the habit of attending church, and we are both so happy about it. When Kara was a baby, we were going to an Episcopal church we liked a whole lot, but then we bought our house and moved to a new part of town where the Anglican congregation was wonderfully kind and generous but essentially in preacher limbo, having gone without a full-time pastor for almost two years, and it showed. When a pastor did finally sign on, despite her being a lovely person, Luke and I weren't as happy with the sermons or the way Sunday worship was organized, so we decided to explore other options. Since Kara and Nathan were already attending preschool programs at the local Methodist church, which is known for being super active in our community, we went to a service late last fall and have kept going ever since.

This is the first time in my adult life I'm continually excited and inspired by going to church. As someone who grew up in a conservative Catholic family with extended relatives who weren't exactly tolerarant of other faiths, even Christian ones, it's been an eye-opening process to evolve from Guilt-Ridden Catholic to Nervous Catholic Light to Full-Blown Protestant. The nice thing is that all three traditions? PRAY TO THE SAME JESUS. It's true! Plus, I can let the most fulfilling parts of each experience inform my overall relationship with God and faith. I never could have predicted the spiritual journey in store for me back when I first started debating my religion, but I couldn't be more thankful for where it's led me and my family.

Less Yelling

I constantly tell people it's a good thing tLuke is the at-home parent in our marriage because my level of patience fluctuates wildly when it comes to the kids. I'm making an active effort to find other ways to handle these situations, because when I do, the results are worth their weight in gold. I just need to do it more.

Sleeping, Exercising

Actually, these are the only ones I'm NOT doing yet, but I want to be. I'm sold on the why when it comes to both; it's the how that holds me back. How can I go to bed when there are pages to read / journals to update / blog posts to write? On the flip side, how can I get up to Shred when I was up until two o'clock reading, journaling, and blogging? You see where this is going. In the end, I need to accept that I can't do eight things in a day, pick the two or three that need the most attention in that moment, and hop to it.

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I am trying so hard to focus on improving the "little" parts of my day, because really, isn't that the bulk of our lives? It's not often we're keeled over by outlandish moments of grandeur; I need to enjoy each day for what it is and explore happiness in my current set of conditions, instead of hitting the pause button until all obstacles have been overcome. I've made significant progress in this area in the last year and a half, but I can always do better.

How are you doing on your 2012 goals and resolutions? What are you doing to keep happiness at the forefront of your life? I would love to hear from you.

Thirty-two

Yesterday was my birthday. I know this because Kara charged into the bathroom while I was getting dressed and cried out, "Mom, it's your birthday! We got you presents! Come and check it out!" My Facebook wall exploded with posts of happy thoughts, well wishes, and proclamations of "The Year of Bree," and flowers and bagels welcomed me when I came into work. I am blessed to be another year older, surrounded by all this love. I am blessed to be thirty-two.

In a lot of ways, I feel thirty-two. Luke and I will have been together eleven years this year, married six in May, and we have far surpassed the honeymoon stage of our relationship, now challenged with keeping things fresh amidst regurgitated formula, clogged toilets, and stretch marks. I have kids who wear UNDERPANTS and make grand statements about going to KINDERGARTEN next year (hear that, Kara? NEXT YEAR) and who remind me not to talk with food in my mouth. I've spent late nights and long hours combing through finances at the dining room table to make room for insurance premiums, association fees, and preschool - and cried when I couldn't do it. On those nights I think about my own parents with tremendous respect and empathy for the decisions they had to make to raise five children. I never feel more adult than when I'm sitting at that table.

I've walked away from relationships, and I've been dumped. I've feared for my job and my health. I've lost faith in childhood heroes. I've taken the wrong side. I've eaten plenty of crow. 

And yet, at the same time, I'm still a bright-eyed, virgin fifteen, waiting earnestly to come into my own, wondering if I'll ever nail the part of a mature, sophisticated woman. Last month Luke and I took the kids to a Christmas program in town, and we bumped into the mom of one of Kara's friends from preschool. Her perfectly applied make-up and posh handbag put my clearance fleece from Target and ratty Sauconys to shame. How can we possibly have children the same age when clearly I'm late for P.E.?

Mistakes and petty hang-ups aside, my goal for thirty-two is to be more intentional in my thoughts and actions every day, because it's hitting me like a ton of bricks that this one life - this one day, really - is all I have. If I want memories I'm proud of, if I want change, if I want to make a tangible, meaningful impact on this world - it is up to me.

Thirty-two, bring it on.

In the gap between the two trapezes: 2011 recap

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Moved Kara and Nathan into the same room. Watched a royal wedding. Officially closed the door to more biological children. Delivered my third baby. Discontinued our landline service indefinitely. Took the kids to their first movie (Winnie-the-Pooh). Enrolled Kara into preschool and Nathan into Play 'n Share. Published my first sponsored blog entry. Rode in an ambulance, which leads into: Said good-bye to my gallbladder. 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Inspired by Christina's recap for 2010, this year I replaced my usual list of resolutions with a single key word on which to focus my energy. My word for 2011 was prepare, and I think it worked well. Prepare gave me strength when I felt suffocated by debt, motivation to take care of myself after all my c-section troubles, and offered hope when even the idea of selling this house became unbearable. Prepare can mean big changes or baby steps, tangible results or quiet reflection. It's hard to fail at something when the guidelines for meeting it are so flexible.

That said, I didn't abandon my bullets entirely. Here are the "inevitables" I listed for 2011:

• Pay off credit card balance, which continues to serve as the proverbial/financial thorn in our side - HA HA HA. We had more than cut it in half by the time I returned to work, and I remember saying to Luke with pride, "We made it my whole maternity leave without using the Visa once!" So of course we were slapped with a surprise two grand in car repairs for the Cobalt in October. Because the universe is one crabby bitch.
• Paint the kitchen and the kids' bedrooms and bathroom - Aside from minor touch-ups to each of the kids' rooms, the only paint we opened this year was manufactured by Crayola. So, that would be no. 
• Revamp the backyard and frontyard landscape - Luke pulled some bushes out from alongside the house. I think. And he did a lot of mowing. Half-yes.
• Deliver a healthy baby - I may be a mess physically, but Liam is absolutely perfect. Resounding yes here.
• Enroll Kara into an official preschool class and Nathan into some sort of program this fall - Another check mark, thank goodness.
• Lose the baby weight gained from pregnancy number three - I'm actually underweight at the moment, thanks to my gallbladder drama. Um, thanks, gallbladder?

For my 2012 word, I think I'm going with leap. Welcoming a new baby almost every year for the past three years has led to coasting in certain areas of my life. It is time to shake things up a little.

In addition, here are some milestones I want to hit this year. Most of them are purposefully vague - no quantifiable measurables, more like reminders on how to best spend my time. I will flesh these out over the coming weeks:

• Eliminate our Visa bill once and for all
• Pay off medical bills related to Luke's physical therapy and Liam's delivery
• Put our house on the market
• Train for and complete the Mini
• Make time for hobbies
• Take trips
• Save
• Get involved - Luke, me, and the kids
• Read
• Be there

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Definitely. We're so close, in fact, it's almost like the baby came out of my own body.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

 We weren't close, but I lost my beloved auntie Maureen in late winter.

5. Which countries did you visit?

Uh. None. But I take solace in knowing that if this question were Which COUNTIES did you visit?, I could totally name at least three.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

MONEY, because I am sick of all this debt. Physical strength, because I am tired of feeling worn down. A paid-off mortgage because that will mean we'll have sold our house.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 29: Liam's birth

September 23: The final airing of All My Children on network television. I took the afternoon off to watch it at my boss's house. We sat in front of the TV and feasted on Portillo's. It was awesome.

December 1: Gallbladder removal

December 8: ERCP 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My beautiful baby boy.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping my jealousy in check. There's a reason this is covered in the Ten Commandments; it's one of the ugliest emotions there is. When it feels like you're barely treading water, it's hard to watch others enjoy abundance, even when you know they aren't without troubles, either.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Besides my c-section and gallbladder surgeries, I injured my right knee (same as when I was training for the Mini-Marathon last year) a month into my post-partum couch-to-5K progam. I started physical therapy in October and it's still not completely healed. Again, more on that in another post.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Luke's sterilization. Kara's and Nathan's Christmas gifts - wooden dollhouse and train table set, respectively. We aren't often able to splurge on presents this extravagent, but we made it a priority and I'm so glad we did. They're at the perfect age for these things and should get plenty of mileage out of them. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My sister Ryan and brother-in-law Jason, who came back to the U.S. after spending three years with the Army in Germany. They're stationed in North Carolina now, and it's wonderful to be in the same time zone again, even if they're still hundreds of miles away. Just the fact that Jason returned from Afghanistan at all, let alone without injury, is cause for thanksgiving.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I'd rather not say, but don't worry. Not yours.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Visa. Diapers. Medical bills. Gas. (And now you're jealous of ME!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Having Liam. Welcoming a new coworker to our department. Ryan and Jason's move to NC.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

"Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall" by Coldplay because the beat is so trimphant. I needed that kind of kick this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder? Happier.
b) Thinner or fatter? I still weigh less than I did at this time last year, but my belly is still puffier than I'd like, partly because of my diastasis, so let's call it a wash.
c) Richer or poorer? Financially poorer. In love, a million times richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleep. Physical therapy exercises. Keep in contact with family and friends. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Same as last year: Worry. Yell.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Opening presents with Luke and the kids, playing with their new toys, and cleaning every room of the house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Oh, yes. Luckily, Luke is okay with this.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Fringe, hands-down, though New Girl is a close second. Luke and I are ape about this show and Zooey Deschanel. We're also watching Once Upon a Time, but I'm not as enchanted by it (no pun intended) as I was in the beginning. Excited about the return of 30 Rock but was disappointed by the last season, so we're keeping expectations low.

On the kid front, Yo Gabba Gabba. I can't believe I once hated this show. The guest stars alone are comedy gold.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

I only finished two grown-up books this year, but they were both great, so we'll call it a tie: The Happiness Project and Bossypants. Highly recommend both. 

In the area of children's literature, we as a family have embraced the Knuffle Bunny and How Do Dinosaurs...? series, Ladybug Girl, and Maisy the Mouse, among countless other characters we've grown to love as a result of our local library. Arnold Lobel's Frog and Toad books have been a staple in our house for years, but this year we discovered Owl at Home, Mouse Tales, and Mouse Soup. (Nathan: "I don't like the weasel.") Earlier this month I pulled out my big fat Beatrix Potter collection of stories, and while I think the writing is a little over their heads, Kara and Nathan love it. It's so wonderful to relive my childhood favorites with them.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Let's change this to rediscovery so I can say Tori Amos. She went on the road this year to promote Night of Hunters, and every time she travels I get caught up in her old stuff all over again.

If I have to name new music, let's go with Mumford and Sons and Adele.

26. What did you want and get?

A healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get?

A zero balance on our credit card.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I only saw one movie at the show - Winnie-the-Pooh, which was adorable. If we're talking rentals, Inception was mind-blowing.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We did nothing because I was still having crazy bouts of morning sickness. I turned 31.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

An easier delivery. Less debt. Zero car repairs. Intact gallbladder.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

January through June: outdated maternity clothes. July through December: wash-and-wear from The Limited by day, yoga pants by night.

32. What kept you sane?

My husband. Comfort music and coffee on the drive to work.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Tiny Fey and her take on "making it" as a woman and in show business. Those were my favorite sections of Bossypants.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Pass, mainly because I don't know.

35. Who did you miss?

Everyone. I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone like I was when I was single, and usually I'm too tired after the kids are in bed to make a call, but since most of my support group is up north and Luke and I have needed to stay close to home this year, that's the best way to stay in touch. I did a terrible job of maintaining relationships with friends and family (outside of my own little unit) in 2011. That said, between commuting and special projects, I worked a lot more, and missed that time with Luke and the kids at home.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I'll give you three guesses.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Don't wait for the perfect time to follow your dreams.The path you take will always be riddled with potholes. Screw perfect. NOW is the time.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Courtesy of Coldplay:

I turn the music up, I got my records on
I shut the world outside until the lights come on
Maybe the streets alight, maybe the trees are gone
But I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song

And all the kids they dance, all the kids all night
Until Monday morning feels another life
I turn the music up, I'm on a roll this time
And heaven is in sight

And it is. It's scary, but it's right in front of me.

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In case you're interested, quizzes and/or musings from previous years:

2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2006 | 2005 | 2004

* Because of all the new-mom drama I was going through after bringing Kara home, there is no recap for 2007. I know, I'm sad about it, too.