What're you lookin' at? | Ramblings from a self-proclaimed yada yada yada...ist

Your mom strips my membranes!

Today is a big day for the Frema-Useless Clutter household. This afternoon, we're going to hear the baby's heartbeat! Seeing as I can barely keep anything down and that I've already lost about five pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, it'll be comforting to know my poor dietary habits haven't affected lil' Freke's prenatal development.

(What do you guys think of "Freke" as a nickname for the baby? I'm not into the traditional "peanut" or "sweet pea" or any of the other various food-inspired pet names most people use. Silly Hily came up with "Freke" as a creative way to use combine Luke's and my names until we find out the baby's gender. If your first impression is, "Not so much," how did you/would you refer to any children in your womb?)

Anyway, since I promised myself I wouldn't wait until Wednesday to post, here is a sampling of the assvice stories I've received so far. Remember, they don't have to relate to pregnancy or parenthood, so keep 'em coming!

Rachel was warned about the "dangers" of spicy food:

When I was pregnant with Kaylie, alot of the women I worked with at the time always had something to say about the food I was eating.  If I was eating something spicy, they would tell me I was going to "burn that baby up".  Yeah, because the spices from the food that is going into MY stomach are going to somehow leave my stomach and travel to my uterus and set my unborn child on fire!

Meanwhile, Liza's barrista gave her a helpful hint about caffeine intake:

My favorite pregnant assvice story is really about unbelievably poor customer asservice.

There is a Big Chain Coffee Place in the building where I work. And while I cut back on caffeine while I was pregnant, I never did give it up. More power to people who do, but I was not one of them.

For most of the pregnancy I had a cup of tea or coffee at home and about every other day, another at work. One day in month 8, or maybe even month 9, I went down to get my usual grande skim latte. After I placed my order, the (male) manager looked at me and pointedly said, "Decaf, right?"

At first, I was actually confused, and wondered if he had me confused with another regular customer. Then it hit me that he was actually trying to not sell me caffeinated coffee because I was pregnant.

And poor Britt was presented with an Indecent Proposal for the new millenium:

Since I carried my baby a week past my due date, I had to listen to everyone's assvice on how to go into labor. I was advised to do everything from jumping on a trampoline to standing on my head. Proper research indicates that such things only work when you're already in early labor which I was nowhere near. In fact, to this day I still believe that my body is incapable of going into labor on it's own. I'd be sitting here 13 months pregnant if I hadn't been induced.

The most shocking and unusual of the assvice I received was from a woman at church who told me that I should have my husband strip my membranes. This assvice came only two days after my doctor told me that he wouldn't strip my membranes because I wasn't dilated far enough yet. The woman told me that her husband did hers while receiving instructions from a midwife over the phone, and she went into labor within 24 hours. She told me that it's very easy to do and that she would send her husband to my house to help, if I wanted.

So a woman offered for her not-doctor-husband to come to my house and fiddle around with my girl parts. I politely declined.

Ya think?!

An ideal worth fighting for, even if I sound like Mrs. McCranky Pants

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that pregnancy is a huge blog attraction. From what I can tell, the majority of blog readers are women, and one of the few experiences women can claim as their own is the ability to give birth. So, when another card-carrying member of the female population loses her gestational virginity, most ladies, they're interested. They're interested because no matter how pretty that woman is, no matter how career-oriented or sassy, there's a good chance she'll spend some quality time on her knees, holding her hair back, embracing the Porcelain Throne as if it were an abstract representation of Justin Timberlake. Pregnancy allows women to move beyond the barriers of social class, politics, and religion and celebrate those qualities that bring us together in the most basic sense. I never owned a closet full of designer suits like blogger diva Amalah, but I can totally relate to the frustration she felt getting dressed every morning in those early days of embryodom, wondering if anybody will notice that she's worn the same pair of pants three days in a row or if she can get away with wearing a fine wool turtleneck at the end of April because she's afraid to buy new clothes she may grow out of in eight seconds and she's already donned the other two acceptable work tees currently at her disposal.

(OK, that last one wasn't Amalah, but at least there was a slight breeze running through the lab today, so nobody asked me if I was out of my mind. Also, I actually have quite a few collar-shirt-and-camisole emsembles I could wear, but back in the early days of Weight Loss Wednesday I put those items "on notice" until I got down to 130 pounds because otherwise my boobs create unflattering bulges in between each button. In case you were wondering.)

What's my point? Oh, yeah. Pregnancy and its ability to create meaningful bonding moments between women. And up your blog stats. And it has. Upped my blog stats, I mean. Not to the extent that I'm quitting my day job and signing up for Google ads or anything, but enough for me to kick myself for not updating more often. However, since I assume the majority of my new visitors are or have been pregnant, I also assume they understand why I'm not running to the computer every night to document my latest vomiting frenzy.

I take that back. There is no frenzy. I'm actually not puking all that much now, though there was an unfortunate incident after devouring five chicken nuggets and a junior deluxe cheeseburger from Wendy's on Friday night, and an equally unappetizing experience this morning after trying to take the last ammoxicillin pill for my urinary tract infection. With Kool-Aid. Because that's one of the only things I can drink these days. Apparently I'm too busy clutching my stomach and feeling sorry for myself to post delightful excerpts about impending motherhood. I'm too caught up in a constant state of nausea and fatigue to feign Pregnant Joy for the World Wide Web.

So when I read this entry today on Mom's Daily Dose, it resonated with me. It's appalling to think some women raise an eyebrow at those who aren't one-hundred-percent over the moon about the pitfalls of pregnancy. I'll deal with the nausea because nausea is not the end result of this journey. In seven months there will be a baby; that's what I want, and I'm grateful to have this chance. I thank God for it. But I will not turn into Little Miss Sunshine simply because folks like to see a jolly pregnant woman. Maybe when I'm done being sick I'll enjoy pregnancy; maybe I won't. Doesn't matter. I don't need reassuring sound bites like "But it's all worth it in the end" or "Don't worry, after the first trimester you'll just love being pregnant!" Why? Why is it not OK to say that being pregnant can suck major ass?

Because right now? It does. It sucks that I just spent an entire weekend lying on the couch in my pajamas, going thirty-six hours between showers, because I had no energy to even take a walk around my apartment complex, while my husband, who just had four wisdom teeth removed, was still itching for some fresh air. It sucks that family and friends call hoping to hear happy news about the baby and I'm bitching about decreased fluid intake. This doesn't mean I'm not aware of how good I have it. It doesn't mean I need advice on how to feel better. It's just a phase. I understand it, and I will get through it. Eventually, it's going to be OK.

Since announcing my pregnancy a few weeks ago, I've received a small dose of assvice so far, both online and off, and I've been warned that it's only going to get worse, because lots of mothers have their own little basket of "helpful hints" to pull from. You have to do this. You better do that. Don't do this or you'll scar your offspring for life. Plus, there seems to be no appropriate way to defend yourself, because God forbid you take issue with someone who's "just trying to be helpful."

I don't believe in that. I've seen a number of women keep quiet about their hurt feelings because they're afraid to step on someone's toes, nevermind that that same someone had no qualms sticking a nose where it didn't belong.

In an effort to help us to stand up for ourselves, I'm asking you to share your assvice stories with me. (Note that I'm using my pre-marriage msfrema address for this so it's easier to sort through submissions.) They don't have to be about pregnancy or even motherhood, just a time where you received advice or a directive that wasn't welcome. I won't post your name if you don't want me to. I'll share these little gems on and off throughout my pregnancy, the main goal being for us to have a good laugh over the misguided intentions of others all while learning a thing or two about the value of holding our tongues. Yes, our, because I'm sure when the gestating thing is all said and done, I'll be just as tempted as everyone else to tell my sisters how to take their prenatal vitamins, but I'll need to remember that a baby or two does not an expert mother make.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

P.S. I've lost 1.2 pounds since last week. I may fit into those collar shirts before the month is out.

Edited to Add: OK, there is to be no more apologizing for any advice you think you may or may not have given. This entry was not written to make anybody feel bad or single any one person out, and chances are I wasn't even talking about you. Regarding the whole "it's all worth it" thing, I was talking more about the busy-bodies in the Mom's Daily Dose entry who shame pregnant women for not feeling all hearts and rainbows 24/7, NOT the wonderful well wishes you guys have been giving me here. This post is more like a preventative measure against future busy-bodies. Say NO to assvice! Together, we can make a difference!