What are you looking at?

Whose horse is this and why am I beating it to death?

Listen.

It's been almost two weeks since I attended BlogHer '09 in Chicago, and the longer I wait to reflect on my time there, the less interested we all become. To be honest, I'm half-way there already, but it's important to me that I document this for my archives. Plus, I really think I can write about it in a way that highlights my unique experience instead of rehashing everyone else's talk tracks. So here I go.

To start: this has been a weird blogging year for me. On one hand, I'm the diligent worker bee, consistently posting updates to Parents.com three times a week (except for those first months I had Kara and Nathan. Slacker!). I rack my brain for story ideas. I follow comment threads. Occasionally I add to the conversation. And while I've never been the most sought-after blogger over there, my traffic is consistent and respectable. And that's the goal, right? A frequently touched blog with vibrant signs of life? All of that should have left me in pretty good spirits about going to BlogHer--meeting readers, sharing my blog with others, even just feeling like an active participant in the blogosphere as a whole.

It should have. But it didn't. Not when it's such a tightly controlled space representing such a segmented part of my life. And I when I say that, I don't mean that the editors influence our content. We've always been given free reign over the topics we choose to write about. No, it had more to do with a sense of longing on my part to reconnect with THIS blog, where I first fell in love with blogging. This is where I can paint a picture of my life using broader brush stroke, where I can curse freely and post silly little writings, where my history includes a life before children, before marriage, before my graduate degree and move to Indianapolis. It's the URL I type in whenever I comment on somebody's site (admittedly a rarity, these days) even if the most current entry is three weeks old because this blog will live longer than any freelance gig, and it's the one that best speaks to who I am. I have thousands of readers on Parents and only a few hundred here (Red Rover, Red Rover, let Parents.com readers come over), but on the World Wide Web, this is home. And I miss it. So, so much.

(Thus ends mushy love letter to a non-living entity. Get a room, Frema!)

I was so excited to attend the conference, but once I got there, I was surprised to observe how disconnected I felt from everything. For BlogHer 2007, I had a close-knit group of online gal pals to have dinner with and attend sessions with and overall just have a good time with. I even had a real-life blogging buddy as a roommate! And in the weeks leading up to it, we were in constant contact with each other through e-mail and comments, so by the time we finally met each other, we didn't miss a beat. We talked about our non-bloggy lives and rubbed bellies (well, mine got rubbed, anyway) and took pictures and laughed and hugged and enjoyed each other's company. BlogHer WIN.

This time around, my buddy didn't come, and I chose to bring my family instead of looking for somebody else. I didn't take part in any meet-ups or even make a concerted effort to find out who was going. My hectic schedule has resulted in me falling out of touch with most of my old blogging circle, so while I did chat with these ladies for a couple of minutes at the start of the conference, unfortunately, that was the extent of it. (It was so good to see both of you, though!) And I found that inserting myself into situations with new people (which I did during lunch and between a few of the sessions) wasn't actually the best way to connect with them. I much prefer doing that in the context of being around people I know and who know me.

Pair my loneliness with keeping tabs on work, learning quite suddenly about my Parents contract being allowed to run out, mourning the relationship I used to have with my personal blog, missing Luke and the kids, and feeling conflicted about the increased marketing presence (yes, I'm grateful lunch was free, no, I don't want my picture taken with a life-sized jar of spaghetti sauce), and it's no wonder I looked like a deer in headlights the entire time I was there. My sincerest apologies to those of you gracious enough to approach me and introduce yourselves, as I know I wasn't the most engaging or captive audience.

To top it all off, I only took two pictures while I was in Chicago. This one of Luke on the Dan Ryan driving to the hotel:

 

Taken with my smart phone for work. Fancy!

And this one of the "Room of Your Own" session featuring the women of MamaPop:

No, I'm not a professional photographer, why do you ask?

That all said, I did have a good time. I walked (most of) the BlogHer 5K hosted by PHAT Mommy, Nathan happily in tow via baby carrier, and after the stress of the last few days, it felt so good to just hang out with fellow shredheads and cuddle Nathan close as we traipsed along the lakeshore. I also liked most of the sessions, though a gem to keep in mind for next time is to attend sessions based on the speakers even if the topics themselves don't grab my attention as opposed to going on topic alone, because the former were the ones I found the most entertaining. Another nugget would be to attend on my own dime, because while I did glean some tangible to-dos for my company's social media strategy, I often felt restricted in how I spent my time. The MamaPop session was one of the few guilty pleasures I gave in to.

As I wrap up my time with Parents, I'm allowing myself to feel the loss of a job that, while tedious, also provided a legitimate reason to write about the minutiae of my life as a new mother, minutiae that otherwise might have gotten lost in the shuffle. I have a four-part birth story for Kara's baby book and monthly updates for Nathan's (your story's coming, son, I promise). I have a shiny new bullet point for my resume and a much better handle on how to negotiate a freelance contract, the details of which I will be more than willing to share with you when it's appropriate. Finally, I have a chance to return to my blogging roots and relax a little, to post because I want to and not because I'm being paid for it. Though I am still interested in being paid for it, so long as it's managed differently and the content doesn't compete with what already appears here. Amalah and her various columns for Alpha Mom spring to mind as an ideal compromise.

So, despite my personal turmoil, BlogHer '09 couldn't have come at a more opportune time. And when the logistics didn't meet my expectations, I thought about how much I loved loved LOVED meeting blog readers. Seriously, you guys can't fathom how much you made my day just by saying hello. Who knows? Maybe BlogHer '10 will be even better.

That is, if I can afford to get there without being sponsored by a jar of spaghetti sauce.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

BlogHome

...Aaand that's enough of the cutesy wordplay from me. Plus, it's not even entirely accurate. While I'm no longer at BlogHer, I'm not really home yet, either. As we speak, I'm sitting in Luke's parents' kitchen in northwest Indiana, having just finished my remaining two Parents posts for the week and contemplating going to bed, seeing as I can count on one hand how many hours of sleep I got last night, thanks to Luke and I abandoning our hotel room in order to sleep on a futon in the basement of my sister's house alongside both of our children. (Thanks for that, kids!) But as worn out as I am, I can't turn off my brain and all my thoughts about this year's conference.

First, the highlights. I'm glad I found the courage to introduce myself to some of the higher-profile bloggers I've been reading for years: Mom-101, Motherhood Uncensored, Uppercase Woman, and of course Amalah, my Internet idol, whose site I've been following since I first stumbled onto the blogging scene in 2004. (And who totally recognized me before I even said my name. I don't care how much of a fangirl this makes me, that alone was worth the entire conference.) It's easy to get star-struck among all of the A-listers you know and love and to let that keep you from saying hello, especially since they're almost always surrounded by friends and admirers, but then a few of you were gracious enough to seek me out and say nice things about my writing and my kids, and I thought about how good that made me feel. In my opinion, I owed it to those bloggers to let them experience the same warm-and-fuzzies I did by telling them how much I enjoy their writing. In those instances, it wasn't about distributing my business card or pimping out my URL, I just wanted to pay them the compliment I felt they were due and go on my merry way. Though my meeting with Amalah led to a reaquaintance with Cheeky Lotus which in turn led to a face-to-face with Alpha Mom's Isabel Kallman, and when she asked for my card HELL YES I whipped that bad boy out faster than a New York minute. "If you're ever looking for contributors, let me know," I said casually. Like, maybe I could be swayed to provide content every now and then for your kick-ass-popular Web site. You know, when I'm not reciting Frog and Toad from memory or fishing toddler-sized poop turds from the bathtub.

I also appreciated the addition of the Geek Lab sessions. I sat in on two of them, both related to Twitter, and they were immensely helpful. In fact, my only complaint in that regard is that they didn't offer a comprehensive full-length session on all the tips and tricks there are for managing your account. Maybe next year.

There's definitely more on the plus side of BlogHer than just these two things, as well as a few aspects I could have done without, but it's time for me to hit the hay, so future musings are on hold until next time. Normally I save unfinished entries in draft form, waiting to hit "Publish" until I can thoroughly flush out all the points I want to address, but what happens is that I get so caught up in my day-to-day that suddenly three days have passed and I can't remember where I was going so I scrap the post entirely while my blog sits dormant all the while. No more, I say! From here on out, I'm giving myself permission to post shorter, less developed entries and expand on them in future posts as I find the time. Aren't you lucky!

BlogHere

I'm sitting in the lobby of the Sheraton Hotel, completely overwhelmed watching all of the bloggers race from one end to the other, welcoming friends, seeking out parties, checking into their rooms. I just had a good talk with the national director of pregnancy and newborn health for the March of Dimes as well as one of my readers, which was totally awesome; I can't wait to do more of that. But after a long day at BlogHer Business, I'm too tired to seek anyone out. So here I sit, waiting for Luke and the kids to arrive after spending the day at my sister's house. Nathan is usually in bed by now, and we'd normally be starting Kara's bath. Bedtime tonight with all of us in the same room will be fun!

I'm also a little emotional. I found out via e-mail today that Parents.com will be taking down their blog community at the end of August in order to re-evaluate their social media strategy. To be specific, Emily broke the news about her own Parents blog on Twitter and immediately I logged into Gmail, knowing if they weren't keeping their top traffic-driver the rest of us didn't stand a chance. They have invited us to continue blogging until August 31, but after that, it's see you later, mommagator.

And I have to say, even though I love my readers and of course the steady paycheck, it comes as a huge relief during a time where there's already so much on my plate. My day job has always been my top priority, so it's not like this blip will foil any plans to become a full-time professional blogger, and I realize how incredibly blessed I've been to keep that gig for as long as I have. A whopping two years, starting before Kara was even born. Plus, I've been wanting to spend more time on my personal site for ages, in addition to exploring other opportunities for maintaining a presence in the blogosphere, paid and unpaid. Closed doors, open windows and all that. So this is a positive thing.

And yet, surprisingly, I am still so sad. Like I said, it's been A WHOPPING TWO YEARS, and while I complain about the timesuck and creative burnout to Luke, that blog is like an old shoe, comfortable, broken in, familiar. And I do enjoy the readers. And hell yes I want that paycheck. It was only a couple of months ago that I allowed us to factor that money into our household budget, as I was always worried that one day it would be taken away and we wouldn't be able to make it up. My nine-to-five compensates me well, and we'll be fine, but still, adjustments are ahead.

Once again, I'm lucky. I'm lucky to be attending this conference on my company's dime and to be at an event with such far-reaching networking potential at the time I need it most. I'm grateful for a chance to reconnect with those of you who have remained loyal to this Web site, the site that's always held the biggest piece of my heart even when it took up the least amount of my time. In that way, I'll be reconnecting with myself as well.

But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at some point tonight, I'm going to have a good cry.

But I haven't given in to Starbucks

So! I had this brilliant idea yesterday. Seeing as I'm on the cusp of attending a three-day blogging conference where I'll be passing out business cards with my URL on it, I thought it might make sense to--wait for it--BLOG. I know! Am genius. Tell all your friends.

Wonderful things have been happening these last few weeks, many of them related to my job, so that's what I'm going to start with first. If you follow me on Twitter, you know that my employer dropped two happy bombs on us in less than one week: the half-year profit-sharing bonus we received in June and the CEO's decision to transfer ownership of the company to his workers through an employee stock ownership plan (ESOP). You can learn more about ESOPs from our trusty friend, Wikipedia, but basically it means that the founder has given his baby, the business he started almost twenty years ago with his personal life savings, to those of us on the payroll. It translates into additional retirement savings for every one of us and voting rights on major decisions involving the company's future, not to mention a more tangible motivation to continue our current level of success. It was an emotional day when he broke the news, and as I learn more about the specifics, I am blown away by how lucky I am for not only having a stable job in a shaky economy, but a rewarding job with a company that only projects good things on the horizon, not to mention the opportunities I have to advance my skills and challenge myself professionally. As a result, for the first time in my life, I'm taking a proactive approach to my career, assuming new leadership roles and working alongside my boss and other team members to develop strategies for our department that will enable us to work more effectively. I've also been involved with some pretty exciting writing projects that jazz me up like nothing else, even when those projects are equal parts frustrating.

So many women who work outside the home are miserable in their jobs because they are unfulfilled by what they do, making it even harder to be away from their babies. And it IS hard to be away from my babies; I never look forward to Monday even after the most hectic of weekends, I'm always craving more time at home. But I can say with absolute certainty that my time away from them is well spent. Finding myself professionally has inspired me to take a long, hard look at my priorities outside the office and how I want to spend my time (contributing to this is the fact that I'm still reading Eat Pray Love and feeling very connected to the idea of nourishing my personal core). I'm also reflecting on the lessons I want my children to learn from me about finding their passion and also turning raw lemons into lemonade. It's been an energizing process, to say the least, and enlightening, to form a relationship with my company that mirrors a long-term partnership, a marriage of sorts where each side is committed to giving as much as it takes and overcoming obstacles in a way that leaves everyone's dignity intact.

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Things have come to a bit of a standstill on the fitness front, and I can't believe I don't feel guilt about it, but I don't. Even with sporadic exercise and frequent surrenders to peanut butter cup blizzards, I've maintained an average loss of eight pounds, so I can't feel too bad when it's clear I must be doing something right. Unfortunately, an eight-pound loss post-baby isn't the same victory as an eight-pound loss before your body carries a child--my mid-section still looks three months pregnant--but hey, I'll take what I can get. I knew that the more time I allowed to lapse between workouts the harder it would be to get back into a routine, but life is still so topsy-turvy for us right now, and I hate to keep using that as an excuse, but it's also the truth. My girl crush on Jillian Michaels remains as strong as ever, but I'm at peace with sometimes (OK, a lot of times) choosing other ways to spend my time, knowing that life will settle down little by little and a night of rocking my son back to sleep won't always kill my desire to Shred the next day. I did buy some new gym shoes, though; that counts for something, right?

 

Nathan and me at Indy's "Unite to Fight: Race Against Prostate Cancer" family walk a couple of weeks ago. I carried Nathan while Luke pushed Kara in her stroller.

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The continued anticipation of my Tori Amos concert next month along with the recent death of Michael Jackson (and I'll admit it, I am still so sad about that) combined have restored my interest in music. Not that I ever stopped being interested, but most of Luke's and my CDs have been living in a beat-up Tupperware bin in the back of our closet since we moved into this house, and I've been too lazy to dig out stuff as it appeals to my mood. Yesterday I got to thinking about all the songs I've been out of touch with simply because I haven't been able to find them, and it kind of pissed me off to the point that I finally said ENOUGH and organized the CD rack we bought well before Nathan was born. Alphabetized and everything, though I do wish I'd been able to categorize discs for each singer/group in the order they were released. Baby steps, people.

I also made a mixed CD of what I consider to be Tori Amos essentials so I don't have to switch discs to hear all my favorite songs. One of the reasons I'm still attracted to her music after all these years is its ability to become relevant as I gain more life experience. For example, Boys for Pele freaked me the hell out as a God-fearing high schooler, but as a married woman with two kids and a more sophisticated religious and world view, I'm more comfortable with the appeal they hold for me. When From the Choirgirl Hotel came out my senior year, I couldn't get past her new band sound to appreciate the lyrics, but in just the last week or so I found new meaning in a song I had completely written off. The biggest surprise has been my fascination with The Beekeeper. Those who only like Tori when she's angsty have no use for this one, and I understand; I didn't like it, either, not until well after I had Nathan and the softness of those songs found a place in my head. Anyway, all of that to say that the Tori I became enchanted with at 17 is not the same Tori I relate to today. It's pretty awesome when music grows with you.

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I'm drinking coffee now. Me, the woman who swore she would never succumb to the drama that is depending on a caffinated beverage for survival, typically enjoys a thermosful doused with skim milk and sugar on the drive to work. With all the late nights I've had in the last month or two, I've been so tired in the mornings that one day when Luke asked if I would possibly benefit from a liquid pick-me-up I said HELL YES, WHERE DO I SIGN UP. And I said it again and again until Luke was grinding coffee beans as part of his morning ritual while I finished getting dressed. There's something to be said for sitting in my car with one hand on the steering wheel and the other balancing a drink, an act that wakes me up and transitions me from home to work in a way that my sans-coffee routine didn't. Maybe I feel more adult. Maybe the beans are that strong. Either way, I like it.

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Luke spent this past Saturday at a theme park with a friend, so Molly and I took the opportunity to co-host Baby Day 2.0, and the kids had a blast together. They are all at such different stages now that it's hard to believe there's barely a full year between any of them. The Baby Day sequel marked the third weekend in a row that we had company, and it's been so nice to invite people over and watch their kids play with ours. Kara's now getting regular exposure to her peers through the daycare/nursery at church on Sundays, but other than that, not so much. So it was great to have my sister Samantha and her family with us for the Fourth of July and my friend Maia and her two girls the weekend after that. With upcoming BlogHer taking place in the trenches of my hometown, we'll have a straight month of Saturday-Sunday fun.

Here, the photographic evidence:

 

Kara and baby Danny, who will celebrate his first birthday next month. I say this every time I mention him, but I swear he is the spit and image of my sister.

 

Auntie Samantha and Uncle Dan entertaining their first and only nephew, with Nathan loving every minute of the attention.

 

Baby Day 2.0. Kara's all, "Girlfriend, where did you get that awesome striped shirt-dress? Don't hold out on a sista," And Marin's like, "A fashionista never reveals her secrets."

 

Meanwhile, Nathan and Marin decided to pose as if they were attending their first Baby Prom. Nathan may have even tried to grab her hand.

 

Molly loving on her godson. (At least, he will be her godson, once Luke and I can secure the fall baptism date with our pastor.)

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And that's all, folks! I hate that my writing is so sparse here and that the entries I do post have to cover such a large span of time, but that's another aspect of life I'm slowly making peace with. Despite my fallen-to-the-wayside personal blogging, I'm super excited about BlogHer this year and learning new ways to feed my addiction increase my overall knowledge of social media. I'm probably one of the few attendees whose primary reason for going is to actually take part in the sessions. This year is weird, though, in the sense that I'm not part of any big blogger meet-up like I was two years ago, and since Luke and the kids will be with me, I doubt I'll make any of the parties. I'm OK with that, but I really hope to meet at least a few of the bloggers I read and/or who read me so I don't totally miss out on the networking aspect of the conference. I'm also debating whether I should bring my work laptop and try to liveblog any of the events. I've never been good with crafting blog posts on the fly (aka the reason this site so frequently collects dust), so I'm not sure how solid my entries would even be, but I'm definitely thinking about it.

Will any of you be in Chicago? If so, I'd love to say hi. And if you're doing the BlogHer 5K on Friday morning, you'll get to meet Mr. Nathan in person. If that's not reason enough to walk three miles before breakfast, I don't know what is.

So far, so good

The New Year, that is. Despite the raging hormones and irrational fears that accompany being half-way through 36 weeks pregnant, things are going well.

In the entry where I reflect on my goals for 2009, I wasn't kidding when I vowed to get more sleep. Ever since high school, I've had a terrible time getting to bed at a decent hour, as there always seems to be one more thing I should do before hitting the sheets, one more thing that if done tonight will make for an easier tomorrow. I wonder why it took 29 years to figure out that the exact opposite is true; the more I take on at night, the less able I am to function normally the next day. So my biggest focus so far has been to get in bed, dammit, and deal with it tomorrow, no matter how important "it" may seem.

And except for a couple of nights this week when I brought some work home, it's actually been working. My to-do list hasn't changed, but I'm getting better at figuring out what needs to be done in the moment and what can wait for another time. Sometimes this has me under the covers by eleven; on busier nights, around midnight. The absolute latest has been twelve-thirty. On my birthday, I was in bed by ten! For a chronic night owl like me, all of this has been nothing short of miraculous, and I'm thoroughly enjoying the results. I find it much easier to get out of bed at five-fifteen to shower and primp for work (if running gel through wet hair and smearing lotion on your face can be called primping); if I'm really on the ball, I can get washed, dressed, and wolf down a bowl of Cheerios before Luke and Kara wake up around six-thirty, score a few minutes of cuddle time with the baby, and arrive at the office between seven and seven-thirty, depending on traffic and weather. I wish my mornings didn't feel so rushed, but it's worth it to spend more daylight hours with my family.

Another thing that's important to me is reading, and while I haven't done too much of it outside my usual sampling of Archie comics, I have been working on Dave Sedaris's latest essay collection, and Luke got me Eat Pray Love for my birthday (yes, I know this book was popular eighty-seven million years ago, what of it?). I'm OK admitting that my life right now is too busy to keep up with any sort of fiction and that I'm better off selecting shorter reads and/or ones I can easily return to after a few days away. I hear admitting your weaknesses is the first step.

While things are better, they're far from perfect, as demonstrated by the fact that our Christmas tree is still up, our showers haven't been washed out in months, and our toilet bowls desperately need a good scrubbing. But I'm realizing that in the grand scheme of things, these to-dos aren't as important as sorting through bills, keeping up on dishes, and Windexing the spittle off the bathroom mirrors. At least, in my world they're not, and being mindful of my own personal short list has made all the difference in how I allocate my time.

Too bad this will all go to pot in three weeks. But hey, at least I've established a pattern to go back to instead of waiting to start from scratch, right?

In other news, Luke and I already have a couple of exciting things scheduled for the new year, the first being my trip to BlogHer, a trip I'm charging to the corporate Visa as I'm researching blogging for my company. I'll be attending BlogHer Business as well as the general conference, and while the latter doesn't directly tie into my line of work, I do hope to get a better handle on some social networking tools and "geek lab" type stuff that will expand my overall knowledge of the genre. Also, while there aren't as many seminars that appeal to me as when I attended in 2007, I'm equally excited about them.

Even more awesome is the organizers' decision to hold the conference in Chicago. Luke and I intend to make the most of the free hotel room by turning the three-day blogging extravaganza into a little family getaway. Our plan is for him and the kids (kids! Holy shit with the plural) to spend the night with me on Thursday and for us to find an overnight baby-sitter for Friday, thus scoring ourselves our first baby-free sleepover since December 16, 2007. We'll be surrounded by family not twenty minutes from the hotel, so I don't anticipate this being a problem. We can pick them up late Saturday morning, do something familyish in the afternoon, and make our way back to Indiana Saturday night. Absolute perfectness.

The second thing is more for me and less for Luke--actually, not at all for Luke because his feelings for Elton John and Billy Joel are meh at best, but who cares, this morning we bought tickets to see the two of them perform together in Indianapolis in May. I saw them once in Chicago when I was in college, but I've embraced more of their older stuff since then, and I can't wait to hear it live. The concert is on a Tuesday night, and since we are NOT surrounded by family here, our childcare options are limited, but I figured it was worth a shot.

Did any of you guys make New Year's resolutions? If so, how are you doing?

In case you couldn't tell, I got a haircut, too

You don't mind an entry chock full of pictures, do you? Good. Because I am very tired and these images are the only reason I was motivated to post tonight.

Last week, Luke, Kara, and I spent four days up north visiting family, prompted by the fact that my new brother-in-law, Jason, was on a two-week leave from duty in Iraq, and not only did I have to miss his and Ryan's wedding (remember my Saint Joe scare?), he was deployed before Kara was born, so he still hadn't met his niece. We wasted no time getting them properly introduced.

Uncle Jason was happy to see Kara, though he admitted at one point, "I don't know what to do with her!" Here they are both looking to my mom for further instruction.

For our four nights away from home, we spent the first and last one at Luke's parents house and the middle two with Samantha and Dan. My sister is just over a week away from her due date, which just so happens to fall on the anniversary of her wedding. Little Danny Junior's arrival is eagerly anticipated by all.

(Here would be a great place to include Samantha's picture, except that I didn't take any. Bad big sister!)

Here's Luke reading to Kara one of the mornings we stayed with Samantha and Dan. I'm including it because Kara munching on her bunny's ear--the one that has helped her recover from a rough sleep patch these last couple of months--is way adorable, and it showcases one of her very favorite books: Gossie and Gertie, which is actually part of a Gossie-and-friends-type series. MY favorite is the one about BooBoo because it talks about burps, and what could be cuter then a story about a gosling who burps?

 

On Saturday morning, our little family stole away for a couple of hours and drove to Navy Pier. It was Kara's first time seeing Lake Michigan, and Luke and I had a blast strolling her down the boardwalk and giving her a view of the water. The Pier is one of my favorite Chicago landmarks, so it was probably natural that I felt a ping of sadness over not living closer and being able to see it any old time we wanted. Staying in Indianapolis is the best option for us right now, but part of me holds out for the chance of someday making the move to northwest Indiana, where the grass is green and the commuter trains are pretty.

Later that afternoon I attended a surprise baby shower for Molly (I know she'll be sharing pictures soon) (hint, hint, Molly), and while I was gone Luke and Kara hung out with my mom, who was ecstatic over having so much time with her granddaughter. There are some especially cute pictures over at Parents, where Kara's reading Grandma's face Helen Keller style and Grandma's teaching Kara this "so big!" move that she absolutely loved.

(Notice Kara's travel chair? It's a Chicco Caddy Hook-On Chair we can use at places where a high chair isn't available. It was thirty-five bucks and works like a charm, though Kara did cling to me for dear life the first couple of times she was in there.)

Kara likes the hustle and bustle of Chicago, but she also enjoys the quiet calm we experience when we visit Grandma and Grandpa Dunscombe. Also, Grandpa provides adequate lap space for naps.

The next day, before we headed out of town, we stopped to visit Molly and Jack. They were both excited to see Kara, because Molly has baby girl fever and Jack still gets a kick out of Kara's "Oopsie" video. I think they had a good time with each other, though Jack was not thrilled with Kara's tendency to drool on his toys.

Jack's like, "What are you doing with my bus, woman?" and Kara's like, "Boat?"

I don't know why innocent pictures like this make me want to joke about a future pairing, but they do, except then I get weirded out contemplating my baby daughter's potential love matches. Forgive me, Jack.

Molly and I juggling small children and fetuses (feti?) in utero. Neither of us expected to get knocked up with surprise babies this year, but who does? And anyway, there's nobody I'd rather freak out with.

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Now, the random stuff.

My Hoosier Momma shirt turned out to be too small, so my embarassment over wearing it can wait until next year. Maybe we'll just save it for bedtime.

It looks like the top three venue choices for BlogHer 2009 are Portland, Philadelphia, and St. Louis. I voted for St. Louis because it's closest in proximity to Indianapolis, but I would be way stoked to visit Philly again. I went there with Luke in 2004 to visit his best friend. We visited Old City and Valley Forge and took a ghost tour and all of it was awesome. Luke is actually encouraging me to sign up next year and even suggested that the four of us (!) could go together and turn part of the trip into a mini family vacation. I am so all over that; I really did have a great time last year. My only hang-up is my purpose for attending: my personal blog is often left to collect dust, so ads are definitely not a part of my near future, and sometimes it's difficult to keep up on the one I get paid for. Am I looking for larger readership? More freelance work? Or simply network (Amalah, for the love of God, PLEASE SAY YOU'RE GOING IN '09) and have a good time? Is that good enough?

I suppose it doesn't really matter. Luke's on board with my going, and I bring in enough money from blogging that attending a conference like this would be totally worth it. Count me in.

This week has been great to me, baby-wise. I entered my thirteenth week and experienced an energy surge that didn't come until closer to week eighteen with Kara, and my work unveiled a new maternity leave policy, effective immediately, that pays six weeks at one-hundred-percent salary. Words can't express the impact this will have on my life, but I make the attempt over at Parents.

On the housing front: Luke, Kara, and I will visit three more houses on Indy's south side. Wish us luck.

Lastly, Kara is just nine days away from turning eight months old and making the cutest "mamadadababa" babbles you've ever heard in your life. On Monday morning, Luke will take her in for her first professional photo shoot. I didn't realize how bummed I'd be over not being able to join them, but I'm already leaving early that day for an ob/gyn appointment, and things are too busy for me to take off the whole day. Where did the time go? When did my sweet baby girl go from this:

To this?

Hell if I know, but damn if she isn't the most beautiful person I've ever met.

BlogHer '07: The rest of the story (part one)

OK, so I've already talked your ear off about how fabulous it was to meet my bloggy-blog friends at the BlogHer conference in Chicago last week. However, let us not forget that it was, indeed, a conference, meant to educate Web geeks on various tricks and trends of the blogosphere. And I was ready to be educated. After blogging for almost three and a half years, I've found my niche. I'm done with fiction (except TLF), and I dream about being the Internet's version of Dave Sedaris (except not gay).

Anyway, I had a clear list of objectives regarding what I wanted to gain from the conference sessions:

• Get a better feel for the business ramifications of blogging. While I plan to stay away from ads and other money-making ventures on this here site, my Parents blog does provide me with income, and I'm open to pursuing similar opportunities with other companies. In those instances, I'd like to know how to market my image and handle my taxes.
• Learn how to increase traffic to my blog. Hey, if I didn't want readers poking their noses into my deepest thoughts, I wouldn't have a Web site, right? Plus, I'm not technically savvy at all, so receiving pointers from an expert or two certainly couldn't hurt.
• See the inner workings of the blogosphere. How are communities formed through writing online? How do they change? How do people change once they belong to one? And how long does it take before the participants move on to the next one?

As you can see, I had high hopes for these sessions. But I've always loved attending conferences, and now that I'm no longer in school, I's gotta get my nollige any way I can.

Here we go.

DAY ONE

(Breakout #1) Business of You: Self-Branding and Self-Promotion

The write-up for this one talked about "exploring how to think of yourself in what might be a new way...and how to use both online and offline media to promote your work." Bring it on, I thought. I already knew about branding from working in communications, but I wanted to make sure I was doing everything possible to present a consistent image on my blog.

I'm sorry to say I was deeply disappointed in this session, especially because it was the one I was most excited about. There was simply no structure. I waited for somebody to turn on the projector, for some sort of formal presentation that gave everyone a starting point from which to work with, but no. Nobody ever defined what branding was or why it was important. There were no examples of Web sites or bloggers who were doing this successfully, no handouts to summarize important notes. Basically, the panelists stood up front and took questions from the audience, questions that often had nothing to do with each other and skipped all over the place, making it hard to follow a logical train of thought. I also didn't like how discouraging some of the experts were about dabbling in different topics. Apparently if I want to have a popular blog, I need to pick one topic and stick with it, and judging from my ginormous list of categories, I suppose I've resigned myself to permanent C-list status. But Dooce is the master of miscellaneous, and she's one of the most financially profitable bloggers out there, so obviously that's not a hard and fast rule.

Despite the lack of actual content, I did scribble a few gems onto my notepad, my favorite one being "the importance of being authentically interesting and interested." If you want to get anywhere in blogging, you can't robotically comb through Web sites and leave generic comments like, "Your blog is so funny! Visit me at blahdeblah.com." If you want to talk at people, set your sights on print media. If you want to participate in conversations beyond your demographic and you're genuinely curious about what others have to say, that's when you turn to blogs.

In hindsight, I wish I had attended the Identity session titled "The Life Stages of Online Communities." Anybody go to that?

(Breakout #2) Technical: Find Out Why Bloggers Care About Web Standards

This session promised to provide information on how to make your blog easier to navigate for people with disabilities. Kerflop had mentioned the importance of following web standards on her blog a while back, and the subject's piqued my interest ever since. Also, my company works very closely with a local organization that finds jobs for those who are blind or visually impaired, so I see firsthand the significance of making sure your Web site is accessible to everyone.

Anyway, the speakers definitely made good on their promise. Did you know that thirty-eight percent of people with some sort of disability are online? Afflictions range from visual impairment and colorblindness to not being able to use a mouse. There's no way I can list everything I learned, but here are some of the biggies:

- Don't make a link open in a new window without warning. For those with impairments or disabilities, this makes it difficult for them to get back to their original starting point.

- When composing text for a link, don't be lazy and write "click here." For those who can't (for whatever reason), they have no idea what you're referring to.

- Visual captchas exclude those with poor vision from commenting on your blog. Use a text-based one if you can (I know Movable Type offers this option, but I'm not sure about TypePad).

- When posting images, make sure they're properly labeled. You can do this by clicking on the "Edit HTML" window of your post draft and editing what appears in quotes after the "alt." Make sure the text relates to the picture so those who can't see it can still follow along.

Go to www.webstandards.org and www.allaccessblogging.com for more information.

(Breakout #3) Technical: Technical Tools to Build Traffic

This session is a no-brainer; it divulged precious information about how to bring more traffic to your Web site. I loved it and took tons of notes, too many to share here, but the entire presentation can be found at www.elise.com/blogher, as well as additional resources. This session rocked. I can't wait to set aside enough time to actually put these tips to use.

In case it wasn't obvious, both of the technical sessions I attended more than fulfilled my expectations for objective number two.

(Breakout #4) Identity: The State of the Momosphere

I may not be a mommy blogger, but if the Parents.com gig continues to go well, I very well might be one soon, and I wanted to hear what others have to say about the mom culture online. This was another Q-and-A session, but that made sense, considering the subjectivity of the topic. There were three panelists, one of them the great Cheeky Lotus.

I have to say, the dialogue that took place during this session was really interesting, even if I didn't agree with everyone's opinion. A lot of attention was paid to the monetizing aspect of mommy blogs, whether it be posting ads, freelancing, or reviewing products and services for a fee. Some argued that a woman's time is valuable and deserves to be compensated, while others speculated that the reason many people are uncomfortable with mothers receiving this kind of attention from businesses is due to the fact that, traditionally, "woman's work" has been more sacrificial in nature, and critics just aren't used to viewing moms in a more professional light. Yet another person said blogging about your children is no different from blogging about crafts or food, which I strongly disagree with. Is an apple pie going to grow up in ten years and ask you questions about a story you posted when he was still in diapers? I didn't think so.

That's not to say I think mommy blogs are sell-outs. I don't. But let's not pretend that writing about your kids doesn't have the potential for major consequences down the road. As I get closer to the end of my pregnancy, I constantly worry about how I'll portray my life as a mother online and how much I'll reveal about my baby. It'll be important for me to remember that my words and pictures will be available to millions of strangers around the world, and it's my job to protect her integrity, which is just as if not more important than sharing the joys and pitballs of being a parent in today's world. I love telling my story but would hate exploiting hers. Luckily, I've seen a number of bloggers balance these aspects of their lives beautifully, so I'm hopeful I can do the same.

If you attended any of these sessions, feel free to add to what I've said. Tune in tomorrow for Day Two.

Say hello to your friends

Oh my God, people. I am so tired.

This overwhelming sense of fatigue started when I woke up on Thursday--after going to bed at two o'clock in the morning--to update blogs, pack, clean, and shower before heading off to Chicago and has stayed with me ever since. My life battery, she's losing juice fast, and in addition to catching up on work and blog writing, there are seven episodes of All My Children taking up space on two VHS tapes demanding my undivided attention. There's also a husband who I missed very much and would like to spend some quality time with before I take off again this weekend for a family camping trip. Hopefully I can recharge before then.

But you didn't come here to listen to me bitch and moan, you want the 411 on BlogHer! (At least, I hope you do; if not, you're in for one boring week.) There's so much to talk about that one post couldn't possibly cover everything, so today I'll talk about the social aspects of the conference, while my next couple of entries will zero in on the sessions themselves.

Where to begin? I was so nervous on Thursday about meeting so many of the people I've connected with over the blogosphere. I feel most at home behind a computer, where I can craft my words carefully and Photoshop my acne, and I was afraid about not meeting everyone's expectations. But when Molly and I arrived at the W Lakeshore and caught Isabel, Stacy, and Lizarita chatting it up outside the glass doors, I felt myself instantly relax. I may not have met these people before, but I knew them. It was going to be OK.

For our first night in town, we all had dinner at Navy Pier and entertained each other with conversation. It was wonderful--no stumbling over words, no fawning all over ourselves, just talking like friends who hadn't seen each other for a while. Looking back at all the hustle and bustle that took place over the three days I was in Chicago, I so appreciate that we were able to sit in Charlie's Ale House for two hours and just be. And the spinach dip? Totally a bonus.

Left to right, starting from the back: Carrisa, Lizarita, Lizzy, Molly, me, Isabel, and Stacy

 

On Friday morning, though, the anxiety flared up again as I rummaged through my suitcase, wondering if I'd be dressed alright and how I'd make out interacting with actual strangers. When Molly, Lizarita, and I stepped outside to wait for the conference shuttle and I noticed all the skirts and heels, I thought maybe it wasn't such a great idea to don shorts and a tee shirt. I even had a sweatshirt tied around my waist, like I was a high schooler going away to summer camp. However, once at the Pier, I breathed a sigh of relief over seeing the wide variety of dress attire. And I'm pregnant, so comfort totally trumps sophistication. Right?

My big moment of geekdom took place after the last session of the day, "The State of the Momosphere," for which Lena of Cheeky Lotus, one of my favorite reads, was a panelist. After the moderator wrapped things up, I grabbed my camera and made my way to her like a groupie with a backstage concert pass to one of her favorite bands. I told her how much I loved both of her blogs and managed to give her one of my business cards without making a fool of myself. I also scored the picture you see below. I'm surprised Lena was even able to look me in the eye, what with all the oil patches radiating from my face.

Afterwards it was time for a cocktail party on Navy Pier's rooftop, where we all spent a couple of hours visiting. I was tired, hungry, and desperately needing a shower, but it was a great time. I talked to a few bloggers I never expected to meet, like Zoot! We bonded over Harry Potter, Christopher Pike, and our complicated history with Catholicism. Lucky for her I was able to swipe an oil-absorbent sheet at my cheeks and forehead first.

Another group shot, this time with the addition of Jackie, a fellow Saint Joe alum, and Angela of CPA Mom fame. They're the ones making a Molly sandwich.

Saturday was a little easier to get through, as there were only three sessions instead of four. I had lunch with my contact from Parents.com along with Emily from Not That You Asked and Lindsay of Surburban Turmoil, who also write for the Parents Web site. It was nice to talk about how the gig was going for everyone, and our editor assured us that the site's glitches will be ironed out soon, so those of you who've experienced trouble registering or commenting, please don't lose heart. Your call is very important to us.

Cool Moment for Saturday: Jessica of Kerflop came up and introduced herself! I've read her site since the birth of her daughter and commented a few times, but I had no idea she knew who I was. That rocked.

There's so much more I could say, but I'm not sure it's necessary. Some folks will roll their eyes over all the BlogHer posts and write the conference off as a hierarchial rah-rah love fest disguised as personal and professional development, but that wasn't my experience. I had a great time meeting everyone I came in contact with, regardless if they knew my blog, and nobody asked me to kiss their ring or curtsy before I spoke. I wish I'd been able to branch out a bit and meet a wider variety of people, but I also wanted to make sure I spent time with the bloggers I'd already established relationships with. Who knows when we'll see each other again?

But at least there'll be an "again." Freka can't wait to meet all her new friends in person.

Do you think the camera caught Lizzy by surprise? Fear not, Liz, this shot's much better:

Jumping on the 10 Seconds Bandwagon

I'm growing out my bangs. I miss Deal or No Deal. I don't like my stomach rubbed, pregnant or not. AT&T and Sofa Express are currently on my shit list.

I think every little girl should look up to Nancy Drew. Atlas Shrugged is one of my favorite books. Tragic Love Friday is nowhere near the same caliber, but if you were into Flowers in the Attic or any soap opera, ever, this is so your cup of tea.

I recently scored my first paid blogging gig, HOORAY FOR ME.

I wish I knew how to make that Technorati tag work so BlogHer could show me some love.

BlogHelp

At this time tomorrow, I'll be packing up my car and preparing to drive to northwest Indiana, where I will pick up my party companion and head into downtown Chicago for three days and two nights of eating, networking, and conferencing at BlogHer 2007, where I will learn about the ins and outs of self promotion, increasing traffic, and technical tricks that will probably make my head spin. I'll meet online friends I've been talking to for months--in some cases over a year--for the first time. I'll introduce myself to bloggers I've never heard of and others whose writing I absolutely adore. I've got a fun maternity wardrobe and savvy business cards and comfortable shoes for traipsing up and down the length of Navy Pier. Packing will be a snap. I'm ready.

But so, so nervous.

Last year I complained about the entries that followed in the wake of BlogHer, noting that the posts seemed to be solely comprised of pictures marrying women and alcohol, links out of context, and inside jokes the rest of us outsiders weren't a part of. I vowed that if was able to attend in 2007, I would do a better job of sharing what I believed to be the most appealing aspect of the conference: the ability to market yourself and learn more about the trends underlying this fascinating, still-new form of expression.

I'm nervous this goal will be overshadowed by a desire to impress strangers I may never see again.

Don't get me wrong; I'm so excited to meet my online buddies, hear their voices, dish out hugs, and take tons of pictures. I hardly consider them strangers. But I'd be going to this thing even if I didn't know another living soul. I have a class to teach, Web sites to polish, and a lot of information to learn. I want to learn it. I want to see how far I can push myself in this genre, because as much as I love TLF, fiction is no longer my bag, baby. I'm lucky enough this year that Luke and I can afford for me to go and the conference is only a three-hour drive from home, in the very city I grew up in and still love, and there are no children to worry about (yet, oh my God). The last thing I want to do is get so caught up in socializing that I miss out on something that might one day enable me to maintain a full-time writing career from home.

Below is a list of the sessions I plan to attend. The sessions are grouped into different "tracks," which are featured in parantheses.

Day One
10:45 - 12:00: (Business of You) Self-Branding and Self-Promotion
1:30 - 2:45: (Technical) Find Out Why Bloggers Care About Web Standards
2:45 - 4:00: (Technical) Technical Tools to Build Traffic
4:30 - 5:45: (Identity) The State of the Momosphere

Day Two
10:30 - 11:45: (Business of You) Blog to Book and Back Again
1:30 - 2:45: (Business of You) Professional Blogging: Ways and Means
2:45 - 4:00: (Business of You) Professional Blogging: Business Considerations

Aren't the topics wonderful? There are so many to pick from, but I think I'll glean the most insight from these.

Anyway, there's a lot to do before I leave. I have to pack, pretty my toenails, update my Parents blog with two more entries, and prepare this here site for my absence. I plan on posting a little somethin' somethin' tomorrow will even attempt to a TLF post for those of you unable to join in on the Chi-town fun. However, if TypePad goes wonky and the entry never publishes, you can't say I didn't try.

Tragic Love Friday and I'm Going To BlogHer WOO HOO

So, in case you weren't following the comments yesterday, BlogHer cofounder Elisa Camahort addressed my concern regarding whether or not this year's Chicago conference would be in an affordable price range, and she laid my fears to rest when she said one could attend both days for around $250, which includes breakfast, lunch, and cocktail appetizers for each day. Her good news was all it took for me to return to BlogHer's Web site, grab the HTML for one of their "I'm going" buttons, and voila! I'm going! Molly and I are going, and Isabel is going, and her BBF HollowSquirrel is going, and did I mention the venue will be Navy Pier? You all remember my connection with the Pier, right? Move outta my way, muthafuckas, because I'm getting myself a salted garlic Parmesan cheese pretzel or two or three, cholesterol be damned, is all I'm saying.

Oh, and also, for those of you worried about my not having an ob/gyn already, I schedule my womanly exams faithfully every December with my general practitioner. I don't care who's down there with my who ha, so long as the ultimate result is a clean bill of health.

On to TLF.

People, we have twenty-two pages left before the sequel, and rather than stretch it out for as long as I can, I'm just going to type in excerpts of normal length so we can move on to bigger and more dramatic storylines. However, before we move on to part two, I'd like to give non-TLF readers a chance to join in on the fun without having to spend an hour or two reading the archives to catch up on what they've missed. So I'm hosting a little contest. Whoever writes the best Tragic Love Friday synopsis will win their very own copy of...

Beverly Hills, 90210: The First Season. What better way to pay homage to TLF's theme of love, betrayal, and batshit-insane teenage antics then with the gang that started it all?

All participants will receive a little something for their efforts, which will be equally fabulous but about thirty dollars cheaper.

The winning review will include character descriptions of our main players, summarize all major plot points (how you choose to work in this information will be entirely up to you), and feature a word count no longer than an average TLF post. It also has to be funny as hell so non-TLF readers will be persuaded to hop on the part two bandwagon. Submissions must be turned in by the Wednesday after part one's last excerpt is posted, which should happen in the next few weeks. Don't stress out too much over spelling and grammar, as I promise to fix typos, missing words, and the like. I will NOT edit sentence structure or overall content. That's all you, sugar.

Please tell me you think this is a fun idea. In the meantime, we've got a baby to find!

-------

CHAPTER THIRTEEN - KAYLA

I woke up to the sound of my bar door being opened loudly. I glanced at the small clock at the foot of my bed. 8:30 A.M. I jumped out of bed and found myself staring into the eyes of 2 police officers. "Kayla Evans, we have to give you some bad news," one of them said, looking grim. I shook my head. "Whatever it is can wait. A nurse should be bringing my baby here to be fed. She SHOULD have been here an hour ago."

[You know, because babies fewer than three weeks don't really care when they eat. They're breezy!]

"At 12:27 A.M. last night, Katherine Marie Evans, your daughter, was reported missing from the prison's nursery."

[So she's probably still hungry, then.]

"No," I whispered. "You must be mistaken." I felt my legs turn to jello. One of the officers noticed my wariness and grabbed my arm. "It's all true. Now sit down so we can ask you some questions."

My head started to spin. I stumbled and fell on my bed. My vision started to blur. I was vaguely aware of the officers in the room. They ignored my condition and started firing questions at me.

[For this scene, I like to imagine Kayla throwing herself dramatically on the mattress while the cops roll their eyes and uncap their Bic pens. Honestly, what some people will do for attention!]

"Do you have any idea of who could have taken the infant? Have you any enemies? Or," the policeman asked, raising his eyebrows, "did you arrange the whole thing?"

[Dun dun dun!]

It took all my willpower to keep myself from knocking him out. "I love my baby," I sobbed. "I would never hurt her. How can you accuse me of such a thing?"

"Because you started receiving visitors the week of the baby's birth, and then suddenly she's gone," he snapped.

[Oooh, good point. Nice job, lil' Frema!]

"Believe me, I would never--"

"Shut up!" he shouted. "How can I believe you? You, who killed your lover and attempted to murder his pregnant fiance! She lost her baby. Why should I think that you care about yours?" He shook his head in disgust, and motioning to the other officer, they left me alone.

[So, now that I've berated the kidnapped baby's mother and thrown out wild accusations, I'll just be on my way. Nothing to see here!]

I cried for a long time. When I finally calmed down, my thoughts wandered to the welfare of my child. Was Katherine being fed? I breastfeed her. How would she react to formula? Was she even alive? Why did the kidnapper take MY baby?

The kidnapper. Who was it? They had to know the set up of the building. First chance I got, I'd call Jenna and we could--

A terrible thought occured to me. [And the lightbulb finally goes off!] I banged on my door, yelling, "Guard! Guard!"

He came running. "What is it?"

My hands were shaking. "I - I need to make a phone call." He raised an eyebrow. "You're only allowed one call a day. You sure you want to make it this early?"

[Maybe you'd rather, I don't know, SHARE YOUR SUSPICIONS WITH THE POLICE.]

"Yes." We went to the phones, and I punched in Jenna's number. Her mother picked up on the first ring. "Hello?" I asked. "Is - is Jenna there?"

"Kayla? She's gone," her mom angerily said, sobbing. "Food, clothes, and our biggest butcher knife is gone. Don't you dare call again, you murderer!" The line went dead.

[And Mrs. Meddows is the proud recipient of today's Random Dialogue of the Week Award!]

I took a deep breath and screamed. I pulled at my hair. The guard tried to hold me down, but I pulled away. "No!" I screamed. "She took my baby!"

He slapped me then, and I felt the world fade away as I collapsed to the floor.

[More violence against women. Cassie's probably got two black eyes by now.]

[Also, Lifetime? Feel free to approach me about a movie script at any time.]

CHAPTER FOURTEEN - JENNA

My eyelids fluttered. Rolling my head from side to side to loosen the stiffness in my neck [your mom's got a stiffness!], I glanced sleepily at Katherine, who had nestled comfortably in my lap, and then at Michael, who was still driving. He looked like he would fall asleep at the wheel. I reached out and squeezed his shoulder affectionately. [A little lower, Jenna, a little lower....] "Hey there, angel. I think it's time for you to catch some Z's, don't you?" He smiled at me and yawned. "Don't worry about me, Doll. I'm fine. We crossed the border into Wisconsin a few hours ago."

[What? Doesn't everyone drive through Wisconsin to get to Iowa? Clearly geography was not my best subject in school.]

"Really? That's great." I took a look at my wristwatch. 9:00 A.M. I wiggled into an upright position. "Katherine should be wanting to eat soon."

[Sweetie, if Katherine hasn't eaten since she left the prison, she's probably dead. No need to rush.]

"I fed her already," Michael replied, his eyes on the road. "She woke up crying an hour ago, so I just threw together a bottle for her [one-handed, while driving]. A while later, she went back to sleep."

"I didn't know you knew anything about babies," I said, surprised.

"Sure. I have lots of younger cousins."

I stared at my companion's profile as we drove on. He was very cute, in a different way. [So now Clark Kent's not good enough for you? For cripe's sake, Jenna.] He was built, and he had wavy black hair that fell over his right eye. He also wore wire-rimmed glasses.

Michael was a great guy, but the girls I knew at school labeled him a do-gooder. [Don't worry, the kidnapping charges will take care of that!] He didn't date much. Sometimes I felt sorry for him; you could tell he was lonely.

A little while later, we came across a local drugstore. "Let's stop in," Mike suggested. I agreed. "We can't both go in with the baby, though. We'll be noticed." I ruffled his hair playfully. "You need a disguise, too."

I went in first. I felt like a spy as I purchased a baseball cap and a pair of black sunglasses similar to mine, and a few bottles of mineral water. I ran to the car and stopped in my tracks. Michael had his back turned towards me. Peering through the window, I saw him tickle Katherine; she made sounds that seemed like laughter. He said something I couldn't quite hear, and she laughed again. I smiled. Michael would make a good father someday. A good husband, too.

[Hello, Foreshadowing, my old friend...]

I tapped on the window. Startled, he gathered the smiling baby in his arms and opened the door. "Having fun?" I asked.

He looked embarassed to have been found playing with the little girl. "She needed a clean diaper," he said, blushing. I smiled and gave him the thumbs-up sign. "Sure, Mike. I believe you." I took Katherine from him and gave him the bag. "Here's your disguise. The water's for the baby." He nodded and got out of the car. "I bought everything. You don't have to go in," I said. He grinned.

"Nature calls."

Five minutes later, we were on the road again, only this time I was driving while Michael fell asleep with Katherine in his arms. I sighed. Michael didn't hesitate to join Katherine and me on our "journey." He must really care about what happens to me. I didn't deserve such a great friend.

[If she were a real person, I'd happily give her a second slap for being so damn blind.]

For the first time I thought about Kayla. She must be going out of her mind, I thought, but I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be. She didn't know if her baby was alive, dead, or being taken care of properly. [Kayla also wouldn't be thrilled at the thought of her daughter cruising around Wisconsin with her head in another man's crotch, but that's neither here nor there, I suppose.] I felt a pain in my heart as I thought of Mary Katherine, lying beneath 6 feet of dirt. My baby was gone because of the hatred Kayla felt for me.

Tears welled in my eyes, and I reached out and touched Katherine's cheek. She stirred and opened her eyes, giving me a curious stare. [Probably wishing this crazy woman would just leave her the hell alone to dehydrate in peace.] I pulled the car over and took her in my arms. Her mouth formed in a tiny O. As I held her to me, I thought of my actions. I had kidnapped my ex-best friend's baby. Even though I told myself I hated Kayla, I found myself rationalizing her actions. Yes, she made love to my fiance, but it was obvious that she'd never stopped loving him. And she didn't demand anything from David until she found out she was pregnant.

I hated to admit it, but I missed Kayla; I missed the girl who used to be my best friend. When had things changed?

When I started dating her ex-boyfriend.

I was crying. My body shook, and I began to wonder what I was doing. I was hurting my...my best friend. Michael's words came to my mind:

"'Make peace with Kayla, and yourself so you can go on with your life! If you leave with that baby, it'll never be over!"

God, how I wanted the pain to be over. As I gazed at Katherine, she smiled, showing me her toothless gums. Oh, I loved this baby like it was my own. It had just taken one look at her and she was in my heart. It would be like losing another child when I gave her back to Kayla.

But I knew that's what I had to do.

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Happy Friday, everyone!