It's 2:00 p.m. and I'm at work; thus, I should be working. But as I feel I'm on the verge of losing it, I'm going to take five minutes (especially since I'm staying late anyway) to vent at this here keyboard.
Let me say first that I know about all the good things in my life. Work lets me take time out to go to grad school in Chicago, and they're great about vacation days and encouraging you to "take back time for yourself" when work schedules get especially hectic. My courses are stimulating and my classmates (for the most part) have really innovative ideas. I have wonderful family and friends scattered around in both Indiana and Illinois. But even after a four-day hiatus from the office, I still feel like I can't keep it together.
First of all, I can't seem to get back into the groove with school. There's not any more reading to do than last year, but there are plenty more assignments to deal with that invoke stress just thinking about them. Secondly, because my classes fall on two consecutive nights instead of two in one day, I'm out of the office a day and a half a week instead of just one day, which makes me feel disconnected to my work environment as well as the family and friends I was just bragging about a moment ago.
Lastly, I've made some goofs at work that came to light this week and will surely be addressed in my quarterly review tomorrow - one setback that wasn't my fault and two more that were, which doesn't add up well either way you look at it. My reviews usually go something like this:
Boss: "Frema, I can't think of any constructive criticism to give you. Your smile is a ray of sunshine, and your presence radiates warmth and peace to all who fall within your aura."
Frema: "Thanks."
Tomorrow morning could sound something like:
Boss: "Frema, I don't know what's going on with you, but I want you to get your head out your @$$ before I kick you to the employment curb and steal your goshdarn precious Post-Its."
Frema: Wets her pants and bursts into tears.
I'm exaggerating, of course. My boss is a very decent woman, and someone I also consider to be a friend. However, no matter how nice she is to me, she still has to give me a talking-to, and I will, as usual when I feel enveloped in embarrassment and shame, have to fight my big-fat-baby urge to cry. I can only hope giving in to this "cybercry" now will prevent me from losing my dignity and discoloring my underwear come 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.
On top of it all, I forgot to turn off my VCR before leaving for Chicago, which means I missed taping Sex and the City on TBS. No life-altering insights about love and relationships for me. I almost hate myself.
Maybe I'll just start tomorrow with a Schmirnoff.
If you do start the day off with a Schmirnoff, you might want to pop in a breath mint before your review.
Posted by: Luke | October 01, 2004 at 01:12 AM