Oatmeal in the Hizzouse

Oh, Internet, how I've missed you! I've thought about you daily, reading your updates, tossing around ideas for possible posts. And yet, I have not actually done anything until today. Here's why:

Tuesday: Receive a call from my new doctor's nurse, which initially scared the bejeezus out of me because she said she wouldn't call unless the results were abnormal. Am told the results were abnormal and that I have elevated cholesterol. Am ordered to reduce my intake of fast food, greasy food, bread, cheese, and pasta and load up on fruits, vegetables, oatmeal, and other not-going-to-kill you items. Cry because I suddenly hate my body with all its digusting internal problems that are meant for old lazy couch potatoes like Archie Bunker, not young and vibrant couch potatoes who put a cup and a half of Parmeasan cheese in their spinach dip like me.

Wednesday: Try oatmeal for the first time in my life. Gag reflex is reborn.

Thursday: Visit Annie. Am witness to Kroeger Night, in which workers from the local chain of the national grocery store stop by the facility with a stocking for each resident. Stockings are filled with oranges, electronic Uno, and sample sizes of shampoo, toothpaste, and deodarent. Cry at home when I realize that's all some of these children will get this year.

Friday: After two days of soup and fruit, throw caution to the wind and bust out with a frozen pizza for dinner. Indulge in season-two episodes of Scrubs. Provide shelter for Ryan and her boyfriend, Jason, en route to Chicago from IU in Bloomington. Spend forty-five minutes inflating new queen-sized air mattress with bicycle pump. Never actually finish inflating mattress.

Saturday: Spend the day with Luke's sister-in-law and baby niece, now ten months old. Against my will, order garlic chicken from Chinese place. Spend Saturday night scatching the skin off my thighs, bottom, and stomach, because, they itch! my God they itch! Get out of bed at 2:00 a.m. intending to catch up on soaps "until I fall asleep." Finish soaps. Don't fall asleep until 8:30, after wonderful Luke has purchased Aveeno cream for my skin and Benadryl to finally knock me out.

Sunday: Sleep. Shower (I think). Sleep again. Repeat non-sleep sleep cycle.

Monday: Try to work at home but the itching! my God the itching! won't let up and I'm exhausted and now sick to my stomach. Visit idiot dermatologist, who is an idiot because he dares to talk smack about Proactiv, which I have not personally tried but want to because my siblings and Jessica Simpson and Vanessa Williams are doing it and achieving marvelous results. Same idiot hypothesizes that the itching is caused by an allergic reaction to the meds for my bladder infection, orders blood work, and makes weird lines on my back with a popsicle sick. Submit myself to blood work from rival lab. Think twice about naming my employer on their information forms. Pass the evening in an oatmeal bath, in which I sit for nearly an hour. Surprisingly, no urge to vomit. Instead, sleep peacefully. Hooray!

And now, today: Update with a guilt-filled frenzy that cannot be denied. Will most likely be late for work. Promise the Internet to check for typos at lunchtime.

Comments

[Luke]

See? I told you that oatmeal is good for you, even if you don't want to eat it.

[Lisa]

Have you tried spelt? I'm a recent convert (as part of my sort-of-detox). Tasty, yet way higher in fiber, protein, and other good stuff. Might be an alternative for bread and pasta if you need to lower your cholesteral (will also scrub your insides like you wouldn't believe).

I got nothing on the cheese, though. There just is no substitute.

[Anonymous]

EAT LENTILS AND EXERCISE...........EXERCISE,,,,WHAT
A JOKE!!! BLACK BEANS ARE A GOOD ONE.........IN DIP MAYBE,,,,, RED YEAST RICE CAPSULES ARE SUPPOSED TO NATURALLY LOWER CHOLESTROL...WILL LET YOU KNOW ON THAT ONE NEXT MONTH.
OATMEAL...YUCK!! AND "RAISENS" WILL KILL YA..YOUR MOTHER IN LAW LIKES BOTH........EWWWWWWWW.
AUNT RUHTIE

[Anonymous]

DARN PUTER CAN'T SPELL EITHER!!
AUNT RUTHIE

[Anonymous]

HEY....OATMEAL COOKIES WITHOUT RAISENS!!!

[Anonymous]

Yes, oatmeal does need help. Brown sugar adds a lot of favor.

Glad you are better.

Daddy D.

[Molly]

Frema,
We ,the blogging world, have missed you too. However, I admit that I loved reading the engagement entry over and over and loved checking for the numerous comments on the big event.

[bdogg_mcgee]

Did you eat plain oatmeal? Because oatmeal with nothing on it really sucks.

I get the Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal that Kashi makes and it's pretty good. Doesn't have that fake taste that Quaker usually does.

Also, Honey Nut Cheerios are supposed to be good in helping lower cholesterol too--my dad has heart disease and it's an ongoing battle. He eats that every morning.

[Number Twelve]

You didn't sound itchy on the phone at all, honey. Hang in there.

I miss the internet and you as well. No. 12

[Bearette24]

I love Quaker Oats oatmeal cooked in soy milk (let most of it evaporate) with raisins added to the pan for the last 2 minutes. This way the oatmeal is not wet and gooey, and is actually quite tasty.

[auntie betty]

Gross, get a second opinion, and leave your beautiful face alone. It needs no help.Stay away from that derma guy.Just wash your face with nild soap and cream it. Love you auntie betty

[Anonymous]

I spelled mild wrong

[Will Shannon]

Just remember what they call the guy who finishes last in his class at med school...

...they call him "Doctor."

As for oatmeal, you haven't had the full experience 'till you've had McCann's 100% Pinhead Oatmeal, Ireland's brand leader. Their one claim on the packaging is 'Award For Uniform Granulation, World's Columbian Exposition, Chicago, 1893."

Some high praise, that.

[Sambo V.]

Wow I am as ass. I skipped THREE whole entries on comments. I'll make it up to you with a fun suprise for you and Luke when you come in tonight.