To Plate Or Not to Plate

While trying to fudge with the margins of a balance sheet I'd just pasted into PowerPoint at work, I received a phone call from my aunt, my father's sister, who also happens to be my godmother. It had been a few months since we last talked, so she asked about my job, offered congratulations on Luke's and my engagement, and wished me a happy birthday. We were on the phone no longer than five minutes before she got down to business.

"I want to buy your china," she said.

"Oh?"

"I'm looking at the catalog for Carson's, and they've got like seven patterns on sale for fifty percent off. I wanted to get you white, you know, so that they could go with everything, and they have different trim colors. Do you want blue, silver, or gold?"

"Oh!"

"If you don't get it now, you're never going to get it, you know? I figured that since you're a professional, you'll need it, you know, to entertain."

"Yeah.... Thanks, Auntie. I really appreciate you wanting to do this for us."

"So which one do you want?"

"Can I talk to Luke first?"

"Sure, sure. I wanted to get you something special, honey, since I'm your godmother. I want to do this for you."

"I know, and I appreciate it. But.... Auntie? I don't have people from work over for dinner. And we kind of weren't even thinking of china right now. We were just going to look some regular dishes--ones we could use every day."

"Well, I'm not sure how long this sale is going on...." (Flip, flip says the pages of a Carson Pierre Scott catalog, because my aunt believes that Carson's is the Greatest Store on Earth.)

"It's really nice of you to want to do this for us. But I don't even know where we'd put stuff like that right now. We don't even know where we're going to live afterwards."

"I have a girlfriend who got into a house with almost zero down. You could do that, couldn't you?"

"Yeah, but...."

And so on and so on.

I have no doubt that her intentions were sincere. Throughout the years, she's made a conscious effort to remember my birthday, buy me gifts at Christmastime, and generally establish a relationship that better mirrors one that's shared between girlfriends. And I'm grateful for that.

But that's not the point. The point is this whole china thing. I don't want china. Luke doesn't want china. Luke and I don't want china! We eat soup out of bowls from the Dollar Store that have been disfigured by the microwave and spaghetti off of plates that bear rust stains on the rim. We're simple folk, really, and have no need for plates that cost more than ten bucks apiece and/or could inspire the makings of a family feud years after our death.

"I want Momma Frema's white gold china with the blue trim she and Daddy got from Carson's!"

See? No good for anybody.

But I couldn't make my aunt see that. It makes me wonder if the gift is about me having the china or my aunt being able to say that she bought me the china. I couldn't have been any nicer about not wanting the china, any more appreciative about appreciating the sentiment but not appreciating the china. Yet still, it's all about the china.

China, china, china! And while we're at it, Appreciate!

I suppose this was to be expected. When my sister got married last summer, HER godmother was also insistent about purchasing fancy plates and went so far as to tell her to register for a nice pattern at Marshall Field's. Samantha didn't need the china, either, but she didn't want to appear ungrateful, so she went downtown at the height of the Wedding Crazy and picked something out. A few days later, the godmother, the person who asked Samantha to register for the dishes in the first place, called her back and suggested that maybe she would consider a lesser pattern at Sears?

Samantha said a paper shredder would do just fine, thank you very much.

Her godmother bought the china. One setting, to be exact, as in one cup, one plate, one bowl. Samantha returned them all and got her very first Coach purse. This is quite distressing, as I am the oldest sister and I don't even have a Coach purse.

Maybe I should reconsider my aunt's offer after all.

Comments

[Luke]

You know, Frema, I rarely ever eat out of those Dollar Store bowls, so don't go painting pictures that I have no standards.

[Liz]

I didn't want china, either. But we inherited some a couple of years ago!

Haven't used it once.

[David McNelis]

We went through the exact same thing. We, however, didn't handle it quite so diplomatically as you are attempting. We just said, look, we like our plates, we have nowhere to put it, we do not want china. We aren't registering for it, because if we did, we'd get something that is too expensive for one person to buy all of it, and end up 2 or 3 scattered place settings.

In the end, noone bought us china. Of course, now we occasionally look at it when we are at a store that contains it, and would like something nice. But we'd rather deal with it ourselves, and guarentee that we got it all at once.

It wasn't about being ungrateful, it was about our needs, and we didn't need china. Thats a funny thing about weddings, people think that they need to tell you what you need, regardless of whether they know crap about your actual needs. Us, we would have gladly taken cash over the cruddy serving platter you gave us with no reciept that looks like an italian fruit painting got wet and transfered its pattern to the dish.

Its frustrating, leading up to the wedding, and people thinking they know your needs when they just don't. Unfortunately I found, at least in my situation, that it didn't really matter to the person what you wanted, but how other people remembered that they gave X gift, and that you remember it and keep it out and visible when they visit. And I'll stop raving like a lunatic, as I'm making your comments thread excruciatingly longer than you care, I'm sure.

Ok, really, done now :)

[butterflygirl]

Okay-my point of view is different. You may need the China at a later date, so let her buy it. You'll have to come to one of my purse parties to get your Coach.

[Sambo V.]

Keepin' it real girl...you know that this China business is all about politics. I'm so sick of family saying that one day we'll really wish we would have got China. You know what, I'm SURE I won't give a rats ass. It doesn't make me feel any richer or better when I eat off of fancy plates. You can either suck it up and let her get you the China or enter the battle zone. Either way, you can always return it. I think Carson's does carry Coach. ;)

We'll talk more about this Saturday when we go dress shopping! I'm can't wait to see you Breain!! XOXOXO

[Anonymous]

Bravo to you for being tactful and standing up for your not wanting to accept something that has little or no purpose and possibly a hidden motive. China even when it was the must have wedding gift of the 40's, 50's, and 60's still is and probably always will be the most useless gift ever. Of course this is totally one woman's opinion. Unless you plan to start hosting untold number of social gatherings or use it as every day dishware, the stuff sits in your cabinets after of course the almost 10 years or more of trying to collect enough pieces to actually have a full set to serve more than 4 people. Then you end up toting it around with each move, which then one or two break and you then find out that pattern is no longer available. Then you search and search the Internet and odd shops to replace the piece. When all is said and done, you are now in your 60's and your kids have no desire to “inherit” the pattern or style, which is really behind the wrangling for Mom’s china. Your sister was so right in returning her set.

So, how’s that for a first comment from your future brother-in-law's wife. Unfortunately, I can speak to experience on the china thing as it has occurred in my family for at least three generations now. Although my sister did start collecting her very expensive china at the time of her wedding (I could only afford to by her a serving bowl, which set me way back at the time). It took her almost 15 years to get the complete 8-piece setting that she really, really likes and uses about twice a year, but she actually is one of those people who loves the idea of china. And, guess who will inherit it, her one and only niece. Who out of love and respect will tote it around most likely for the rest of her life along with her maternal grandmother’s, maternal great grandmothers, and so on. Spare your children now. I am going to have to have several more just to spare Anna the burden. As you know Matt and I ditched the china idea.

Register for a nice set of Corelle or Pfaltzgraff, practical and useful.

Patty

P.S. I have tried twice now to post so hopefully this one worked.

[Anonymous]

WEll girls......Patty and Bre.... I have a compete 12 place setting and the extras that Uncle Dan got for me while he was in the Navy in CHINA. I bet I have used it less than a half dozen times in the last 35 years......so if either one of you want some real china from the real China let me know.
Aunt Ruthie

[Anonymous]

P.S. Pick out a beautiful dress tomorrow....one that you would want your daughter(s) to wear some day.
Aunt Ruthie

[auntie]

so I guess a sterling silver serving set is out of the question?
lol auntie betty

[Anonymous]

p.s
I will buy the one fork, and one knife and spoon to go with your set and then have Luke go to the car and get it for me. lol