A surprisingly productive two days took place in Merrillville this weekend. In addition to making another hefty deposit on our hall, Luke and I finally, finally booked a DJ and selected a hotel for our wedding night, two chores that had elevated themselves to the current bane of our existence. For the first time in a while, I'm allowing myself to get excited about this wedding.
I'm also feeling reflective. On the drive back to Indianapolis, the two of us talked about how the life-changing nature of an upcoming marriage shakes up all sorts of thoughts and questions you previously assumed you'd buried. As a person who spent so much of her earlier years looking for acceptance, I now find myself taking to the mirror under the pretense that my eyes actually belong to someone else, to people who, for better or worse, influenced my core.
I think about the two major relationships I was a part of before I met Luke and wonder how they're doing, if they think of me, what they might think if they knew I was about to take a husband. I remember entering into each one with levels of infatuation that almost swallowed me whole, believing that this time I'd finally met someone who understood and appreciated my countless little complications and wanted to be involved in all aspects of my life, not just the part that liked to go out with his friends on Saturday nights. Each time I thought, "This is it, now I'm happy," and just like that, I'd see signs that this person was just another alteration in my romantic wardrobe, like a pretty suit that seems to fit at the store but clings too tightly to your stomach once you've brought it home.
In the last one, I knew months beforehand that I'd have to break up with him. I also knew I didn't have strength to do it without "just cause," so I carried on in this probationary manner until one day he almost left for work without kissing me good-bye. I can see myself laying in bed, holding on to the covers, watching him put on his shoes, locate his wallet, grab his jacket in silence, even though he knew I'd been up for the last half hour. It wasn't until his hand was on the doorknob that his head popped back in a kneejerk "Shit!" reaction and he walked over to give me a peck on the lips. And then I watched him go, already starting to cry, because for some reason, that was It, The Last Straw, because I knew with every fiber of my being that I should have been acknowledged before the bottoms of his heels had settled into his Nikes, not after, and certainly not as an afterthought.
I think about the girlfriends I have and wonder which ones are sincerely happy for me, which ones think I'm crazy, and which ones can't believe that I'm doing it first. I wonder if some of them think I'm desperate to get married because I'm planning a wedding with someone who's still looking for a job.
I think about my parents and wonder if they're as ready as they think they are to receive grandchildren from their oldest daughter, a girl who still enjoys chocolate milk and needs twenty bucks from time to time.
I think about a male friend of mine, someone who served as my biggest crush and confidant through all of high school and most of college, and wonder if he ever realizes that countless sexual encounters can never compare to the affection found in one back rub.
I think about the girl I was ten years ago, who wrotes pages of journal entries about how confused she was, how lonely she was, how sad she felt knowing that her whole day depended on just one phone call, and it's been three weeks, why the hell won't you act like a man and call me, you son of a bitch, and wonder if there's a way to let her know that she doesn't have be angry anymore; that everything turned out just fine.
Because it did.
Smooch and I have worked out so much in car ride conversations. Glad you get to enjoy your "you" time with your honey and not focus on the hassle of travelling. Lovely, entry... love-ly. *sigh*
Posted by: Number Twelve | February 06, 2006 at 03:58 PM
Your entry touched me deeply.I am so happy for you that you have found "Mr. Right". You two sound like such a great couple and even better, you sound like you will be great parents one day. Can I just say, I met my husband on the internet in a chat room. He is from Ft. Wayne. We met secretly in Merrillville.....it was "love at first sight". When you find the right one....you just know. Congrats!
Posted by: Twins x two | February 06, 2006 at 05:24 PM
Great entry Frema! Reflection is so important.
Posted by: butterflygirl | February 06, 2006 at 11:30 PM
You know, I see you drink milk all the time, and I can't remember it ever being chocolate.
Posted by: Luke | February 07, 2006 at 07:04 PM
You're gonna love being married.
Posted by: Isabel | February 07, 2006 at 07:25 PM
I'm one of the girlfriends that knows you're crazy, but not for marrying Luke, just in general. :0) I'm so truly happy for you, especially knowing some of the guys you've dated. This one is the best.
Posted by: Lost a Sock | February 07, 2006 at 08:53 PM
I'm very happy for you and Luke. I know you guys are happy - and I can't wait for you to be parents. I saw you holding Jack the other day and it looked so good!
Posted by: Jenabeeb | February 07, 2006 at 09:57 PM
I love Luke! You two are so happy already and you will only continue to love eachother more and more.
Posted by: Sambo V. | February 08, 2006 at 08:48 PM