Fasten Your Seatbelts, 'Cuz You In For A Wild And Incoherent Ride

I feel like there's a lot for me to talk about: losing myself in memories as I sort through pictures for a wedding slideshow. Digesting the results of my cholesterol test. Painting my toes for the first time since June. But all I can think about are babies.

On January 19, I stopped taking the pill. I stopped because Luke and I want to prepare my body for some baby-making magic. I stopped because this post had me sobbing at my cubicle, horrified at the possibility that in my quest to prevent pregnancy I'd actually terminated one. Never mind that one of us is looking for work and we're not married yet; hell, we don't even know when we want to start trying. I stopped because I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

Seeing as I'm already five steps ahead my biological clock, I figured, why not jump over a few more flights by opening up the whole "stay at home or go to work" can of worms? It's all around me. I see truly wonderful women and how their lives have been transformed by the decision to raise their children full time. I read stories from courageous working mothers who place their children in day care to provide a life they wouldn't be able to otherwise.

So when Dooce wrote this post on Monday in response to a "Good Morning America" guest who declared that children with stay-at-home mothers are no better off than those placed in child care, I felt comforted that I wasn't the only one who couldn't erase this concept from my head. Heather opened up comments for the first time in over a year to encourage feedback, and to date more than fifteen hundred people have shared their experiences about the pros and cons of both. Not one to pass up an opportunity to share Deep and Meaningful Thoughts, I posted a comment that sort of attempted to kind of answer the following questions Heather posed:

• Did your mother stay at home? Did she work? How did you feel about what she did?
• If you could change anything about what she did what would that be?
• What do you hope your daughters grow up to do?

I present to you my Deep and Meaningful reply, which really wasn't Deep or Meaningful but sort of rambled on about baking cookies and selling my soul to Sallie Mae.

During my childhood, my father worked odd sorts of jobs--cab driver, flower guy on the highway--until he became a firefighter for the Chicago Fire Department when I was seven years old. In addition to this, he spent his time away from the firehouse doing construction jobs on the side. And for 95 percent of this, my mother stayed home. Just last fall she took a job with my youngest sister's former elementary school as a bus monitor. She works from about ten to four and loves saying that she has somewhere to go during the day and that she can finally contribute to their finances.

When I was younger, our house (apartment, actually) was the one where all the neighborhood kids wanted to be because my mom was one of the rare few who stayed home. She made cookies, cooked dinner, knew our friends and our schedules. In high school I was a good kid but got pretty wrapped up in my first real boyfriend, and if it wasn't for her constant nagging on where I was, who I was going to be with, were parents going to be around, etc., there's a good chance I'd be the mother of a 10-year-old child by now, fathered by a man who was unemployed and still living in his mother's basement by the time I finished my bachelor's degree.

When I was younger, I always thought my mom stayed home because my dad wanted her to. It wasn't until I was older that I realized she was exactly where she wanted to be. However, since they had me so young (19) and struggled for so long, neither of them had the chance to further their educations, which is why they're both so adamant about all of us kids going to college. I wish BOTH of them could've done that.

My fiancé and I are getting married in May and know we want to start our family soon. I have a master's degree and job that has great pay and benefits, but I want to be a SAHM so badly I could cry. However, I'm not willing to sacrifice everything to do that. I want to have the means to be able to help them pay for college so they're not drowning in debt after graduation. I'm paying over five hundred dollars a month to Sallie Mae because my parents had four other mouths to feed in addition to mine and there was no extra money for stuff like that. I'm not angry about it, but that doesn't mean I want my kids to be in the same position. Also, I want Luke and I to have a retirement account. My parents have always lived paycheck to paycheck, no savings, so they don't have anything but my dad's pension to depend on. They're nervous about that. I don't want that to happen to Luke and me.

Once they actually exist, I hope my children have the means to make the best choices for their families, whatever those choices may be. And I really, REALLY hope they aren't saddled with debt. :)

I know. A half-hour for THAT?

It wasn't until after hitting "Publish" that I realized these paragraphs in no way came close to describing how much I love and respect my parents for their decision to place us first--above new cars, fat savings accounts, trendy clothes, nights out, even above their own free time, so that we could experience the kind of life they thought we deserved. How amazing.

Because I read so many "mommy blogs," I also read a lot of comments from women defending the side of the fence they live on, whether they stay at home or go to work or breastfeed or bottlefeed or cosleep or whatever, because no matter what choice you make, someone is going to damn you. And I'm torn. I believe nobody will love and care for Lucy like I do, but it won't kill her if someone else is in charge of changing her diaper from nine to five five days a week. That she's only little once but will need me more when she's in fifth grade and offered a cigarette, or when she's seventeen and unsure if she wants the guy she's been dating for six months to be her first. I think some families complain they can't afford to live on one income because they're afraid of life without two cars or TiVo, but I also think Lucy should be able to earn her bachelor's degree without having forty thousand dollars of debt to her name. Five or ten? No problem. But not forty.

To anyone still reading, I apologize, because I'm sure after thirteen paragraphs you rightfully expected to glean some interesting philosophical insights. I don't have any interesting philosophical insights. I don't even have kids! What I do have are overwhelming emotions that are very possibly the result of my first chemical-free period in six years and the burning desire to be a mother. But not just any mother. A good mother. A loving mother. Someone like MY mother.

We'll see.

Comments

[Lost a Sock]

The fact that you so deeply love your children before they have even been conceived, the fact that you think of them so often, and plan your future all around them before they have even been conceived, tells me that you are going to be an INCREDIBLE mother - whether you work or not, breastfeed or not, and cosleep or not. You have their best interests at hand, and they are so so lucky to have you, even before they're conceived.

[Luke]

I have no doubts on what kind of mother you'll be. You will be amazing at it, just like everything else you do.

[Twins x two]

I am with LAS..the fact that you are concerned about your child/children already says a lot. As a mother of 4, be free. Don't go by who is doing what, when, where, why and how. I started my first set of kids off like that...Oh, I need to do what so and so is doing because it must be the right way....bologna. When your child / children come into this world...you will know in your heart what is going to be best for them and your family. Just remember to go slow. Don't get your undie all in a bundle. Your right, they are only small once.....enjoy it. They grow up way to fast. I will be one of your biggest cheerleaders in what ever you decide to do. Good luck.

[Number Twelve]

First of all, ALL 13 paragraphs were worth the read. And all this weighing and struggling and the worrying? You are so primed for Great Mommy material. Like I tell my mom friends with paying jobs... NO ONE is really getting of easy. It's rough on both sides because... you're a Mom.

[Sambo V.]

I'm not a mom, but I'm your number one fan Breain. I love your sincere concern for the well being and future of your unborn children. I know it seems silly or hard to do, but sometimes we just have to give it up to God and let Him take care of it. I should definitely be following my own advice.

Nevertheless, you will be a great mom! You are amazing and NEVER alone. ;)

[PaintingChef]

Okay...need a warning the next time you are going to make me cry at 8:30 in the morning please.

You are going to be SUCH a wonderful mother. And I don't think that you should worry about what may or may not have happened due to birth control pills, y'know?

I mean, everything happens when it is supposed to and I think that even though you were on the pill for six years, if it was the right time for you to become a mother, you would have gotten pregnant.

(And I'm wanting to be a stay at home mom more than anything in the world. Every fiber of my being aches for it but I'm trying to take a less stressed out approach towards it for a while and see how that works out for me...)

[Tommy]

Everyone's already mentioned the biggest point, the fact you care will make you great. And don't forget that you won't be in the Mother business alone. You'll have a devoted husband right by your side through the whole thing. What ever you two decide will be the right decision.

And just to add one more point.
You should Leap with any child, especially while you're Cosing. that's just dangerous. :)

[verniciousknids]

An enjoyable post - thanks.

I'm off to email my Mum now :)

[Hilary]

Holy cow Frema, while talking to you this morning I had no idea you had posted this yesterday.
I could write 13 paragraphs in response to your 13 paragraphs but I won't. I think all women (and men) feel the same way you do at some point. And I agree with everyone else that you will be a fantastic mother b/c you are already "freaking out" before you even become pregnant.
All I can say is honey, wait until you actually conceive that baby AND THEN wait until you actually have that baby b/c good HEAVENS, your emotions really get the best of you time and time again.
Gosh, now I can't wait for you to get pregnant b/c you are going to be such a wonderful mom! We have to at least wait until May huh?

[Will Shannon]

All I will say is this:

My mom stayed at home with me and my brother. This had an incalculable amount of influence on the way I "turned out."

[Liz]

A very thought-provoking post!

[butterflygirl]

Being a teacher I can experience both sides. My hours are not long, so I never feel guilty about my little man being in daycare. The socialization is a must, at least for me.

[LotionBarBunny]

Frema, I never actually thought about the bc pill aborting a baby since the hormones only trick your body into thinking it is pregnant when there is no fertilized egg at all. Hmm. I was on bc pills from 17 until 23. One month after getting married I stopped taking them, and 3 months later I was pregnant. :)

And well, I just lost a baby in January, so I cannot even read that post you referred to because I may have a melt down.

I have been on both sides of the work out of the home and stay at home fence. I took the plunge to stay home in June of 2001 (and I am educated with my BA in Psychology). I began to miss talking with other adults, so I started working from home instead. I have never regretted it.

Its good to see you putting in a lot of thought about your potentially future child(ren). :)

[Isabel]

This was a great post and I'm glad you wrote it and that I got the chance to read it.

I'm sort of odd and have no opinion about what others decide to do with regards to working or staying at home, or breastfeeding or not, etc. I mean, they have to do what they feel is best for their family.

Me? I'm going to work after this kid comes out. I don't think we could afford daycare once we have a second one, so I may have to quit then. But you never know. I feel good about our choice to put this baby in daycare. But that may change. I accept that.

My Mom stayed at home with my older brother and I. Then went to college to get her degree and worked when my youger brother and sister were young. Personally (and I can only speak for how my family turned out), there isn't a huge different in how either set of kids turned out. They just had nicer clothes because we weren't as poor (but still pretty poor...thanks to my Dad being a public school teacher!).

That being said, it amazes me at how in tune you are with all of this. Your love for your unborn children is intense. I've almost been married for 6 years and didn't even *think* about kids until recently. The fact that you are ready to be a Mom is wonderful and I applaud you for being true to your feelings. I am also happy that you have Luke and that you are both on the same page with this.

(and that post from Very Mom...made me think. Interesting. Thanks for sharing!)

[Lauren R.]

Frema,
First let me start by saying Thank You for the awesome response email you took the time to send me awhile back. I never properly thanked you and it meant a lot that you took the time to give me such a thoughtful, detailed response...
I'll reiterate what everyone else has said - if you spend the time now worrying and care like you do about children who are not even created yet, then you are going to be a rockin' mom to little Lucy.
And whether you stay at home or go to work won't change your ability and capacity to love your babies. And I don't think you'll really know what is best for you and Luke and your entire family until the time comes. My mom thought staying at home was the best decision for her, but after a little while she yearned for the interaction and structure of work and off to the caring arms of a wonderful daycare provider I went. My mom admits this was one of the hardest parenting choices she ever ever made, but you know what? It worked for our family, really really well. My socialization skills blossomed, my mom was able to feel like an adult again and her and my dad and I all managed a pretty great family dynamic. On the other hand, my dearest friend chose to go back to work but that was wrong for her, so she came back home and HER family dynamic improved and all worked out in the end. So, I think its wonderful and beautiful that you are already feeling all of this and I cannot wait for this to turn into a mommy blog!

[Anonymous]

Your science Daddy and your really Daddy love you 100 % as does the whole world.

What is good is good.

Daddy D. (da science guy)

[mhutchinson]

What an amazingly written entry. I love where your heart is. Your parents sound increadible. I hope they know how much you love and respect them. I myself am working at home, (watching kids) after leaving my office job, and could not be happier to be here. I am busy, but still have time to cook each night, bake bread, be with my children. Hopefully making memories for them. I never cooked dinner when I worked outside the house, or anything else for that matter.