There Are Various Possible Titles For This Post

So Far Nine People Are Coming To The Wedding, Not Counting Me, Luke, the Pastor, His Parents, My Parents, Our Brothers And Sisters, Their Significant Others, The Bridesmaids, The Groomsmen, The Flower Girl And Her Mother, Who Also Happens To Be My Aunt And One Of My Favorite People, And Random Strangers Because We're Holding It At A Public Park

What Happens When Luke Works Nights

The Wakefields Made Me Do It

But first, a word on my hiatus. Things have been shakin' in the Frema/Useless Clutter household. In a nutshell, the freak-outs, they're getting worse. A couple of weeks ago a discussion about blogs turned into a discussion about Dooce, the Internet's most well-known blogger, which turned into a discussion about marriage, which turned into a discussion about clinical depression, which turned into a discussion about whether or not clinically depressed individuals should bear children, which turned into me crying actual tears because Luke will surely want to divorce me when I am diagnosed with clinical depression.

Last Wednesday I came home sobbing because my recent submission to this Web site led to frantic searches on the Internet about interfaith marriages and a train of thought that concluded Luke and I can't get married because he doesn't make the Sign of the Cross or believe in Purgatory. I'm not even sure that I believe in Purgatory, but one can only assume my old Catholic-school uniforms will prove equivalent to a "Get Out of Hell Free" card on Judgment Day.

When confessing all of these tidbits and more to Lost A Sock during a four-hour Steak-N-Shake marathon on Friday night, she shook her head in amazement and said, "What does Luke do when you say all these things to him?"

What does he do? He listens until I'm done, says something Calming and Insightful about God loving all people, not just Catholics, reminds me that we'll work it all out, and sighs, "I wish you would talk to me first before you get yourself so upset." And then he rewards my honesty with a trip to Wendy's, which is probably the best reason to marry anyone.

This weekend, though, was not about the freak-outs. It was about receiving the first RSVPs for our wedding. Watching our pastor and his new wife exchange vows in front of God and an entire congregation. Holding two babies two days in a row and kissing a nose that was only three days old. (Congratulations new Auntie Brooke and second-time Grandma Betty!) Looking through pictures with my mother and thinking about how brave my parents were to make such adult decisions before they were even old enough to drink. Digging out boxes from the basement to find the cases to my CDs, a dusty but necessary action in order to sell them for cash. Along the way I stumbled upon collections of books gathered during high school and college, the majority of which I'd obtained from a former English professor who would leave old books outside the door to his office, free for the taking for those interested in owning their very own copy of The Left-Hander’s Guide to Life. So I decided to sell them, too. My mother was slightly suspicious, as if a lack of funds had possibly forced us out of our apartment and onto the nearest highway exit ramp panhandling for change. "You guys are OK, right?" she asked. "You have food and everything?"

She would've been reassured tonight, as I used the $22.25 earned from selling my literary treasures and twelve dollars of my state tax refund to purchase a pair of old-school Nancy Drew hardcovers, two Christopher Pike books, three Choose Your Own Adventures, and sixty-nine installments of Sweet Valley High.

In my defense, Luke began temping again on Monday night and it's been very lonely and the Sweet Valley High books were only a quarter a piece. Plus, I want to share them with my own little girls, because any daughters of mine and maybe even sons will be required to know who the Wakefield twins are, which one is older, and what their dress size is, because these three facts are drilled into your brain by page five of every book in the series. Plus plus, their characters never engaged in premarital sex, used the Lord's name in vain, or subjected themselves to illegal drug activity—well, except one character. Regina Morrow, the deaf girl who dated flirtatious playboy Bruce Patman and was a kind and loving person until she found out Bruce was dating Jessica's best friend Amy behind her back. Blinded by Heartbreak and Betrayal, she attended a party where she was introduced to cocaine, had a rare adverse reaction to the drug and actually DIED. Then SVH had a memorial service where Elizabeth gave a Deep and Moving speech about Regina's life, and her parents took the day off work and the twins' older brother came home from college to talk about Why Drugs Are Bad but also The Importance Of Communicating With Your Parents If You Ever Feel That Drugs Are The Only Answer To Your Problems. If you're interested in sharing these lessons with your own children, you owe it to them and yourself to read Number 40: On the Edge and Number 41: Outcast.

To top things off, I said "Screw frugality!" and spent four ninety-five on a personal pan cheese pizza and five breadsticks from Pizza Hut.

Three fast-food splurges in a seven-day period. My doctor and my bank account must be so proud.

The. Freakin'. End.

Comments

[Luke]

Your Sweet Valley High obsession is a sickness. Admitting it would only be the first step on the road to recovery.

[Lauren R.]

First let me say that, again, you are soooo not alone in the worries about the religious preferences of "the one you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with and now there are deposits involved so really its not financially responsible to back out now even if you wanted to which you DON'T but you know maybe the freak outs could've popped up earlier in the game before you had signed your name on so many dotted lines and checks..oh the checks" ANYWAY...(see I am even capable of babbling incoherently in comments, not just emails!)Now let me move on to a more pressing matter, Christopher Pike! SVH! Nancy Drew! My love for all of them has no bounds, however Christopher Pike played a huge role in my early literary self...I always felt so...old reading them. I mean while all my 5th grade counterparts were reading RL Stine books, I was all HA! sitting there with my very "adult" Christopher Pike (and really my mother should have looked at some of that subject matter, because as I think back maybe 10 was a little young for some of those books...). Sometimes I fear that my children will not want to ferociously devour book after book like I did (and still do) and then really what will I do?? I mean what if my daughter doesn't love "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret." Will I love her just the same?? (of course I will, I'll just have to recite it out loud at breakfast..and lunch...and dinner...and...)Well, this has got to be the longest comment EVER...but can you really ever talk to long about the majesty that is pre-teen literature??? (P.S. Do you remember the Saturday morning SVH tv show?? With those twins [duh] and then the one went on to star as the whore who came to Capeside and totally took away Dawson's innocence?? [but really I was always a Pacey fan so who the hell cares about Dawson and his fragile innocence]) Umm...sorry again for comment highjacking!

[Lost a Sock]

Wowee what an entry!

1. Two of those nine are yours truly and spouse. I know it, because I sent back my reply just FOUR HOURS after getting it. Was I first? Was I first?

2. The very fact that you ARE so analytical and such a planner says that you and Luke will work things out on the religion front, and that it WON'T ruin you. It's not going to pop up one day when you have kids, because here it is, already being discussed between you before you're even married. You'll figure it out.

3. I never read SVH and I turned out just fine. (Ha!) (Yes, maybe have them read them.)

4. Selling old books for new is like selling old clothes on ebay for new, no? Lots of fun!

5. You're going through a phase in your "frugality" that we find ourselves in sometimes - we deny ourselves too much for too long and then for a week or two we just "get tired of this shit" and do what we want. Then we repent, and spend no more. Until next time.

Love ya! :0)

[PaintingChef]

Okay, first of all, I REALLY hope we didn't stress you out with our answer. I really really didn't mean to and if any of us did, OMG we are so insanely sorry. Luke? Is kind of awesome and marry marry marry that boy. Like NOW!

Okay, moving on. CHRISTOPHER PIKE! Thos books used to make me sleep with the lights one! And I still that that "I Know What You Did Last Summer" is based on that book of his...was it "Chain Letter"? I forget. But I ADORED those books. And the one about the girl whose sister was killed but then she really wasn't and she tried to burn them all down in the ski lodge anyway or something...

And SWEET VALLEY HIGH! Holy guacamole (or something equally SVH-ish). Wait, they killed the deaf girl with a cocaine allergy? I must have missed those...

I'm so hitting eBay for the Christopher Pike books now. Damn. I'm telling Patrick its all your fault. Just so you know.

[A concerned reader]

I think that the advice the three bitches gave was pretty good advice. I also think that you have to worry about whats going on in your life now, before you start worrying about the future of your children that you might never have. Not every couple can concieve children. Worry about your wedding and then make sure you and your future husband can conceive then worry about their names and what religion you want them to be. You will drive yourself nuts thinking about all this stuff at once. Just worry about your wedding plans and enjoy your wedding.

[Sambo V.]

I think the concerned reader's comment was a tad crude and unthoughtful. It's great to think about the future of your unborn children and be so invested in the future that you and Luke have. Just take a breath, and relax for a minute. Think about how much you and Luke have already accomplished together.

You've already been through alot TOGETHER and the issue of your interfaith will work out, because you will figure it out TOGETHER. No matter what the two of you decide, you will have a successful marriage because of the love and compassion that you two have for one another. I can only imagine how much love you will shower your children with.

I love you Nootch.

[Um Ibrahim]

Since you only have 9 people coming mabye you could invite your Uncle Abraham. This would add at least three people to the list.

[butterflygirl]

These "freak outs" are normal. You are going to be just fine.

[Twins x two]

"When you dream, dream big..."
Good for you for looking into the future. You can't help it. Espcially with a wedding coming up. How exciting!!! You'll be fine! :)

[Will Shannon]

I sicerely hope that all comes out well. Big decisions always come with a measure of trepidation.

On the religion front, I will keep my opinion to myself apart from to say that religion has the nasty habit of being a divisive rather that a unitary factor. What is true for societies is also true for individuals.

You seem like a wonderful pair who, being both intelligent individuals, can come to compromise and understanding.

It will all come out in the wash.

[Isabel]

Look, I am reading your site at work. It is no longer "porn". Hooray.

Okay, when I saw the title about SVH, my VERY FIST THOUGHT was about the book, "Dear Sister". I think it's #8. About when Regina dies and I cried and cried and cried. I remember it like it was yesterday (but I promise it wasn't). I even remember talking to my Mom about it and saying, "but she was just too young to die".

It must have moved you like it did me.

How I am shamed.

[Erika]

I just read this one since you linked to it and I have to say I am relieved. Except instead of SVH, my obsession was the Babysitters Club and I want those books for my kids...I'm just glad I'm not the only one! Now off to the used book store....