Utensils And Their Place In Corporate America

This morning I attended a roundtable session that focused on the future of life sciences in Indianapolis, as my boss was invited to co-facilitate the discussion as an industry expert. Since I have to write a story about his involvement, I decided to tag along. The start time forced me to wake up half an hour earlier than normal, and in such instances, there's only time for the bare essentials. There's no eyelash curling, no applying of the chapstick, and certainly no time to scarf down a bowl of cereal. But no worries--the session decided to attract participants by way of the continental breakfast, which really just means coffee and fruit, but still creates a little ball of excitement in the pit of your stomach, because getting your hands on free food provides legitimate yet dignified means to stick it to The Man.

I arrived at the conference room at a quarter to eight, allowing me plenty of time to fill up on my share of grapes, and was pleasantly surprised to find almond-braided coffee cake and danishes in the midst of breakfast offerings. I grabbed a plate and carefully selected items least likely to get stuck in my teeth. Just needed some juice and a fork and I'd happily be on my way.

Except there were no forks. Little red coffee straws? Check. Napkins? Check. Butter? Confusing, but also Check. Zero forks.

At first in denial, I blamed its absence on my poor findability skills. (Yes, it's a word.) (OK, no, not really, but don't you think it should be?) My eyes scanned the table again, but nothing. Then I looked back at my knife.

Now, in case you couldn't tell through the style and subject matter of my entries, I'm not a classy girl. I attach "You know?" to the end of ninety percent of my sentences. I don't own a business suit. I still can't eliminate The Crease from my eyelids. And if there's more than one spoon surrounding my plate, I pick up the closest one and use it for the entire meal. That's just me, you know?

So when my eyes rested on the knife, I thought perhaps it was part of a New Way to eat pineapple wedges and grapefruit slices that I was too unrefined to know about. Because the other option was to eat it with my fingers, always the thing to do when you're surrounded by white-collar executives eager to check their Blackberrys in five-minute intervals and hand you a business card upon learning your name. I considered asking, but if it really was The New Way To Eat Fruit, I sure as hell wasn't going to out myself. So I took the knife and headed back to my seat.

Once everyone was settled in and the PowerPoint was in motion, I oh-so-subtly took a survey of the room and mentally counted the individuals in my vicinity brave enough to tackle the whole fruit/no-fork thing, and pinpointed a guy about my age just two seats down who'd filled his plate with grapefruit. I waited to see how he would approach said grapefruit.

Five minutes. Nothing.

Ten minutes. Nope, not hungry yet.

It was an hour and a half before he took a piece of grapefruit and ate it with his fingers.

In the meantime, I had used my knife to cut my coffee cake into sections and pop the cubes into my mouth (sophisticatedly, of course) (Yes, I know that's not a word either, but really, people, I'm not very smart), leaving the fruit untouched the whole time, so I finally broke down, cut up the pineapple, and followed my nearby companion's example. I figured if anyone picked up on the sound of me sucking my fingers dry, I could shrug my shoulders and nod my head in his direction, as if to say, "There's your real culprit."

It's amazing, the number of etiquette-related behaviors that have ceased to find a place in Corporate America. Or maybe it's more about status. After all, my nearby companion and I waited out almost the entire length of the program before we gave in to our fruity hunger. (No pun intended.) (Well, maybe a little bit intended.) (What is it with me and parentheses today?) However, the seasoned researcher who presented the PowerPoint had no problems wiping his nose with a Kleenex while still at the podium, and one of the panel members removed his glasses to give his face a thorough once-over with his hand. These are the same people who delight in telling stories from "back in the day" and pointing out to you--in a group consisting of you and your superiors--how those stories are way before "your time."

You Baby Boomers say what you want about Generation Xers and our lack of interest in big business, but dammit, at least we have manners.

Comments

[Hilary]

Yeah! You know?

[Luke]

I don't think that the word "findability" would be your skill in finding missing items, but rather it would mean your ability to be found, like wearing neon colors or carrying a large sign. A very good skill to have for meeting people in a large crowd or at the airport.

[Sambo V.]

Manners, shmanners...people can be really gross! I once knew this kid who ate from a jar of applesauce using her BARE HANDS!! Craaaaaaaaazy! ;)

[Lost a Sock]

Had you used the knife and several peices of coffee stirrers (stirrers? stirrerrerrerrs, whatever) to fashion a home-made fork, I bet he or she who laid out the spread would have realized that there was something missing.

[verniciousknids]

Maybe they spent the cutlery budget on the unstickable almond-braided coffee cake?!

[Number Twelve]

I'll be back in the office setting on Monday, and I'll just be grateful I won't have to wipe anyone down after meal or snacktime.

And, true that on the Baby Boomers, Frema. I'm just hoping you didn't hear anyone oink. OK, I just crossed the line.

[butterflygirl]

Great entry Frema!

[mjd]

Not all of us Boomers care that much for big business. Many of us sit around in our groovy hippie clothes singing "We Shall Overcome" while eating our tofu with our fingers.

[Mark]

This post really spoke to me, Frema. It said, "USE MORE PARENTHESES."

[Isabel]

Spoons and forks...who needs them?! If there is food in front of me, I'll find a way to get it in my belly!!

(and always nice to get out of the office for a bit!)

[Anonymous]

It's almost been a week! Luke is beating you with post.