Tonight was my bachelorette party. I am a bachelorette! And also in a drunken way.
It is 2:40 a.m. in the morning. To this minute, I have digested three vodka and cranberries, one shot of apple pucker, one amaretto stone sour (which was quite nasty), a buttery nipple, tequila rose, more cranberry stuff, and three shots of Sex on the Beach, which were poured into my mouth while kneeling on the bar in front of a lot of people. I danced with a pole and received many high-fives. There were piggy back rides. I was a rock star. !
Also, I pinched six butts. And even a few breasts. My own buttocks were slapped often by my well-meaning bridesmaids and they even wanted me to wear my bra over my shirt. Appalling!
Before I got there, I was nervous. I was afraid I wouldn't be a good bachelorette. I told the girls beforehand that I didn't want fake penises and I didn't want strippers. Only once tonight before I left did I wonder if I would miss having a stripper. But I did not. I went to the bar and it took a long time for me to warm up. I got a deck of bachelorette cards and one of the commands was to order a Horny Girl Scout. I was a Girl Scout once. I won "Junior of the Year" when I was nine. My competition was my best friend, Karen. But I still won, even without a lot of patches. We don't need no stinking patches!
There were crazy people at the bar. There were many lone men dancing by themselves with glow-stick bracelets. Many were trying to get all up in my business. I told them I was getting married in three weeks. I'm getting married in three weeks! I also had my hair appointment today, and it was good. After three hours and much dolleros, my hair is short and cinnamony again. I did the Cha Cha Slide but still don't know how to do the Charlie Brown. Did I mention I danced on a bar? But the guys were pretty nasty. I'm so glad I'm getting married to a good man. V. happy. Also, I danced to "My Humps" and "The Perculator." I got the alchohol rock in the pit of my stomach after my amaretto so I sat on the toilet. That helped. And water helped. Thanks, Amber!
I love Luke very much. Am very tired right now but very happy to be his bachelorette. And I love my home girls. And sliders. I had three, and some fries. Samantha thinks I will be up again soon. We shall see.
I love the Internet! This is all for you. Because we are in platonic love.

THE DRUNK HAPPY FACE!!!!! PRICELESS!!!!
Sorry I missed it!
Posted by: Number Twelve | April 23, 2006 at 01:20 PM
You were the cutiest bachlorette! I'm so proud that you stayed standing all night even while being on the bar! I had a GREAT time and so did Amber. I love you!!!
Posted by: Brooke | April 23, 2006 at 01:49 PM
You ARE a rockstar! I'm so glad you had fun sister. Nobody can perculate like you. ;)
Posted by: Sambo V. | April 23, 2006 at 02:10 PM
I'm glad you enjoyed your night.
Posted by: butterflygirl | April 23, 2006 at 03:17 PM
Drunk and still able to blog, even with pictures. Something to always be proud of. Congrats! Can't wait to read the blogs of the coming weeks!
Posted by: Jenabeeb | April 23, 2006 at 08:23 PM
I must say, you look great! The hair appointment went well I see.
And I'm highly impressed that you spelled so well, being drunk! Good job. You guys looked like you had a smashing good time. I REALLY wish I could have been there.
The last picture: PRICELESS. :0)
Posted by: Lost a Sock | April 23, 2006 at 11:23 PM
Just don't you be coming at me with that there "bun pincher."
Posted by: Luke | April 23, 2006 at 11:23 PM
I'm glad you had such a great time! And thanks for keeping your drunk-blogging promise....really it was well worth it, don't ya think? HAHA This entry is too priceless!
Posted by: Lauren | April 24, 2006 at 09:27 AM
Way to to girl! I can see you had a fantablous time! I must say I have never seen you drunk, it suits you. Glad you had fun! see you at the wedding!
Love, Auntie Di
Posted by: Anonymous | April 24, 2006 at 10:50 AM
When The girls got home, they said you were so cute. I hope you did not get too sick.Thanks, Amber had a great time. She was due for a night out. Love Auntie Betty xox
Posted by: auntie betty | April 24, 2006 at 12:40 PM
You clearly are a fantabulous bachelorette. Awesome post.
Posted by: Fraulein N | April 24, 2006 at 02:09 PM
You are the cutest EVER! And I'm so glad that you are so happy.
Now go take some Advil. And drink some water. And know that you aren't going to be able to party like that for too much longer. Because damn. I got all old and married and suddenly I couldn't do that shit anymore. Now? A good drunkfest like that? Takes me like 4 days to recover from. Its oh so sad.
Posted by: PaintingChef | April 24, 2006 at 03:04 PM
Woooooooooooooo!!!!
(that's me being vicariously drunk)
Posted by: Liz | April 24, 2006 at 10:17 PM
The last picture is good, but I almost spit out my soda when you said you danced to "The Percolater."
Priceless!
Congrats on the impending nuptials. And it sure does look like you had fun!
Posted by: Lori | April 24, 2006 at 11:04 PM
I counted 3 tangents
and 1 tangent within a tangent.
THAT'S A LOT OF TANGENTS!!!!!
See you a few weeks.
ps. I'll make sure that the guys slap Luke's butt in kind.
Posted by: Tommy | April 25, 2006 at 01:33 AM
Glow stick bracelets?! How 1984 :D
Posted by: verniciousknids | April 25, 2006 at 02:20 AM
Hey, I found your blog through Isabels. Congrats on getting married so soon! And the drunken entry was hilarious! I love it. (haven't been drunk in 10 months)
Posted by: Emmakirst | April 26, 2006 at 05:48 PM
Oh my goodness...you look so cute!
Sounds like you had a great time!
Can't wait to read more!
Posted by: Twins x two | May 04, 2006 at 01:12 AM