Another Anniversary

Today marks one year of cohabitation with my current company, and I'm not sure what to think about it. While the competitive wages, flexible hours, and one-hundred-percent vestment of employer 401(k) matches are to effing DIE for, they're not enough to make me happy about what I do. I'd like to blame this lack of fulfillment on the lab and the fact that my boss still doesn't know how to fully utilize my position, but the heart of the matter is I'm not sure where I belong in "the real world."

At the start of college I thought I'd be an executive powerhouse who took the subway to work and wore white tennis shoes over her tights while strutting my stuff to the office. My mom's older sister was a vice president for a national freight-train company, and she once told me about a disagreement with my uncle regarding whether or not to buy my younger cousin some insanely expensive toy for her birthday, and how she informed him that their daughter would get it no matter what. "I'll just take it from my checking account. He can't tell me what to do with my money," she said, and I was in awe. Any money my mother spent came straight from my father's paycheck. I remember wondering what would happen if my dad was killed on a firehouse run or they ever split up. How would she take care of five kids? Then and there I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I'd always be self-sufficient. No way would I allow my livelihood to be dictated by the financial generosity of my husband.

However, by the end of my first year in PR hell, I was ready to kiss off meetings; strategic plans; fundraising plans; action plans; pretentious corporate love-in plans; deadlines requiring two weeks of overtime and no fewer than eight bottles of Starbucks frappacinos to get through the nine-to-five grind. Let my aunt and other like-minded colleagues make the big bucks by working through dinner and answering e-mails before they released the first morning's pee. I had better things to do, like assume my future hubby would neither die nor leave me in the lurch and trust our combined salaries would be enough to keep us comfortable in middle class.

By that time, though, I was already halfway to completing a master's degree in writing, which, no worries, I'll just make enough moola to pay the loans off. That's the whole point of grad school, right?

But then I fell in loooove with a man who was smart and kind and funny and handsome and everything I was looking for. A man who happened to make less than me, which didn't matter until we started talking seriously about marriage and family and then I realized, holy crap, I don't want to work at all. I want to be a mother and I want to stay home, for reasons I've already stated here. And therein lies the problem.

Seeing as I've already committed the Frema-Useless Clutter household to a five-hundred-dollar monthly Sallie Mae payment for the next twenty-five years, my recent epiphany is a costly one, and I'm scared the education I've loved so much and been so proud of, the education that's not only made me a better writer but a better person, just might screw me out of accepting the only job that will ever really matter.

If I do have to work, I know there are options. I could go back to school and earn a teaching license, an idea I've tossed around since seeing my sister in action with her kindergarteners last year. I've also thought about high school guidance counseling and college admissions. (See a pattern here?) If I do have to work, there are certainly worse things in life than pursuing a career I could actually love.

But at what point does "have to" begin? If the ideal is for Luke to work while I raise our brood, what sense does it make to invest time and money into a career change, especially when we don't want to wait very long before trying for kids? On the other hand, who knows how long it'll take before we're successful? I've seen and heard tales from plenty of wonderful women who've struggled with infertility, and it's too early to tell whether or not we'll have issues of our own. If it takes years for me to have a baby, do I really want to spend that whole time in job limbo?

Which goal do I hang my hat on? What's the best way to balance living in the now and going after your dreams? And at what point do you realize it's time for plan B?

Anyone?

Comments

[Dawnie]

Go for the job that will make you happy. Deal with the kids when/if they get here.

Or, look at it this way: which will you kick yourself harder for? Having to leave a job you love earlier than expected, or putting up with a job you hate for longer than expected?

[Christar]

I know exactly what you mean. There are so many decision to make, and so many roads you can go down, but you don't want to choose the wrong one. I am in college to become a elementary teacher and I'm so happy about the career I've chosen. I love kids, and I will have the choice to have every summer off for 3 months, so when I do decide to have kids, I will have every summer to spend every single day with them. It's a lot to think about, but I'm sure you'll figure out what's right for you. :)

[Britt]

Not that my experience is all that helpful, but I'll give you my two cents....I have always planned on staying home when I have kids so when Cody and I got married, we decided that we would try to live only on his income and put mine in the bank. We've done pretty good, but sometimes it takes so much discipline that it is nearly impossible to live on his wages alone. We had a year and a half struggle trying to get pregnant (with all the drugs, tests, and violating medical procedures that come with infertility) and the whole time I was struggling with career choices. I kept having new job opportunities come up, but I would pass on them because I wanted a family. I didn't want to start a new job and have to tell my boss, "Surprise! I'm quitting in nine months!" So anyway, a few months ago I had another job opportunity come up and I decided to just go for it. The day before my second interview, I found out I'm pregnant. So....now I'm in this amazing career and I'm leaving it in five months, but I'm okay with it because I feel like I did the right thing and God is watching out for me. I kind of wonder if the reason it took so long to get pregnant is because I was meant to have this job, even if only for a short time. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I know this is getting long, but I say just follow your heart and keep your family goals in mind, and you'll be fine.

[Um Ibrahim]

You can always get a job. But you cannot always have children. Many of the women I went to school with all were going to have a career first, husband second, house third and children last. I am the only one of the 9 of us to ever have a child. Three of them have adopted, two are divorced and the rest never had enough time away form work to date or find a husband. There is a saying in the Quran "do not worry about how you are going to support your children. God created them and God will take care of them".

[Lost a Sock]

Wowee, what to say? I thought about passing up my job jump at the second school I taught in for this very reason. However, dangle the perfect job and a big pay raise in front of any girl's face and resistance is futile. I felt terrible lying through my teeth all the time, leading my principal on for so long that I would certainly be back after having the baby, knowing that I wouldn't. I also had to wait it out to be absolutely sure, though.

Don't count on infertility. Though many people have to deal with it, chances are you won't. (I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!!) Being an equal in the great Sallie Mae you-owe-us-your-life-or-minimally-your-first-born department, I would not take on any more loans at this point, hoping for what you are hoping for.

Maybe sit down with Luke and work out a timeline for yourselves on when to switch gears and move into plan B? Obviously, give yourselves some time.

Before you are pregnant this is a really hard statement to believe, but now that my kids are here I seriously believe that it will all fall into place at just the right time.

And, an apology for all of the ass vice, but you ended with a question mark. ;0)

[Lost a Sock]

Also, your background is awesome!!

[Number Twelve]

You are such a brave woman asking for advice. As soon as I come up with something brilliantly insightful, I'll contribute. Meanwhile, I have three children to which to tend. Two of three no where nearly planned for. :-)

[Sambo V.]

Sister, I started to comment yesterday and then never got to finish! Anyway, I know you have been thinking about this a lot lately. Here's the thing, whatever you decide to do, it WILL work out. It may be harder than expected, but you can work through it together.

If you really want children now, then the job switch might have to wait. Or you could work and take a few classes at a time to get your teaching certificate, while you try to have a baby. So many options...and this is only a small portion of my thoughts...call me later. I LOVE YOU! ;) XOXOXOXO

[PaintingChef]

I wouldn't wish the infertility portion of the program on anyone. Ever. But if things were to be difficult, please know that you have plenty of people to turn to for comfort and experience if you ever need us.

As far as a goal to hang your hat on? I'd put happy marriage at the top of the list. That's first. The rest, job, children, money? They're just icing.

[Hilary]

OH Frema, Frema, Frema, don't do this to me. I am in such limbo right now so I don't think I'm the best person to be giving advice.
The ONLY thing I will say is that it will be hard to finish school or do anything extra once you have kids b/c you won't want to leave them. Or at least that's how I feel b/c I'm already away from them for nine freakin' hours since I'm a working mom.
I wish you all the best though and hope things fall into place the way you want them to.

[Lisa]

Somebody's got this uncertainty principle that I kind of like (feeling too lazy at the moment to look up the name). But basically, we can't look too far into the future. We have to take things step by step. You could get pregnant tomorrow; it could take five years. You can't possibly know. All you can know is what's true right in this moment and make a decision for the next moment. You can know that you are unhappy in your current position and that you want to explore other options. That takes you to the next moment in which maybe you're looking up the qualifications you need to become a guidance counselor. At that point, you may decide you that's what you want or you may decide that's not what you want and you want to explore something else. Or maybe at that point your situation changes in another way. But you have no way of predicting any of that.

And from someone who is definitely "taking the long way around": there's no shame in changing course at any point in the journey.

So my 2 cents: take it step by step and go with what you know right now and can control.

Another "principle" that I like: If you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

Sorry if this rambled all over the place!

[butterflygirl]

You will know what decisions to make...it will feel right in your heart...just pray.

[Hilary]

Just wanted to let you know real quick that I finally (yes, finally) did your meme from when you tagged me two months ago! :-)