Next thing you know I'll be vaccuuming in stilettos and falling asleep with plastic rollers snapped to one-inch sections of my hair.

So, the whole Weight Watchers thing? Has not been going so well. As in, I've abandoned journaling and point-counting in favor of Bits-N-Pieces milkshakes and frozen cheesecake goodness, with only occasional trips to the gym. Lately I've been coming home from work hungrier than YOUR MOM (ba dum bum ching) (sorry, the cheap shots are out of my control now) and eating whatever I can get my grubby little hands on, usually pretzel ties and Fig Newtons, even though dinner's just forty-five minutes away. Each day I recommit myself to an attitude of self-control, and each day all efforts crumble the moment I pull into my parking spot, approximately the same time my brain starts taking inventory of what little nourishment remains in the fridge.

However, after sorting through all the literature I accumulated from my weight-watching days, I decided there was one dish I owed it to my budding cooking skills and my cholesterol to tackle: the program's famous garden vegetable soup, known for its tasty, made-from-scratch, zero-points-per-serving, guilt-free attributes. I made it for the first time last week and it went swimmingly, except I forgot to buy the zucchini, and my carrots remained hard as nails even after sautéing them in chopped-up pieces of garlic and onion. Tonight I used the remaining ingredients to make a second batch and strayed from the recipe a little in regards to serving size, opting instead to just start throwing random amounts of shit into the pot--extra carrots, extra cabbage, extra broth, resulting in a soup abundant in carrots, cabbage, and broth, but with slightly less zing, as I only minced the two garlic cloves and half-cup of onion originally called for. It still rocked harder than your mom, though (I really am sorry), and in between hurling vegetables at my stove I even managed to fit in a side of Pillsberry dinner rolls, thus creating the illusion of a thought-out, well-balanced meal. For someone whose idea of gourmet is microwaving the leftover chicken Parmesan pasta from last week's hurrah at TGI Friday's, this is revolutionary. Today, soup; tomorrow, the world.

Anyway, all that extra's about to come in handy, because Luke is abandoning me for a business trip that begins tomorrow morning and ends Friday night, which means I'm on my own in the kitchen for the next three days. I've already purchased the necessary components for my best spinach dip yet, which I promise to share with you, and made a list of the ways I plan to utilize my alone time:

1) Pass out in a bowl of spinach dip.

2) Recover from the gaseous side effects of said spinach dip.

3) Finally tear into the first season of Murder, She Wrote on DVD.

4) Sweat my tushie off for Pam the Vietnam Vet Aerobics Instructor, who actually seeks me out to make sure I'm attending the regular Wednesday step session, which I always totally do, even though last week I saw a beetle crawling in the vicinity of my floor mat.

5) Decide whether or not to continue watching the catastrophe that is Celebrity Duets, the latest reality train wreck slash American Idol knock-off to debut on FOX. On one hand, this program assumes the fuzzy memories you have of jamming to Michael Bolton in fifth grade because rap was forbidden in your house, thereby FORCING you to memorize all the lyrics to "Time, Love, and Tenderness" against your will, is enough to peak your interest in the awkward pairing of B-list personalities with has-been A-list performers without any backstory on the pop-culture significance and/or hopes and dreams of its participants.

On the other hand, "Time, Love, and Tenderness" was a damn catchy album, and Michael Bolton's golden tresses saw me through some tough times. Plus, Little Richard's on the judge's panel, and based on several of tonight's comments, I'm convinced he's channeling the spirit of an inebriated Paula Abdul:

"Boy, you got to pull out the mustard and catch up!"

"You just made my big toe shoot up in my boot!"

"He's got what it takes and it takes what he got!"

"Woo woo! Umm, ah. Oh!"

6) Catch up on phone calls.

7) Revel in the glory of saving fifteen percent on my car insurance. (I really did!)

8) Pine.

Before I go: I know I've done something like this before, but seeing as I'm about to have oodles of nothing on my hands and Silly Hily's results have been so much fun, I'm asking anyone with deep, burning, personal questions about me (not your mom) to bring 'em on. All I ask is to keep in mind my husband's parents read this blog, and if it's all the same to you, I'd appreciate being able to look them in the eye at my mother-in-law's family reunion this Saturday. That being said, I've touched on religion, birth control, and my fat ass with little to no embarassment, so really, anything goes. Also in my favor, I've got the whole Labor Day weekend before Luke can decide to divorce me.

Edited to add: I now regret turning on the computer again at one o'clock in the morning to add the above disclaimer, as I'm afraid it'll scare you away from asking questions inappropriate for children under thirteen. What's a little thought-provoking discussion among friends, is my new attitude, and anyway, my in-laws are way cool, so now I'm begging you to send me to that reunion with a paper bag over my head. Really. I dare you.

Comments

[Stacey]

ME TOO on the WW thing...I had such a hard time sticking to it. The WW recipe for 'snickers pie' is a good dessert recipe, if you don't eat the whole thing. And I have certainly never done that.

So here's my question: What is your favorite book from your childhood?

[Kendra]

I must say I love, LOVE the Hawaii '05 pint glass filled with healthy milk that's trying to creep it's way into the picture.

[Roxanne]

What is your earliest childhood memory? (Is that clean enough for mom and pop?)

[Frema]

Roxanne: If you click on the "before" link, you'll see I've already posted an answer to your question. Talk about service!

[Roxanne]

Oops! I guess I should have read through your 'before' post. Here's another try (by the way, great answers last time).

1. If you could be any famous person, who would it be? And why?

2. If you were stranded on a deserted island, which dessert would you want to have with you (can only pick one)?

3. Do you buy generic or name brand groceries (when there's a choice of both)?

[Silly Hily]

Oh you so better hope some of my nosey readers (ahem, KellyF) stay away. :-) B/c my mother-in-law reads my blog (I know she does) but that didn't stop them from asking. And that's why I was the way I was with some answers.
"Your mom" things were cracking me up.

Okay, hmmmmm:
If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?
What is one thing that Luke does that drives you nuts and he knows it, but still does it b/c that's "just him."
Are you on birth control now?
Have you and Luke found a church or a common ground in that area?
Did you watch Sex and the City? If so, which character are you most like?

[Mrs. S]

If you could eat all you wanted of one thing and never get fat or lack vitamins or whatever, what would you eat?

Actually, I'd much rather hear about how you and Luke met and fell in love, if that's an audience-appropriate story.

[Um Ibrahim]

Try the South Beach Diet. You dont have to think about what you are going to eat. They plan a menu for you. Your folks were over one day and I made them salmon chowder from the a S.B. recipie. They each ate two bowls. You can find recipies for S.B online.

[Beth Fish]

I watched that show last night (sort of) and it was soooo bizarre. Haven't figured out yet whether it was bizarre in a good way or not.

[Judy]

i certainly know how the WW thing goes. i went through it before, too. but, have no fear. i know you can rock it (harder than your mom! see, right back at ya'. hehe)

ok... here's my question: which person, alive or dead, famous or not, would you most like to meet and converse with? also: which is your greatest guilty pleaser; sweet snacks or salty snacks?

[Marriage-101]

I did WW for awhile. Never tried the soup though. You make it look so delicious!

Questions: What one thing would you like to accomplish before you die?

If you could go anywhere in the world, expenses paid, where would you go?

What is your dream job?

Who do you think is the "sexiest man alive"? Luke does not count.

[lizziep901]

I have no questions but I did watch the trainwreck that was "Celebrity Duets" and I am just as confused about Little Richard as you are? What the hell does he smoke before the cameras roll b/c I need some of that before work. That way I can spoout out random snippets of nothingness at my coworkers and maybe they will leave me alone.

[lizziep901]

spout....not spoout.
We ain't in England.

[Lost A Sock]

That soup looks so pretty all decked out with breadsticks and a plate and matching bowl (who knew people actually ate soup out of anything that doesn't rhyme with flupperscare?) You WILL be damn Betty Crocker by the next time I see you (so plan bringing me a pie. Anything Chocolate. Thanks, Betts.)

The your mom jokes never grow old.

I have to think a while on questions. Goooood questions. (I better not say that, because it's quite possible that they will be laaaaame questions, and then I have dissappointed.) I will think.

Can't wait to read answers to everyone elses in the mean time! (You are much braver than I.)

[daddy d]

Thanks, Frema. You are the best. I am always on your side.

[jamelah]

Hi. I got here via Fraulein N's blog, and you are hilarious.

[butterflygirl]

Yum spinich dip!!

[Art Nerd Lauren]

Besides the recipe for spinach dip that will rock harder than my mom, I'd like to know

Which of your electives in college was your favorite?
What was your favorite teacher like?
How much of a different world is academic administration type work than regular corporate America? (kind of rhetorical, but answer if you will.)

Also, who invented these word verification thingies, because cejghzdi? Really?

[Britt]

Here's to spinach dip...and all of the bodily functions that go awry after eating it.

I'll get back to you with questions. I have to think.....

[Jill]

What would you do if you are not able to have children?

[mjd]

Your soup looks delicious and is displayed quite aesthetically in the picture.

As long as you come to the reunion, we are happy. Your forthrightness is one of your many attributes that we love.

[Isabel]

I just looked through the comments to see what questions were here and I didn't see anything from me. I know I commented on this. I just know it.

Anyway, I watched the new show last night. Or rather I started it. Seriously, Little Richard is not well. He needs helps.

Questions?

This is hard.

(I like what mjd said. She seems very nice!)

Anyway, let's talk about family-since they read it and you'll be seeing them this weekend.

1- What was your best family vacation, ever?
2- Which sibling do you get along with the best?
3- The worst? And why?

Okay. That is all. Have a great weekend.

(and where is the damn recipe???)

[Liz]

Soup looks delish! You go, girl.

[Lizzy in the City]

That soup looks delicious, and since it's been raining in NYC for 8 DAYS I'm thinking about soup (and building an ark).
I'm also doing the "you ask me 'cuz I'm fresh outta idears" thing on my blog...
Let's see:
-Where is and what is in your "junk drawer"?
-Ever have a celebrity run-in in which you behaved like an absolute ass?
-What's your favorite joke to tell?

[Isabel]

And I totally took your suggestion and did the same thing today.

Fun stuff.

[Sambo V.]

Your "to do list" while Luke was away sounded very relaxing and fun. Go guuuurl! ;)