Wearing My Spaghetti Sauce With Pride

When I first told the Internet of my plans to revamp my online image, it was mainly due to Blogger's inability to consistently upload my photos. However, the idea of shying away from an domain with "blogspot" featured in the URL was planted almost two years ago, as I became more familiar with the blogosphere and discovered sites like Amalah and Dooce, sites whose authors stepped outside the boundaries of the written word in order to really own their designs. The seduction of personalized banners and categories and "About" pages have me primed to tear my clothes off while registering for a Typepad account.

I first started blogging in the winter of 2003 to fulfill a requirement for an autobiography class at DePaul, where I was in the midst of completing a master's degree in writing. I didn't really know what a blog was, but sharing stories and making a fool of myself on the Internet were two ideas I could totally get behind. When the class ended, a month passed before I created "Through the Looking Glass..." at this domain, composing entries of the Dear Diary, today I ate a ham sandwich variety because even though I didn't know what to write about, I knew I didn't want to stop writing. After a few months I changed it to "What're you lookin' at?" because Luke took this really fun picture of me at my sister's graduation party, so fun that I didn't feel comfortable attaching it to my profile until my title was equally spunky. Last July, after carrying on a fifteen-minute conversation with my boss wearing a glob of spaghetti sauce on my forehead, I was convinced that the name change was actually a warning from God Himself. Such a prankster, that God.

It was also around that time I began taking this genre more seriously as a means to improve my writing and attempted to produce more cohesive content. I gained a few readers in addition to the usual group of family and friends and relished in the extra teaspoon of attention. The first time I scored double digits in the comments section, I thought maybe it wasn't totally out of the question to hope I could do this for money, just like my blog idols.

Now here it is, a year later, and my blogging is sporadic, at best. I have yet to achieve Doocedom, or even Amalahdom, whose readership encompasses thousands of individuals around the world every day. The average number of comments I get varies between ten and twenty, and I'm still here at Blogger, because really, what business do I have soliciting advertisers to peddle their wares on this site when I can't justify paying a hosting service for a couple of hundred words a week for an audience of eighty-five people?

A few weeks ago, Silly Hily wrote about these same sorts of feelings, about coming to terms with the fact that she may never achieve Amalah status, and it resonated in the part of me that yearns to follow the footsteps of the Online And Famous, the part of me who has found it so easy to envy the bloggers who've made a real name for themselves, whose writing has inspired paying gigs with companies like ClubMom and Alpha Mom and BlogHer, which will uproot from California and move east for 2007, in my old stomping grounds nonetheless. When you read popular blogs maintained by popular individuals who name drop and vaguely draw attention to inside jokes and Internet drama over who's being trashed and post about the pitfalls of being a public figure and so on and so forth, it's hard at times not to feel like you're in seventh grade again, and I don't know about you, but I was a nerd in seventh grade. I was crying in bathrooms and sticking an index finger down my throat in seventh grade. Reliving those days isn't on my list of things to do.

When you get right down to it, even though most established bloggers handle their success quite graciously, and even though the possibilities for online writing are available to everyone if you just work hard enough, sometimes the pool seems very, very small.

(Very Mom wrote a fantastic post about all of this, by the way, and I love her for it, even though she describes her two-thousand-plus daily hits as "measly." I'd relinquish parental rights to my firstborn child for measly.)

(Also, jealous much?)

In the first paragraph, I linked to the entry where I first began discussing the use of "Fremanitis" as a possible theme for a non-Blogger site, and in the comments, Number Twelve expressed her love for my Frema alias and suggested I use the name as a branding device, just like so many of the well-established bloggers do. She said, "I think you've had food on your face for long enough."

After careful consideration, I disagree. Part of the reason I love "What're you lookin' at?" so much is the attitude it conveys, one of curiosity and defensiveness, skepticism and embarrassment. One that, under the surface, seems to say, "I want to know what you're lookin' at because I wish you were looking at me." I can think of no better way to encapsulate my awkward, B-list, Internet self.

Plus, the Swiss woodworking industry's already called dibs on Frema.com.

So I'm saying to hell with all of it. I'll pursue a Typepad account in the next month or two for no other reason than I want to, and my current title will stay, and I will continue my illicit affair with the "Refresh" button in Window Explorer, and squeal when my comments tracker goes up, because I like sharing stupid pictures of myself with people I don't know. Maybe I'll experiment with ads and maybe I won't. I'll do my best to attend BlogHer next year, and I'll ooh and aah over Internet celebrities just like when Bruce Willis passed my pretzel cart at Navy Pier in 1997, but more importantly, I'll strive to learn as much as I can about this bizarre form of writing that's revolutionizing the publishing industry. And I'll be sure to share that knowledge with all of you, because my sole complaint about the entries following the event we read about for weeks in various corners of the Web is, after all that hype, how little discussion there was about the conference's theme: How are your blogs changing your world? There were countless "I consumed alcohol with these people" links swapped back and forth, but I noticed only a couple of bloggers sharing any personal insights whatsoever. For a medium so ripe for the picking in terms of thoughtful discussion, I was very disappointed.

Then again, I'm also crushed that Scrubs and 24 won't air season premieres until January. Every rose has its thorn.

Comments

[Sambo V.]

I feel too cool that I'm your 1st comment on your post! ;) Great entry sister. I love reading you know and I know you'll only continue to flourish in your writing. I think I've told you this before, but you're the writer I look up to. You look at Amalah and google and I look at you and do the same. Keep up the GREAT work! ;) XOXOXOXO, Sissy

[Jenabeeb]

I'm sticking with you...blogs that have so many readers are too impersonal. I like reading about what's going on with you and those you know. Stick with it - you may not be brightening the day of 10,000 people, but you certainly brighten it for all who read. Success is not always measured in numbers, you know. :)

[PJ Librarian]

Don't forget all the others you have inspired to start their own little web world. Think of them and their audiences as well. You have planted seeds that are growing everywhere. Like Jenabeeb said, success isn't always measured in numbers. Besides your wit and charm make our days brighter and that is definitely a number that can't be measured.

[Deb]

I stumbled across you somehow and you are just so refreshingly funny!

[Isabel]

I know what you are saying. I'm starting to feel like all the "cool" bloggers have some inside joke that I am not apart of. And never will be. But like you, junior high was not pretty and I don't realy want to relive it.

(but then why am I so upset that Amalah no longer links to me? And why can't I stop trying to figure out why? I feel 12 again and I don't like that feeling.)

Can't wait to see your new site!

[Silly Hily]

"What're you lookin' at?"
Girl, I'm lookin' at you and you lookin' goooood.
You know I am floating in that boat with you. (Thanks for the shout-out.)
I agree with 100% of everything you said. Please, just keep doing what you are doing b/c I will always read you. If you ever stop, I will totally take you out back and poke you in the belly button. (tee-hee-hee-hee)

[Stacey]

Very interesting thoughts...I've been thinking some of the exact same things lately, and I've only been blogging for 3 months!

I started because my friends encouraged it after hearing my stay at home mom dramas. Then I happened upon Sarcastic Journalist, joyunexpected, and Amalah, and many more since (including yours!), and started feeling, to use your words, very B-list. The unpopular girl.

I am also planning on going to BlogHer next year, since it is close to where I live, and I will probably get very drunk and hover in the corner freaking out about the "celebrities", and hoping SOMEONE recognizes me.

And I have to say, I will forever be a faithful reader to you now that I know YOU LIKE SCRUBS TOO! BUT, you also just broke the news to me that it doesn't start till January. Hmph.

[Emily]

I'd love to say that I totally disagree, but I don't. Nothing pleases me more than knowing someone new is reading my site and commenting, or that my hits have gone up. It's weird how this whole blogging thing starts out as a "just for me and my friends" kind of thing and quickly blossoms into a real obsession, isn't it? I know I'm obsessed.

I will say that I love blogging with a platform like Typepad so much more than I did with Blogger. And for a measley $9 a month, I think it's worth it. That's a damn cheap hobby if you ask me.

And P.S. I only discovered you recently, but I love reading. You're a thoughtful, witty, and amazingly clear writer and I so enjoy reading everything you post. So thanks.

[Britt]

Darn that swiss woodworking industry!

And I hear ya, girl!! It's the most exciting thing in the world when the comments hit the double digits. It only happens to me one in ten times. Woe is me! I'm so not cool!

And I hate when bloggers say things like, "I get such an overwhelming e-mail that I can't possibly answer any of them...." It makes me realize how very uncool I am with my three e-mails a week.

[Britt]

Ok, so I lied. I don't get three e-mails a week. I get none.

[mjd]

Not that I would be prejudiced in any way, but I tell people that if you are not the queen of blogging you certainly are The Princess. Look at your profile picture; you are even wearing a crown.

Additionally, your writing is warm heart-felt, entertaining, and humorous. Who could ask for more?

Now, I do know something about seventh grade girls. As lovely as they might be, this is not a stage in life to live more than once.

[daddy d]

The evening has cooled off here on the front porch. I have the HP laptop connecting through time and space with your writing. I think that is the best and you are the best. Just do want you think and it is just fine.

[Lost A Sock]

You lie. I know you get much more than 2000 hits a day, because 1998 of them are me hitting refresh. Whatever you do with this site, I'm a dedicated fan. We will save Fremanitis.com for your fan site. Your writing, as I might have mentioned, is awesome, and your new wallpaper is quite cute, also.

[Anonymous]

I'll read you where ever you are!
Love Auntie Di

[PaintingChef]

Let us revel in our B-list status (although I'm more inclined to consider myself more of the D-List variety...but now we're just splitting hairs). I will read you wherever you are. I moved from Blogger to my own domain because Blogger was moodier than me in the midst of fertility drugs, one of us was going to kill the other, that much had become painfully clear. I use Wordpress and I kind of hate it. We use Typepad at W3B and its the easiert thing in the world. PC.com has Typepad envy.

I will see you in Chicago in '07!!! We can have drinks and then write about the insight we found at the bottom of the glass.

[Number Twelve]

Hmfff... I've never had someone public disagree with me on the Internet before, but GOD do I love the name Frema. Couldn't sway ya' huh?... I will continue to follow in your blog footsteps... I am SO excited for you!!!

Congrats, in advance.

[Number Twelve]

Scratch that first part... Butterflygirl did a campaign on my comment strike. But you did skip the blog poll. Love ya' still, honey.

[Mrs. S]

You know, I had this long comment all typed out, and I've deleted it. The main point of my comment was "we all think you're wonderful and who cares if you're at a blogspot account or your own URL? We'll STILL think you're wonderful - do what makes you happy!" so I figured I'd just shorten it and save you my ranting :D

[Angela]

All that stuff you said? Hear hear! As much as I do wish I could find a way to magically increase my readership and become a blog superstar, sometimes I take a step back and see all of the dramas that are created up in the tip top of the "popular blog world" and realize that maybe I actually don't want any part of that. I've gotten two negative comments in the past and they've just about killed me... I'm not sure I could handle the criticism that comes with blog fame!

Anyway, you're a recent discover for me, and as others have said I keep coming back because you make me laugh and you like shoes--not because you get thousands of hits a day, know what I mean, jelly bean?

[olive jooce]

I linked to you today from amalah.com

I can already say with some certainty that I dig your site...

[Fraulein N]

Frema, you know I'll read you no matter where you go. (Wow, do I sound like a stalker or what?) I'll admit that I squeed a little bit when I read you might be going to BlogHer next year. I'd love to sip cocktails or gawk at the A-listers or discuss the perks and pitfalls of blog-dom with you, live and in person! Know why? 'Cause you rock.

[Temmahkrik]

*spoons this post*

[Mommy off the Record]

I also linked to you from amalah's site. It's hard not to get caught up in the "popularity contest". I wouldn't mind getting paid to blog, of course, by like you said, the pool is small. And unfortunately, there are plenty of big fish swimming it it already!

Good luck moving to typepad. I am planning a move to word press at some point... cuz blogger, well, it sucks butt, dontcha think?