Eating the Joneses' Dust

The first time I moved into a house, I was working in Rensselaer, and I was twenty-three. Armed with a co-worker from Saint Joe to fill the role of Roommate, we found a two-bedroom house on a corner lot in town available for rent and signed our lease just three days later.

It was perfect, with two full bathrooms, bedrooms with hardwood floors, a utility room for laundry, and a one-car garage ideal for storing recycling bins filled to capacity with empty wine bottles; plus, with two adults splitting a six-hundred-dollar payment, it was refreshingly affordable. I lived there about eight months, and during that time I took great joy in raking leaves, eating smores on the back porch, entertaining friends with food and drink and games. It was the first time I'd lived anywhere that could be described as cozy, that radiated a sense of permanency, even though I was only renting and my roommate and I had no plans to live out a Will and Grace spin-off. It was with great sadness I decided to leave, but David wanted to live with his boyfriend and I took that as a sign from God to find my own pad. I stayed in that apartment for a year and a half, at which point I moved to Indianapolis, fast on the heels of a job that promised career advancement and a paycheck large enough to cover my student loans.

The experience of living in that house has stayed with me, and it rises to the surface every time Luke and I talk about buying our first home. Two weeks ago, we circled several local neighborhoods to solicit information about places currently on the market and determine where we might get the best bang for our buck. One Sunday, we stumbled upon an open house for a budding townhouse community on the outskirts of Indianapolis; Luke had brought up the idea of a townhouse several times, as they were rumored to be less expensive than traditional houses and provided their owners with handsome profits upon resale, so "just for fun," we decided to check it out.

What it is about hardwood flooring that ignites hot passion in my girly parts, I don't know, but the minute I saw it, I fell in love.

The sales rep explained that building within the community started about fourteen months ago, and the several remaining units were in the final stages of construction. There were two models available; this one, the Fenwick, had an upstairs, downstairs, and finished basement and was the cheaper of the two we saw. There were two bedrooms, one and a half baths, and an open space designed for an office.

The master bedroom. This picture only captures half of the room's square footage.

Sexy closet space. More drool.

What started out as a harmless walk-through turned into an hour of crunching numbers and exploring the possibility of an October closing. Just for fun.

We were left alone for a short periods of time while the sales rep visited with other customers, allowing Luke and I to review our potential mortgage payment that reflected zero money down and an offer on behalf of the builder to pay off our lease and all closing costs. Visions of breakfast nooks and creamy white carpets danced in my head. "We could totally afford this," I told Luke confidently. "Sure, it'd be a little tight, and I'll have to keep working, but if we have a kid, I can totally work from home. Totally."

"We'll see, honey," he said.

It wasn't until we left the premises that my head began to clear and I realized I had actually volunteered to chuck my SAHM dreams for hardwood floor panels.

In a time where our friends are buying property, starting businesses, and producing offspring, it's easy to feel like we're losing ground in the race to Adulthood. Dinner parties are out, unless our guests would enjoy eating their food off our coffee table, which is what we do every night because one of our chairs is parked in front of my computer and neither of us has the motivation to move it. There's no room for a dog or a filing cabinet or a home office. There's no counter space in the kitchen, so we have to clean as we go. We'll reap unmeasurable benefits from our new commitment to stay out of the buyer's market for another couple of years, but in the meantime, the idea of celebrating New Year's 2008 in our one-bedroom apartment isn't something we look forward to.

I suppose every family has their cross to bear. My parents have lived in apartments for their entire married life; they didn't buy the building my siblings and I grew up in until they were thirty, and they chose to stick with apartment living so my (now deceased) grandmother could tag along, allowing her to maintain her independence and have access to 'round-the-clock help, if/when it ever became a necessity. When we moved in, there were four kids, two per bedroom, and when Donna Lyn was born, Geo was promoted to his own quarters, leaving four girls to share one room. Sad as they were when I left for college, my parents didn't let their grief prevent them from breathing a sigh of relief that Donna's dresser no longer had to compete for hallway space with the vaccuum. The situation might not've measured up compared to the three-hundred-thousand-dollar house my aunt and uncle owned in a posh Illinois suburb, but my parents made it work. There was no other choice.

Luke and I could've bought that gorgeous townhouse without a down payment and hoped for the best. We could've staked our claim on the American dream at the cost of being house poor, knowing an accidental pregnancy would send us into a financial tailspin. Knowing a job loss or major medical expense would probably lead to foreclosure. But it wasn't a choice we could live with.

While lurking on message boards to learn more about today's mothering culture, I "heard" from a variety of women who were violent advocates of staying at home with their children no matter what, who lamented over the current society that labeled the one-income family a luxury instead of a necessity; women who were college-educated and admitted to having the potential to garner respectable salaries yet still registered for WIC to make ends meet. Obviously I'm all about women tending to their kids full-time; it's the very reason Luke and I are waiting to try. However, the idea of middle-class suburbanites utilizing benefits originally designed to keep single parents and poverty-stricken families out of homeless shelters leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But those women aren't worried about the opinions of a judgemental twenty-something who's never had a baby. They had to make a choice they could live with, too.

What hard decisions have you made for your family? Which are you most proud of? Which do you get the most flack for? What would you change if you could?

Comments

[Isabel]

That is a beautiful townhouse. But you guys know what your goal is and that is something beautiful also. I commend you for having a plan and sticking with it.

(I dare not talk about people on WIC who could have jobs in this comment. It's too much of a hot topic!)

What hard decisions have I made?? In regards to being a Mom, or just in life?

Just deciding to become a Mom is hard enough. And then trying to justify me working to all the ladies at Church who JUST DON'T GET IT. Gag.

One that I wish I could change would be marrying my first husband. I guess everybody else knew it would turn out badly. I just wish someone would have shared their opinion with me.

I take that back. I'm not sorry I married him. I wouldn't be "me" without those lessons.

One of the hardest things I did was move out to Seattle and leave my family behind. I'm proud that I did it, because damn, it was hard. And I'm such a stronger person now because of it. And my marriage is so much better because we live here. I have a hard time being married and being near my family.

Anyway, this is about you and not me.

You guys will be blessed for how hard you work. Things will all come together for you. It might just take a few years. Don't fret. They'll fly by!

[butterflygirl]

As a single mom now, I have so many decisions I need to make. Child support doesn't even come close so that the child can "live" as they once did when their parents were married.

I'm so happy that even though I did not put any money down on my townhome, I have a place of my own for my son and I. It is our home.

Life is about making the right choices. I don't take any flack from anyone. I look at them as life lessons. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

[Number Twelve]

My GOD do you ask loaded questions. And I've enjoyed reading the two comments already left and not quite sure what I could add... so to answer ONE of your questions... the move Smoochie (my husband) and I made to Boston. It made no "real" sense whatsover and really... I think I'm going to stop there and just right an entry on this one. Jeesh.

[daddy d]

Duing my childhood, our family of six (4 + 2 =6) lived in a one bed room house. I still remember the street number. So cool, 609. That number can be turned and still be the same. I never knew that it could be different. My mom did however. When my third sister came along, (now 5 + 2 = 7) mom got her family into a much bigger and better house. Of course, it needed to be fixed up. But there was lots of room. The point being, families are together. That is the main thing. The other stuff will work out.

[Lost A Sock]

Nice. Yeah, wayyy nice.

The spring after our wedding we knew we wanted to start trying for a baby relatively soon. Our car was a peice of crap, so we decided to buy a new one - something four-door that would last us a while. We came home with the new sparkling Ford Mustang from smack dab in the center of the showroom floor, vowing to not have kids for a few more years just to have that car.

I know it wasn't one of your questions, but that was probably the stupidest decision we ever made. We started trying for a baby the following month, and traded the Mustang exactly 12 months later for exactly a hell of a lot less money than we owed.

One of our most difficult decisions was taking our house off the market the first time. Looking back, it's also probably one of the best decisions we made.

I have every faith that you and Luke will be successful a la extreme. Your apartment, like my little house, is a temporary necessity.

[Art Nerd Lauren]

We rent my parents' mother in law suite. While it's definitely not the same as living with them (we have our space, they have theirs, we can go for days without seeing each other) there's a huuuuge stigma attached. I usually don't tell people this, I don't know why I'm tell you, honestly! :)

We're sacrificing right now for my PhD, which some day will pay off in a huge way- I'll be able to teach a few classes and mostly stay home with our future kids. This is something that was very important to us. But one year has turned into two, because Kev was laid off for nine months right when we first got married. Next semester we could possibly move out, but it wouldn't be wise because I don't have enough contacts at the local univerisities yet to feel secure in my job.

What would I change, if I could? I don't know. I was very much ready to live with Kev and be married. And living here has absolutely been worth it. But had I realized that I could teach with a Masters, maybe I'd have put off the PhD and just started working. I'm not sure. Sigh!

[Marriage-101]

Hubby and I closed on our house the month before we married. I love it and I love home ownership, but we wouldn't have done it if it didn't make sense. I'll admit, right now, we would not be able to have a child financially. Mortgage plus two car payments, insurance, and bills don't leave much left over. We're not ready for children anyway. But we're not ready for children now anyway. We're hoping that a couple more years in the work force will allow for promotions and raises and eventually we'll be able to give our child/children the kind of life we want. It's all about timing, and whatever you do, you will make it work. You're smart people.

[Silly Hily]

Oh Frema, why do you do this to my brain? On an empty stomach? I can't think right now. Let me go cram some fast food crap down my throat and I'll be back.
I will say this though, I lurve you. Seriously. You and Luke (why do I type Luck every time?) will be blessed ten-fold one day for being smart in the beginning and holding off on some "nice" things. You are looking at the big picture, the future instead of right now and it will all pay off in a big, big way.

[Liz]

The surge of emotion over a house fades eventually, like you said. When we bought ours, the market was crazy with bidding wars and you pretty much had to remain cool, calm, and ready for rejection. Now that we've been in our house for a few years, we can't imagine living anywhere else. I'm kind of glad those other options didn't pan out.

When you guys eventually buy a place, it'll be the right place for you and exactly where you're meant to be. And you'll be SO HAPPY.

p.s. those floors were quite lovely. ;)

[Sambo V.]

I like how you end your post with questions, and good ones at that. Before any bun finds its' way to this oven, I need to get my own personal act together. Sounds like you and Luke are making very thoughtful decisions sister.

[What The Hell Is This?]

What hard decisions have you made for your family?
Giving up my salary, that was more than twice what my husband made so I could stay at home. Yeah, I am one of those. I love it though and wouldn't change it for the world... would I have gone on WIC to do it.. NO. But that is just me.
Which are you most proud of?
Going 'gung ho' on Dave Ramsey so I could stay at home. I love him for helping us get off on the right foot.
Which do you get the most flack for?
I get alot of flack from my family when it comes to my childs food. I have a 6 month old who just started solids and my family just doesn't understand why I don't want him gnawing on a rib bone. I just stand my ground.
I also get flack for staying at home. I have a master's in Engineering and my family is just floored that I would put my career on hold.
What would you change if you could?
My family... ugh and I would make my husband make more money.. but who wouldn't.

[Silly Hily]

Okay, I'm back. But all I can say right now is that it makes me go cross-eyed to think that some of the money I make is automatically deducted from my "take home salary" to help other mothers who want to stay at home have that choice b/c they are on WIC. And I'll stop there b/c I might punch something.
Um, next, OH, want to know what juicy gossip I found out about the "Jonses'"? Mrs. Jones has 10 credit cards that her husband doesn't even know about. They are maxed out to the limit and will NEVER get out of debt. It will be something that they will pass onto their children. But damnit, at least that child wore some sort of smock dress at the age of 3. That nice car that they are driving? It was given to them by their parents b/c it was paid off. All that lovely furniture in the house? They took out a second home loan to pay for it. There is no life insurance. No college fund. Hmmmm, all of a sudden, those Jonses', they don't look so good do they?

But here is the most important question of the day. How are you handling this spinach situation? You are the first person I thought of when I heard about it.

[Britt]

I think that your goal to be a SAHM is great, and I commend you for being so responsible about it. When the ovaries start leaping, it's hard to think logically, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

I'm fully set on being a SAHM, and I'm scared to death as each month passes by, and I calculate the number of paychecks I have left. It will be hard financially, but a baby is only a baby for so long, and if I can sacrifice some material posessions and be able to be there for his first words, first step, and every little thing between, then it's totally worth giving up hard wood floors (I had the chance to get them, and I turned them down).

[mjd]

I love the way that you and Luke think things through and sometimes rethink and come to a different decision. Some decisions are probably neither good or bad just different. Once you have taken one path; you may never know what obstacles lay in the road not taken. As you know, my decision to stay home with little Luke and his brother, Matt, was determined for me. However, I am so happy that I was able to stay home with them when they were small. I treasure those days.

[Jenabeeb]

Hard to believe, but yes, I thought of you right away with this spinach outbreak, as well, like Silly Hily. Of course, right now it is for fresh spinach only and spinach dip is made with frozen, right? But then again, frozen COMES from fresh, doesn't it?
Well, hopefully this will all go away soon.