One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

A few days ago, Britt of Weekday Wisdom blogged about some embarrassing moments she experienced in middle school, and it got me to thinking about an incident in my past I'm not exactly shouting from the rooftops myself, an incident that truly encapsulates the severity of my pre-teen awkardness. And I thought you'd like to hear it. Consider it my Thanksgiving present to you.

The year was 1989, the backdrop fourth grade, and for all but one of the twenty-nine students in Ms. Socha's classroom, the subject was math; for Frema, however, it related to how long she could refrain from spilling the contents of her bladder all over her hardwood chair. Ms. Socha must've had her back turned to the students for a good five minutes while she wrote out various mathematical formulas like fractions and multiplication tables and division exercises and other important number things, while I raised my left hand like an enemy ship waving a white flag after initiating an attack over unfriendly waters: fiercely, with passion, filled with hope for a better tomorrow. But I didn't care about tomorrow; all I wanted was thirty seconds to reconcile with the unfriendly waters raging in my urinary tract.

If this predicament had fallen upon a more confident child, the course of action would've been easy. Say the woman's name already! Students do it all the time! For some reason, though, the thought of asking my teacher for permission to use the potty in front of my peers was more horrifying than wetting my pants.

Which is exactly why I wet my pants.

It started out innocently enough. I'll just go a little bit, I thought, just enough to relieve the pain until Ms. Socha's done at the board, but you know how it goes. Similar to devouring a container of Pringles, once you pop, you can't stop. Two minutes later, my teacher had turned to face the class, a yellow puddle had formed beneath my desk, and I had darted off to the community restroom JUST ACROSS THE HALL (thus making my tale even more tragic), where I cried and peed to my heart's content. Luckily math was the last subject of the day, and since we were so close to dismissal already, I hung out in one of the stalls while the bathroom monitor contacted my mother about bringing a fresh change of clothes for the walk home.

The following morning, I was terrified to go to school; fourth graders aren't known for their compassionate dispositions, the boys being an especially awful lot; it wasn't uncommon for them to taunt their female counterparts by pulling on their hair or mercilessly chanting "Skid Row beat up New Kids!" during recess. It had taken hours to fall asleep the night before, imagining the horrible tricks they might have up their sleeves for me.

Seeing as I approached the playground with this mindset, you can imagine my surprise when a group of friends circled around me hastily, anxious to receive an update on what they called my dire medical condition; apparently everyone had been told I'd gotten sick in class and thrown up in my seat. How a bunch of kids mistook urine for vomit I'll never know. Maybe it was Ms. Socha's doing. Maybe it was God's. Either way, somebody saved my gluteus maximus from months of teasing and humiliation, and I will never forget it.

Tell me, what was your most embarrassing moment as a kid?

Comments

[Emma in Canada]

I don't think I'm ready to talk about my most embarassing moment, but thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost peed my own pants.

[Stacey]

Oh, Frema! That's so awful! I am glad the story had a happy ending.

At the moment, I can't think of a most embarrassing moment, but after reading the Ramona books, I was TERRIFIED of throwing up in the middle of class. That haunted me my entire second grade year, and I still have trouble eating oatmeal for breakfast without remembering Ramona's embarrassing experience.

[Liz]

Oh, poor Frema!

[Erika]

can't even remember if he was the class heartthrob or one I was friendly with, but whoever he was, I whispered his name to tell him something (presumably) witty, and right as he turned around, I...farted. In the silent gym. Which made it look like I got his attention just to fart. My face is turning red just typing this!!

[Erika]

LOL, i lost the beginning of my comment!!

Since you did it, I will. It was in middle school gym class (couldn't you see it coming?) and we did our warm-ups in rows. Each row as a "team". We were doing the stretch where your right leg is straight out, your left foot is against your right knee, and your left knee is touching the ground, reach for your right toes. The boy in front of me, I can't even remember if he was the class heartthrob or one I was friendly with, but whoever he was, I whispered his name to tell him something (presumably) witty, and right as he turned around, I...farted. In the silent gym. Which made it look like I got his attention just to fart. My face is turning red just typing this!!

[Audrey]

Oh, no! I about spit my coffee all over my monitor when I read "I'll go just a little." That is too funny and sooo embarassing!

My embarassing childhood story is also pee-related. It was sometime in the elementary years, and I was hanging out at my best friend's house. I had to pee so badly (why do I still feel the need to hold it so long?) that I got to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, sat, and peed. Only after I was finished did I realize that while I had gotten my pants down, I had failed to get my underwear out of harm's way. Turns out it is possible to make it to the bathroom on time and still pee your pants.

[Judy]

dude, how awful! also, seeing how a lot of teachers work recently, i'm sure your teacher covered for you.

one of my most embarrassing moments (aside from being the fat kid and getting teased all the time) was my very first day of Junior High. i was headed to my last class of the day (Band class) and i FELL DOWN THE STAIRS. yup. in front of everyone. it sucked.

[Squisita]

Kids were mean when I was younger, but it was usually over not inherently embarrassing stuff - couldn't finish my milk, or I had a weird accent or whatever.

But Judy's story reminded me of this time when I was an adult, and I was flying home from visiting my grandmother. I was totally checking out this cute guy on my flight. After we "deplaned" and proceeded to the baggage claim, I kind of shadowed him. As he got on the escalator down to baggage, I thought I'd play it cool and go down the adjoining staircase (the better to keep an eye on him).

Well, while my attention was distracted, my toe caught on something, and I fell HEAD FIRST down the really long stairway. Some lady from the escalator shrieked so everyone looked at me falling. As I fell I threw my arms up to catch myself but I had on this really heavy backpack and its momentum threw me forward so that I basically Supermanned down the entire staircase, thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thump.

At the bottom, THE GUY (!) rushed over to see if I was OK, and I was but the wind was knocked out of me so I couldn't answer for a minute. He totally helped me up, helped me get my bags, waited while I hailed a cab, and finally...asked me out.

[Lost A Sock]

Oh holy crap! That's hysterical, and also a serious miracle that you didn't get more flack about it than you did!!

I hope you learned that you can never go just a little.

Hahahaha. (Sorry.)

I don't know what my most embarrassing would be, but here's a pretty good one:

http://lostasock.blogspot.com/2006/02/mental-state.html

(Too bad I don't know how to insert links into comments, eh?)

[Angela]

Oh my christ, this has been the most painful post and corresponding comments that I have ever read. I feel the need to go cry alone in the closet out of embarrassment just from READING these stories. I'm just still not brave enough to share my humiliating moments. I think I'll probably take them to my grave...

[mjd]

Hmm, you brave souls sharing your most embarassing moments with the entire world. Fortunately, my mind is kind to me; I tend to remember the good things and suppress the bad things. However, there was this one time...

[Britt]

I'm so glad things turned out ok in the end. Peeing one's pants as a child can haunt you for the rest of your life. Kids are so stinkin' mean!

Sometime in the future, I'll have to write about the time I peed the bed at girls' camp.... when I was 14!

[daddy d]

It is impossible to do math, science, or think about anything during a time period of high hydrostatic pressure. One of my classroom rules is that girls always may go to the little girls room. Guys most often get to go to their own room. No good can come of just waiting for the passing period.

[Angela]

This may not be my most embarrassing moment, but it's the first one that comes to my mind. When I was in the second grade, for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to pour Elmer's glue all over a little boy's notebook. I guess I wanted to know how it would dry maybe? I did this after school when no one was in the classroom. Unfortunately, my mom happened to be one of the second grade teachers and found out, and I literally had no explanation for myself. I'm pretty sure I had to use my allowance to buy him a new notebook and apologize.

[Sambo V.]

Oh this story gets me every time-the good old I peed my pants in 4th grade horror! I applaud you sharing this with the world sister! ;) I won't give you my most embarassing momemt, but my nick name in 5th grade was the bald eagle because a mean little boy at the time said I had a really big forehead. The sad part is, I really do think my forehead was big, and then I grew into it! ;) At least I hope I did. What do you think??