Romantic Comedy My Ass

A few weeks ago, Luke and I rented The Break-Up. And to my surprise, it was actually about a break-up. Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn played a couple who'd been together for a couple of years, bought a townhouse, and communicated so badly they were ready to call it quits.

The movie sat with me for a couple of days in an uncomfortable sort of way, like I'd just removed my glass from the adjoining wall of my neighbor's bedroom, listening to intimate conversations not meant for a stranger's ear drums. I've always been bothered by couples who argue in public, because those arguments are just that--intimate. They provoke frustrations and anger, assign hurt and blame, raise every doubt you've ever had to the surface. It's a miracle anyone ever makes it to the altar.

Luke and I are married six months today, and I think a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. Who could blame me? Not a day goes by that somebody isn't breaking up, in Hollywood, at work, even in my own circle of friends. Each pairing starts out in faith, with hope, in love, and yet they allow one of those emotions to die in its sleep.

I think a lot of it is due to laziness, simply because it's so easy to be selfish. I've exnayed walks in the park to catch up on soap operas; frowned upon one of Luke's video game purchases after spending a hundred dollars on new clothes; ditched Victoria's Secret lingerie for the comfortable fabric of an oversized tee shirt. I'll let the entire evening pass in a quiet stew, answer "Nothing" when he asks what's wrong, only to unveil my anger at the exact moment he wants to turn off the lights for bed. I'm often guilty of neglecting and disrespecting the very union I swore to God in front of family and friends I'd put above everything else.

But God understands I'm not perfect, and so does Luke. He sees past my shortcomings in the same way I overlook his (most of the time--I'm still not a fan of the water puddles that form around the bathroom sink after he washes his face). In this first year of marriage, I believe we're learning how to see the forest for the trees, realizing no matter how bad a situation might seem in the moment, it'll only count for a small part of our life together, and each bad spot has to be approached with the confidence that it's going to get better. No more peeking over the fence for greener pastures, no more entertaining the "what ifs." On our wedding day, we promised not to give up on each other, and that means having the guts to answer tough questions, to rise above the monotony of the day-to-day, to cop to all of your hang-ups and admit you can't always be right. I'm sure many people who get married are incompatible from the very beginning but are too proud to admit it until later, while others could've made it but were too intimidated by all the work they'd have to do to fix their problems.

In The Break-Up, I'm not sure what kind of couple Gary and Brooke were, but I know it broke my heart to watch them fight, because their issues were so real, because they never took a step back to examine the big picture. What was probably a good thing ultimately failed because they were each too concerned with proving their point. Which they did.

But at a pretty steep price.

Comments

[debi]

Okay first off Frema, 11:57? Whoa, cutting it close there girl. I have been on the edge of my seat for the last few hours waiting to see if you were gonna make it. Whew. This is a great great post. I have been sitting here going thru all my music to see if I could find enough "cheesy" tunes so I could join the cheese fest. I thought I should play some just to be sure. As I am listening to Phil Collins sing "Against All Odds" I check to see if you posted and you had. It was the perfect song to read that by if you want to cry. When you wrote "and if they allow one of these emotions to die in its sleep" I had to stop. Pretty heavy stuff tonight and I love it.

[Luke]

And a whole three minutes to spare.

[Erika]

That movie effected me too...it was so REAL and heavy. Not funny at all really. We were suprised at how it was marketed!

[Marriage-101]

My husband and I have been married for almost six months as well and I couldn't agree with you more on these points.

I've seen entirely too many relationships and marriages come crashing down as a result of laziness or "peeking over the fence". A happy marriage takes work, and effort. I hope both of you always make the effort.

By the way, you guys are working out together right? We are too, and for some reason, I feel that working out together has created yet another bond, another point of compatability we share.

[Audrey]

I wrote a whole long ranty post (http://www.sangrialover.com/?p=273) about that movie when I saw it in theatres. It didn't sit well with me either, but for different (more shallow) reasons. I definitely see where you're coming from, though, and couldn't agree more.

Also, I hate the post-face-wash puddles around the sink (I don't make that big of a mess when I wash my face -- what is he doing differently?) almost as much as i hate the freshly-shaved beard hair all over the counter. But, you know the old saying, the things we do for love, right? Totally worth it in the long run.

[Angela]

I'm one of the few people I know who really loved that movie. There were definitely funny parts, but as a whole I definitely felt that it was a drama of some sort. I'd recently been through a big breakup not too long before seeing it, so it gave me a lot to think about over the next few months and I still find myself thinking about some of the lines from it.

And the ending absolutely did me in.

[Frema]

Angela - I actually liked the movie a lot, despite its flaws. It just got me to thinking about relationships that exist outside of the small screen.

[Kelley]

We've only been married a year, but we've been together for almost six years, and over that time we've really learned the value of just plain old being polite. The little things, like "please" and "thank you" and resiting the urge to snap or take things for granted is so important. It's all in the daily details - the occasional grand, sweeping gesture won't make a marriage work.

Now, more importantly: do we think Jen and Vince are on the outs IRL? Because they always seemed kind of mis-matched to me...

[Lost A Sock]

Happy six months!

What a thoughtful entry. You hit the nail on the head in a big, big way when you talked about no matter how bad something seems in the moment, that it's only a small part of your life together. That really puts things in perspective.

I would like to think Gary and Brooke magically got back together, just because I hate when movies don't wrap up perfectly.

[Stacey]

Wow. That was a really great post.

And I also like to think that they ended up working things out...the ending really disturbed me.

[Art Nerd Lauren]

You're not the first person who has seen that movie and left feeling a bit unsettled. This was a pretty thoughful post on what I initially thought would be a fluffy movie. Personally, I thought it seemed stressful from the commercials, not least of all because I'm not too fond of Jennifer Aniston. Bleh.

Congratulations on 6 months! It's almost the big 2.5 for Kev and me, go us young married types!

[takin chances]

You articulated what I thought about that movie so well. I left with a lump in my throat. I'm not in a relationship, but it brought up all the emotions I felt when I was.

Congrats on your six-month-iversary!

[Lindsey]

I really want to see this movie. You've inspired me to rent it, possibly this weekend.

[J]

We rented that movie a few weeks ago. I have to say, I really didn't enjoy it. I wanted something to happen that was funny, and there wasn't one funny scene in the whole thing. I did think it was more honest for them to stay broken up, though I WANTED them to get back together.

With the divorce rate in our country hovering at around 50%, every time I hear of a divorce, I figure that statistically, my DH and I have a better chance of making it. ;) We've been together almost 19 years, married for 13. Yes, I'm old.

[Number Twelve]

I am totally with you on this movie, Frema. I was left feeling uneasy and sad for the couple even though I think the point of the movie was that they bothed learned from the ordeal. I think. Great post! :-)

[Silly Hily]

That was one of your best posts my dear. You are so right on and I wish more people thought like you. The divorce rate might not be as high as it is.

[Sambo V.]

I have really been interested in renting this movie and now I think I'll just got out and finally do it. I hate it when people don't try to talk and resolve their differences. Sometimes people hear, but don't listen to others words. It's really sad and that's how/why many relationships slowly crumble over time. One of the things I am so thankful for is the great communication Dan and I have in expressing our feelings and emotional concerns/hopes.