Say A Little Prayer For Luke, Because He's Subjected to My Nonsensical Ramblings Every Single Day

Only thirty days into 2007 and already I can cross one of my New Year's resolutions off the list.

Luke and I, we'll not be paying off the car.

All this time I've been focused on eliminating the three-hundred-and-thirty-dollar monthly Cobalt payment from our vast array of bills, convinced that doing so would put us in a better position to buy a house. Financial advisors often encourage buyers to whittle down their consumer debt before applying for a mortgage, and if we could just "make do" in our one-bedroom apartment until next summer, the two of us could not only own our car outright, we'd also accumulate about ten percent for a down payment on a modest starter home. If we extended our lease to September 2008, maybe fifteen. As far as the whole baby thing (BAAAYBEEES), well, if the good Lord blessed us with one before we dug our heels into the confusing world of real estate, we vowed to make it work until our lease was up because it'd only be for a few months and Leigh wouldn't notice how cramped we were until she was ready to walk, but we wouldn't be in the apartment long enough for her to start walking because Hello! Our plan was to be in a house by then. So no worries.

(This "new" plan has, in reality, been in place since we got married, and yet I'm still inspired to rehash it once every three weeks or so, punching various numbers into my calculator and pestering Luke for his thoughts on what we can do save more more money, stressing how important it will be for us to choose a home that can be maintained on his income because that's what will enable me to stay at home with Leigh (or Lucy. Or Jillian. Or Nathan, because legend has it some women give birth to boys). And because Luke is used to my love for Rehashing Important Issues We've Already Covered In Excruciating Detail, he slips into his Devil's Advocate gear and reminds me of our salary differences and how difficult it might be to make ends meet with me out of the work force, all the while supporting our common goal to care for a child without forking over wads of dough to a daycare facility. Apparently we save all our fancy dance moves for the choreography of thought-provoking conversation.)

In order to get ready for the upcoming buying frenzy, we find ourselves drawn to the bookstore every few days, perusing the shelves for advice on how to select a home and how to pay for it without defaulting on my student loans. And every few days, we walk away empty-handed because I remember we still have my sister-in-law's copy of Home Buying for Dummies and Suze Orman's Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke, both of which have a wealth of practical information, and also because spending money on financial-planning books may not be the most sound financial plan. Anyway, while reflecting on some of Suze's gems, I recalled a scenario she described in which a young woman had several thousand dollars worth of credit card debt at an interest rate of twelve percent and a savings account that yielded an annual return of point-three percent at best. Why, Suze asked, why oh why was this girl socking away money at such a low rate when she could be using it to pay off the high-interest cards? "Use your head, girlfriend!" she said, wagging a literal finger as demonstrated by her flagrant use of exclamatory sentences.

And that's when it hit me: I was that young woman.

I don't know if I've ever shared this with you people before, but I have very good credit. When I bought the Cobalt in 2005, I scored a two-percent interest rate. Two percent! Over the life of my loan, I'll have shelled out fewer than four hundred dollars in interest to GMAC. Another tidbit you may not be aware of: the interest rate on mortgages? They are not two percent at all. In fact, they are the opposite of two percent, which is Frema-speak for triple. What the hell am I thinking, rushing to pay off a car three years early in order to save a few hundred smackers when we could be funneling that money towards a house, the cost of which will most likely pay for a bachelor's degree at a private college? Also, where did I get the lame-brained idea that we'd have any money to save once a baby enters the picture, especially since we plan to live on one income? My thought process was so faulty you'd swear I spent my free time drinking gasoline and then inhaling the fumes leaking from my ass.

Our new, "foulproof" plan: use our savings to get into a house sometime this year. Our lease ends in June, but if we need to, we can extend it for another three or even six months to make sure we're really ready. Once we're in the house, we can start saving to pay off the car. This plan allows us to properly situate ourselves as homeowners before the introduction of any offspring (BAAAYBEEES) into our family, which we both like. Not that there's anything wrong with apartment living. We love our little unit and have everything we need, but we'd have to make some major changes to accommodate the cohabitation of another person, even if that person's activity level will be limited to producing smelly bowel movements and sucking on my boob (God willing).

Now that we've got the financial logistics straightend out, we can devote our time and energy into my new favorite topic: Who Gets To Stay Home With The BAAAYBEEES?

It's no secret to the Internet that I want to stay home with my children, at least until they're in school. And even then, the idea of being That Mom, the mom who bakes cupcakes for snack time and volunteers for field trips and has dinner sitting on the table at five-thirty every night, stamps a smile on my heart, so I guess I just want to stay home. I have career aspirations, too, but I'm more than willing to put them on hold while Luke and I are in the early stages of building our family.

However, it's also no secret that by some divine twist of fate, I currently make more money than Luke, so much so that if our roles were reversed--that is, if I had Luke's job and he had mine--the question of whether or not we could afford to keep me at home wouldn't be an issue. We'd do without cable for another few years, and our dinners out would be reduced to an occasional extra-crispy chicken bucket from KFC, but it'd be managable.

In previous discussions regarding our previous plan, I would sometimes casually suggest that Luke consider being the at-home parent, and we'd both laugh, and he'd reply that he wasn't sure how he'd feel about taking a break from the traditional nine-to-five work force, and I'd breathe a sigh of relief because that meant it was OK to resign ourselves to a life of (temporary) poverty. If Luke didn't want to be a stay-at-home dad, I would never make him. But I still didn't want to pay for daycare.

That was all before this past Sunday, when Luke and I were out for breakfast and we let our collective gaze wander over to the table across from us, where a blond-haired, blue-eyed little boy who couldn't have been more than eight months old was blowing raspberries with Gerber's latest fruit-and-meat concoction, and Luke said, "Maybe I could be a stay-at-home dad after all. It would make better financial sense."

At that point, my head started to shake and my eyes bulged out of their sockets, but not before they reduced Luke to a pile of ashes with the deadliest, most evil If Looks Could Kill staredown in the history of the universe.

After I stopped banging my head into the restaurant's coat rack in an effort to permanently erase his comment from my memory, I let myself process the information so we could give the matter some serious thought. When I think about having to redefine the image I've made for myself as a mother, I want to grab Luke by the collar and plead with him to work two jobs so I can bring that picture to life. But when I think about what's truly important to me--the ability to enable our children's parents to serve as their primary caregivers--and I realize that THAT dream can still come true, I start breathing again well enough to remember this family is not all about me. And Luke is going to be such a wonderful father. Our children would be truly blessed to be able to spend so much time with him.

Right now, it's too soon to make any definite decisions. Individually we'll keep doing our thing, career-wise, and revisit the issue once we have a baby to stay home with and I get a chance to see how I hold up after a three-month maternity leave.

Yesterday in a Google chat with Molly, I joked that I've gone from being a Catholic singleton with SAHM potential to a Protestant working mom. It's a good thing Luke can cook or this whole "challenging myself to be a more open-minded person" thing would be such a waste of time.

Comments

[Brooke]

Sometimes you do things that you don't want to do but you have too. If we were able to choose what we wanted to do here, Matt would be the stay at home parent and I would be the one working but it just wouldn't work.

[Lindsey]

I think it's really hard to make choices when you have a set ideal in your mind...an ideal that you probably have had since childhood. You know, the way it is "supposed to be" and "how could it not be! this is how I always dreamed it would be." And then you are with this other person and he has his ways of thinking and then geez, throw life in the mix and you've got yourself some real dilemmas. Yep, I rehash on a weekly to bi-weekly basis as well.

[Liz]

"My thought process was so faulty you'd swear I spent my free time drinking gasoline and then inhaling the fumes leaking from my ass."

LMAO!

You guys will figure it out. Nothing puts things in perspective quite like the actual event you've been anticipating.

[Luke]

And if I were reduced to a pile of ashes, there'd be no babies anyway. Or anyone to cook dinner.

[Molly]

BAAAAYBEEEEEES! Just keep saying that cause it cracks me up.

Very early on in this entry I thought for a quick moment that you were about to announce a little surprise bundle of joy. Then I was hit with the Surely-Not's, where I was pretty sure I would not be hearing your good news on the internet. I want you to have BAAAAAAYBEEEEEEEEES that bad too.

And then, well, you calmed my thumping heart with talk of houses and cars and SAHPing (you guys are SAHPs! hahaha)

Your description of Saturday morning's breakfast was perfect. And pretty doggone funny, also.

[Molly]

Luke, your urn would sit sweetly on the counter next to the stove, I'm sure. She'd be the most spinachy girl we ever knew.

[Um Ibrahim]

I am in the situation you are imagining and not by choice. I waited until I thought I had everything I needed to comfortably have a child. And then when my child was 6 mos old, my husband got into a horrible car accident. Now I had a child in a stroller and a husband in a wheel chair. So much for my hopes of being a stay at home mom. Thank God, that in this great country of ours women have the opportunity to make a living. My husband reluctantly took on the role of the stay at home dad. This allowed me the opportunity to prusue business oportunities without the guilt that my child was being raised by a baby sitter or being neglected. There is a saying in the Quran, Sometimes you might like something and it turns out to be bad for you. and sometimes you might not like something and it turns out to be good for you. Allah knows what we know not.

[Katie]

Good luck figuring things out :) Just make sure that you are both on the same page before the babies come. My husband and I are on the same page in theory, but in reality, at one point he was the SAHD and I was working, and now we are both working, and there are some serious resentment issues. I know I just need to get over it, but it's really hard. And then again, like the previous commenter pointed out, even if you do have it figured out, life can change everything in an instant anyway ;-)

[Rachel]

Good luck figuring things out with that! I wish that I could be a SAHM and take care of my one year old all day and go to my six year old's class parties at school, but, being a single mom, I just cannot do it. Even back a couple of months ago when my husband and I were still living together, it just was not an option. I hope that you and Luke and come to a decision that will work for both of you.

[Brittany]

Here's a little tid bit about motherhood that no one told me (so I will tell you so you're not surprised)...

Babies cry while you blog.

It was quite a shocker. I thought he'd be perfectly content listening to the tapping of the keyboard, but nooooooo. He's crying in my lap as we speak.

That's my cue to end my comment and be a good mother (i.e. stop neglecting my son so I can communictae with the outside world).

[Erika]

We are in the same position, in that I make more than Jonathan. Not that J makes so little it isn't even on the radar, but to the point that it would be STOOPID for me to stop working unless we moved to the middle of nowhere that was much cheaper.

We joke all the time that when we have a second child, the cost of day care will be too much (not more than he makes, but more than we could stand to part with) and that he will have to stay home (he's home all summer anyway, now). He says he'd like to but I think he forgets that it's not like he could lie around and watch Netflix all ay.

Anyway, my point is that "cruel twist of fate" is always how I look at it...I have a ton of male co-workers whose wives were teachers, and as soon as they GOT PREGNANT (not even having to wait for the baby to be born), they quit working. I, too, have a teacher for a spouse and it seems so...backwards.

[Silly Hily]

I wish I made more than Tony. I wish! Because he would be such a good SAHD. He's great with the kids and can cook a hell of a lot better than me. But, he makes more and I carry the insurance. Same old story, just another day. We both have to work. I keep waiting for something to happen to allow me to stay home but so far, nothing. Just a few teasers here and there.
And Molly totally beat me to it..BAAAAAYYYBEEEEES). I can smell your baby fever a thousand miles away (literally). I can't WAIT for THAT post. I can't wait for pregnancy posts from you. And I can't wait to totally cry over your delivery post. Because I know it will be that good.
And I'm glad you figured out that paying off the car wouldn't be that great of a thing. We figured out the same thing just a couple of weeks ago. We have a 2.9% rate on both cars and have 2 years to pay them both off. At this point, it would be so stupid to use extra money to pay them off. So, we'll just keep making that payment and keep building that savings so we can do....I don't know what with.
And yeah, boys? Little boys?
Soooo, when are we house hunting? Because Molly totally let us help her decide where to live.

[TasterSpoon]

You are inspiringly practical-minded. For me even marriage right now is just a hazy little mirage, but I still get overwhelmed by the same questions.

My main squeeze makes half what I do and would make an incredible parent - loves kids, is loved by kids, is sensitive and responsible in every wonderful way. As for me, I love my work and want to really excel in my career; I like kids all right but get frustrated by details around the house. Is the solution not obvious? He should be the stay at home parent.

And yet? I know I'd be up to my eyeballs in resentment.

I'm praying that some kind of part-time for both of us presents itself by the time it becomes an issue.

[Katie]

I forgot to mention something about the finances. I really like Dave Ramsey for motivation. You will not find anything new or earth-shattering in his books or DVDs. But I feel that they are quite motivating. But maybe not, since I really haven't implemented any of the principles yet, and I've had ample time to do so. Also, I agree that buying financial books isn't the wisest use of finances. Someone else bought the Dave Ramsey stuff for me :-)

[Amanda]

You sound pretty level-headed about all of this. Also - just FYI - if you have less than six months of car payments left on a loan, they don't factor it into your debt-to-income ratio for the purposes of loan-qualifying.