Greedy or Not Greedy? (See Also: Could've-Been-Worse Wednesday, But We'll Get to That)

Last week I mentioned several topics I've been meaning to address in upcoming entries, and seeing as tonight I experienced a series of conniptions over a social worker's rejection of almost two hundred thousand dollars, this is the perfect time to discuss Deal Or No Deal, only the best game show to hit television since Ray Combs hosted the Family Feud.

Besides the charming, gloriously bald essence that is Howie Mandel, one of the reasons I'm so enraptured with DOND is that at any given moment, the life of an average Joe (or Josephine) can change forever--if you know how far to push your luck. You're delighted for the middle-class construction worker who can open up his own restaurant, for the Italian retiree who can finally pay off his home and arrange for quality medical care.

(Unless you're the twenty-year-old college student who settled out of the game for a pink Escalade, a vehicle whose value will depreciate faster than you can release your own urine, in which case you deserve every high-interest loan this world has to offer, you stupid, foolish twit.)

Whether the amount is ten thousand or one million, that money is a gift that holds the power to relieve burdens and rectify situations that otherwise might've taken decades to resolve. And of course, it doesn't escape your attention that, one day, that contestant could be you.

Every time Howie relays the banker's latest offer, I think about what I would do with that money, understanding that my priorities will change according to the rise and fall of the numbers. If it's twenty thousand dollars, I'd pay off the Cobalt and set aside the remaining dough for a down payment on a house, which when combined with Luke's and my savings would total that magical twenty percent. With fifty thousand, I'd spend ten on the house, ten on the car, and pay off my private Sallie Mae loan, whose monthly payment fluctuates every quarter and will soon be equal to the price of our new digital camera. With a grand, I'd put it towards the Visa and thank the Lord we didn't have to pull from savings to foot the bill. I don't even entertain the million because seriously, people, nobody on this show has ever gotten the million. You have a better chance of marrying your second cousin than you do winning a million dollars, which is exactly why I don't understand the contestants who turn down offer after offer after offer because they're confident the million is in their case. They're on a mission. They "deserve" this money, and they're going to get it.

Except when they don't. Emika, tonight's audience pick, was a social worker with a small son who admitted her salary was fewer than 50K a year. In the first round she knocked out five amounts smaller than fifteen hundred dollars, thus increasing her chances of toting a significant wad of Benjamins in her case, so she passed on twelve months worth of income. She did it again at sixty-one thousand, and sixty-eight thousand, and again at eighty-four thousand, and once more just for the hell of it at ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. Approximately four times her pay. The cost of one middle-class house. A mind-blowing retirement account that could reap immeasurable benefits via compounding interest. Paid tuition for her son to the best schools this country has to offer. But she said no. And why? Because a two-million dollar figure taunted her from its place on the tally board. Because her mother grabbed her by the shoulders and urged her to open one more case, even though the next highest amount plummeted to fifty thousand bucks. Because even though Emika was visibly sobbing over the thought of saying "No deal" to such a life-changing amount of money, according to her, "I came here to win."

So she opened one more case--the two-million-dollar case--and minutes later received an offer of seventy-five hundred dollars, barely the cost of a used car.

Oh, was I mad, because I so badly wanted this woman to win her some money. I wanted to see her cry tears of joy when she realized she would never lack for anything again, that this money provided a platform on which to build new opportunities, a new life that didn't involve debating over generic versus name-brand products at the grocery store or fretting over how to finance her son's continuing education or even her own. But no. A hundred and seventy thousand dollars is a miracle, but not miracle enough. Thanks anyway, Jesus!

Lucky for her she still made a good deal, eventually accepting 15K before learning her own case contained just two pennies. It could've been worse; last month, some pervy dude from Alabama turned down two hundred and fifteen thousand dollars only to walk away with a fin. Here, buddy; enjoy this White Castle sack with NBC's compliments.

This may sound incredibly naive, but I would never want to win a million dollars, mainly because it'd create more problems than I'm equipped to handle. When you have that much money at your disposal, how in the world do you spend it? Which charities do you support? Which requests do you honor? Should every single relative on both sides of the family get a small cut, even if they already make a comfortable living, or do you reserve it for the ones in danger of having their heat turned off? Will Grandma Ethel bitch about her five thousand because she knows it could've been fifty? Will any amount you offer ever be enough?

I once read in a magazine that it makes Howie physically ill to see so many people casually dismiss six-figure amounts in search of the elusive mill. Well, Howie, if I ever make it to the show, I won't even think about the damn million. If I could get the Sallie Mae monkeys off my back, I'll call it a day and let you touch my breasts and then invite you to live with Luke and me in our new villa in France. As a strictly platonic token of my gratitude, of course. As long as you stay bald.

Not that he's on my top five or anything, or that I even have a top five.

(However, in case you follow the link, know that my last (hypothetical) spot is currently being filled by John Krasinski of Office fame. We could be Frim!)

In other news, thank you all so much for your supportive comments regarding my upcoming leap into academia. So far, it looks like I'll be teaching for two and a half hours on Thursday nights from late August to mid December, with one week off for Thanksgiving. In the meantime, I spend the majority of my waking hours devising the class syllabus and determining my overall goal for the course, which so far is to compare and contrast current blogging styles to personal memoirs and essays and give students a taste of the current blogging culture. I also want to demonstrate the practical application of blogs in fields like marketing and business and their ability to generate income through ads, merchandising, and paid writing gigs. I already know I'll require students to maintain their own blogs and explore non-literary features that can enhance the blogging experience and their place in the blogging community--photography, videos, podcasts, widgets, etc. This means I'll be doing a lot of research and mucho head-banging against my computer monitor because I'll be damned if I even know what a widget is. But that's what books are for.

I'll be especially eager to pick your collective Internet brain. Who are your favorite personal essayists? Favorite bloggers? What attracts you to someone's site? What can turn you away? Be on the look-out for future posts on all of these topics and more as I attempt to tackle blogging in a way that validates its credibility and elevates it to a more sophisticated level. (In your face, MySpace!)

Finally, lest it think it's been overshadowed by a hottie game-show host or trendy online phenomenon, it's Weight Loss Wednesday. (At least it was two hours ago when I started this entry. Whoops.)

LAST WEEK'S WEIGHT: 135.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 137
POUNDS TO GOAL WEIGHT: 12

Normally I'd be more upset over my set-your-watch-by-it lack of progress, but I received a couple of esteem-boosting compliments from Saint Joe friends over the weekend and Luke complimented my knack for filling out Banana Republic turtlenecks, so I'm gonna take the numbers for what they're worth and appreciate that my husband thinks I'm hot. Whatever helps you sleep at night, you know?

Comments

[Silly Hily]

$170,000! She stood there, her hands were shaking, she wanted to say DEAL! She did. I know it. But her Mama told her ONE MORE CASE (famous last words). I wonder how her Mama feels now? Oh, I could have cried with that girl. I think I screamed at the TV when that model opened the $2 million case. You said it all, and you said it all right. We could have totally had a phone conversation last night while watching this show.

[Silly Hily]

But wait, I have more.
You should TOTALLY try out for DOND! You should! Send them an application Frema! Do it! You are young, newly married, and are wanting to start a family, buy a house, pay off some bills...DUDE, they would totally pick you. Plus, you LOVE Howie! You could go overly crazy for him and jump up and down and hug him and watch him get freaked out b/c he's a no touchy kind of guy. In your application tell them that Howie is in your Top 5 (they'll know what you're talking about, everyone knows what a Top 5 is).
You HAVE to try out!!!!! Please!!!! And when you get to the show, you better give me a shout out for giving you this idea! And then whore out your blog to the nation and OMG!

[Silly Hily]

Hey, you gave me the green light to comment as often as I wanted. Right?
Last one.
You know all my favorite bloggers because you read them, too.
The end.

[Silly Hily]

I was kidding. I remembered thinking about you last night while watching DOND but couldn't remember why which made me think maybe I dreamed about it but I dreamed about Jazzercise. Clearly, I was confused. However, I just read a comment over at Molly's blog from her sister and it said something about "your mom" and the light finally went off in my head.
I thought about you last night when the banker said something about Emika's mom and she was all, "Don't talk about my Mama." I started laughing and gave a little "YOUR MOM" shout out, just for you.

[Stacey]

Well, I'm not sure what was more entertaining here, your writing or Silly Hily's prolific commenting. Hee hee!

I am with her...go on the show!!!! Good post.

And also, not that you've really asked yet, but here are some things that turn me OFF from a blog: Multiple typos / misspellings, no breaks between paragraphs. I know that makes me a petty blog snob, but if I can't read it easily, it makes me less likely to get into the writing.

[David McNelis]

I think my favorite blog to read (which is actually tied with yours) is John Scalzi's site, Whatever. He's a sci-fi writer that has a VERY engaging style and blogging has truly helped his professional success. I like his site because everything is personal, even national debate topis have a personal feel. He also blogs about his family, work, ect. He's fun to read.

The other site I visit multiple times a day is Instapundit by Glenn Reynolds. He's kind of like a one-man political Slashdot.com. He tends to post links to very in-depth articles while not posting them (himself) to that particular blog. He's also been INCREDIBLY successful, and probably makes more than me in a year on his ad revenue on his site, where a single ad can cost as much as 4k/week.

[Brittany]

I love that you love Howie and his bald head. Love it, love it, love it!

[VirginiaGal]

I thought you would never ask.... :)

Good formatting things about blogs: quick loading (even with highspeed some pic's can take longer than my ADD brain wants to wait); easy to read font type and color against the background (HATE black background with any color font); clarity in reaching recent posts, archives, personal information, and that type of info. I don't really get into the whole searching posts by category thing, but that's me.

Contentwise, I get tired of multiple posts linking to something else without any sort of relevant commentary. "Look at this, how awesome" does not count as blogging to me. I am mostly drawn to humor and honest writing. Even if I don't agree with the opinion/beliefs of a blogger I will often read a few posts if they are written with clarity and without hyperbole (loved William Raspberry's newspaper columns because he was excellent at breaking things down to the basics, but I didn't always agree with his opinion). How are opinion columnists in newspapers different than blogs? Could be something to look into along with memiors/essays (unless you consider that to fall under essays).

BTW, I can't wait for the drama of tomorrows TLF!

[jenabeeb]

My goodness Silly Hily commented a bunch here!!

Few short comments:
1) Howie wouldn't touch you, I don't think, because he is a germ-a-phobe.
2) That is awesome that Jim has made it into your Top 5. He is my number 1!
3) I don't think I ever got to comment on your teaching post. THAT IS SO GREAT! You are going to do a marvelous job and I'm proud of you. I wish I lived closer to take the class!

[Molly]

Silly Hily, you and your four comments are sooo obvious here - you're making a move on Frema's future DOND winnings, when she gets them. Forget it. I'll spend the afternoon commenting to get my grubby mits on Frema's dough.

Hi Frema sweetie! Love you! Remember when I brought you home three-hour old breadsticks from my Pizza Hut gig in college? They were gooood, weren't they? Don't forget me when you win!

Ok. Better.

I still can't believe Howie Mandel is in your top five. And poor Emika. What a sad story.

I can't wait to hear more about your SJC adventures. I should totally take your class. (Like, if I won money on DOND.)

[Luke]

Normally, I am all for equal partners in marriage with neither telling the other what to do, but there are some instances that a man has to put his foot down.

No, Howie may not touch you nor may he live with us. No matter how much money you win or his placement on your supposedly-nonexistent top 5.

[daddy d]

Nice thinking on amounts of money. To make a million at the rate of 50,000 a year, it takes 20 years. A total working career will be about twice that or 40 years or so. Hence,two million is over a life time of work. And that is more like gross income in most cases of the best life story line.

Still, if the Lotto hits for me, I am going to live out the challenge of doing the right things with that money and the power it would bring. But real changes can be made with just good old work and not so much cash.

Luke is right.

[Lindsey]

1. I'm with Hilary, you should totally try out for DOND! I've never met anyone who loves Howie so much. He is hot, but not in my top five. I don't watch that show too much because it irritates me for the reasons you have so nicely summarized.

2. If you want me to list what attracts me to certain blogs, I am more than willing to do so. Actually, I'll help you with whatever you need help with for your class! Just let me know.

3. You ARE hot!

[Isabel]

Great post, as always Frema. I love how you put your thoughts about DONO down on *paper*. I can't watch the show because it makes me sick also. Too stressful!

I read "widget" and was like "what in the poop is that?" Glad you don't know either. Phew.

Anyway, thanks and I'm looking forward to learning more about blogging along with your students!