A Blush-Inducing Public Service Announcement

The memory of losing my virginity is one that will never lose color. I was eighteen years old and on the verge of jetting off to college, and Nick and I had been dating for three years--not straight through, but steady enough that each break-up led to a passionate reunion, and every reunion foreshadowed an angry shouting match complete with name calling, door slamming, and hot tears running down one or both of our faces. You know, all the elements of a deliciously amateur teenage romance.

In the summer of 1998, we'd been together consistently since prom (another post in the making), and from that night, I remember everything. The positioning of his lava lamp; our spot on the bed; the CD set to repeat on his stereo. I was convinced that melting into each other, in body and soul would seal our commitment to each other and provide Nick with the life-changing revelation that after sharing such an intimate experience with me, he'd never be interested in anyone else.

In the midst of clumsily trying to find our way around the bedroom, we both had sense enough to use a condom, and continued to do so for the first two months of our sexual relationship, but by the time we finally (unknowingly) severed all emotional ties two years later, the only layer of protection in place was my spotty use of the Pill. What can I say? We were both virgins when we started, and I never once thought Nick had been unfaithful. The only thing I cared about was not having a baby.

One month into my relationship with Mike, who was lucky enough to date Trophy Frema for ten months, I still believed that to be true. However, thanks to all the literature passed around in high school health class, I knew the most responsible course of action when taking on a new partner was to undergo testing for sexually transmitted diseases. At twenty-six years old, almost twenty-seven, Mike had been with twelve women, and it strengthened my resolve all the more.

That's another day I'll never forget, driving the two hours with him to a congested Illinois suburb to receive services at a free clinic sporting stark, white walls and rows of plastic chairs littered with outdated issues of the Chicago Sun-Times. We waited another hour and a half to be seen, and during that time we sat silently because, really, is any sort of small talk appropriate when you're waiting to find out if any previous sexcapades ruined your fertility or planted warts on your privates?

Once our names were called, each of us was whisked away to separate examining rooms, and I solemnly spread my legs as a doctor who couldn't pronounce my name performed a pap smear conducted a culture under harsh florescent lights. When it was over, the nurse who assisted him gave me a brown paper bag filled with female condoms, assuring me that "your guy will thank you for these, honey, I promise." After I donned my clothes, I found Mike already waiting for me in the lobby. "How did it go?" I asked.

He was pretty quiet until we were almost to the stairway, where he stopped, placed his hands on my shoulders, and said, "I love you, but I didn't go through with it." Something about them wanting to stick a Q-Tip through his you know and him vehemently denying access. We argued about it all the way to the car, but ultimately he won, because he said he wore a condom with his last girlfriend, and he'd been tested a few times before, and he was positive he didn't have gonorrhea, and that was that. And even though I knew he'd been with four women in the last twelve months because the forms had a spot for listing your number of sexual partners and he commented on 2000 being a pretty good year, I didn't push the issue. Adding to the madness was the fact that I was still on birth control, but we never used a condom. Not even the female ones endorsed by my overly enthusiastic free-clinic nurse. I was in love, and I trusted him. For almost a year I trusted him, until we broke up, and Luke and I started dating, and soon we were asking questions about the other's sexual history. We brought up the idea of STD testing but never took it any further.

Until this year.

While reading through my Kerflop-approved copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health, I discovered a whole chapter dedicated to the correlation between STDs and infertility, and by the end I couldn't believe how reckless I'd been to kabosh testing after Mike and I parted ways. Suddenly all of my former hesitations--Where will I find another free clinic? What if the doctor calls me a slut? What if Luke thinks I don't trust him?--paled in comparison to the possibility of passing something harmful along to our future baby.

So today, after conducting my second ob/gyn interview in two weeks, I explained my concerns to the doctor, and she didn't grimace in disgust or tsk tsk at my careless behavior. Instead, she arranged for me to meet with the phlebotomist and have my blood drawn to test for HIV, hepatitis, and syphilis. I'll see her again in six weeks for a culture, where she'll gather samples to test for gonorrhea and chlamydia.

Do I think I have a sexually transmitted disease? No. Do I think Nick or Mike ever cheated on me? No. Do I think Luke contracted anything from his previous partner? No. Am I experiencing any out-of-the-ordinary symptoms? No.

But do I know for sure?

No.

And my budding family deserves better.

Edited to add: Upon further consideration, I don't think the exam I received at the free clinic was a pap smear, since they aren't able to check for STDs that way and the doctor knew that was my sole reason for coming in. Culture, the term my new ob/gyn used, is the correct term.

Comments

[Happy Working Mom]

Good for you! Trust me, it's amazing the things you start doing once your children are involved! And I heard that book is good...I never read it, but I knew lots of women that did and said they loved it!

[Erika]

I second the "good for you"! It's always nice to know isn't it?? After 2 years of marriage and 6 years with the same guy, I hadn't given this much thought until the nurse mentioned STD testing at my first prenatal appointment (which I think is standard...at least I hope anyway). It was still jarring, as it was for you when you read the book..."how could I have not given this any thought?"

[PaintingChef]

I did it too. And nothing is a stranger feeling that sitting in the doctor's office as a married woman asking for these tests. Until they assure you that its completely normal and, in fact, a very responsible thing to do. So good for you!

[Molly]

Wow, Bree. Kudos to you! Maybe you've found your right doctor, also?

[Frema]

Erika: My doctor did say that all those tests would be performed at my first prenatal visit, but I didn't want to wait. On the off-chance that I do have something, I'd like to take care of it before we bring a baby into the mix.

P'Chef: NO JOKE. I was so afraid the medical staff would assume I thought my husband was cheating on me or something. So embarrassing.

[Silly Hily aka The Hilarazzi]

OBGYN's and their medical staff I'm sure see this all the time. It's simply a woman realizing that there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. It's simply being smart. SMART GIRL! And also...bayyybeeeee!

[VirginiaGal]

Thank you for reminding me to put on my "big girl panties" and be adult about stuff that is, yes, blush and nervous sweat inducing.

But for a baby....worth it!

[Isabel]

This is such a great post. As always.

It's crazy how much I wish Older Isabel could have told Younger Isabel. So much.

Good for you for taking the right steps!!

(And Mike, hooray for 2000!)

[Liza]

I echo all those "good for yous" too.

You really can't be too careful. 8 or 9 months into a relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry, his ex of 7 years called to tell him that it turned out she got HPV when she cheated on him a year before their final breakup.

Needless to say, we were no longer in the condom required phase of our relationship, and now I had a known exposure to HPV. You know, the charming virus associated with cervical cancer.

So far, no cancer, but I've had enough abnormal pap smears that I don't get to get them annually, I have to go in every 6 months. There are worse fates, but more is not merrier when it comes to pap smears.

[Rachel]

Your health and that of your future children is nothing to be embarassed about. I also think it is great that you were concered enough when you were younger to, if nothing else, at least have a talk about sex and the potential risk with your potential partners. That is great! I wish everyone would do that!

[Lucky]

Wow, kudos to you. I'm impressed that you have put so much thought and planning into this baby thing. Now, we all just have to wait. Dude, I'm getting excited about someone I do NOT know planning a baby!

[Katie]

Frema you are awesome for talking about all this stuff! One reason I don't blog much any more is heaven forbid that anyone know I'm not the perfect little Molly Mormon! I wasn't terrible, just not 100% perfect ;-) I wonder if I should be tested. I was a virgin at marriage, but dh wasn't, though he has been tested before. We've been together for over 6 years and I've never had any kind of symptoms, but I know there are some diseases that can be asymptomatic for years. Are those ones detectable by blood work and cultures? Food for thought.

[Frema]

Katie: Yes, those are EXACTLY the ones I'm talking about. Luke and I have been together exclusively since mid-2001, and here I am, still being tested. I used to reassure myself that getting an annual pap smear was sufficient until I talked to my general practitioner a couple of months ago and he explained what paps can and can't do. You learn something new every day.

[Pink Herring]

I read an article last year right before my annual exam in the well-known medical journal, Glamour, which said that something like 3 out of 4 women will have chlamydia by the time they're 30 and not even know it. I was pretty sure that they tested for that during annual exams, which I go to faithfully every 12 months in order to keep myself in BC pills, but I decided to ask my doctor, just to make sure.

She gave me this "OMG YOU ARE A SLUT!" look and then asked me why I would think that I had an STD. Didn't I say I was in a monogamous relationship? HUH? DIRTY GIRL? Then she gave me a lecture about smoking, and I left.

(I don't smoke, never have).

I also visited Planned Parenthood with The Love Of My High School Life, and they treated me far better than that lady did. Way to go, Frema, for making sure everything's A-OK.

[Fraulein N]

Everybody was young once. Good for you, taking responsibility for your health. I hope I never get one of those doctors who looks at me like I'm some kind of skank.

[Brittany]

This all reminds me of the day Planned Parenthood came to visit my high school. They taught me all about protection. They even taught me that using a rubber glove is better than nothing. Kinda got me thinking.... why would someone have a rubber glove just sitting around?? "Oh crap! I don't have a condom! But it's your lucky day because I have a rubber glove in my back seat!!"

You're so smart to take these precautions.

And so smart to interview OB/GYNs. May I give you some assvice?? I don't know what your preference is, but I know that a lot of OBs won't schedule the first prenatal appointment until your X number of weeks pregnant (they like to wait until they can hear the heartbeat). My doctor allowed me to come in right away, and he did a vaginal ultrasound at 7 weeks, several weeks before the heartbeat was audible. I really appreciated it because that way I knew early on that things were ok. I needed that reassurance. So that's just something to consider... if you haven't already.

And speaking of your name, is it BREE-in or bree-IN?? I just wondered because I have a good friend named BREE-in (spelled Brianne, very confusing), and I thought she had a very unusual name... and then I found you!

[Number Twelve]

Great post, and I think I might now print this out, put in a time capsule for when my three "baby" girls are considering becoming sexually active. *SIGH*

[Lindsey]

I really like how honest this post is. Actually, your blog is always very honest and I admire that about you.

Anyway, I think it's completely smart that you got tested even though it's likely you don't have anything. Before I graduated college I got tested just to make sure. I didn't have anything and I didn't expect I would, but it was nice knowing that I was starting my "real world" life STD free. I have only been with Edgar since then, so unless he has something, I'm clean. Maybe Edgar should get tested, but I think something would have shown up at this point. It has been 3 years.

[Katie]

I've been inspired to revisit this topic recently, so I thought I'd pull up your old post about testing and see what you were tested for. Just as I suspected - they did not do herpes testing! For the life of me, I cannot figure out why herpes blood tests aren't included in standard STD panels. According to the CDC, at least 45 million Americans over the age of 12 have genital herpes (HSV-2), and most of them (80%, I've heard) don't know they have it!! If a woman gets it for the first time during her 3rd trimester, it can be deadly to the newborn. I am just baffled as to why this isn't a common test :-P