Tragic Love Friday: Coming at you like a spider monkey

Well, our free two-week trial with Blockbuster Online is officially over. Our first monthly payment of ten dollars and fifty-nine cents was charged to our Visa on February 25th, but do you know how many movies we saw in February? Six. SIX MOVIES FOR ELEVEN DOLLARS. This is record-breaking for us, and reason enough to establish a permanent love affair with ordering films online.

It all started on the thirteenth when we received the eagerly anticipated Click (which was very good and even made me cry a little). After we'd had our fill of Adam Sandler shenanigans, we brought it to our local Blockbuster chain because online mailers double as coupons for free rentals in the store, which is how we came across The Illusionist (highly recommend), which in turn held us over until the first two episodes of Big Love arrived while Luke was away on business. That weekend we returned The Illusionist and used the Big Love mailer to score The Grudge 2, which I feel obligated to inform you was not a good decision. Meanwhile, our account had been credited with an e-coupon for a free rental just for signing up with BB online, so we redeemed it for A Sound of Thunder, another questionable choice but Edward Burns was kind of cute so it wasn't all for nothing.

On Tuesday we received Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, and that movie is so damn hysterical we had to watch it twice. Shake and bake!

"We could watch this every day for the rest of our lives without paying any late fees!" I informed Luke in a sort of awed wonder.

"Or we could just buy it," he said.

There is that.

So yes, this newfangled idea of renting online is working out splendidly, mainly because we're not limited to renting online and we keep getting coupons for additional rentals. Some of the thirty-five titles currently stored in our queue include The Departed, Lady in the Water, Adaptation (which I first watched for a screenwriting class in grad school and can't wait to see again), Proof, Fantastic Four, the first season of 90210, and The Notebook.

Speaking of notebooks (OMG, what a fantastic segue), we are down to the last fifteen pages for the first serial of Tragic Love Friday. Next week will showcase the final installment, and then it's on you guys to come up with a really hysterical summary for this tale of questionable morals and unbridled passion. Remember? Not only will you be performing a huge service for potential part-two readers, but you'll also score yourself an opportunity to relive the days when Brenda Walsh ripped holes in the knees of her jeans and Brian Silver's cousin accidentally killed himself wearing a cowboy hat (or something). What about that sentence isn't appealing?

Some of you expressed concern over the guidelines I laid out, but really, don't pay them any mind. Just summarize the story as you remember it. If I receive multiple submissions, which I REALLY hope I do, I'd like to feature them all, so if you miss something, chances are another reader will pick up the slack. You're also allowed to team up with other bloggers to present The Mother Of All Summaries, but then it's up to you to figure out what to do about the DVDs, because dudes, I love you, but not enough to contribute seventy dollars of 90210 goodness to the World Wide Web when I'm stuck renting it all online.

Here we go, my pretties. The second-to-last installment. Cherish it while you can. 

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN - JENNA (CONTINUED)

"You're sure you want to do this?" Michael asked, once again in the driver's seat.

"Positive."

A few hours had passed since I made my decision. We were just about 3 miles from the Illinois border. The area was deserted.

"Stop here," I cried suddenly.

"Why?"

"I - I don't want to go back yet. Give me till tomorrow. Then I'll give her back."

Michael pulled over and parked near a cornfield. He squeezed my hand. "It'll be harder if you wait," he said softly. [That's what my first boyfriend said when he wanted to have sex!] "Just give me till tomorrow," I pleaded. He nodded.

I fed Katherine some formula, then Mike and I ate a little lunch. "I'm proud of you," he said out of the blue.

"Why?"

"I know how hard giving Kayla back Katherine [Awkward Phrasing, how I've missed thee!] will be for you. It won't be a great experience for me, either. I've grown to like the little tyke." He smiled at the baby and tickled her under the chin. She squealed with delight.

"I'll be alone again, Michael." I shuddered and wrapped my arms around my chest. "You'll never be alone as long as I'm around." My friend gazed at me with such intensity, I had to look away. "So much has changed in such a short amount of time. It's scary when you think about it." I yawned. "I'm so tired."

"So am I. Why don't you sleep in the backseat with Katherine, and I'll sleep at the wheel."

"No," I argued. "You've been driving for hours. You sleep back here, too." His face flushed. [I thought you'd never ask!] I felt myself turn red, also. "I mean...if you could just hold me, protect me. That's what angels do," I teased. [But do angels help emotionally unbalanced women kidnap children from maximum-security correctional facilities? Now's not the time to quibble over job descriptions, Jenna.] He smiled shyly and made himself comfortable in the backseat, while I snuggled against him. Katherine was asleep in my arms. It would have made a pretty picture.

I closed my eyes and let sleep take over me.

[This girl so owes Michael a blow job. Really. At this point the poor boy's balls must be bluer than the sky.]

CHAPTER FIFTEEN - KAYLA

I was pacing back and forth in my cell when the officer who was handling my case, Officer Kujak came barging in. [This name sounded so authoritative to me at the time, kind of like Columbo or McGyver. A Kujak could carry his own show, don't you think?] "We have news about your baby, Evans," he informed me.

I felt my body come to life. "How is she? WHERE is she?"

"A woman spotted a car that matches the description of suspect Jenna Meddows."

"In Illinois?"

"No. Wisconsin."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "Is she alive? What's being done?"

"The witness didn't think about the car until she heard about the kidnapping on the news. She was already back in Chicago by then." Kujak checked his watch. "Me and 3 other squad cars are on our way any minute. I've got to notify the Wisconsin police."

"No!" I cried. "If she sees police, she might panic and hurt Katherine." My shoulders sagged, and I felt like crying again. "She's got a butcher knife."

"OK; you might be right. Now I've got to go." [Members of the law are so easily influenced by the flawed yet seemingly reasonable logic of civilians! This kind of exchange happens in Lifetime movies all the time.] He turned to go. I grabbed his arm desparately. "Wait! Take me, too."

"Are you crazy?"

"Maybe. But I have to be there when you find my baby. Please! You can cuff me, gag me [hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me], whatever!" Kujak grabbed my arm and cuffed my hands behind my back. "I'll see," he said.

We were gone in 5 minutes. Please don't hurt her, Jenna, I thought as we drove to Wisconsin. If my baby's OK, I can forgive you. "How long until we're there?" I asked. He checked his watch. "It's 4:00 PM now. We should be there by 6:30."

I couldn't get there fast enough.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - MICHAEL

I woke up from a fitful sleep at around six. I had gotten up twice to change and feed Katherine, letting Jenna sleep. She needed it more than I.

[Jeez Louise, she's had the kid fewer than twenty-four hours and already she's a lazy mother. Michael's like a single dad, only with no actual children!]

I got out of the car and stretched. The sky was shades of pink and blue. Such a beautiful setting, such a sad situation. In the car, my love stirred. I saw her sit up and blink her eyes sleepily [probably rolling Katherine onto the floor in the process]. I went to take the baby from her [See? He knows she can't be trusted] and motioned her to join me. She sat on the hood of the car, hugging her legs to her chest. She was so beautiful. I sighed. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," I lied, a lump rising in my throat. Tell her, tell her! my mind was shouting. "A lot of things are going to happen after Katherine's returned," I commented. "We'll be put in prison."

Jenna shook her head. "Only if Kayla presses charges against us." [You know, because the state of Illinois has no qualms with you stealing babies from their facility. One less mouth to feed!]

"You don't think she will?"

"No. She knows why I did it. She'll forgive me."

"What are you going to do?" I asked. She looked thoughtful; thoughtful and sad, too. "I can't go home. Things are too different."

"Where will you go?"

"Far away from here." She laughed bitterly. "My parents will hug me, write me a huge check, and then I'm gone."

"You can't go," I whispered. "I'll miss you." [Please don't go, girl. Never ever go away....]

She smiled. "I'll miss you, too."

"Jenna." I mustered up all my courage. "I - I love you." [Go, Mikey, go! You can do it!] She looked surprised, then said, "I love you, too, Mike. You're my best friend."

"You don't understand. I love you, Jenna. I'm in love with you, and I need you here with me." I was so scared, I could have cried. How would she react?

[Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous for him! My heart is pounding like crazy as I type this.]

Jenna shook her head. "You're just confused. You can't love me."

I secured Katherine in jackets and blankets in the backseat, and I left the car door open [so someone else could kidnap her?]. Then I grabbed Jenna's hands and gazed into her eyes intensely. "I do. I think I fell in love with you the first day I met you. You're the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night. It hurt so much when you were pregnant with David's child, because I wanted you for myself."

[Um, thanks for being happy my baby is dead?]

I leaned closer until her face was inches from mine. "I love you so much it hurts," I whispered. "I can't live without you now." Ever so softly, I kissed her lips. My hand reached to caress her cheek, and I kissed her again, only with more passion. She responded slowly. Soon, she was in my arms. Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of my neck. I kissed her forehead, and her eyelids. [That last part was creepy. I don't want anyone kissing my eyelids.] "I would die without you," I whispered in her ear.

I shouldn't have mentioned death. She stiffened and pushed me away. "No," she cried. "This can't happen. You're my best friend."

"I can be more," I said, hurt by her resistance. "I want to be more. Can't you see that?"

"You're just lonely for someone," she insisted.

Tears sprang to my eyes. "Don't you love me, even a little?" Jenna started to cry, too. "I - I don't know." I grabbed her shoulders. "You have to know!! I need to know!"

[OK, OK, I love you. Just please don't hit me again!]

[Also, I don't know why I put so much emphasis on "you" and "I" in the above paragraph, when really "have" and "need" were the ones who warranted extra attention.]

"I don't know," she sobbed. "Even if I do, I can't get involved with you. Love hurts too much! David said he loved me, and then he went to Kayla!"

"I'm not David! I'm Michael; I'll never hurt you!"

"Raise your hands where I can see you! This is the police! I repeat, put you're hands where I can see them!" I turned around and lifted my arms above my head. During our conversation [read: hottie make-out session], policemen had slowly surrounded the car. Jenna, looking terrified, did what I did.

It was all over.

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And now it's all over for me. Except for two more quotes from Talladega Nights, because really, so hilarious.

"Dear little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin' the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors, I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my momma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers."

"I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that."

Hakuna Matata, bitches!

(OK, three quotes. Go see this movie!)

Comments

[David McNelis]

Had the police not shown up I think Michael was gonna kill her. Classic unrequited love! He'd have taken the baby and ran...he's a better father than her a mother anyway.

And what the? They take her FROM PRISON for a police Ride-a-long?!? Across state lines?!? Not to mention that the FBI probably would have been involved (and I don't mean Michael being a Federal body inspector of Jenna in the back seat...(which makes me think, what kind of car were they in that had a back seat that would fit two people and a baby?!?) ).

[Rachel]

Ok, how did Kayla know that Jenna had butcher knife?

I like how the police came by to tell Kayla they were getting ready to go check out a lead. "yeah, we gonna leave in a little while, I mean, they have a car and a 24 hour headstart, how far could they get?"

"Raise your hands where I can see you" They were sitting on the hood of the car, wtf, were the police just laying on the ground, lol.

Gah, I heart TLF!

[Margarita]

Damn! Rachel and I must share a brain, too...How did she know there was a butcher knife involved?
And FYI??!!! I'm like, a billion miles away from home, on vacation in FL, and DEMANDED internet service JUST so I wouldn't miss TLF. That's LOVE right there, Frema!
(Okay....maybe it's borderline obsession, but whatever.)

[Frema]

Girls, girls: Kayla called Jenna's house last week, remember? And Jenna's mom went all apeshit with random dialogue and mentioned the missing knife?

Also, I like to imagine that Jenna and Michael were making out on the hood of the car, White Snake-style, while officers surrounded them and grabbed the baby. Very sexay. And stupid.

[Silly Hily aka The Hilarazzi]

Don't pay attention to Marg. She's in FL and has clearly had one too many beers. As for Rachel, I don't know what her excuse is. Come on girls, remember, Kayla called Jenna and her mother answered the phone and said that Jenna was gone and so was a butcher knife from the kitchen. This happened right after the police told Kayla that Katherine was gone.

Frema, you rock. That's all I can say. Just when I think your commentary can't get any better? It does.

"My parents will hug me, write me a huge check, and then I'm gone."
What the hell is that all about. Seriously, it's a wonder any of these kids turned out normal with the parents they have. Oh wait, they didn't. They murder, and kidnap, and do the nasty, and have babies, etc. etc.

I was also soooo nervous for Michael. Until the police arrived, I was starting the get scared for Jenna though. Michael was getting a bit pissy about her not telling him what he wanted to hear.

[Brittany]

I nearly peed my pants watching Talladega Nights. Glad you got a few good laughs out of it, too. I imagine you and I must have a bit in common sense of humor-wise... You know...with our undying devotion for Zach Braff and all...

And I'm glad you liked Click because I liked it, too, (and cried) and ever since Ebert and Roper (or whoever they are) listed it on their Top Ten Worst Movies of 2006, I have felt shame. Why do I care what they think? I dunno. I need to get over that. I can like whatever movies I want to, right?

And the Notebook.... all I can say is I wanna make out with Ryan Gosling.

That is all.

Have a nice day.

[Rachel]

Ok, Silly Hily, I have 3, count 'em, 3 kids, do I really need an excuse, lol?

[Katie]

1. "It'll be harder if you wait," he said softly. [That's what my first boyfriend said when he wanted to have sex!]

Exactly WHAT would have been harder if you'd waited? tee hee!

2. "A woman spotted a car that matches the description of suspect Jenna Meddows."

So the *car* looked like Jenna's description. Interesting, lol.

3. [That last part was creepy. I don't want anyone kissing my eyelids.]

When you have babies, you won't be able to stop yourself from kissing their eyelids when they're sleeping. It's really not possible. Sorry.

[takin chances]

OMG!!! You watch Big Love too?!?! I love Big Love SOOOO very much. I canNOT wait for the second season to come out. I have Netflix and I love it. No more having to remember what it is I wanted to see so badly.

Oh, and The Departed is fabulous and full of violence and Proof is also fantasic.

[Molly]

Hoooooray TLF! (I will be so sad to see it end! "Never ever gooo awayyyy")

You have NKOTB stuck in my head. Early NKOTB, which I think is worse.

I am so glad that Michael finally fessed up to his undying love for Jenna. A little disappointed in Jenna, because I totally wanted her to agree so Michael could finally get laid for standing by her through all this crap.

When I read, "tears sprang to my eyes," I pictured an odd-poltergeist water fountain effect, tears shooting out of him and soaking Jenna. Next thing you know there's an alien baby crawling out of his belly and critters coming up through the ground.

What? It could happen.

[Lizzy]

So, this being your second-to-last installment, will you put it all together in one giant, complete Tragic Love page?
I'm savoring it to the last drop--I want to be able to devour the whole thing at once. Not so good with WAITING!
Also: YAY for BlogHer. I'm fully booked in.

[Sant]

I know, I know, I knowwwww I totally slacked and missed out on commenting on last week's TLF... I feel like this is a walk of shame, reconciling, coming back to admit to the world (wide web) that I, admitted adict to TLF, faltered-- blame it on my job. Blame it on yours. Blame it on your mom. Blame it on the rain, yea, yea.

Okay, so here's the deal-- I didn't get any creep strangler vibes from Michael, though I was strangely surprised that he was more prepared to care for the infant than the once mother-to-be herself... didn't she read any books during her pregnancy with Mary Katherine (maybe she did no preparation whatsoever-- either making her the token TLF psychic, having the premonition that her child would not actually arrive to be cared for... OR it makes her a damn teenager)??

Maybe Michael will move on from his love for Jenna while she's in prison for kidnapping and can seek a career as a Manny. He was damn good with the baby that I bet once the media gets ahold of this story, he will be launched into caring for Sean Preston Federfalling and Number 2. Good going Mike!

As for Jenna and Kayla, I think I may be a little backwards in all my thinking, but the fact that in each of their major situations, they're mutually like,"meh, she'll forgive me". I see these two being the stars of the show in the sequal.... either that or sharing a cell, braiding each others hair. Whatever.

Okay, so that's my take, and PS- If they made this into a movie, I would totally watch you in the director's cut just to hear your commentary throughout! You should work on some contacts!!:) I would camp out in line for three weeks... in a tent next to Silly Hily;)

[mjd]

The movie is on the daddy d/mjd list to see. Pastor Tim played a clip of the prayer during the Christmas Eve service. His point was that many people like Ricky Bobby prefer the tiny baby Jesus to the grown-up, trouble-making, changing-your-life Jesus. I think maybe he is right.

[Isabel]

Yeah, what kind of a car are they driving that they can all 3 sleep comfortably in the back seat and also make-out up on the hood?

And also, STILL NO CAR SEAT!

[Pink Herring]

Since when are Jenna's parents total asswipes? I thought that was David and Cassie's mom, going on her "vacations" with her "friends". Maybe I just forgot from reading through these too fast that Jenna's parents are RICH asshats.

Oh, and when I was a teenager, I would have been ecstatic if my parents had offered to write me a huge check and never talk to me again. I'm just sayin...

I also love how the police "slowly surrounded" them. Was it also silently? Or was the sound of their cars drowned out by the sounds of their beating hearts?

PS- The baby Jesus commentary was the best part of Talladega Nights.