An ideal worth fighting for, even if I sound like Mrs. McCranky Pants

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that pregnancy is a huge blog attraction. From what I can tell, the majority of blog readers are women, and one of the few experiences women can claim as their own is the ability to give birth. So, when another card-carrying member of the female population loses her gestational virginity, most ladies, they're interested. They're interested because no matter how pretty that woman is, no matter how career-oriented or sassy, there's a good chance she'll spend some quality time on her knees, holding her hair back, embracing the Porcelain Throne as if it were an abstract representation of Justin Timberlake. Pregnancy allows women to move beyond the barriers of social class, politics, and religion and celebrate those qualities that bring us together in the most basic sense. I never owned a closet full of designer suits like blogger diva Amalah, but I can totally relate to the frustration she felt getting dressed every morning in those early days of embryodom, wondering if anybody will notice that she's worn the same pair of pants three days in a row or if she can get away with wearing a fine wool turtleneck at the end of April because she's afraid to buy new clothes she may grow out of in eight seconds and she's already donned the other two acceptable work tees currently at her disposal.

(OK, that last one wasn't Amalah, but at least there was a slight breeze running through the lab today, so nobody asked me if I was out of my mind. Also, I actually have quite a few collar-shirt-and-camisole emsembles I could wear, but back in the early days of Weight Loss Wednesday I put those items "on notice" until I got down to 130 pounds because otherwise my boobs create unflattering bulges in between each button. In case you were wondering.)

What's my point? Oh, yeah. Pregnancy and its ability to create meaningful bonding moments between women. And up your blog stats. And it has. Upped my blog stats, I mean. Not to the extent that I'm quitting my day job and signing up for Google ads or anything, but enough for me to kick myself for not updating more often. However, since I assume the majority of my new visitors are or have been pregnant, I also assume they understand why I'm not running to the computer every night to document my latest vomiting frenzy.

I take that back. There is no frenzy. I'm actually not puking all that much now, though there was an unfortunate incident after devouring five chicken nuggets and a junior deluxe cheeseburger from Wendy's on Friday night, and an equally unappetizing experience this morning after trying to take the last ammoxicillin pill for my urinary tract infection. With Kool-Aid. Because that's one of the only things I can drink these days. Apparently I'm too busy clutching my stomach and feeling sorry for myself to post delightful excerpts about impending motherhood. I'm too caught up in a constant state of nausea and fatigue to feign Pregnant Joy for the World Wide Web.

So when I read this entry today on Mom's Daily Dose, it resonated with me. It's appalling to think some women raise an eyebrow at those who aren't one-hundred-percent over the moon about the pitfalls of pregnancy. I'll deal with the nausea because nausea is not the end result of this journey. In seven months there will be a baby; that's what I want, and I'm grateful to have this chance. I thank God for it. But I will not turn into Little Miss Sunshine simply because folks like to see a jolly pregnant woman. Maybe when I'm done being sick I'll enjoy pregnancy; maybe I won't. Doesn't matter. I don't need reassuring sound bites like "But it's all worth it in the end" or "Don't worry, after the first trimester you'll just love being pregnant!" Why? Why is it not OK to say that being pregnant can suck major ass?

Because right now? It does. It sucks that I just spent an entire weekend lying on the couch in my pajamas, going thirty-six hours between showers, because I had no energy to even take a walk around my apartment complex, while my husband, who just had four wisdom teeth removed, was still itching for some fresh air. It sucks that family and friends call hoping to hear happy news about the baby and I'm bitching about decreased fluid intake. This doesn't mean I'm not aware of how good I have it. It doesn't mean I need advice on how to feel better. It's just a phase. I understand it, and I will get through it. Eventually, it's going to be OK.

Since announcing my pregnancy a few weeks ago, I've received a small dose of assvice so far, both online and off, and I've been warned that it's only going to get worse, because lots of mothers have their own little basket of "helpful hints" to pull from. You have to do this. You better do that. Don't do this or you'll scar your offspring for life. Plus, there seems to be no appropriate way to defend yourself, because God forbid you take issue with someone who's "just trying to be helpful."

I don't believe in that. I've seen a number of women keep quiet about their hurt feelings because they're afraid to step on someone's toes, nevermind that that same someone had no qualms sticking a nose where it didn't belong.

In an effort to help us to stand up for ourselves, I'm asking you to share your assvice stories with me. (Note that I'm using my pre-marriage msfrema address for this so it's easier to sort through submissions.) They don't have to be about pregnancy or even motherhood, just a time where you received advice or a directive that wasn't welcome. I won't post your name if you don't want me to. I'll share these little gems on and off throughout my pregnancy, the main goal being for us to have a good laugh over the misguided intentions of others all while learning a thing or two about the value of holding our tongues. Yes, our, because I'm sure when the gestating thing is all said and done, I'll be just as tempted as everyone else to tell my sisters how to take their prenatal vitamins, but I'll need to remember that a baby or two does not an expert mother make.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

P.S. I've lost 1.2 pounds since last week. I may fit into those collar shirts before the month is out.

Edited to Add: OK, there is to be no more apologizing for any advice you think you may or may not have given. This entry was not written to make anybody feel bad or single any one person out, and chances are I wasn't even talking about you. Regarding the whole "it's all worth it" thing, I was talking more about the busy-bodies in the Mom's Daily Dose entry who shame pregnant women for not feeling all hearts and rainbows 24/7, NOT the wonderful well wishes you guys have been giving me here. This post is more like a preventative measure against future busy-bodies. Say NO to assvice! Together, we can make a difference!

Comments

[Molly]

Hey have you tried saltine crackers?

heh heh heh

I love hearing about your decreased fluid intake. And whether you enjoy pregnancy to high heaven or count down until it's over, I can't wait to smother your sweet little baby in kisses. (After I wash my hands of course. Because you know you'll have to wash your hands around your newborn, right? And eat saltine crackers while pregnant?)

That's all.

[Fraulein N]

I really appreciate women (bloggers) like you and Amalah, who welcome motherhood with open arms but also acknowledge that being pregnant is HARD, yo. I hate when people sugarcoat an experience; I'd much rather know what I'm getting myself into, should I ever go down that road.

Also, I too have struggled with those unsightly gaps button-down shirts can make around your boobs. What's up with that?

[The Asshole]

Ummm...Hi! Man, do I feel like an ass. I'm one of "those" that you mentioned above.
Pregnancy DOES suck. It ain't all rainbows and butterflies and frilly shit. IT SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.
And I'm sorry if I led you to believe otherwise.
And I'm sorry for offering up my assvice on the subject.
And I promise to (try to) keep my mouth shut unless you ask.
Even at BlogHer.
Big Hugs.

[Sissy]

Don't worry sister, I don't expect rays of sunshine flowing through the telephone. I can't relate to what you're going through because I've never been pregnant, so don't worry about getting too much assvice from me. ;) Just good old love and care...and the occasional bad joke.

I already told you my friend ate saltines and drank green apple tea...but what do I know. I love you and it was groovy talking to you tonight. Hasta la bye, bye pretty pregnant woman! ;)

[Art Nerd]

Assvice is the worst, and I've found through my second-hand experience of my sister's pregnancy that nothing makes women more assvicey (is that even a word?) than motherhood/breeding. I do not know how I will handle becoming public domain when I finally get to spawn, but I have a feeling I will. not. enjoy. it.

Onward, brave preggo soldier! Beat a path for the rest of us. And if you get snippy you could always (if you want, or not, if you don't want, you know take this with a grain... yada yada yada) blame the hormones

[Lindsey]

I had my first dream about a blogger last night...and guess who the blogger was? You! Maybe I'll do a post about it. Until then, stop haunting me in my sleep!

I love you and your blog because it's honest and I like that. You rock!!!

[Molly]

Have you tried saltines?

[Elizabeth]

Glad you're back! I was getting worried for a bit, but I totally understand. I could barely pull myself off the couch to get dressed and go to work in the early weeks of this one. I'm at 17 weeks now and FINALLY starting to feel better!
Pregnancy is not all fun and games and rubbing your tummy while you gaze lovingly at it. It's nausea, constipation, fat ankles, clothes that don't fit... but you are right: there's a precious little baby at the end of all this. I'm looking forward to reading all about yours!

[VirginiaGal]

I'll add my two complaints about tops - "puff" sleeves and short sleeves with bands or cuffs that tighten in and cut off the circulation below that point. I really don't want to draw attention to my (in my opinion, really) freakishly large upper arms, thank you very much. Not everyone has arms like toothpicks.

Feel free to tell it like it is...the good, the mundane, and the really bad. But only when you have the energy, etc. The 30 bazillion checks for updates are just an indication that your writing is great, regardless of the topic.

[Jessi]

How's the baby reacting to spinach dip? :)
Thankfully, I have no assvice stories, except the constant barrage of " but the etiquette book says" comments from my mother about the impending nuptials!

[Debbie]

I will be the first person to scream from the rooftops that pregnancy SUCKS! I hate it, I always have. Does that mean I wasn't looking forward to my babies? Nope. It just means that right now I'm trying to win a Nobel Price by figuring out how to make two more babies appear in my house without them coming out of me. Any suggestions? I'm not making much progress, so any help would be appreciated!

[Silly Hily]

Wait, you get to make out with Justin Timberlake? Awesome!
(Also, seriously? Love Molly!)

[Rachel]

Don't worry it's all gonna get better.

LMAO!

[Isabel]

Molly, your mom tries saltines.

Yes, pregnancy sucks donkey balls (as Liz put it). Huge ass donkey balls.

I e-mailed you, at your request.

I'm glad you're getting a tough skin early on in this pregnancy. You're gonna need it.

(Wait, was that assvice?)

[TasterSpoon]

I dreamed I was 9 months pregnant last night, and, what do you know, everybody in my dream had their two cents to put in.

Here's mine. This weekend's episode of Real Simple addressed the between-buttons-shirt-gap issue. They suggested, in increasing degrees of permanence: double-sided tape, adhesive Velcro, and Velcro you sew in.

[takin chances]

I don't have any assvice about being pregnant. If I were having any sex, I'd try NOT to get pregnant, but that's just me. :)

OF course, I am told that my "clock is ticking!" Woohoo!!!

[Stacey]

Dammit, the saltines HELPED ME!

Frema, I love hearing you tell it like it is. In the course of one hour, I'm moved to tears by the precious new baby kicking my ribs, then raging in misery about my "cankles"...don't know what those are? Just wait. Mwa-hahaa.

[daddy d]

I maybe should comment on this post. What do I know about that hurting condition. I just know that loving the baby is what I will do and am doing right now.

[Lucky Gem]

I was never the jolly, happy pregnant lady, and I felt guilty about it. I wanted to strangle every person that mentioned how "wonderful" pregnancy is. Now though, I know it's totally worth it, but don't think I didn't doubt that while I was pregnant. Keep your chin up. It can be tough.

[Michelle]

The worst thing anyone said to me during my pregnancy.

Thoughtless Beyotch : "OHHHH, You're pregnant! How far along are you?

Me: "About five months."

Thoughtless Beyotch: "Really? That's how far along my neighbor was when she miscarried."

Me: Open-mouthed silence.

[casey]

Michelle.. the thoughtless beyotch is really stupid.. especially because you don't miscarry at 5 months... stupid heifer!
Chin up Frema. HUGS

[Erica]

Just enjoy the little creature while still in the womb, cause once they are out there is no putting them back in....they turn into scary toddlers. AHHHHHH!!!! There that is my assvise. Ginger lollipops work pretty well for the tum tum.

[wilddreemer]

yeah, pregnancy is awful. I complained my whole first one. When this one came around I told myself I was going to embrace it better. Fugggg that, I'm still puking and farty and what not and pregnancy still sucks!

As for assvice, I didn't drink a single drop of caffiene my first pregnancy,my son is now hyper and i was told it was because once i had a cup of regular tea!!!

BUT THE WORST, after losing 18 lbs in my first pregnancy, at the nurse practitioners advice I had some cheesecake to gain weight and my doctor had the nerve to tell me, a nine month pregnant woman "REMEMBER, ONCE ON THE LIPS, FOREVER ON THE HIPS!"

[CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela]

No assvice - I think I blocked it all from my memory.

There is nothing I liked about pregnancy. Nothing. It all sucked major ass. I won't sugar coat it - labor sucked too. But oh, the reward. At least until they start talking....

Ginger Snaps. I swear by them for nausea.