She's Come Undone

Now that you've read two perfectly coiffed posts in a row, posts that were written, edited, and extensively proofread almost a full week ago, let me tell you how I really feel.

I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm nervous. I cry a lot. I read a lot. I try to sleep but end up running to the bathroom at least three times during the two-hour window before my alarm clock goes off, which is less about peeing and more about, well, since I'm up anyway, I might as well do something constructive with my time. I stare at pictures of my wee embryo's development online and try to imagine what it looks like. I check for blood in my underwear every time I pee and whisper hearty words of encouragement to my future spawn after zipping up my pants to STAY PUT so Momma doesn't have a heart attack in the corporate john.

The day we found out I was pregnant, I was truly shocked. I always thought I'd have some tell-tale sign from my body that it was leasing space to a new human life, like swollen breasts or waves of nausea or an insatiable appetite for peanut butter ice cream with pickles on top, but it wasn't like that at all. My inspiration to take a test in the first place came from two leftover sticks stashed in my bathroom junk drawer and pure boredom. My period wasn't due until the next day. I had no reason to be suspicious.

Now, I don't know what to do or how to act. It's too early to "sit back and enjoy the ride" because I'm battling the constant fear of doing something that will hurt the baby or worse, bring on a miscarriage. (By the way, if a pregnant woman expresses these fears to you, appropriate responses do NOT include "Well, if it's meant to be..." or "Everything happens for a reason...." I guarantee you will either scare the crap out of her even further, piss her off, or both. If you value the friendship and/or your own life, just give her a hug and tell her she'll be fine. Even if she doesn't believe you, she will definitely appreciate the gesture.) I carry this feeling with me every day, and I never know when it will surface. Luke and I watched an episode of House last week in which Hugh Laurie performed high-risk surgery on a twenty-one-week-old fetus, and by the last five minutes I was bawling louder than the baby. On Sunday night, I sat in Luke's lap and sobbed on his shoulder because of a cloudy vaginal discharge that I later learned was totally normal. Turns out those cheapie pamphlets from the doctor's office are good for something.

I don't know how women do this every day. I've only known for a week and a half and already I'm a basket case.

On a lighter note, I've received a handful of inquiries about the future of Weight Loss Wednesday, and rather then disband it altogether, I've decided to modify it to accommodate the circumstances of my current situation. Because there is a recommended weight-gain range for pregnant women (twenty-five to thirty-five pounds), and because I'm also afraid that my calmer, second-trimester self might use the baby as an excuse to eat a gallon of Breyer's every night before bed, I'm instituting Weight Watch Wednesdays so I can continue to strive for healthier eating habits and will my bloated ass off the couch. I'll still hop on the scale for you all, since "the books" recommend that, anyway, but instead of tracking the pounds to my goal weight, I'll monitor how much I've gained since the first WLW of my present cycle, which occurred on February 28th. (The first day of my last period was February 22nd.)

(Was that too much information?)

WEIGHT ON 2/28: 135.6
CURRENT WEIGHT: 138.6
TOTAL PREGNANCY POUNDS GAINED: 3

I'd really like to keep my total gain under thirty pounds, but hell, I'd put on a hundred if it guaranteed a healthy baby. Maybe that Breyer's will come in handy after all.

P.S. Amalah pimped me out over on Mom's Daily Dose. Won't you please stop by and tell everyone how wonderful I am? There's only one comment so far, and that's from me. The baby is already embarrassed.

Comments

[Silly Hily aka The Hilarazzi]

You want ME to pimp YOU out? No problem my little pregnant friend. I'm on my way now.
And the crying thing? Totally normal.

[Michelle]

Also totally normal - the peeing thing and the worrying thing.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR BABY WILL BE FINE AND AWESOME AND LOVE YOU TO PIECES (repeat to self multiple times hourly until November 29).

[Elizabeth]

Checking for blood? Looking at the tp after you wipe? Crying, no, SOBBING at the dumbest things? Worrying every single second that your little baby is growing and thriving in there? All normal. It gets better. Promise. Once you get further and hear the heartbeat on the Doppler and see the ultrasound and feel the kicks and pokes. I promise. And then? You get "pregnant nose." I like to describe it like this: If someone farts 5 miles away? You can smell it.
Ah! The joys of pregnancy!

[Katie]

Hugs!! You'll be fine!!

Seriously though, I think every woman worries about miscarriage, or at least allows the thought to cross her mind a few times. Whenever I would express my miscarriage fears to my husband, he would say I was being too negative. It drove me crazy! All I wanted was exactly what you said - a hug and some reassurance :-) Also, you are under no obligation to read or listen to scary miscarriage/loss/birth stories for the next 8+ months!

I am one of those who totally believes that babies need ice cream. I gained about 40 pounds with each of my previous pregnancies :-) Though watching the diet is a great idea too ;-) Just don't buy "Fresh Herb Salad" at the grocery store. I thought it sounded great. Apparently they meant "bitter herb salad for Passover" because it's GROSS. And I usually like salad!

[Liza]

Everything is going to be fine.

You're young, you're healthy, you aren't in any high risk categories -- the odds are overwhelming that you are in the very early stages of growing a healthy baby.

AND feeling totally freaked out and overwhelmed and terrified is totally normal.

Go buy Kaz Cooke's _Bun in the Oven_, the BEST, least preachy, funniest, most-relatable pregnancy book ever. It's worth the money.

If you must, get What to Expect from the library. Read it selectively as it will terrify you, and also, you don't have time to eat as many vegetables as she seems to advise. All you would be doing would be grocery shopping and eating vegetables. And while they are fine things to do, you have other things going on in life too.

Or don't get it at all. You'll still be fine, and so will your baby. Everything she says is somewhere on the blogs and forums you're frantically reading.

But just for safety's sake, no skydiving. :)

[Rachel]

Everything you are experiencing is normal. I'm not gonna tell you not to worry because you are going to anyway. I think it's God's way of getting your ready for being a mom. You will worry for the rest of your life! I can tell you that going each month and hearing the heartbeat will put you at ease for a little while. Once you start to feeling that little baby moving and kicking, you will be reassured over and over again that things are ok. The checking for blood thing, I don't think that ever stops. I did it through my whole pregnancy. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about these feelings. In fact, it's probably a good idea. Pregnancy can cause anxiety and sometimes it gets worse rather than better.

[Audrey]

Havnig never been pregnant, I can't tell you for sure what is and isn't normal, what to expect, and whatnot. But I can tell you that how you're feeling seems like it should be normal for a newly-pregnant, extra-hormonal woman. And I can also tell you that you take such good care of yourself that you're going to be absolutely fine. And that baby sure is lucky it's got a mom like you to take such good care of it!

[Kelly]

I think the way you are feeling is so very normal! That's how I was, too. I constantly worried about losing my baby and I was pretty obsessive about it.

It totally didn't help that I had spotting and/or actual bleeding pretty much every other week until I was out of my first trimester. My doc still doesn't know WHY, but my little guy is perfectly healthy and due in a couple of weeks.

My point is, just try not to obsess too much, and just enjoy this time!

[Kelly]

To clarify, my doc doesn't know why the spotting happened, but said that many women experience it and go on to have healthy pregnancies!

[Silly Hily aka The Hilarazzi]

Ah the pregnant nose! I can't help it, I have to say it. You better hope you don't have that at BlogHer in case Liz lets one rip in her sleep. Ha! Hahahaha! Or better yet, if you do have it, I'll go eat a bunch of Taco Bell and then let one rip and maybe you'll be able to smell it all the way in Chicago and well, it'll be just like I was there with yall.
What? Too much? Never. Nothing becomes too much once you have kids. You'll see.
I love the comments. These are going to be as good as TLF comments!

[Elizabeth]

Holy crap....I think I just ripped one from laughing so hard at Hil....Frema...can you smell it???

[Molly]

Ohhh holy crap! Liz and Silly Hily- the pregnancy nose!! A little non-perk that I completely forgot about.

Honest to God, pregnancy has its wild side, but once that little baby starts kicking (like, nicely kicking, not when s/he is beating the living hell out of your rib cage) you will love it. There is nothing like connecting with your baby as s/he grows.

Can I tell you again how happy I am for you?

[casey]

So so so happy for you Frema!!! Hil and Liz - preggo nose.. ain't that what made Liz KNOW she was pregnant.. sketti?!

Frema - TOTALLY normal.. all this is what is going to make you such a wonderful mother.. I mean, if you are so worried about this little booger now.. just think!.. Honestly though, it is the most wonderful thing! And sometimes it makes you smile to know you can bitch about things pregnant women are suppose to bitch about!

[casey]

OH, and as you can see with my FAF, sometimes, it is easy to lose the preggo weight after you have your second.. as long as it is like right after.. like me.. 10 weeks right after.. don't recommend it though.

[daddy d]

Everything is fine and will continue to be fine. You are doing a good job. You have family and friends. But most of all you have Luke.

[takin chances]

Wow! I CLEARLY have been too engrossed in work lately. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Sorry, I'm a little late on the uptake, but I so very happy for you and Luke!

[Lindsey]

Everything is going to be okay. I just know it! I can't even comprehend the feelings you must be having because I haven't experienced them yet, but I'm here for you just the same.

[SJ]

So happy for you!!!

[mjd]

Besides the obvious glory of having a baby, there are some nice things that happen when you are pregnant. After a bit, the hair on your legs stops growing, which is good, because with the pregnant tummy shaving is more difficult. Also, when I was pregnant, my complexion was the best ever.

I am so lucky to be on spring break. This way, I am able to keep up with reading your blog and the gazillion comments of the Internet showering you with well-deserved love.

[Joanne]

I found you via Amalah and I'm so happy I did. I too live in Indianapolis and I just added you to my MOMS category on my marked blogs! I was the exact same kind of pregnant woman, my God, did I worry and worry and worry and cry and cry and cry. Now my boy is two years old, (almost) and I wish I hadn't wasted so much time worrying about the pregnancy when it was the actual BABY I should have worried more about! I know it's impossible to not worry, but try and have faith and breathe deep and don't listen to anyone! I know that's ironic advice but really what I'm trying to say is good luck and just lean into the crying, it's going to happen, just try and always have tissues. Congratulations!

[CPA Mom]

I will just echo the above. All is normal. I'd worry about you if you DIDN'T worry.

I gained about 40 lbs with each kid and it all came off in 3-6 months. It's the rest of the weight I can't get off!

I saw that at Mom's Daily Dose and pimped you out on my site this morning. How awesome is that to get recognition from Amalah! I'm a bit jealous! Hope you'll still remember the little guys when your stats go through the roof (BWAHAHAHAHA).

Blog Her is going to be so much fun! I promise, I won't touch your belly.

[Isabel]

I know I'm not the first to say it, but all of this is normal. I thought about my baby 24 hours a day. And also worried about him. Normal, all of it.

And the comments from people around you...I hate to say it, but they just get worse. Learn how to just nod and smile and thank them for their words. And then walk away before you punch them in their nose!

[Debbie]

I would love to tell you that all of your worrying will go away soon, but unfortunately, it never will (or so I'm told by my mother). I know that I kept thinking "once this baby is born I'll be able to relax, because then I can see it, feel it, hold it." But unfortunately my fears increased when my precious bundles arrived...are they still breathing? Oh shoot, my 4 month-old fell off the bed.

But that's why being a mother is so hard...we never get a minute of peace since the day we see the second line...and we don't care. Instead of saying that the fear will go away or get easier, I will tell you that you learn how to manage it. You learn how to put it on the back burner until there's something important to worry about (like getting a call from the sitter that your daughter has swallowed a small toy).

I do promise that once you get into the second trimester (I know it seems like an eternity away but it will be here soon) you'll start to relax a little and really start enjoying everything...at least that's how it was for me!

Hang in there! Everything you're doing is what every pregnant woman does!

[Jen]

oh I had those same thoughts in the early days of being pregnant. I was convinced that I would go to the dr (they didn't want to see me until 8wks- EIGHT WEEKS!) and they'd be like um, you're not pregnant honey, just insane. (nevermind the fact that I'd missed my first period after being like a clock since age 12, heh) I'm not sure what it is that makes early pregnant women so neurotic (hormones, probably) but just know that you're not alone! :)

[twolinesonastick]

Aaaaah! I'm so excited to have a new "pregnant" blog to read! Especially since my pregnancy is coming to the end now- it's fun to be excited with someone all over again :) And I was also an obsessive toilet-paper-checker during my first trimester. I worried about every little twinge. I was so anxious before I could feel the baby move, that at one point between appointments I actually had my doctor send me in for MORE bloodwork to make sure I was still pregnant because "my boobs hadn't hurt for a few days." But guess what? You'll be fine.

[debi]

Frema I have been so excited for you and Luke for the last few days. Of course you could not know that as I have been too lazy to comment. Don't cry anymore.You really will be okay. I felt so sad for you when you mentioned you are checking for spotting everytime you sit on the pot. I did the same thing. With all 5 pregnancies.You will feel better soon. Really,you will.You are already a great Mommy. God Bless you

[May]

Oh man, I was SO FREAKED OUT when I was pregnant. Isn't it WEIRD? For such a natural thing, it sure doesn't FEEL natural. But it will all be fine. You are growing a fabulous little baby in there. (A little shrimp-like-creature at the moment, but with great potential)

[Lucky]

I worried the whole time. It doesn't stop. I worry all the time now. But, I've learned she is totally worth it. I am a new first time mom so everything you are saying is still fresh in my mind!

[Lucky]

Oh, are you rooming with Liz at BlogHer? Dude, you are going to be tripping out!

[Christar]

I love the idea of tracking your pregnancy weight! Awesome idea! I always tell myself that when I have a kid, I'm gonna eat healthy 24/7 so I won't turn into a hippo, but I just KNOW I won't, haha. I'm already addicted to junk food! But don't stress about it if you do eat what makes you feel good. You'll get a beautiful baby in the end which will be all worth it, and you can always lose the weight afterwards. :) Good luck!

[Erika]

I so remember that impending-miscarriage feeling and it sucks so much. Hang in there, truly. When it's all said and done you will be just as amazed that it all worked out. And I remember the embarassment of trying to explain questionable discharge to my husband...over it!! HUGS!!