Things that make you go SOB

Since last Friday, I've been subjected to the following delightful one-liners:

Coworker: Look at you! I'm gonna have to start calling you "Big Belly."

New Hire: So, our interview's on for tomorrow? You won't have any labor stuff happening?

The Cash Register at Cracker Barrel: December? You sure there's not two in there?

To top it all off, Luke and I went to Babies R Us to register last night (it's one-thirty in the morning; I can say "last night," right?), and I sat next to a woman with a December 26th due date whose belly was equal in size to my 19-week bathroom snapshot.

Are those good enough reasons to cry into your husband's shirt sleeve? No? How about this?

I'm completely overwhelmed by all the crap we'll need for this baby. I'm not talking about yuppy things like shopping-cart covers or wipe warmers, but actual essentials, you know, like the three-hundred-and-twenty-dollar breast pump that I'm praying to God will allow me to maintain an adequate milk supply once I go back to work, and the bottles necessary for Freka to eat in my absence, and good God, how many bottle sizes are there?

I'm worried that I'll fail at breastfeeding, so no, Similac, I don't want to sign up for your free tote right now, can you give me a chance to at least try the boob before you bombard me with advertising?

I'm amazed at how quickly money is about to run through our fingers. New car for Luke? Ha! We'll need that dough for leftover registry items, maternity leave, extra life insurance, and last-minute hospital expenses, because even though I think we're all set, you never know with insurance companies. We'll also need to pay a lawyer to establish official guardianship for our baby in the event of our untimely demise, because rumor has it babies are totally co-dependent and won't lift a finger to sustain their own livelihood. Good luck finding someone to take you in with that attitude, kid.

I'm obsessed about my size (thank you so much, coworkers and RANDOM STRANGERS) and convinced that I have gestational diabetes or a womb filled with multiples who were somehow clever enough to avoid the scrutiny of the ultrasound camera.

I'm nervous about preparing for my three-month hiatus from office life. Is there some kind of maternity leave etiquette that dictates how often I should communicate with coworkers? Do I have to check my e-mail? Show my face under the guise of a social call? Pretend I'll miss my job and be super-dee-duper excited to come back?

Before you call the suicide hotline on my behalf, know that it's not all gloom and doom around here. Luke and I had a great time this weekend checking out the Real Pirates exhibit on display at the Cincinnati Museum Center. We also took a boat ride on the Ohio River, visited friends in Kentucky, and went fossil hunting at a state park on the way home. The closer I get to losing my DINK membership, the more grateful I am for moments like these. Even if they involve watching visually horrific clinkers like The Hills Have Eyes and Saw III and begging my husband to walk me to the bathroom at two a.m.

Me in my 26-week glory. You'll notice my belly button decided to host its own "coming out" party, and those track pants? Are my favorite pants in all the world. Most elastic irritates the hell out of my stomach these days; either the bands are too tight or too itchy or too...too. Can you believe they expect pregnant women to wear clothes for the entire nine months?

Shit. Maybe I'm having twins after all.

Comments

[Professor Art Nerd]

I don't understand the way people will come up and comment on a stranger's belly. Who are you, again? I thought of you yesterday when I was talking in my one class about these images of pregnant women. One of the students in my class just had a baby a few weeks ago, and was telling about being pregnant and becoming part of the public domain. I think I will go into hiding when I get pregnant- I hate people!

And I am starting to really think that people have NO IDEA what a pregnant person is supposed to look like. Also, how big babies should be. I've never heard anyone say to a pregnant woman, Wow, you're so SMALL! or about the new baby, Oh how TINY!

In summary, people are crazy and don't know what the hell they're talking about. :)

[Zoot]

Hey - I gained 65lbs with one and 50lbs with the other - I know those show and awe comments from the general population very well.

Also - I had NO luck with the expensive breast pump. My boobs like the $45 manual pump much better. I don't know why - but I just wanted you to know that before you spent the cash.

ALSO - breastfeeding was very tough with my first child. I almost quit several times, I bled, I cried, it was awful. But - we were food-stamp poor so I had to stick with it for money reasons - and you know what? It got better, so if you ever need someone to talk to about it if you have any problems, I've been there. It's not easy for everyone, and I am a prime example of that.

And I think you're adorable. Sorry for bogarting your comment section.

[Maureen]

I, too, think you look adorable, and just tell the random strangers to eff the hell off. What is the MATTER with people? (The coworkers will probably require a weak smile in the interest of not burning bridges, but maybe you can blink back some tears at the same time.)

I just left a comment on your Parents.com blog, but I'd like to add one more comment that you will only need 4oz bottles at first, if that's any help. And with our baby, at first we bought one each of a few different types of bottles to see which he would like since different babies prefer different nipple styles, and there is no way to know what Freka will like till you try some. Naturally, our Jack ended up preferring the cheapo nipples at first, and we thought our expensive bottle purchases were a waste. But now he's not so particular.

As for breastfeeding, just do the best you can and do not listen to nursing commandos. And I say this as a nursing mother. And you never know, it might be easy! It was easy for me!

[Jess]

I was like that with my first. At 22 weeks I got the "wow, you're ready to pop, aren't you?" comments constantly. I looked like I had four babies inside.
She was born, a healthy 8.5 lbs, and within four months I lost every bit of the 55 pounds I gained.
Everyone carries differently. Some of us, well, carry everything up front.
My second was totally different. I gained the same amount (I ate lots of ice cream), but looked really small for my date.
How you look now means nothing on how big, healthy, and perfect your little one will be.
You look fabulous. Almost makes me want to think about #3....

[wilddreemer]

i wanted to ask if you had asked your insurance if they cover breast pumps? my insurance rented me a super awesome one for 3 months free and then 30.00 a month after. also, you should totally register for the similac things and then if you never use it you can donate it to battered womens shelters and stuff where people can't afford formula

[Erika]

Oh my jeebus. I have so much to say but I know you don't need to hear it. Everyone needs to learn on their own. Yes, babies require a lot of stuff but you will be surprised how little you'll need to buy after your shower/before the baby comes. After the baby comes, yes, there are frantic runs to Target because OMG WE ONLY HAVE 14 BLANKETS FOR THE BABY but don't worry too much.

Yes, life insurance and wills should be free...we procrastinated on that for a year, which I know you and Luke won't do. Do you guys have a "legal plan" at work or anything? We got a discount on our will preparation through Jonathan's teacher's union.

Not sure how anyone feels about this because I did not bf or pump, but my friend bought a breastpump on Craigslist and then just bought new hygenic parts? I know ZERO about pumps so I'm not sure if that makes sense. Just in case you are worried about spending the money, or considering re-sale value.

You can get the big bottles, they aren't going to overwhelm the baby, you'll just only fill them up to 4 oz or whatever. She won't be eating 8oz until late in her first year so you'll get good use out of both.

I know bottle size is not the point of your overwhelmed feeling, but rest assured that the people who love you know what you're going to need and are going to be more than happy to gift it to you. Seriously, we had piles to RETURN before Evan was even born ("Target, Wal Mart, Sears, Hechts"). And haven't you heard of all those "I slept in a dresser drawer and I turned out fine!" babies??

[Brittany]

My hospital gave me a manual breast pump - which I totally wasn't expecting - and it came with hookups for an electric breast pump. Maybe you can check with the hospital and see what they offer and do like Erika said... check on Craigslist or eBay. I rented a pump and it was an old, ugly, brown thing, but it worked perfectly with the attachments the hospital gave me and it's sucking power was excellent.

I had a hard time registering for my baby stuff. I feel guilty asking for specific things, but my family members asked me to register for their benefit. It's hard to know what you'll need because you don't know your baby's personality yet. I wish we could have the babies for a few weeks and THEN register.

[Liza]

First, I love the picture of Pirate Frema! Too cute.

Second, I disagree with Erika. I think all you need are the 4 oz bottles. I think I ever managed to pump more than 4 oz per side exactly twice, and Noah was never interested in more than 4 oz of milk at one sitting.

BTW, a useful and environmentally friendly milk storage system that will pay for itself in a couple of months is Mothers Milk Mate bottles instead of the plastic baggies. There's a link in my Gear Review section, along with reviews of all of the pumps I tried: http://lizawashere.com/nursing-pumping-gear-faq-reviews/

Regardless of all of this, you and Freke are going to be fine. Great, even. :)

Oh yeah, and wrt being on leave/communicating with work? I would not worry about anything for at least 2 weeks.

After that, I would check your email every week or so, bring Freke in for a visit a week or two before you return to work, and at that same time, check in with your manager/hr to make sure that whatever plans you made for returning are still in place. And/or adjust them as needed.

[Becca]

You are beautiful. People are so rude. I remember having a distinct urge to greet people with "F*** off" instead of "Hello" by the end. Even my OB was alarmed by the size of my belly and I had a perfectly normal, if a little large, baby boy.

I use the Amdea Purely Yours breast pump. It is a double electric and it was only $150. I've had to replace the valves a few times but the pump comes with three new sets and I'm only having to buy my own set now (at 10 mo). You might ask at your hospital too; at mine you could rent your pump for a while and they would apply your rent payments to the cost of buying the pump.

And I agree with the poster above who said get the 8 oz bottles right away. You don't have to fill them all the way and they will last a lot longer that way.

I remember feeling the same way, but you'd be surprised how fast you will hit your stride.

[Molly]

I really hate to give you any advice here, because even I'M overwhelmed at this point, and I've done this baby thing twice now. The one thing everyone keeps repeating is the truest part of it all - everything really will be fine.

I don't have a clue on pumps, but I have to say go for the four ounce and nine ounce bottles. If you just get the nine, and your baby is at the point where she's only drinking two (Jack came home from the hospital drinking less than a half ounce out of preemie bottles, way to throw me off) there will be way too much air behind the tiny bit of milk. If you just get the four ouncers, you might end up with a baby who polishes off four ounces in three seconds flat and screams her head off while you scurry for more. Just my experience. ;o)

So glad I was trying to not give advice, aren't you?

I love the pictures from your trip - your pirate look is funny as hell. I wish that all of America would stop harassing gestating/nursing/bottle feeding/working/non-working/sling wearing/carseat turned around at 19.8 pounds versus 21.2 mothers, for the love of God. You look great, and you are going to be the best mom. I have every confidence in you.

Jackson is stuffing Hot Wheels cars in the VCR again. Time to END this one.

[Jessi]

I think you are bee-yoo-ti-full! :) People can be so insensitive - and then they get all offended when you say something snide back!

[Erica]

I think you look beautiful too! Some people open their mouths, but their brains shut off.
I used to say "Yep, due any minute. Hope your not squeamish!"
Good luck.

[Ree]

Beautiful is an understatement. And? I never got out of regular clothes until I was 5 months pregnant, but then? ALL BETS WERE OFF. The belly, the navel, all out there for the world to see, and I had a very normal, 7 lb 8 oz baby. And yea, only the one!

:-)

[Rachel]

Let me start by saying that you look awesome!! Tell those people to shut the hell up!

Second, try not to get overwhelmed by all the baby things. I know that's easier said than done, but as long as you have the basics, you can always purchase other things once she is here and you know what you like and what she likes. All babies are different. Not all of them like the same bottles since nipples are different. Same goes for pacifiers. Before Alyssa was born, I never even entertained buying a wipe warmer. She was born in January and screamed whenever a cold wipe touched her body. I couldn't stand it.

Don't be too hard on yourself about breastfeeding. I wanted to with both my girls, but I didn't produce enough milk. With Kaylie, I was so sure that I would breastfeed and all that, that I took it really hard when I couldn't. With Alyssa, I prepared myself before she was born that it was possible I wouldn't be able to.

[Katie]

1) I violently hated the belly comments. I agree that a weak smile is the best for co-workers and others with whom you want to maintain a relationship. Then come vent about it here or in an email to someone :-)

2) I worked through both boys' infancies, and we just used the Ameda bottles with the drop-in liners. That way dh could warm up the milk in the freezer baggie and then just drop it into the bottle. I chose Ameda because the wide-mouth nipples are supposed to help prevent nipple confusion. Also when you use the drop-in baggies, you don't have to worry about size at all.

3) I used the Avent Isis hand-held manual pump for my first (I was away from him 2 days a week, for 12 hours a day). I used the Ameda Purely Yours double electric pump (got it from WIC in Texas) for my 2nd. I pumped until he was 18 months, and the motor appears to be working fine still (crosses fingers; knocks on wood). However, I only pumped twice a day most of that time. (I hate having to work, but I have been VERY blessed to have super pumping skillz, lol.)

4) Breastfeeding was very painful with my first. Six weeks of pain and bleeding. But I survived it and it got much better after that. I've now been nursing for 5.75 years solid, with only a one-month break before this baby was born a week ago!

5) Communicating with work? I have no idea what the proper etiquette is. I'm not even sure my boss got my email that I've had the baby. He never replied to it, and I haven't had a single call to ask me questions about projects I was working on. Couldn't they call once or twice with questions so I could feel that I was just a tiny bit indispensable? lol

[Lindsey]

Dude, you are totally one of those cute pregnant women who I love to hate. Okay, not that I hate you, but I just know that I will be thankful to look even half as cute as you look when I'm pregnant. I love the pirate photo!

I heard from my best friend who recently had a baby, that registering for a baby is completely different from registering for a wedding. She said that she was so overwhelmed that she had to do it in two days and take plenty of snack/sit breaks. Maybe focus on a few areas per visit so you don't get too overwhelmed. I can only imagine...

[Audrey]

I have no advice for you, but I wanted to say that you sure are a gorgeous little pregnant woman!

[Rachel C]

I think you look fantastic! And I love that green shirt you're wearing in a couple if those pictures! I'm sure everything will be fine once Freka has debuted.

[ads510]

long time reader, first time commenter...

do not worry about the crazies who feel the need to comment on your belly growth. i started to show really early and was HUGE from about 6 months onward. i had the latest due date in my birthing class and had the biggest belly. of course that doesn't mean that i was happy that people continually asked me if i was about to pop or if i had twins in there. in fact, i got pretty snotty at the end and would often respond with things like, "yeah, i think i actually have 6 babies in there...i'm having a litter." or when someone said that i looked like i was about to pop i said, "well you better watch out then, i wouldn't want to get any on ya."
I will just never understand why people think it is ok to say these things to an already emotionally unstable pregnant woman! No one would ever just go up to a fat person and say, "man, you've gotten huge!"

As for maternity leave etiquette...I'm an attorney at a large law firm in louisville, KY and I had three months off and I checked my email maybe once a week, and it was more to send people baby pics and definitely NOT to do anything work related.

And I have been back to work for four months and LOVE the medela pump in style breast pump. it's pricey, but still cheaper than formula!

[emmakirsten]

I think you look beautiful, people are so rude sometimes, haven't they heard, if you don't have something nice to say.... I had one lady ask me if i was due any day, that was asked to me last week, when I told her I have 3 months left she gasped and said, OMG you are HUGE! that made my night, let me tell ya~!

As for maternity leave, hell I didn't go back until I was due back at work, a yr later.

The pump, people gave good suggestions, I hand expressed. It's true though, for some people nusring does hurt, don't be discouraged, you may also have an easy time. Erika was right about bottle sizes, 8oz isn't that bad, but baby won't use that till later. That's what I always went with.

Have to tell ya, you make one cute pirate!

[Bethany]

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my second. I am popping out all over the place. People are already giving me the same lines you are getting- makes me want to slap the hell out of them!

See if your hospital rents pumps- that way you can try it before buying in case it doesn't work for you.

I have the EXACT same pants!! They ARE the most comfortable. I get home from work and put them right on with a huge sigh of relief!

You look great!

[Cam]

No advice, just want to say you and your belly are beautiful.

[ambitious mrs]

You look great- don't let the crazies worry you. My advice is to maybe wait on buying the breast pump. At my hospital they gave you a free (but very crappy) manual pump. You can also rent pumps - which is a somewhat good idea in the event that breastfeeding doesn't work out for you.

[Aunt Ruthie]

Poo Poo ...they are just all jealous!! You look great, healthy and glowing, enjoy the attention and glow some more. Not all those so called essentials are all that essential. Goodness....that is what baby showers are for.
Will forms are free on line....maybe guardian stuff is also. As long as it is witnessed and notarized no problem.

REM

[Liz]

Oh heavens, Frema. You look so beautiful I about cried! I want to poke that little belly button, but I'm afraid of the right hook that would follow shortly thereafter. :-)
People don't mean anything when they say that crap to pregnant women. Mostly, they think they're being funny or really are just trying to make small talk. That being said, I always came back with a "HA! I never heard THAT one before!" (or muttered a pleasant "Oh, please f*ck off.").
It' so easy to be overwhelmed with everything, and it's also seriously difficult to just let it all go until the baby arrives. Only you will know what's right for you and your baby. As for the breastfeeding--everyone always went on and on and on and on about how Beautiful and Natural it was. Girl, that sh*t HURTS! The best advice I got was from a midwife (and about 9 months after I stopped nursing)--use a loofah on your nipples in every shower NOW. Toughen those nips up! Nursing is a different experience for everyone. I had a tough time, but it got easier. Don't ever hesitate to contact me if you have issues. Don't give up the first 10 times you think you're going to. It does get easier. I promise.
And this will conclude my comments hijacking/assvice giving.
You'll be fine. You're making a wonderful home for Freka in your belly now and a wonderful home awaits her outside.

[Jilt]

Frema, you are gorgeous! You look so natural, so much like a pregnant woman should look. You're just beautiful.

People are idiots. Those comments, dumb.

Babies R Us is a nightmare. It's overwhelming. There really should be a store where you can ease into learning about all the crap babies "need." And trust me, most of that stuff, they don't "need." I sent you my registry list, right? Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything or have questions. I went to BRU to register with a friend who had a baby about a year before I did - it was the best three hours I've ever spent. She explained everything to me. 'Cause some of that stuff I would have never guessed what it was for.

Breastfeeding. There's a hot button topic. It came pretty naturally for me (thankfully), but I had a great support system with the lactation consultants in the hospital, my mom, and a few good friends. I pumped when I went back to work without much trouble. I made it to the 6 month mark, which was my goal, but once I got there, I wanted to go longer. I blame Oprah for drying up my supply.

Your pirate photo? LOVE it!

[lizarita]

Think of it like this...everyone is so used to seeing you in "extra small", that seeing you with a few extra pounds is "different". I think you are absolutely ADORABLE!!! EEEEEEE!! A baybeee!!!

[Jenny]

Like so many people said above, I think you are beautiful the way you look. Being pregnant is one of the most wonderful and natural things about life (how the hell do you think you got here, fool - not YOU - the idiots who make the comments), I don't know why people insist on saying the stupid, rude things they do sometimes.

Continued good luck! I can't wait to see her - and you - in person!

[Jenny]

Ah yes, I also forgot...
With the title of this post, I wasn't sure if you meant sob, as in cry, or SOB as in a real S.O.B. Either way I guess is appropriate for the rude comments!

[daddy d]

The baby will not go with the real needs being taken care off. You figure that out as you go along. Stores just are there to make money. That is what they do and they do it very well with all that stuff.

[Emilye]

Hey! I didn't know you were from around these parts! I live in Lexington. Glad ya'll had fun. And you're belly is cute....not humongous.

[Isabel]

You look great. Really, you do!

As for the comments and the post...I could give you so much assvice. But all I'm going to say is this:

Stop buying anything!! Seriously, don't spend one more penny on things for the baby. You have so many people that love you and want to help out. You will be amazed at what you are given by those who love you. Wait until after your showers to buy what you still need.

[Miss W]

Just found you through Zoot...so a bit late to this particular party BUT

You don't look at all huge to me. When I was pregnant with my son, I was due in January and in late Sept. early Oct. was getting those comments. I have a short torso -- there was nowhere for the belly to be but straight out!