Hey! Remember back in August when I solicited recaps for part two? And how nobody was up for the job and I was very, very sad about the lack of TLF love?
Well, happy days are here again, because Audrey of Sangria Lover came to the gang's rescue. She actually rescued me at the beginning of the month, but I've been too busy to format her Word entry within TypePad and I was adamant about posting it on a Friday because duh, Tragic Love FRIDAY, and anyway, now it's the end of the month and I hope she forgives me.
Because her recap? Is AWESOME.
Enjoy.
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Tragic Love Friday – The Sequel
I tried to keep it short and sweet, but there was A LOT of tragic lovin' going on these last few months! I also looked back at the Part 1 recaps for inspiration and loved Silly Hily's idea of including the best commentary from each chapter so much that I went ahead and stole it. Because TLF just wouldn't be the same without the commentary. And you know what else it wouldn't be the same without? The comments! So I re-read all of the hilarious comments and copied and pasted my favorites for each chapter here as well. I felt it was important to recap every aspect that makes TLF so amazing--Lil' Frema's writing, Adult Frema's commentary, and TLF Addicts' comments.
Prologue – Kayla
Kayla, Cassie, and Kyle arrive in Cedar Springs, Iowa via plane. Their car will arrive via u-haul truck, obviously.
Kyle is the result of Kayla being gang-raped by some security guards in prison, just a month after her daughter was taken from her to live with Jenna and Michael.
Katherine is the reason they're in Cedar Springs. Kayla's dick (p.i.) located Katherine, and the Kayla-Cassie-Kyle clan have come to … spy on her?
Kayla has a new last name and a new hair color. Kay is Clark Kent to Kayla's Superman, and Michael, as we will learn, is far too stupid to see past the metaphorical eyeglasses and recognize her.
Kyle has no idea about his half-sister or the circumstances of his birth. Kayla's painted a nice picture of a family-abandoning father figure for him to admire.
Kayla hopes for a brother-sister bond between Katherine and Kyle. Be careful what you wish for, sweetie.
Best commentary: "Don't cry!" my friend said. "It'll be OK, Kay. I promise. I feel the same way you do. I'm dying to see my niece." [You'd think these women would've sworn off exaggerated death references forever. Such poor taste!]
Best comment: Pink Herring. Here comes the incest! Woohoo! It's not a real soap until a long-lost sibling pair unwittingly falls in love, forgets to use protection, and then finds out about their parentage when the chick is already knocked up.
Chapter 1 – Katherine
At school, Katherine meets Kyle and immediately develops a not-so-sisterly crush on him. The feeling is mutual. Actually, Kyle is a big flirt, and Katherine is annoyed by this. Lucky for Kyle, Katherine is asked to tutor him because he's "a little behind." They make arrangements to "study" together.
Best commentary: He seemed satisfied with my response. "Fair enough. I'm sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way today." [And that wasn't even an innuendo!]
Best comment: Isabel. My prediction is that Kyle really wasn’t asleep in the back of the car. The kid is smart, don’t forget. He totally knows what’s going on. He knows that Katherine is his (half) sister and he’s into that kind of thing.
Chapter 2 – Jenna
Jenna works as a personal assistant in advertising. For a company that "wasn't really recognized as trustworthy and worthwhile." Her boss lands the big Folger's account, so naturally she has to do all of the work. With bitch Agatha's help.
Jenna and Michael have twins--Luke and Leigh. But they want another--one to name after Michael, preferably (because Luke wasn't good enough? Or Michael and Michaela just didn't sound as good as twin names?)--but they've hit some infertility struggles and their marriage is suffering a bit as a result. The lines of communication, they are not good.
Best commentary: [OK, in my line of work, I've seen managers fired after five MONTHS of non-performance, but what can I say? Lil' Frema hates to put people out of work. Killing off innocent babies is fine, but contributing to America's poverty population is not an option. For now.]
Best comment: May. I'm glad that lil' Frema has Jenna & Mikey still in love & nice to each other, despite the pressure of 3 kids, crappy jobs, infertility, etc... I mean, haven't they been through enough? (Answer - no, we still have more sequel to go! Yay!)
Chapter 3 – Kyle
It's time to tutor. Kyle invites Katherine over then does what every girl dreams of by asking her to help him unpack when they're done studying. Swoon! Then he goes and hides in the bathroom because he has no friends. Gee, Kyle, maybe if you invited more people over for manual labor…
Incestual flirting takes place. (I'm pretty sure I made up the word Incestual. Just go with it, k?) Kyle tells Katherine that she looks just like his (their) mother. Ew.
Speak of the devil, Kay(la) comes home and is surprised to see her long-lost daughter. Aunt Cassie meets her niece. Kyle gets suspicious, but is placated with an "it's complicated, you'll understand when you're older" brush off. Katherine stays for a k-lassy frozen pizza dinner. More incestual flirting ensues, and Kay does NOTHING to stop her children from getting involved in what is quickly becoming an inappropriate relationship.
Michael comes to pick up his "daughter," and we learn that he is incredibly stupid and cannot recognize [that murdering bitch] Kay.
Kyle goes to bed but doesn't fall asleep for "a long time." My guess is he was "contemplating the trials and tribulations of his complicated existence." *wink, wink*
Best commentary: [Geez, with all that time he spent contemplating the trials and tribulations of his complicated existence, he could have just masturbated.]
Best comment: Rachel. And, I am so glad that Michael is not teaching at my kid's school! He is definitely not the brightest crayon in the box. I'm pretty sure that if I dyed my hair blond tonight, um, my face will still look the same.
Chapter 4 – Michael
Michael and Jenna visit the fertility doctor to find out (who's at fault) what the problem is. Doctor has bad news--basically it's a really really bad idea for Jenna to get pregnant again. Her body can't handle it.
Michael tries to smooth things over by suggesting a weekend getaway. Jenna's far too busy with the Folger's account to mess around with romantic nonsense.
Michael later runs into Kayla who "conveniently" has a flat tire in his school's parking lot. Even though she's a "complete stranger" to him, he gives her a ride home and pours out his heart about his failing marriage.
He comes home and his son tells him to "Get some, Dad." He probably doesn't, though, even though he and Jenna are having a rare romantic moment at the end of the chapter.
Best commentary: "I hate it when that happens," I said, and she laughed. "I can't replace your stuff or turn back time [or even put two and two together to realize you're the same woman who tried to kill my wife fifteen years ago, even though "Kay" and "Kayla" are about as different from each other as, well, "Mike" and "Michael"], but I can give you a ride home."
Best comment: Isabel. I love how the doctor is named "Peters". The 13 year old boy in me giggled when I read that. Tee-hee.
Chapter 5 – Kayla
Kayla is loving that Katherine comes home and makes out with her son every day after school. Is developing a major crush on Michael. (Chandler: Could things BE any more inappropriate?)
Michael and Kayla run into each other at the grocery store and then decide to spend the whole day together. Except instead they go see a movie that night.
Kyle is sketching Katherine. Probably nude. Kayla lets it slide.
Cassie is, for once, a voice of reason and advises Kayla not to date Michael. She is ignored completely.
Kayla dresses for an 80s-themed date, despite the fact that she is living in 1994, and all but encourages Kyle to pursue his love for his sister.
Michael picks Kayla up and both have apparently forgotten all movie plans. They go to a bar instead. And talk about how crazy Jenna is losing her shit. He notices a scar from a past suicide attempt of Kay's and then takes her to … uh… Lover's Lane? Where Kayla describes how Kyle saved her from her botched suicide attempt.
After that oh-so-romantic discussion, they start making out. Then she stops things before they go too far (for now), and he takes her home.
Best commentary: Everybody did their own thing [did their own sister]
and
but only an idiot could miss the added sparkle that I knew could be found in my eyes. [Kayla, have you met Michael Spencer?]
Best comment: David McNelis. Kay is so gonna end up boinking Michael. But then at least Michael will be able to honestly say to Katherine, "Yeah, well I porked your mom!" and not be lying in the least. Won't he be happy to get that off his chest. :)
Chapter 6 – Katherine
Kyle asked her to go to the video dance, whatever the hell that is. None of the adults stop this from happening, naturally.
Katherine gets all gussied up with her suspenders and striped pants. When snooping around to steal her mom's perfume, she stumbles upon some adoption papers but doesn't realize they are her own.
Kyle picks her up, gives her a rose, and we end the first part of TLF 2.0 with Katherine dreaming about how magical the night will be. If only she knew what was in store for her… So long, innocence! So long, sanity!
Best commentary: [Oh, Jenna and Michael, please produce more children who you can ignore and leave alone to fend for themselves, with only a pizza to console them!]
Best comment: Rachel. Don't ring loud!
Chapter 7 – Katherine
They took a cab to the dance. How romantic. They dance. They kiss. And it's great, as only a kiss between siblings can be. Or maybe I mean weird and creepy. Not great.
Then they go outside and Kyle rapes her. It's not pretty at all. Katherine is understandably angery. But at least Kyle was thoughtful enough to leave her cab fare (prostitute fee?). Which she rips to shreds in anger.
Best commentary: It was sweet and passionate and tender. [And also against God's plan!]
Best comment: Isabel. My notes do indicate that I instantly thought of Brian Astin Green's character in 90210 dancing like a FOOL when you mentioned Kyle being a good dancer. Sweet.
Chapter 8 – Jenna
Katherine is losing her shit, but nobody seems to notice.
Michael misses the special dinner Jenna makes, so the hungery twins have to eat without him. Katherine continues to lose her shit.
Michael gets home late. They fight.
She slaved over the Folger's presentation and then the bitch assistant stole her materials and so Jenna got fired. Because that's what happens in the cold, harsh world of ad agency assistant work.
Best commentary from Frema: At home, I was surprised to see Katherine was already there. [I have a daughter? Cool!]
Best commentary from Jennifer/Pink Herring: "By now, Michael, you shouldn't need my help! You should be able to understand me!" [Honestly, Michael. I don't even know why we paid for all those mind-reading classes!]
Best comment: Virginia Gal. Is it wrong of me to think that the only difference between Michael's mistress (Kay) and Jenna's (her job) is that he is getting laid and she is getting laid off?
Chapter 9 – Michael
Michael comforts Jenna after she gets canned. Then thinks how old she looks and makes her go take a nap while he goes to tell Kay that he's in love with her. And then they get it on.
Best commentary: Just last weekend we put up her Christmas tree. [Because baby Jesus loves it when adulterers come together to honor his birth with flashing lights.]
Best comment: Lizarita. You're KILLIN ME SMALLS.
Chapter 10 – Katherine
Is pregnant with her half-brother's rape baby. Jenna is flippin' burgers at Burger King.
Katherine decides to take matters into her own hands and take a bunch of her mom's anti-depressants.
Lucas is starting to be affected by the tragic drama going down around him. Katherine tries to be a good sister for a minute before going to spend the night at Shannon's house.
Best commentary: I had to pee on a stick (provided by the box, how thoughtful). [Honey, that stick is the test. Peeing on anything else just means you're weird.]
Best comment: Sant. I like how Lucas went from being raunchy hormonal to a shirt sleeve sobbing 6-year old in no time flat.
Chapter 11 – Katherine
Shannon's house is where she pops the pills to pop her baby out of her stomache. All the while she's having hallucinations of her little daughter, whom she affectionately names Katrina before blacking out. When she comes to, she finds herself in Shannon's bathroom, covered in blood and shit (quite literally). Which she proceeds to rub on her face. She feels okay, but something is still swimming around inside of her. (Excuse me while I add to the vomit in the room.)
Shannon is a saint and washes the bathroom. Three times.
Best commentary: "Kath, you were pregnant. You lost your baby." I nodded. [Um, how would Shannon know this? Katherine's only a few weeks along, and unless there was an arm or toe bopping on the surface, there'd be no way for a teenager to diagnose this as a miscarriage.]
Best comment: Molly. Beatings and vomiting and rubbing dead baby pieces on faces, oh my!
Chapter 12 – Kyle
Kayla reveals that she's pregnant. Cassie punches her. Frema celebrates the return of batshit crazy. Kayla and Cassie duke it out.
Kyle is a little freaked out that his whorish mother is pregnant. He almost feels bad about what he did to Katherine, but then talks himself out of it and convinces himself that it was her fault for being such a tease. He hates her. And also is in love with her.
Best commentary: [This is where the "Anything you can do, I can do better" part of today's title came from, because God forbid something good or bad happen to anybody without this woman jumping in with a one-upper. Jenna gets pregnant? Kayla gets pregnant AND carries the baby to term. Jenna gets married and enjoys a committed, monogamous relationship for over a decade? Kayla steals him in two weeks. Biological daughter is raped? Kayla gets knocked up by said daughter's father. Kayla wins, every time!]
Best comment: Molly. The kitchen scene with the sisters was awesome. I loved that they kept beating on each other like wild apes.
Chapter 13 – Jenna
Christmas morning starts with a good ole marital fight. Michael has huge balls; I'm not sure how he shops for pants. Jenna accuses him of having an affair. They hear the twins sobbing and find the twins, whose Christmas has been ruined forever, comforting Katherine who is having a conversation with Katrina.
Michael and Jenna start throwing punches in front of the kids. Katherine tries to intervene and gets kicked in the stomache. Her stomache "rumbles and bursts," breaking the water of her still-swimming fetus. Jenna realizes with horror that her little girl is pregnant and Michael calls the paramedics. The twins continue to be traumatized.
They get to the hospital and Michael immediately calls Kayla. Balls = huge. Michael lets it slip in front of Jenna that Kay(la) is preggers. Jenna quickly proves she is smarter than Michael (doesn't take much) and realizes that Kay is, in fact, Kayla. Kayla tries to claim Katherine as her own, but Jenna won't allow it.
The doctors deliver Katrina via c-section and it barely resembles anything human. Still, Katherine caresses her baby (better than rubbing shit on her face, at least!) and apologizes for hurting her.
Katherine has to stay at the hospital for a week, so Jenna takes her family home--except Michael, who chooses to stay with Kayla.
Best commentary: [Talking to the spirit of your dead fetus. One of those pesky side effects Planned Parenthood failed to include in their brochure.]
Best comments: (Chapter 13 was pretty long and there were too many great comments to pick just one!)
Silly Hily. Oh the irony (and confusion) here. Jenna, who's baby was killed by Kayla, kills Kayla's baby's baby. Is she going to take out Kayla's new baby as well? Can she make it two ladies and gents? We shall see.
Kathie. Because, when would be a more appropriate time to introduce your wife and your mistress than when your daughter was in hospital having a miscarriage that isn't entirely not your own fault? It's like Michael thought "Hey, I'm up shit creek without a paddle here, I might as well get it all over with at once...". The man either has ginormous balls, or is clearly insane. Or both.
Isabel. Dr. Frema, will you deliver my next child? You've got mad medical skillz.
Chapter 14 – Kyle
He is reeling from everything he's learned. He raped his sister. Aunt Cassie isn't his aunt. His mom's gettin' it on with Katherine's dad.
Kayla tries to explain. She sums up TLF part 1--baby killing, baby-daddy killing, prison rape, and all.
Kyle admits to raping his sister. Naturally, Kalya understands and, a rape victim herself, isn't mad that her son is a rapist.
Best commentary: [You'd think the fact that she was pregnant herself would have caused her to show more remorse for killing an innocent life that hadn't even been born yet, but no, she still mourns the jackass who couldn't keep his dick in his pants.] [I'm sorry, David, I didn't mean it. Love you! Mean it! RIP!]
and
[But you're still grounded! No sex for a week.]
Best comment: Angela. Kyle: Momma, the thing is... I raped my sister, just like what happened to you, I'm so sorreeeeee! Kayla: Oh, it's okay sweetie, that doesn't shock or horrify me as a former rape victim whatsoever, let's go eat cookies and sing kumbaya!
Chapter 15 – Kayla
Kayla pays a visit to the Spencers. Completely ignores Jenna. Has a chat with Michael--he's pissed about the betrayal and stuff.
She's making her rounds, so she heads to the hospital next. Katherine apparently can't get a nurse to keep her clean, as she's lying in a pool of blood in her hospital bed. And she's pissed at Kayla, too. Abandonment issues and all that.
Best commentary: He filled up a part of me [snicker] I thought I'd closed off."
Best comment: Silly Hily. "Grow up...not everything revolves around you." ???? Oh no bitch didn't!
Chapter 16 – Cassie
She and Kyle have a little heart-to-heart in which Cassie earns zero character development. They mostly talk about how upset and hurt Kayla must be feeling.
Best commentary: "He hit her?" Kyle looked angery. [Really. Forcing a woman into sex and impregnating her with your child is one thing, but slapping one is quite another!]
Best comment: Virginia Gal. Kyle: "If I had known Katherine was my SISTER..." Though I do feel better that he's sorry because Katherine was his sister, does that mean he wouldn't have been sorry if he'd done that to another girl?
Chapter 17 – Michael
Katherine comes home on Frema's birthday and promptly demands to see her adoption papers and photos of her parents. Michael despairs about how much weaker than Kay(la) his wife is. (Bastard.) Then he realizes that he's in love with both Kayla and Kay--all of her. He immediately tells Jenna. The entire Spencer family goes to pay Kayla a visit.
Best commentary: [Michael, you sonofabitch. A woman forced to bear the brunt of her HORRENDOUS mistakes, at least two of them made at the expense of YOUR OWN DAMN WIFE, hardly makes her admirable.]
Best comment: TasterSpoon. Poor Jenna. First the Folger's presentation, now this.
Chapter 18 – Katherine
On the way to Kayla's, she goes through a roller coaster of emotions but ultimately forgives Kayla and Kyle. No commentary.
Best comment: Fraulein N. Has Katherine been taken over by a pod person?
Chapter 19 – Kayla
Kayla is spiraling into deep depression. She's alone at the house. She grabs some pictures and goes to the garage, which she drenches in gasoline. She gets in her car, puts some Beethoven on the radio, and tosses a match out the car window.
Best commentary: "God, bless them and keep them safe," I whispered, closing my eyes. "I can't do it anymore." [Especially now that you're going to burn in Hell.]
Best comment: Silly Hily. And poor Jenna. She's still left all alone. Kayla not only kills her baby and her baby daddy and then takes her husband away from her but then she goes and kills herself as to get to David first. So, now she's got first dibbs on him, too.
Chapter 20 – Kyle
Sees the flame in the distance and runs to his mom's side. Kayla has passed out (and probably already died) due to inhaling too much smoke. He starts to try to save her but then remembers when he saved her from her botched suicide attempt when he was only 11. He "had saved her from death, only to let her go through more pain."
He apologizes and promises that he won't let her go to heaven alone, then joins her in the car.
Best commentary: "I won't leave you go to Heaven alone." [Oh, Kyle. You'll have to set your sights a wee bit lower. Maybe Purgatory will have you.]
Best comment: Isabel. When I just had to verify my comment, the code was "Kye". I think it was Kyle contacting me from the dead.
Chapter 21 – Cassie
At Kayla and Kyle's funeral, she recalls the scene when she arrived at the burning house. An officer starts to tell her about "the corpses," but Michael insists that she hear the news from him.
When the Spencers arrive, Jenna runs to get help while Michael stays and makes sure the twins witness the whole traumatic scene.
Back at the funeral, Cassie pays her respects. And maybe makes me cry a little. Then she and Katherine walk away from the graves, hand in hand.
Best commentary: We stayed behind until all the others were gone [what others? Her gang rapists?].
Best comment: Pink Herring. The bodies were burnt beyond recognition? No mention of compared dental records? FAKED DEATH!!
Chapter 22 – Jenna
4 years later
Jenna and Michael divorced but managed to stay friends.
Cassie's mom got AIDS from being a slut early in life, so Cassie and Katherine moved to Illinois to take care of her.
The twins are 16; Lucas is failing in school but excelling at painting creepy portraits of Katherine. Leigh has completely dropped out of school and dates a lot of worrisome boys. Stellar parenting, Jenna.
Michael comes over for dinner. The end.
Best commentary: I could see she was unhappy, so I didn't make her go, which didn't go over well with Michael. [Seeing as he's a FUCKING TEACHER, I would guess that no, Mikey wasn't jumping for joy at that.]
Best comment: Silly Hily. Can I just say that I was so hoping there would be a BIG twist, like her "visitor" in the end being David or something. What? People come back from the dead all the effin' time on Soaps.
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How are you guys doing without a weekly dose of TLF in your life? Are you adjusting or drumming your fingers impatiently for part three? Be honest. I can take it.
Maybe.
Outstanding Job Audrey!
I laughed, I cried, I relived the heady days and weekly impatient anticipation of TLF.
I can't wait to see what happens in Part 3...
Posted by: Virginia Gal | September 28, 2007 at 09:40 AM
Wow. That was an AWESOME recap...
My favorite part was reading the best comments and commentaries--my God we are funny! And I got a shout out! That makes me inordinately excited!
I miss TLF so much. I thought I was getting over it. But seeing it here again like this... well, all the feelings have come rushing back!
Posted by: Angela | September 28, 2007 at 12:24 PM
Holy Cow! Fantastic recap. Who the hell needs haiku's anyway! Audrey definitely deserves any prize that was promised. Like, twice. She might even deserve dinner, with your mom. Way to go.
Also, totally miss TLF, and can't wait for the third and (final?) part of the trilogy to get started!
Posted by: David McNelis | September 28, 2007 at 12:37 PM
I definitely miss TLF.
Posted by: Katie | September 28, 2007 at 01:19 PM
I got so excited when I saw this! I'm definitely missing TLF in my life....I can't wait till we get to TLF 3!!!
Posted by: Michelle | September 28, 2007 at 01:52 PM
This was brilliant.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | September 28, 2007 at 02:17 PM
FABULOUS!
Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | September 28, 2007 at 02:41 PM
I can't believe it. The day that I've dreamed of has finally arrived! (Actually, "finally" is a bit of an overstatement. I made Frema wait several weeks for a complete recap, so much of the delay was my fault!)
Thanks for all your kind comments on my recap, guys! Y'all and your moms totally kick ass!
Frema -- thanks for reading my mind and linking to the commenters' blogs. I had great material to work with thanks to you and your readers, so I'm glad that everyone's getting the credit they deserve in the form of linky love.
Posted by: Audrey | September 28, 2007 at 02:47 PM
That recap kicked some serious ass. I LOVE that Audrey picked a best "comment" from each chapter along with the best "commentary". I forgot how good some of them were. I literally giggled out loud at my desk several times because I think I missed some of the comments the first time around...like Isabel saying she thought Kyle was trying to contact her from the dead.
Audrey, thank you for that! It was the bomb diggity.
As for TLF? Well, I feel like a little part of me is dead right now without my weekly TLF dose.
Posted by: Silly Hily | September 28, 2007 at 03:47 PM
Dude if someone gets to have dinner with your mom, I'd appreciate an invite as well. If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, it would most certainly be your mom.
Audrey's recap is insanely good. I especially love the best commentary and comments. That is true dedication.
Audrey--you should have put your comments as the best. LOL
Posted by: Lindsey | September 28, 2007 at 04:54 PM
Love the recap!
Viva TLF! Can't wait for part III!
Posted by: Brie | September 28, 2007 at 11:16 PM
That was a fantastic recap! Great job!!
I have to say, I still miss TLF every Friday. Please tell me that in all of your spare time in between work and other work and other work and growing a baby you are secretly writing a new edition?
Posted by: Molly | September 29, 2007 at 09:25 AM
great recap, i can't wait to see what ya'll do with this next.. should be entertainting to the extreme;)
Posted by: wolfbaby | September 30, 2007 at 07:12 PM
Awesome recap, Audrey!!!! Once again, TLF has had me sitting at my desk laughing out loud!! I missed some of those comments too, like, Hil said! Especially the one about Kyle contacting Isabel from the dead. Freakin priceless!
Posted by: Rachel | October 01, 2007 at 04:31 PM
This was a great wrap up. TLF does live on and this is proof.
I can't even imagine how much work this was for Audrey and Frema to put together. And for your hard work, I thank you.
I'm with Molly-I'm secretly hoping Frema is writing MORE TLF in between her schedule.
And also, dude, I swear Kyle was trying to contact me from the dead. I wouldn't lie about that.
Posted by: Isabel | October 01, 2007 at 07:24 PM