Setting: Saturday afternoon, Frema-Useless Clutter household. Frema decides to get all ambitious and FINALLY tackle the dreaded private loan consolidation application currently plaguing her prenatal to-do list (for which an update will definitely be provided tomorrow, in case anyone cares).
Frema logs on to Sallie Mae's Web site. Learns her application has been withdrawn due to inactivity. This makes sense, seeing as she hasn't touched the damn thing since September.
Frema: Ah, fuck.
Visits the Mae's Contact Us page to locate the phone number reserved for private loan consolidations. Calls number.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Welcome to Sallie Mae, champion of higher education! To request a new loan, please press one. For information about your account, please press two. To report trouble accessing our Web site or to request a paper application, please press three. Para mas informacion en espanol...
Frema: presses two.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! Please enter your account number.
Frema: enters account number.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! For security purposes, please enter your five-digit zip code.
Frema: enters five-digit zip code.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! One of our representatives will be with you shortly.
A few seconds pass.
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry, all of our representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please wait on the line and someone will be with you shortly.
A few more seconds pass.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Let Sallie Mae call you back in approximately six. To. Eight. Minutes with our call-back feature. You won't lose your place in line! To learn more about this feature, please press one. For other options, please press two.
Frema: doesn't trust that she won't lose her place in line. Presses two.
Sallie Mae Fembot: To hear a description of a call back, please press one.
Frema: waits to receive other options.
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry! Your response was invalid. Please try again. To hear a description of a call back, please press one.
Frema: REALLY does not want to hear a description of a service she has no desire to use. Presses zero in an attempt to reach operator.
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry! Your response was invalid. Please try again. To hear a description of a call back, please press one.
Frema: ...
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry! You've reached the maximum number of invalid responses. Please try your call again later. Good-bye!
Frema: Noooo!
Dials number again, a little too roughly for her index finger's liking.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Welcome to Sallie Mae, champion of higher education! To request a new loan, please press one. For information about your account, please pr--
Frema: presses two.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! Please enter your account number.
Frema: enters account number (again).
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! For security purposes, please enter your five-digit zip code.
Frema: enters five-digit zip code (again).
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! One of our representatives will be with you shortly.
A few seconds pass.
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry, all of our representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please wait on the line and someone will be with you shortly.
A few more seconds pass.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Let Sallie Mae call you back in approximately two. To. Three. Minutes with our call-back feature. You won't lose your place in line! To learn more about this feature, please press one. For other options, please press two.
Frema: is pleased to learn her wait time has been cut in half since her last phone call but still refuses to press one. Does nothing.
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry! Your response was invalid. Please try again. To learn more about our call-back feature, please press one. For other options, please press two.
Frema: prays for a representative to interrupt her interchange with the automated voice-message system from Hell.
Sallie Mae Fembot: I'm sorry! Your response was invalid. Please try again. To learn more about our call-back feature, please press one. For other options, please press two.
Frema: presses two to stall for time.
Sallie Mae Fembot: Thank you! Let Sallie Mae call you back--without losing your place in line. Sallie Mae--
Frema: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Sallie Mae Fembot: To take advantage of our call-back feature, please press one.
Frema: realizes her only "choice" is to take advantage of the freaking call-back feature if she ever wants to make any headway with this stupid application. Presses one. Provides name and phone number for Fembot, who assures Frema she won't lose her place in line. Adds the finishing touches on her latest entry for Parents.
True to Fembot's word, the phone rings two. To. Three. Minutes later.
Frema: Hello?
Sallie Mae Fembot: Hello! This call is in response to a request from Brea.In. Dun.scom.be. You are the next person in line. Please hold.
Frema: holds.
Sallie Mae Fembot: You are the next person in line. Please hold.
Frema: Yes, I see.
Sallie Mae Fembot: You are the next person in line. Please hold.
Frema: Got it.
Sallie Mae Fembot: You are the next person in line. Please hold.
Frema: Motherfu--
Sallie Mae Actual Real-Live Person, It's About Damn Time: Hello, thank you for calling Sallie Mae, this is Kim, how can I help you?
Frema: Hi, Kim. I tried to finish my private loan consolidation application this morning online and was told my request had been withdrawn. I'd like to get things started again, please.
Kim: Can I have your confirmation number?
Frema: gives confirmation number.
Kim: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to transfer you to our customer relations department. Please stay on the line and I'll transfer you right away.
Frema: No, wait, I--
Sallie Mae Fembot: Welcome to Sallie Mae, champion of higher education! To request a new loan, please press one. For information about your account, please press two. To report trouble accessing our Web site or to request a paper application, please press three. Para mas informacion en espanol...
Frema: bangs head against desk, explodes.
Oh my god, those automated phone lines drive me NUTS. I hope you finally got to talk to a real live person!
Posted by: Katie | November 10, 2007 at 06:02 PM
Sallie Mae IS THE F'ING DEVIL.
Posted by: Liz | November 10, 2007 at 06:33 PM
Sallie Mae and Verizon are cousins. Married, kissing, cousins, who ruin my life as often as they can.
Posted by: Molly | November 10, 2007 at 06:44 PM
Oh, that made me laugh. ..With you, I swear! (and also a little at you, sorry).
I've had a similar experience myself... and rather than have them call me back, I stupidly waited on the phone for a LONG time and when I finally got a live person, my cell phone battery was just about dead.
Posted by: Elizabeth | November 10, 2007 at 07:51 PM
How true, how true!
Something EVERYONE can unfortunately relate to...
Thanks for the laugh (of course I KNOW when it is actually happening, laughing is the furthest thing from the mind!)
Posted by: Jenny | November 10, 2007 at 11:09 PM
My favorite is when auto-bot #1 asks for your account number, you punch it in and navigate through a zillion menus, before getting transferred to auto-bot #2; who asks for your account number, you punch it in and then navigate eleventy trillion levels of menus, and sit on hold for 30 minutes before you finally get a "customer service representative" who again asks for your damn account number! But you can't understand them because they are sitting in some hell-hole call center in New Dehli due to severe cost cuts by the company you are trying to get some freakin' service from already. Or, alternately you get cut off and have to start over again from the beginning.
Not that I would know anything about that. Augh!
Posted by: Virginia Gal | November 10, 2007 at 11:42 PM
I freakin' HATE automated call centers. They are even worse when you are trying to get through to the airline when you haven't been let on to the plane you were booked on. And according to the real live people when you finally talk to them, the only way to reach someone is through the 800 number. They don't have direct lines. Seriously, your husband, wife, child cannot contact you directly at work? Give me a freakin' break.
Posted by: Brie | November 11, 2007 at 12:27 AM
That was pure gold. We hate the auto voice fembots in my neck of the woods too.
Posted by: eva | November 11, 2007 at 01:21 AM
Oh my gosh, that's funny. I'm sorry for your pain, but FUNNY!!
In my house, Sallie Mae is evil simply because we are going to be paying her for the next 15 years...
Posted by: anne | November 11, 2007 at 08:05 AM
Been there done that! Your description is hilarious.
Posted by: Erica | November 11, 2007 at 08:58 AM
Hey, I used to be a Sallie Mae Actual Real Live person. Ah - the sweet, sweet memories of quickly realizing someone was not MY problem after all and transferring them into the Blue Nowhere. :-)
Anyway.... this past Friday, I was in Fembot Hell myself dealing with some medical stuff. Bah.
Posted by: cagey | November 11, 2007 at 09:31 AM
In the old days, we would have called this a Communist plot. These non-persons seemingly having control over our lives is very frustrating.
Posted by: mjd | November 11, 2007 at 08:05 PM
Our electric and gas company does that!
Posted by: Ree | November 12, 2007 at 09:07 AM
Oh, I have so been there. It completely bites! I really hope you can get it finished soon. Dealing with stuff like this really irritates me. (Sorry; if I were smarter I would make these into links but I don't know how...)
http://shinelikestars.blogspot.com/2005/01/customer-service.html -- That's my experience trying to consolidate my loans...and I was talking to an actual person. Pretty scary...
Posted by: Kathleen | November 12, 2007 at 12:50 PM
Oh my goodness, I freakin' hate those things! Did you ever actually get to talk to someone who COULD help you?!
Posted by: Christar | November 12, 2007 at 04:12 PM
Heh. Just reading this made me want to scream. I cannot stand automated phone stuff.
Posted by: Jen | November 14, 2007 at 09:44 PM
Great work.
Posted by: Lenka | October 28, 2008 at 07:31 AM