'Cuz I'm the queen of wishful thinking

FYI: Today's post is dedicated to Isabel, who's always on the ball when it comes to updating her many blogs. Isabel, you have my blessing to take the day off. I hear eating spinach dip can be a fulfilling way to pass the time.

Over the last few months, I've found myself constantly thanking God for all the good things in my life. Marrying Luke was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I'm reminded of that every day when he kneels down to tie my shoes, refills the prescription for my prenatal vitamins, flips load after load of dirty laundry, and understands when stress and fatigue wreck our weekend plans yet again. I can't remember the last time we took a walk through the park or visited an orchard or even did anything that wasn't related to preparing for this baby. Still, he refuses to complain. I think the man's incapable.

I'm thankful for a day job that allows me the option to work from home so I don't have to spend ten minutes rummaging through my closet for an ensemble that doesn't expose my belly. I have generous benefits and paid time off. And while I won't see a dime from my boss during my maternity leave, he's been completely supportive of me taking the maximum FMLA time in order to spend a few months focusing solely on motherhood. I'm thankful I earn enough to support my family so that Luke can be with our daughter full time.

I've been lucky to find additional work freelancing for Parents and adjunct teaching for my alma mater, which has allowed us to enjoy one last pre-baby vacation (a vacation that took place a lifetime ago, it seems), upgrade our living room furniture (my sister Samantha and her husband, Dan, can personally attest to the quality of our sleeper sofa), move into a two-bedroom apartment, pay off my car, and purchase hundreds of dollars worth of "must haves" for little Freka, all without running up our Visa bill.

I feel blessed to have such a supportive network of family and friends. I say prayers of gratitude for being able to conceive so quickly, sustain a healthy pregnancy, and receive quality medical care. I praise my daughter's insightfulness at arranging her birth to take place before the end of the year. Hello, tax credit!

It would be pretty hard for my life to get any better. I know this.

Yet, I see Samantha bask in the glory that comes along with thriving in a new work environment and I'm jealous. I watch my sister Ryan prepare to move to Germany with her new husband, imagine the adventures they'll have exploring a new country, and I foam at the mouth. I see my good friend delight in the comforts of her new home and succumb to violent bouts of house fever.

Luke and I are about to experience the biggest change of our lives. So why am I craving even more?

Maybe because it feels like I've been pregnant and anchored to this apartment for thirty-seven years. Maybe because the changes that accompany new jobs, new continents, and new houses seem easier to handle than those associated with a new baby. Maybe because all those things would have less of an affect on my identity than becoming a mom. I don't know.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to feel this way sometimes.

Comments

[Christar]

You're definitely not the only one. I think that no matter what we have, we'll never be 100% satisfied. I think I'm super blessed for everything I have in my life and the opportunity to go and get and education and prepare for a career I love, yet it gets so hard and I envy people that don't have to work and go to school and who don't struggle from pay check to pay check, and they are able to do it without going to school.

I think it's just a normal part of life. But you are certainly blessed and don't feel bad for wanting more... we all do. : )

[Bethany]

Not the only one!

I too have been having a case of the "want mores". And I have everything I need. Maybe it's hormonal?

[Michelle]

You definitely aren't the only one. I think baby or no baby, you tend to look around and wonder "what if....?" I have a great job, a great husband, a great house, but I'm looking at you going "ahhhh, can't wait to be pregnant!" It doesn't matter what you have. :)

That said, it's awesome that you can count your blessings as well and remember how lucky you are!

[Molly]

Most certainly, you are not alone. Remember early on in your pregnancy when a bout of baby fever whacked me upside the head? Yep, I'm so excited for you guys, knowing what's coming to you that I considered jumping on that train. (Possibly now I'm just too busy to think about it. We'll see how I feel when I hold your baby in my arms!!)

I understand exactly how you feel. Maybe witnessing the successes (and even failures) of our friends and family is what keeps us motivated.

[Isabel]

Yep...you're not alone.

Just reading your post made me jealous of all the good things you have. See, it works both ways!!

[Isabel]

Oh, and thank you so much for dedicating this post to me. It truly means a lot.

Go Frema!

(And yes, I wrote about TLF AGAIN in today's post.)

[eva]

Isabel IS amazing with her updates. So are you. And you are not alone...3 weeks and 3 days to go for me and I have a great job, great husband, great benefits, great house (with great big mortgage) even great pets and no car loan and I still want MORE or DIFFERENT whenever I start looking around and comparing myself to others. Acknowledging the many reasons you have to be thankful is a perfect, inspiring start...

[Erin]

You are absolutely not alone (as if the previous comments hadn't clued you in :-).
This year as all my friends are getting married I had a bout of jealousy as I watched them plan their weddings- even though I've already done that and am happily married! It doesn't have to make sense. I think as long as we remember what we're grateful for we can be inspired by what others' have or are doing as long as it inspires rather than making us miserable, right?

[Marriage-101]

The grass is always greener, isn't it?

It's human nature to never feel satisfied...at least not for very long. I sometimes think "ya know, if we didn't have this house, we could've had enough money to go to Europe by now. Hell, we could go twice a year if were just paying rent instead of this mortgage and all these bills."

I don't regret our decision at all, but thoughts like that occassionally enter my mind. It's natural.

[mjd]

Some of my best years are those that I spent at home with Luke and his brother. Yet, I was happy to return to work later on. I suppose there are regrets, but I guess we cannot have it all or do it all because there is not enough time or money. One of my regrets is not taking more vacations when our children were young. However, since you are married to Mr. Travelogue, that probably won't happen in your family.

[Kathleen]

You're definitely not the only one. I'm due about a month after you (Jan. 18) and am having many of the same conflicting feelings. I already love this baby to pieces, but I'm also scared to death of the changes he/she will bring to our lives -- our comfortable, fun, mostly enjoyable lives. I think that, at least for me, what you said is true: the changes associated with being a parent are far more daunting than, say, buying a house. You can always sell the house (perhaps even at a profit) but you're stuck with the baby for life, you know?

And also, ditto some of the others about how humans just aren't ever satisfied. True contentment is extremely rare, especially in our culture where we're fed messages telling us to want more, do more, be more.

Anyway, no great insight, just a long rambly comment to let you know that I'm right there with you.

[Jana]

Phew! Now I know I'm normal! I was so excited to get our vehicles paid off early (2 and 3 years early!!), but now, It'd be nice to have a bigger car. I love my house and my note is managable and I get to stay home, BUT there is so much I still want to to do...NOW, not later. I'm so impatient.
PS. Just so you know, You inspired me to put us on a budget. A while back you talked about spreadsheets and such. Now we have one, get excited about bills, saving money for Ryan and Christmas and emergency fund! THANK YOU!

[andrea]

De-lurking to say, I hear you sister! I love my life now. I am so lucky that I get to stay home full time with my amazing one year old, but I still look at my friends with careers and travel opportunites and hot dates, and sometimes think, wouldn't that be nice. I often feel so bad for wanting so much more when I should be thankful for what I have, but that is just human nature at it finest.

Love reading your blog, so excited for you to have this baby!

[Michelle Z]

I feel like I've been a parent my whole life and it's so much a part of me, I wonder who I would be if the kids aren't around.

And I would sell a kidney, just for the nap I think I would get when I go into surgery. Do you think there's a category for that on Craig's list?

I haven't showered in three days. And my in-laws were here all afternoon.

My brother just got home from Spain - Germany - Italy, and is going to Hawaii in January. I'll be snowed in by then. Europe is a place on a map to me - a puzzle of a map that I'll step on 12 more times tomorrow.

But I STILL wouldn't trade in my kids for the world!

[Bunny]

You are not the only one and I think it may also be that your decision is made, essentially. (I mean this in the best way possible) You will not decide to live abroad in the next few years, you will probably not make a huge housing change, you will stick with your current job for a while. You have made your decision with the baby and while that is wonderful! amazing! exciting! it still means there are other things you are not doing. Does that make sense? I look at girlfriends of mine who have incredible careers and fabulous clothes and eat in expensive restaurants and travel all over the world and I sit here in my plain old house back in the town where we grew up eating regular old dinners and putting kids to bed at night. It's a different life and I wish sometimes that I had a little bit of what they have, but when all is said and done, I have an amazing family. And that is better to me than anything else. Ever.

[Liz]

You're not alone. Despite my wonderful life, I catch myself thinking, "Oh, if only!" What works for me is remembering how much I would miss the things I do have if they were suddenly taken from me: my wonderful marriage, a good job, good health. I can almost guarantee that even as you admire/envy the lives of those around you, someone is peering at this bloggy glimpse of your life and thinking, wow. I wish I had such a loving husband... I wish I was that smart and funny...I wish I could get pregnant...I wish, I wish, I wish.

[Becca]

You are certainly not the only one. There are so many interesting things you can choose for your life and I think it's normal to feel the way you are feeling. I have to remind myself not to stare at the well dressed mamas dropping their little ones off at Charlie's daycare, jealous of their professional clothes and important jobs where they make money. But then I remember how happy I am that my "job" allows me to be with Charlie two full days a week and every afternoon.

[Jess]

I have days when I look at my two, perfect children, and think: how in the hell did I get here? And what happened to the interesting life I was supposed to have? Travel? House? More education?????

Yeah, I go there too. It's normal.

[Operation Pink Herring]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No. You are not the only one. I envy my friend who is a lawyer because she has a real career. I envy my single friends because they have great stories about horrible dates. I envy my friend who is a full time grad student because she doesn't have to deal with office BS. I don't want to be a lawyer, or go on bad dates, or be a broke grad student.... but it all just sounds so much more exciting than my life sometimes.

[Rachel]

You are definitely not alone. Having a baby is probably the most life-changing thing that can happen to you. It completely changes who you are, how you think, what you do, etc. It's normal to want the excitement that comes with buying a new house or starting a new job. But, having a baby does not mean that stuff will never happen. It just makes it more exciting.