Frageelay

Nice of me to post again before 2008, eh?

I wasn't lying in my last post; things are much better, but it's still overwhelming, trying to work your schedule around a tiny human being who eats and relieves herself every couple of hours and doesn't much care for being out of your arms. Plus, I don't know if it's postpartum hormones or just a natural reaction to this huge change that's happened to our lives, but I find myself weepier than ever. Kara's umbilical cord stump fell off the day after Christmas, and Luke and I were relieved to not have to manuever around it during diaper changings. Once she was cleaned up, I said to her, "That's what connected you to Mommy all those months," and the next thing you know I was crying into my hands. Suddenly it felt like things were moving too fast, she was growing up too quickly, and I was scolding myself for doing things like wiping down the toilet or attempting to update this blog when I could've been banking precious snuggle time with this little person who would one day refuse the comfort I can so easily offer her now. I had the same epiphany the following afternoon after rocking her to sleep. Luke came into her bedroom and found my eyes dripping all over my poor baby's head.

I've never felt so vulnerable or been so paranoid as I have since Kara's been born. When Ryan came to visit for Christmas, I had to be the one to transfer the baby from the bassinet to her auntie's waiting arms, even though my sister is almost twenty-two years old and perfectly capable of picking up a newborn all by herself. I forget to offer her to visitors because I'm having such a good time holding her myself. It breaks my heart to hear her cry, even if her only grievance is the too-cold touch of a diaper wipe. Hell, I'm even afraid to leave the house without her, not because I don't trust Luke wholeheartedly but because I know how much I'll miss her.

I haven't been this afraid of love for years, not since Luke and I first started dating. But this...there are no words to describe what it feels like to love your own child. You know that saying, "It's different when it's your kid"? It really, really is.

Speaking of cliches, there's a second one that's also rung true for me, and it relates specifically to my breastfeeding struggles: "You have to do what's best for your family." And for this family, the best thing has been to stop trying to breastfeed. Kara is still getting my boob juice, mind you, as I pump every two to three hours, but I haven't put her on the breast since the wee hours of Christmas Eve.

I read that last sentence and feel like I should feel like a failure. I'm well aware the initial weeks of breastfeeding are a learning period for both mom and baby, and things probably would've gotten better if I'd kept at it. Throwing in the towel after seven days doesn't seem like I gave it much of a chance, especially when I think about how passionate I was about trying to make this work.

Then I reflect on the hours I spent crying because I couldn't get Kara to latch, because she'd take my nipple just long enough to spit it back out, because her gums would bear down hard on my aerolas, and I think there were a lot of minutes in those seven days where both of us were miserable, and I'm slowly finding out that more often than not, it's the passing of each of those minutes that ends up wearing you down. Ironically, the days go by much, much faster.

Anyway, even though it's more work for me, what with having to pump and bottlefeed, this new plan overall has been much more manageable. We're still supplementing with formula because I'm only producing about an ounce and a half during each pumping session, but I feel good that she's getting all the milk I have to give. We have our two-week well-baby visit in a couple of hours, so we'll check on her weight then, but I already know we have a happy, healthy baby, and truly, that's all that matters to me now.

As we make our way into a new year, I've been struck with how content I am, despite the wild card hand of emotions I'm wrapped up in. For the first time, I have no list of improvements to work on, no major goals to accomplish. All I can think about is how lucky I am, how complete I feel, and how wrong it would be to want for anything when I've clearly been given so much already. If Luke and I never leave this apartment, if I never finish those damn photo projects, if I never get more than three hours of sleep in a row ever again, I'll still consider myself the happiest woman on Earth.

Comments

[Lindsey]

I can tell how happy you are just from the photos! Not having been through it, I can't even fathom how you are feeling, but you make me so excited to one day start a family of my own!

[AD]

You are not a failure! Formula has come a long way and is very nutritional. Just don't give her jello water (Thanks mom!).
and wait it gets better.....you start crying over stupid commercials.
She is soooo beautiful!
Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!
Love AD

[Kelly]

You hit the nail right on the head... it truly is important to think about what is best for your family!

Bravo for you for keeping up with pumping... that's tough! You all look wonderful and that little girl is precious!

[Hilary]

I have nothing to add to that post. You said it all. You sound like you are in a good place. Stay there. Continue to adjust. It really does get easier (which also means better!) with each day.
You all are just the cutest little family ever. You really are.

[Katie]

You look so happy :-) I love that picture of you and Kara in the rocking chair - so sweet!

[Becca]

You guys are a beautiful family! Your feelings of overwhelming love, weepiness, and paranoia are TOTALLY normal. I was afraid to leave the house as well. "Afraid to love" was a very apt description of what I felt too. It gets better!! I once hid in the nursery holding Charlie and crying because I had convinced myself that if I came out, my MIL would take Charlie and not let me have him back.

About the breastfeeding--most mothers and babies have a couple of months to sort out breastfeeding before the baby is as big and requires as much food as Kara. You're doing a GREAT job.

[Nichole]

Kara is gorgeous, and I know just what you mean about ... oh, everything you mentioned in this post. I started keeping a list of things that made me cry on the sidebar of my Web site a few weeks after our son was born. It's pretty amusing in retrospect.

[H]

What a wonderfully honest post. And you look so happy holding your sweet baby girl!

Yep - you have to do what's best for your family and that's exactly what you're doing. Kudos to you for being able to recognize it!

Wishing you the sweetest New Year filled with great adventures in love and parenting!

[Dorie]

You guys are doing great. And you look so very happy. I think she looks a lot like her mommy. Keep your chin up.

[daddy d]

Sounds all so right to me. You know how to do it all. Kara is moving right along. The best to your family.

Happy New Year.

[Liz]

100% Normal. All those tears, thoughts, feelings... reading this post reminds me of exactly how I felt after my first was born.

Don't sweat breastfeeding. Kara will be just as healthy & smart as everyone else. Besides, that is just the first thing people like to scare you about. Then it's are you stimulating enough? Are you over-stimulating? Are they watching too much TV? What if a nugget of non-organic food passes their lips? Will this school be good enough? I have to (insert nurturing verb here) so that my child will grow up to be (insert character trait here).

My only advice is to not take advice too seriously. We live in a climate of much over analyzing and subsequent NEUROSIS especially when parenting is concerned. Harden yourself to it, because everyone thinks they have the "big answer" or the "right way" and they love to let you know it.

Your beautiful girl is an individual & she will pick up your goodness while adding a dash of whoever she is going to turn out to be, which she will do all on her own. There are a lot of factors you just can't control.

Blessings upon you & your family - I want to pluck that baby out of the computer & squeeze her. What a cutie.

-
A total stranger (but here's my blog link so you don't feel weird about that)
http://myothercar.blogspot.com/

[Ree]

Oh mah word, those cheeks! Pinch them for me, please!

[Stacey]

You just totally spoke to my heart...that is EXACTLY what I felt like after all my children were born. What a great post. Delaney is almost 5 months old, and I just stopped with the random sobbing about a month ago, damn hormones. Now my hair is falling out. Good times! And I think I already said this in another comment, but pumping / bottlefeeding is what we did for four months and it worked great. You guys all look beautiful.

[Ashley & Family]

Wow! Your family is sooo adorable. This is such an overwhelming time also an amazing one - no one could ever prepare me for the emotions I felt when I became a mother ... all of that, the way you feel, I still felt like that with my fifth - it's a wonderfully awesome thing :)

[Amanda]

It strikes me how similar the first couple of weeks with our first child have been. With my first I had big plans of a drug free birth followed by no less than a year of blissful breastfeeding. Then I heard the words "breech" and "c-section," and shortly after she was born began the "she won't latch on" battle. I spent the first two weeks of her life so uptight and beating myself up because, in my sleep deprived perception, my body was failing me in the most basic ways. At two weeks though, through much support of my husband, we made the decision to formula feed. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I was still sad that my dreams of nursing didn't work out quite the way I wanted, but for the first time I was able to really enjoy my newborn (plus get some additional sleep when daddy so selfishly took the night shift!).

With my second we tried breastfeeding with the same latch-on problems, but I went in with a different attitude and was able to provide breast milk exclusively for the firs three months. I kicked that pump's ass. =) There are herbal supplements out there that help boost your milk suppy (fenugreek, I think?), and kellymom.com had an unbelievable amount of support and answers to my exclusive pumping questions. My best assvice is to stay rested, drink lots of water, and pump as much as you can to establish/increase your supply.

Kara is just beautiful. Those cheeks and that hair - so precious. There's no question you're doing a fantastic job, and every emotion you're experiencing is totally normal. Enjoy every minute with her.

[Kellie]

Everything you feel is so normal and I remember it like I went through it yesterday rather than almost two years ago.

She is SO gorgeuos!! So alert :) You look beautiful....so happy and content and cute!

Beautiful family picture!

[Katie]

You look fabulous! What a beautiful family the three of you are.

[Marriage-101]

Look at you guys in your matching shirts! Kara is so adorable...and look at all that hair!

Oh, and don't fret about the breast/bottle feeding issue. I would do the exact same thing. As long as your baby is getting the nutrients she needs to be healthy, that's all that matters.

[Kristabella]

She's clearly a very happy baby, so whatever you are doing, I say keep doing it!

[Rachel]

I loved this post. I can 100% identify with it and I am so happy for you guys!

[Carrisa]

Did you know your husband has the best smile ever?

And baby Kara is definitely her momma's child. Just look at that face! There is no denying who she looks like.

xo

[Liz]

oh my goodness, you look so beautiful and content and so natural holding that beautiful baby girl of yours. look at you: RADIANT!

and, um, carria's right. that girl is ALL YOU! (and luke totally has a great smile, too)

love and hugs for you all to send you into the new year with dreams and smiles and lots of naps.

[Molly]

So glad to see all is well. I love that picture of you and Kara. So very sweet. (All of them really. I've been back three times to gush.)

[Jen]

woohoo, pictures of you and the baby! yay :)

I'm sorry to hear that you've had the same kind of breastfeeding frustrations that I did. It SUCKED (no pun intended, ha!) Good luck with the pumping!! And I hope you can get some more sleep soon :)

[Joanne]

I had a big giant baby and didn't supplement but I wish I had. When he was four months old he stopped nursing during the day and I pumped for four more months and it was murder. You sound like you are really getting happy and settled with your decision, but in case you have moments of doubt, just think about how you and Luke can share the feeding duty and how much easier that will be. She is gorgeous and you look gorgeous too!

[SJ]

Awww, so amazingly sweet. Every bit of it. I'm so glad that things are working out well for you guys, you have a great looking family.

Happy New Years! Things are only going to get better.

[Pam]

I remember telling my mom after my first son was born that I was "wasting" so much time just holding him and not getting anything else "accomplished". She told me that it was never wasted time holding your baby and that was enough of an accomplishment on its own. So, I gave up showering, laundry, and cleaning for months on end! :)

[ambitiousmrs]

Feeling emotional is sooooooo normal. I cried at least once a day for at least three weeks after my daughter was born. Telling people again about her birth or any number of things got me going!

[mjd]

And you will get more than three hours of sleep someday soon and be the happiest woman on Earth. Happy New Year to you, Luke, and sweet baby Kara.

[Erica]

Happy New Year! You have a beautiful family.

[Kristin]

Good for you to committing to pump! Kara will still get mom's best, and now Luke gets to join in the fun. Here is a link to a blog I just read about a lady to pumped exclusively after having difficulty at the breast. Hope it gives you a boost! http://breastfeeding.blog.motherwear.com/ (look for the 12/31/07 post)

[Katie]

Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! I went through similar breastfeeding issues with my son, who is now 6 months old, and ultimately decided to bottle feed. He's as happy and healthy as any baby and I'm about a million times happier. Crying all over him while he tried to nurse was not good for either of us. Like you, I was so committed to breastfeeding, but it just doesn't work sometimes. Hang in there - you're doing wonderful. Happy New Year!

[Elizabeth]

You three are the cutest!
I'm glad things are working out for you in the feeding department.
I just thought to myself today that my first two boys got breast milk and this third one has had none, and will have none. I was sad for a couple of seconds, but quickly moved on because it is best for us right here, right now. And that thinking has kept us sane!

(and I'm still marveling over her hair! it's gorgeous)

[Jen]

You look FANTASTIC! Kara is a natural beauty. It's so nice, after all those months of reading about your pregnancy, to see her cuddled up in your arms. Our little one's due in a couple of weeks and I can't wait to do the same thing! Happy New Year to your sweet family.

[Isabel]

I love this post. After I had Babboo I was all "it's true what they say about loving your own kid". Because, yeah...it's true.

Kara's perfect. If you don't have time to post actual words, I'd be happy with just more pictures!

[Leigh R.]

Such a beautiful baby! It sounds like things are all normal in your house--the "new" normal, that is! Life with a newborn isn't something that can be explained, it just has to be lived to be believed.

I pumped with my first, too; she never latched on. I'd recommend renting a hospital pump, if you haven't already. I was able to pump more with that than with any other, and it was only about $50/month.

Thanks for letting me fill in over at Parents.com; it was an honor. Keep hanging in there--you're doing great!!

[carrster]

Amen to everything...once again it's like reading something I've written. You look fantastic in the photos - as does your whole happy family.

Happy New Year!

[Roxanne]

I just can't get over the cuteness of your family. :)

And just think of it this way, you're all set for when you go back to work (sorry, I didn't mean to mention that this early). You've got the pumping thing down already!

[Cazzie]

What planet have I been on? I keep thinking of you but haven't actually visited in ages. I was like, "Well, Frema must have had her baby by now". How wonderful, a little Princess for you and Luke to cuddle and kiss....I have read backa few posts and I am so proud of you both. What a wonderful time it is. My baby is now 4, time has flown, she goes to school this year..she will be 5 in March...oh wow :)

[Trilby]

You guys just all look so happy. I hope that you have a happy and safe 2008! Kara is beautiful!

[cpa mom]

and that my friend, is what makes you a true blue mom. and a damn good one. thank you for the pictures. I doubt I would have kept up with a blog with a newborn!

p.s. I was only able to make 1 oz a DAY so you ROCK

[Redneck Diva]

When my niece was a week or so old, my mother walked into the living room to find my sister bawling her head off while rocking the baby. Mom thought something was wrong and when Sis finally could stop hup-hupping enough to speak, she bellowed out, "What if no one asks her to the prom???"

I don't remember any pre-Prom anxiety, but those Kodak commercials get me every time...and diapers...cruise lines...bottled water...investment banking...