Fumbling towards ecstasy

Not that you could ever get tired of seeing photos of me in all my bedridden glory, but it's finally time to give the (very patient) Internet a quick update on life in the Frema-Useless Clutter household.

First of all, thank you all so much for the wonderful comments you've left here these last few days. As you know, it took a little bit of coaxing for my firstborn daughter to enter the world, and it wasn't until Thursday night that Luke, Kara, and I came home from the hospital. I finally had a chance to read through them yesterday, and it truly warmed my heart to see how happy everyone is for my newly expanded family.

We're doing OK. This whole week has been one big rollercoaster of emotions, thanks to my first bout with major surgery, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding snags, and postpartum hormones. Luckily, we've had access to a wonderful medical team and an electric breast pump, though Luke and I are spending one hour out of every two preparing bottles, entertaining Kara to keep her awake long enough to eat, and sneaking in a bit of sleep ourselves.

(By the way, say hello to Ameda, my new BFF. She's a bit of a loudmouth but overall quite respectful of my nipples. Definitely a plus with any girlfriend.)

(Also, please no assvice, well-meaning or not, about our decision to supplement, unless you're our pediatrician, in which case, we got our first dirty diaper last night since Wednesday, thank you so much for all the time you spent with me on the phone yesterday.)

Some of the highlights of my week--the good, the bad, and the ugly--in bullet form. You're smart enough to discern which is which.

• Enjoying a final dinner out on Sunday to bid farewell to our carefree, DINKy lives
• Thinking about the next morning's induction later that night
• Learning that my sister Samantha and Molly would be with Luke and me at the hospital
• Deciding to get the epidural. I went comfortably without for a good five hours, but hot damn, did I need that epidural
• Being told about my likeliness for a c-section
• Sobbing uncontrollably when the doctors pulled the baby out and I heard her cry
• Feeling her skin on mine and watching her face when she nursed for the first time
• Eating lunch on Tuesday after thirty hours of nothing but ice chips and Lifesavers
• Devouring seventy billion strawberry shakes courtesy of the hospital's all-hours room service, which made the best deli sandwiches I've ever had
• Trying to pee after my catheter was removed
• Learning that all of Kara's meconium had passed by Wednesday afternoon (warning: there's a picture of it on that link)
• Spending seven hours on Wednesday night trying to console a very hungry daughter with my breasts and having her repeatedly spit me out before tearfully deciding to supplement with formula
• Spending the following five hours unable to calm myself to the point where I almost couldn't breathe
• Allowing a lactation consultant to aggressively jam a handful of my boob into the baby's mouth
• Seeing Kara in her coming-home outfit
• Coming home
• Luke's changing diaper after diaper with no hint of poop
• Taking my first shower, which didn't go down until Friday morning
• WEARING NON-PREGNANT SHIRTS, OH MY GOD
• Coughing, laughing, sneezing
• Snuggling my baby in my mother's rocking chair
• Having Kara spit me out again and again late Friday night and feeling in my heart that the decrease in her wet and dirty diaper count was due to my inability to properly latch her on
• Frantically trying to work the breast pump while Luke fed Kara formula
• Mastering the pump later that morning
• Talking to our pediatrician on Saturday afternoon and not remembering what day it was
• Hearing Luke cry "Good girl!" upon finding that magical poop Saturday night
• Watching my husband in action with the baby we made together and seeing him take such good care of me
• Knowing we'd all be OK in the end

Right now, I'm in a good place, taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too ahead of myself in terms of goal setting. Kara is thriving. Kara is beautiful. Kara is so wonderful she makes my heart hurt with love. That's all that matters.

That and baby pictures.

Comments

[Katie]

Oh my gosh, she is so beautiful! Look at all of her wonderful hair! So happy to hear that you're doing OK and that you're all in a good place. I loved your second to last bullet point; we don't have any children yet but I can't wait to see my husband with our baby. It has to be one of the most perfect sights in the world. Merry Christmas to you and your lovely little family!

[Katie]

Woohoo! I was getting worried - I figured you were probably just busy and I was hoping there was nothing wrong keeping you from posting :-)

She looks just like you! Even in that first picture Molly posted, here eyes look so much like you. I know exactly how you feel about her - my heart feels like it might explode with joy when I hold my little baby. My husband brings the baby to me at work every day, and I feel a palpable wave of joy and physical relief when I pick him up after being apart for a few hours.

Despite my rants the past 9 months, I can *totally* understand the desire for an epidural. TOTALLY.

And as for the supplementing - I'm passionate about breastfeeding, but clearly you are doing what is best for Kara. Having her end up right back at the hospital dehydrated and too weak to eat would NOT be worth it. I support you in doing what you need to do to keep both of you healthy and safe :-) I hope this comes across 100% as support instead of advice :-)

Sending good healing vibes!!

[Jen]

I am so happy to hear from you finally!!! I remember that first week, what a rollercoaster. I hope the breastfeeding gets easier for you, it's definitely the hardest thing about newborns. (ps- supplementing is OKAY!)

[Professor Art Nerd]

Congratulations on successfully birthing one of the most beautiful babies, like, ever. And on the dirty diaper (someday, I bet that'll sound funny.) And on, it seems, falling in love with your husband all over again.

[Katie]

Am I allowed to give advice about the Ameda? That is the pump I recommended and the one I own. I used it 1-2 times per day for 14 months with my first baby, and I've used it once per day the past 3 months. It is still working perfectly. But when I got it, and read the reviews, several people said that their motors had pooped out, especially if they were using it a lot. (I had no choice in which one I got; I got mine for free from WIC 4 years ago.) Clearly that has not been my experience, but I only use mine once a day at work. If you're pumping every couple of hours, you may want to have an extra base/motor on hand, just for peace of mind.

[Jessi]

I can't express my congratulations enough - she is absolutely beautiful! Have a great Christmas and New Year, Frema family!

[Molly]

Awww look at her little face!!! Please know I'm oozing beautiful baby vibes over here, and I can't wait to see you guys again. She's beautiful, just like her mama. :o)

[Lindsey]

So great to hear an update from you! Your little Kara is absolutely beautiful. You are doing everything that is right for you and your child, so don't ever doubt yourself. You are an amazing mommy already! I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas!

[Nic]

Look at that hair! She's beautiful! It certainly has been a week of ups and downs, but look at that sweet, sweet babe because the downs are merely blips on the radar.

I do have assvise regarding the sneezing laughing and coughing, as lovely as they are. I had ovarian surgery that left me with a vertical c-section incision. Send someone to Target to get the fake spanx in a larger size. They'll help to support all of your insides so you don't feel like they're falling out and also, hurting like a mofo. Once you're up and around get a size closer to one you'd regularly wear and you won't feel like you have to hold everything in.

[Marilyn]

Take it easy on yourself. These early days are all about adjusting to one another and learning what it takes to make it through in one piece. If it works, don't question it. ;) My second was born so tiny and when he had trouble breastfeeding, I actually got a hospital pump in my room (since I was there for several days with a c-section as well) and I thank that pump because by the time we did leave the hospital, I was able to pump enough to feed him without having to use formula as well (though I did the first couple of days). But formula isn't the end of the world. And when my son still wouldn't breastfeed (had a tongue tie, turns out), I kept pumping and did it for 10 freakin' months. My pump was DEFINITELY my bff. :)

She's a beautiful girl. Look at that hair! And those cheeks! You're a lucky lady, I can't wait to hear more!

[Sara]

Congratulations to you and your family! No matter how it all comes together, the most important part is feeling healthy and happy. Here's to healing quickly -- and simply enjoying the time together.

[Joanne]

No advice but congratulations. It is so freaking crazy in the beginning, add in a c-section and breastfeeding snags (which everyone has, they're all just different), and it's crazy making! Hang in there, try and get some sleep whenever/however you can. I will say I liked to hold a small, firm pillow up against my incision when I tried to get up or down or sneeze or laugh or anything. That gets better every day. Also Lansinoh! It's not just for breastfeeding (but for the pump too) anymore! Good luck! And also ooh I wish I knew where you delivered, those sandwiches sound so great!

[H]

Thanks for the update - I'm sure it hasn't been easy finding time in between loving up and caring for sweet little Kara and trying to take it easy and care for yourself as you recover.

You're doing everything *just right* for your family and that's all that matters.

Congratulations again. Kara is so beautiful and I'm sure you'll savor this first Christmas as a family.

[Kathleen]

Oh, she is so beautiful! Congratulations again.

I've been obsessively checking all week, looking for an update, but knowing in the back of my mind that you have way more important things to worry about than the Interwebs.

You'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you get used to being a mom!

[Becca]

"Coughing, laughing, sneezing."

Ow, ow, and ow! I hope you feel better soon.

She's absolutely georgous!

She's gonna love that crib aquarium. I can't tell you the number of times I've woken up to that thing.

[valeta]

Congrats on your beautiful healthy baby. She is wonderful. :D

[auntie betty]

i just want to eat those cheeks .

[Erica]

She is beautiful! What an amazing and wonderful Christmas present. Have a great holiday. Congratulations.

[Jenny]

I didn't know if you'd post during the weekend, but thought I would check it out and glad I did.

My heart goes out to you for your times of "bad and ugly" this week. I'm sure it will all get better.

As for the "good," I'm sure it could not get any better! I love her hair and her cheeks and everything! Congratulations again! Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas!

[Rachel]

I was getting worried for a minute that there were going to be no baby pics in that post! Whew!

She is just absolutely gorgeous!!! Again, I am so happy for you and Luke!

When you end up having a c-section, it takes longer for your milk to come in too. That could be a reason that Kara (beautiful name by the way) wasn't wanting to nurse. DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad for supplementing. Kara's health absolutely comes first. I am glad you guys are home and getting all settled in and I can't wait for more!!

[Emmakirsten]

What a gorgeous little girl, I can't believe all that hair!

Nursing isn't the easiest thing on earth and don't feel bad whatsoever for supplementing, Kara's what's most important. I've gone through the same thing when I nursed my first.

So glad all is going well at home :)

[Fraulein N]

Very happy to hear that everybody's doing well. Also happy to see more pictures of Her Preciousness.

[Audrey]

That's a lotta hair! She's so beautiful, Bree. Congratulations again to you and Luke. May things continue to be better and better with every passing day.

[Liz]

*sigh*

Beautiful post. Beautiful family.
Beautiful Mommy.

(And holy crap is that girl a looker! You and Luke made a good lookin' girl. Well done!)

[Lizarita]

Typing through tears...she is BEAUTIFUL...you guys are TRULY BLESSED!! I love you all. Give that baby a kiss from me!

[Summer]

OMG look at all that hair! She is so cute! Congrats... You did a great job! Good luck in everything!

[Grandma Molly]

Your sweet baby is beautiful. I can't wait to hold her again. You are the best at "taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too ahead of myself in terms of goal setting."

[Erika]

FREMA! She's so perfect! I can't believe how much I've missed "hearing" from you. In that newborn stage I just kept repeating "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" and it worked. (oh, that and sobbing gratefully when Train handed me the remote when asked)

[Jackie]

OMG! That hair! Those eyes! I want to squeeze those cheeks!

Congrats to you and Luke! I can't wait to meet her in person!

[daddy dd]

I can see development in just those three pictures. She is coming right along. Good job with all your baby work.

[Kellie]

She's GORGEOUS!! I remember the early days (hard to believe it was two years ago) and all the feelings you've described.

Morgan was formula fed from the first feeding. I wanted to breastfeed, but I knew if I had struggles with it, it'd send me downhill and cause frustration and I'd feel like I sucked. To avoid it, I didn't even attempt. I didn't (and still don't) care what anyone said or thought about that. Neither should you.

Horray for the first poop!!

Again, congrats to all of you--she's absolutely perfect!

[Stacey]

Oh, she is just so deliciously adorable! I remember so well those first days, weeks, and months with my first baby, and have been wondering how you are feeling / doing. So glad to hear an update from you and see that you've still got your positive attitude. Isn't it the most amazing thing to just stare at her and try to wrap your head around the fact that you MADE HER?!?

And damn, I hope this isn't assvice (screw it, it probably is, but hey! Welcome to the mommy club!), but I agree with the person way up above who said to have an extra motor, etc. on hand (or at least a cheap hand operated pump) - I say that because I breastfed Delaney for the first 2 months, and have spent the last 2 exclusively pumping and giving it to her in a bottle, and there is nothing like putting your overfull ta-ta's to the pumping cups, who are overjoyed at the prospect of RELEASE, and finding that the pump WON'T TURN ON and you don't know why. That makes for very unhappy boobies, which I learned the hard way!

[Kristabella]

She is adorable! And all that hair!

Congrats on your new addition! Sounds like a very exciting week! And I'm sure it will only get more exciting!

[Kelly]

Spittin' image of her mama! :)

[Keri]

She is very very beautiful.

No assvice here You have to do what is best for your daughter. I was unable to nurse my 2nd (after a csection). Its very humbling not to be able to do what you have your mind set on, so don't beat yourself up for having to supplement. I have been where you are & understand.

Merry Christmas to your new family.

All my best,
Your virtual friend & reader
Keri

[Hilary]

Oh holy baby fever!
Never before have I so wanted to reach through a computer screen and snuggle up to a baby. She is just the sweetest thing.
Isn't it so fabulous (and scary) to be so in love with something.
You're doing great mom (and dad)! Hang in there.

[wilddreemer]

wait a minute your hospital brought you strawberry shakes at all hours, i hate you a little, mine brought me grilled cheese melted onto the Styrofoam plate (i spelled that styraphome the first time). also the first pee after the catheter..i still want to punch that nurse in the face because she wouldn't stop WATCHING me pee!

[Jess]

When my daughter was born, she wouldn't latch on. I tried everything...herbs, pumping, lactation consult after consult, La Leche League peoples, dances at midnight...but she never did latch. Ten days after birth, she having lost two full pounds, I gave up. Grieved the loss of my breastfeeding dreams, and did formula. Three days later, and about 20 beautifully wet diapers, and we were happy. She was happy. Full. Not hungry.
All the tears dried up for me, because I realized that my daughter was mine, happy, and extremely loved. I stopped beating myself up, and enjoyed her.

Now she's four, and she's reading. On her own. She says things like "It's very difficult, mom." She's never had an ear infection, and never been on antibiotics. Ever. And she's in preschool, a fount of germy nastiness.

My point is...Kara will be okay, no matter if you breastfeed exlusively or supplement. Don't beat yourself up. I did, until I finally stopped, and it made things so much more fun.

When my son was born a year later, he latched beautifully. Ate like a champ. And I still supplemented. Because it was a little easier for me. Now he's three, and he's healthy too. Smart.

All the things they say about breastfeeding and formula are only statistics. It's about you as a parent.

Oh my....I'm so sorry I preached. I just want to offer encouragement, and support, and to say I've been there. And it will turn out okay.

[Christar]

She is SO cute! And you can definitely tell she was an 11 pounder! She is so big! So adorable!
Merry Christmas! You guys got the best present. :)

[carrster]

Wow - reading your list is like reading something I've written this week! Who knew there'd be such a, I don't know, time-warpish feeling to this first week at home with a newborn.

I hear you on all the breast feeding, supplementing, pumping issues...it's not easy! And it's such a mindf**k too! Ay yi yi. Hopefully it'll all get better with time.

Your girl is adorable. Those cheeks are absolutely edible and I love her hair!!!

[Isabel]

I just wanted to say WELCOME HOME and CONGRATULATIONS to all of you guys. You deserve it.

Oh...and she's prefect. Just perfect.

Merry Christmas!

[Operation Pink Herring]

I usually can't see infant-mother resemblances, but holy cow: she looks EXACTLY LIKE YOU! She is beautiful.

[SJ]

Oh you guys, she's beautiful! I'm so glad that you are all home safe and settling into your life as parents. It's blissful, isn't it!?

Merry Christmas to you and your family. What a special gift you have been given.

[HollowSquirrel]

OMG she's squeezable...and the only assvice I was going to give is to post pictures, which HELLO, you did! :) Here's to happy first days & the best Christmas for you and Luke EVER! :)

[K]

Thanks for the much-anticipated photos. She is such a cutie! As a few others have mentioned, she REALLY looks like you!

[Kayte]

I think that if I were you, I would be super unproductive ALL of the time because all I would be doing is staring at that beautiful little baby girl. She is GORGEOUS. Merry Christmas to you and your family :)

[Brie]

Congratulations, welcome home! Welcome back to da interweb! We missed you!
Merry Christmas with the best present ever!

[cpa mom]

"Kara is thriving. Kara is beautiful. Kara is so wonderful she makes my heart hurt with love. That's all that matters."

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!! No one can sit in judgment on a mom on how she feeds her baby, no one. I've been there, crying in frustration and you are doing everything exactly right. Your baby is beautiful and thriving! I'm so proud of you all.

[Cameron]

Congratulations! What a beautiful family you have.

[Jen]

What a pretty girl! I love her hair. I am so glad you put a link to meconium on here. My husband has been obsessed with it since we talked about it in our newborn care class, so it was nice to have a picture to show him. ;) Glad you're enjoying mommyhood--we all knew you'd be great at it! Take care.

[AD]

She is beautiful and I love the chub cheeks! Can't wait to hold her!
Love AD

[Steph T.]

Kara is adorable and I'm glad the pump is working out for you.

[Elizabeth]

I'm so behind on my reading! Welcome home to all of you... and look at all that hair! She's beautiful.

My BIL's wife nurses and pumps and it works for her. So I say, whatever works for you is best for you and the baby.