142.8

It's amazing how relative life can be. For example, before I got pregnant, the number listed in this entry's title would've been reason enough to hole up in the bathroom and have a good cry, because for my height and frame, it would've pushed me out of all the pants I owned and categorized me as overweight. Now, though, exactly one month after delivering my first baby, seeing 142.8 on the scale makes me breathe a sigh of relief, because it means I've lost all but five pounds of my pregnancy weight. It means I can fit into my tee-shirts again, and my pajama pants, and my bras. It means for the first time since March, I physically feel like myself again.

For several days after my c-section, I was a mess. Stomach ballooned to the size of a volleyball, face and upper body holding enough water to quench the thirst of a high school chess team. (What? Those guys need fluids, too.) Looking at pictures taken during that first week actually make me cringe, because I barely recognize myself, so the fact that I'm posting one here is proof of just how much I love you all. I'm nothing if not about the honesty.

I'm not sure how it happened--a combination of pumping, baby bouncing, and eating small meals faster than the speed of light, probably--but it wasn't long before my uterus began to deflate, my double chin disappeared, and my cheeks stopped fashioning themselves after Alvin and the Chipmunks. I feel very lucky to have lost the bulk of my baby luggage so quickly, and even though I have yet to pull out my pre-maternity clothing, even though there's no way my current ass will make its way into my New York and Company jeans, and even though my stomach looks more like a plate of corned beef hash than my favorite banana pancake, you won't hear me complaining. I'm well aware that some women have a much harder time.

But there are still miles to go before I can call myself healthy.

Those of you who've been following me since my pre-baby days will remember my on-again, off-again quest to lose weight and get back to somewhere within a hundred and twenty-something pounds. You'll remember my successful bout with Weight Watchers almost four years ago, and how I fell off the point-counting wagon, and how in 2006 I started (read: stole from another fellow blogger) Weight Loss Wednesday to monitor my progress. You'll remember how the scale always seemed to fluctuate between the same five-pound range because I was never motivated enough to keep away from that damn (yet delicious, I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it) Ben and Jerry's. Truth be told, I was never THAT concerned, because I wasn't THAT overweight, and I could still shop at my favorite stores without wandering into the plus sizes, and there was plenty of time to get down to a respectable number. Really, if I wanted to, I could ditch that weight in a matter of weeks. If I really wanted to.

And then I had a baby, which has completely changed the way I view my body and the challenge of weight loss.

It's not that I'm disgusted with my appearance. For having a child surgically removed from my uterus, I think I look pretty damn good, thank you very much. I won't be wearing a bikini anytime soon, but I wasn't going to do that, anyway, no matter what the scale said. I'm proud my body was able to grow and deliver such a beautifully healthy baby and handle the recovery process so well. And I'm thankful I was able to get pregnant, so easily, without complications. Again, I know not everyone is so lucky.

But still, there are new obstacles for me to face. Like....

I was overweight before I had Kara. Now, there's another five pounds to deal with, which puts me that much farther from my overall weight-loss goal.

I was never a fan of my stomach. I had a gut roll that always poked through my tee-shirts, eliminating the possibility of wearing low-rise jeans, belly-bearing tops, and even belts because they always cut into my waistline, making it hard for me to sit comfortably. Now, though, it's been totally massacred. I have no idea if it's still transitioning back to its pre-pregnancy state or if what I've got is here to stay. I'd post a picture, but even I'm not that gutsy. (No pun intended.)

Before, I had a hard enough time making wellness a priority. I didn't put much effort into making healthy meals, and my YMCA membership didn't last more than a couple of months. Between work and my personal life, it seemed like I was always too busy to put energy into anything else. And now? I still have all of those things, plus a third person who depends on me to feed her when she's hungry and wipe her butt when she craps. If I was busy before, what the hell do I call myself now? How am I going to nip this in the bud once and for all, before I get pregnant with baby number two and gain even more?

Ironically, I think the whole reason I took on this new body shape will be the reason I get out of it: my daughter. I want her to have a fit mother. I want to be able to run through the park with her and go hiking with her and jump rope with her without gasping for breath. I want her to see me and know what it means to live a healthy life. I DON'T want her to look at me and think, "I hope that's not hereditary." I don't want her to see pictures of me in my younger days and wonder what the hell happened.

I want her to love me for who I am, but that means I have to be the best "me" possible. And there's still a long way to go.

Comments

[Jessi]

I think you look absolutely wonderful! Congrats on losing that pregnancy weight so quickly! Thanks for the yummy baby pics too!

[Emily]

You look awesome, and also really really happy. I will say that for me, exercising with a little baby was easier than I thought it would be. Carrying Asher around in the Bjorn was a lot more work than I thought it would be, and when he got old enough to sit in a stroller, I found that we both really enjoyed the time outside together. Kara will be the perfect age for stroller walks when the summer and warm weather comes around!

But still: You're doing AWESOME. You're only, what, five weeks postpartum? YOU ROCK.

[Becca]

You look wonderful! (and you always did!) But I know what you mean. There is one picture of myself I am particularly horrified by where I look enormous holding this teeny tiny baby and eating a cupcake and holding a large fast food drink. I love your new attitude about health and body image! I'm facing the same realization now that Charlie is aware of what I am eating vs. what he is eating. I want to set a good example.

[Nette]

You look gorgeous. There's a site for women addressing this topic exactly. http://www.theshapeofamother.com/ It's wonderful.

[Marriage-101]

Good for you for the progress you've made! You are doing wonderful and still look wonderful (and, as someone else pointed out, happy - which is really the most important thing)

[Nic]

you look AWESOME!

[Nichole]

You look wonderful.

I've been struggling to find time to work out, too. I'm thinking about adding some workout DVDs to my Netflix list.

[Liz]

I hate the pictures of me in the hospital. All those IV fluids, too... I had a neck that bulged out from my chin to my chest. I looked like a frog! A huge fat frog. But hey - I gained almost 60 pounds with each kid.

First... the weight isn't done coming off! It takes at least 6 months before most women can even consider pulling their old jeans out of their closets and BEGIN the torturous process of trying to fit in them again. Your body is nowhere near done re-adjusting,trust me. That takes close to a year - sorry, but it's true. So don't be so hard on yourself.

[Katie]

You are so right that it will be harder than ever to fit in healthy habits, but that it is also more important than ever. For yours and your family's sake, I hope you are able to really get going and reach your goals. I haven't. For 6 years now, I've been "too tired" to play with my sons. I can cuddle them on the couch or read to them, but playing on the floor for more than a few minutes? No way. Running and playing in the park? hahahahahaha. My husband gets (mostly) free gym memberships through work, so I am going to start going. It will mean I have to be away from my kids for even longer each day, but it will be worth it if it gives me the energy to actually be their mother when I am with them!!

[ambitiousmrs]

Let me just say that you're doing great and everything your describing is totally what happened to me. The pictures of me right after the c-section are ridiculously horrible. Not only did I swell up like there was no tomorrow but repeated bouts of crying made my face extra beautiful! 5lbs left after only a month is amazing and I bet at this rate just LIVING this crazy life (ie - being a Mom!) might help you lose more without much effort. Good luck and you're doing awesome!

[Isabel]

I agree with the other...you look AWESOME. Double super awesome!

Yes, you want to be healthy for your children. I assume that if you continue to play with her and want to play with her, you'll keep in shape enough to be able to do so.

(Did any of that make sense?)

I just wish that moms would be given a secret dose of energy. It would help if I had just some of the energy that Babboo has!

[Joanne]

Girl. It takes lots of women a YEAR to lose the weight that they gained with a pregnancy. You have only five pounds left? You are going to be FINE. I lost all my weight really quickly with my first because he was super colicky and I just cried and rocked him the first four months. THEN I gained it back over the next four months because I had some extra time to eat again, and boy did I ever! I am hoping this time that I can do what you're doing, smaller meals, etc., and mostly an awareness that I want to be a healthy person and live a long time so I can see these kids of mine grow up. You look wonderful and you'll be fine!

[Angela]

I honestly think you look gorgeous in that last picture. People always talk about that "glow" of happiness, and girl, you've got it!

With that being said, I can also understand to want to stay in shape and trim off the extra bits that are annoying you, so good luck with that too :)

[Christina]

You do look amazing and the love in your eyes is so apparent.
I think you hit the nail on the head though, kara is your reason now. You can do things with her that dont feel like a workout but are, like pushing her in her stroller on a spring day. You may find taking care of yourself easier in a way becuase you do it for her? It may also be helpful when you get back to work to plan your meals again rather than having your own kitchen at your disposal.
Good luck!

[Rachel]

You look gorgeous!!! I don't think you will have any problems losing a few pounds because you seem to be super motivated! Good luck!!

[eva]

You look great, and I really admire your drive to be healthier for your baby. Who is adorable. Possibly the 2nd cutest new baby girl in the world. Possibly...

[Liz]

You look great, Frema, and that is one beautiful baby. You'll get there!

[Christar]

I think you look great! Seriously, it's awesome that you've almost lost it all in a month! Wow!

I have the same problems with staying within a 5 pound radius. I work out SO hard and I try desperately to eat right, but I just can't seem to lose a significant amount of weight. Usually it's 2 or 3 pounds. It can be tough to be a woman!

[Jen]

Isn't the body amazing? I have also been shocked at how fast the weight seemed to fall off. And the tummy DOES look like corned beef hash! What's up with the gelatinous blob??? (Now if the friggin' foot swelling would just go down...)

I've been wondering how you're doing with your recovery. My own little guy was born on Jan. 5 and I'm still in a whole lotta pain from the c-section. He only weighed 6 1/2 lbs. Every time I lift him, all I can think of is you doing that with an 11 pounder. How has your recovery been?

Congrats on the quick weight drop and on your super-beautiful daughter. Take care of yourself and love your body for what it's done!!! (At least that's what my mom told me to do.)

[Erica]

I think you look great and you should be very proud of yourself. Also just a little assvice, nine months on, nine months off. it takes that long to gain it, it may take that long to get rid of it. It will happen.
Good luck!

[Stacey]

You look fabulous - congrats to you! Unfortunately for me, now that the first baby is FIVE, I guess I can no longer call it baby weight...it's all mine now. But I'm working on that! Great job to you!

[Sissy]

You do look DAMN good sister! DAMN GOOD!!!!!

[Molly]

You know, in case I have not said this to you yet, you have this glow about you lately. You look just beautiful. (You too, Kara baby, you too!)

Three cheers for taking this challenge on. I'm with ya. ;o)

[Jenny]

The mysterious hand sticking out of your right side...I'm presuming is Luke?

Congrats on doing so well so quickly. You look beautiful!

[Virginia Gal]

You do look wonderful...and happy in both pictures. I'll bet that you'll be back close to your pre-baby weight before you have to go back to work.

On a related note, how much does Kara weigh now?

[Kathleen]

You look amazing, seriously! I hope I look as good in 3 more weeks! I just had my baby on Monday after a similar birth experience (very long labor, giant baby, late-night c-section) and I so understand the feeling. My husband took a photo of me in the recovery room when I was breastfeeding for the first time and I seriously look like Jabba the Hut -- just rolls upon swollen rolls. Ew.

I can totally related to basically everything you said -- I am only almost a week postpartum and feel the same way about wanting to take care of myself now, for my daughter's sake.

Now that I've rambled on forever (thanks, Percocet!) I will just add that we have the same sleeper with the bear on the bum; I love that one.

[Kristabella]

I think you look fabulous! And I think that is excellent motivation to lose the weight. And we KNOW you can do it!

[gawilli]

Oh, I was hoping to find a picture here of you and the baby! You both are just beautiful. What a happy mom smile.

[daddy dd]

She makes me think of the future. What am I going to be like and able to do that could help. Health is the first thing to mind. I need to work on more fitness for now and then.

[Judy]

yay! baby!! i'm so happy for you, frema! and i think you look fantastic! could i use any more exclaimation points?!

[HollowSquirrel]

What am I lookin' at? I'll tell you: a beautiful little girl and a most GLOWING and COMPLETELY SMITTEN mommy!!

You, my dear, rock.

[Jennifer]

I've been reading your blog for many months now - my due date with my first child was a little before yours, November 30. I delivered via elective c-section (thank God!) a 10 lbs 4 oz girl on December 7. You're definitely not alone! I still have 12 lbs to lose from a total of 50 gained in pregnancy. It's frightening to look down at my gut - I had no idea it would look this way. I asked my doctor at my 6 week visit whether it was mainly fat or a lot swelling, and she responded that it was both. I'm so misshapen! I can't wear any of my pre-pregnancy pants. But despite this, the horrific lack of sleep and other numerous discomforts, I'm in awe of my daughter and enjoying getting used to this new life as a mommy.

Jennifer

P.S. I really enjoy reading your blog!