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February 15, 2008


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A guy once asked me 'So, what's your star sign?'
'Pisces' I said.
'Ah', he leered. 'Pisces women make the best lovers, no?'

(To get the true effect, imagine it in a Greek accent, which was how it was delivered).

I didn't fall for it, exactly, because it's not like I replied 'Yep, that's right. Wanna get busy?' but still, I couldn't not share it with you...

"...and then I was like, 'Oh.'"

hahahahaha that made me laugh out loud, Frema - thanks!

Some dude I met at a bar (red flags allll over the place already) told me one time: "Your eyes are beautiful... I feel like I can see into your soul." Then he proceeded to puke into his mouth a little, try to get up from the bar stool, stumble over his feet, and vomit on the floor. I felt the same way, after that line of cheese.

"Wow... have you worked here long, cause I'm in here every evening, and I've never seen you before... you're BEAUTIFUL!" I was working in a coffee shop and covered head to toe in wet coffee grounds cause the coffee maker BLEW UP ALL OVER ME! Gag me with a fork!

Scene: the college bar (Core XI for the Pumas)

Guy: Wanna dance? (although he was bombed, so image his voice totally slurry, more like "wannadace?")

Me: No. I really don't dance.

Guy: You probably haven't had the right (wink, wink) partner...wanna see my moves...back in my dorm room?

Me: Really, that's what you've got? Yeah, no. Thanks.

I have never fallen for a line because the only guys to have handed me one were total scumbags. Here are two of the creepiest come-ons I've ever received:

1. I worked as an office manager at a video production house before I had kids. Anyway, I'm on the phone with one of the married (& father of a preschooler) sound guys who is getting a bit too excited that my new apartment happens to be in his neighborhood. He says, "Well, I'm looking for a hot blonde to get together with in the afternoons for some fun." I say, "Good luck with that." Him: "Are you ever available in the afternoons?" Me: "No. I work here all day, bummer. (sarcasm)." Him: "Well, if you're lonely, I live a few blocks away... just running that idea up the 'ol flagpole." Me: "Well you better run it right back down. I'm going to put you on hold now, okay? (click.)"

2. My husband & I owned a condo before we got married. One night, my friend Jen and I were hanging out, drinking gin & tonics and waiting for the Leona's delivery guy to arrive. When he got there I invited him in for a moment to give him his money. He was already giving us "the look" and says, "Oooh. It smells so good in here. What is that smell?"
Me: Um, scented candle?
him: No, it's not that...
Me:(I swirled my glass in his face) Maybe you smell the gin? (Don't laugh, I hadn't eaten yet & I was seriously perplexed as to what he might be smelling.)
Him: No I think it's you.
Me: Me? I smell like crap. I've been working all day - I think you've been smelling the lasagna a little to long. Bye! (slam)

Then I get this call a half hour later:
ME: "hello?"
"I like gin."
ME: "What?"
"My friend is with me and he likes gin too."
ME: "Um, I don't think you have the right number."
"Sure I do. I was just over there - my buddy and I are looking for somewhere to drink gin."
"Good luck with that." (click.)

I really should have had him fired, but was too bewildered. I mean, what kind of scenario are these guys envisioning? As if I was going to say, "what a coincidence - we're looking for a few anonymous slobs to drink gin with! And we love screwing pizza delivery guys!"

Being a guy, I've been the deliverer of a few really really bad pickup lines in my day. The one I'm about to share with you is the worst. And the worst part, is on more than one occasion, it ended with me in bed with someone. Here is the story of one particularly amusing time.

I was living in Whiting shortly after college and was at my favorite local watering hole. I had been talking to this girl that was down from Chicago with her friends. (Why they came to Whiting I've no clue).

So we're at the bar and I'm standing next to her talking and somehow ended up in some sort of explicit conversation when I had the opportunity to say, "Well, you know, I'm pretty small myself, 2.54 inches, rock hard."

I know what you're thinking, you like, "Oh, you've got to be kidding me." But what happened is even more unbelievable. She said, "You're lying, I don't believe you." I told her, "One way to find out." Keep in mind, I'm standing at the bar and she's sitting. So she swivels around towards me and says, "Yeah, I guess there is."

Then she unzipped me and stuck her hand in my pants, in the crowded bar. One of the most ridiculous pickup lines of all time...still can't believe how it oftentimes turns out.

Oh, I'm so excited it's BFF and I'm ecstatic to get to share the ickiest story of my adult life. So, it was my 26th birthday. My best friend and I lived in an amazing house perfect for hosting parties. And boy did we throw one! In the weeks before, I had been on about a date and a half with the prop guy from the theatre where I worked (deciding halfway through the 2nd date that I couldn't cope with his heavy drinking and bad table manners) and he came to the party and proceeded to get s**t-faced. The party wound down around 4am and after everyone left, drunk prop dude came up and said, in as slurry a voice possible, "I wanna give you a birthday kiss." I was too tired and tipsy to argue, so I let him plant a sloppy one on me. Finally, he kind of fell off my mouth, leaned into my ear and whispered through his beer breath "You want me to stick it in ya?" I said "What?" hoping I'd heard him wrong or if I hadn't, hoping he'd take the out. And I'll be damned if he didn't say it again. I replied "No, thank you." Needless to say, there was no "sticking" and I quickly ushered him out of my home and ran upstairs laughing hysterically to tell my roommate about the encounter.

Holy cow...college Frema is awesome.

I honestly can't think of a line that was ever used on me. Mostly I wasn't worthy of "lines" when I was younger. Dude, college Isabel was not pretty.

The one that comes to mind isn't particularly creepy or weird, just pathetic. I was standing on the Metro platform waiting for my train and a guy approached me and started making small talk, and then because I wasn't acting very interested, tried to keep me involved in the conversation by asking me if I had the time.

He was wearing a watch and I was standing DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH this ENORMOUS digital clock.

Sorry, dude, you'll have to be more inventive than that if you want some action.

So this is what I missed out on by not going to university...

I met my wife when I was 16 so I never really did the whole dating/going-to-bars type stuff.

The best I can do is the time that I was at a bar with a group of friends, and someone came over and started hitting on my friend H. She wasn't interested, but for some reason I thought he was also talking to me and I kept butting in to tell him to go away. Not in a, "leave my friend alone, she's not interested, buddy" way, but in a "I'm not interested either!" way. Again, HE WAS NOT TALKING TO ME. I can't imagine why not.

"You're coming home with me tonight."
I did.

The worst one that didn't work?
"Come here often?" I didn't believe he actually said it, so I said, "What did you say?" AND HE REPEATED IT. AT THE GYM.

A friend of mine had a story similar to yours - he asked girls to his basement bedroom to see his fish. Of course, he did have a fish. But that's not why he asked girls to his room.

Scene: karaoke bar called Three Frogs.

random dude who was way too hillbilly for me walks up and says "hey aren't you my cousin?" and I'm like "um, no" and then he's like "great that means we can f--k!"

I was too busy laughing at him to properly turn down his lovely offer. But he got the idea.

Well, if anybody thought only women play dumb to catch a man: in college, one of my guy friends (an aeronautical engineering major) got me (an English major) to help him with his Physics homework.

It was several months into dating that he revealed he didn't actually need my help.

I'm sorry to report that I have never been offered a one-liner :0(

My favorite happened not too long ago...I was at one of my husband's gigs (he's in a cover band) and his cousin (who I had just met that night) was there and quite drunk. So I was up dancing, and the cousin comes up to me and starts grinding on me! So I'm all like, "Wha?!" and he says, "That's my cousin!" pointing at my husband, like that's going to make me want to grind on his nasty, drunk, overall-wearing self...and so I go, "Yeah, I know - he's my husband!" I didn't stick around to see his reaction, but needless to say, he stayed away from me for the rest of the night.

Niiiiice. :)

I don't know if this qualifies as a one liner but my friends and I still joke about this almost a decade later. When I was in high school I had an acquaintance who was pretty awkward. He was sort of like Dwight Schrute from the Office only much nicer. Anyways, he called me up one day and said "Do you want to go to prom with me as friends not lovers?" Well, I already had a date to prom so I didn't really have to think about my answer. But since we hadn't had more than a few polite conversations with each other I never quite understood why he felt the need to specify that we would not be going to the dance as lovers. Also, we were in high school. What high schooler uses the term lover?

Oh my goodness, I love BFF! The responses crack me up. Anyway, I can't seem to think of one specific instance, but I can say that I tend to attract sketchy dudes. I think it's because I tend to be open/nice and not closed off so people tend to think they can either 1. tell me their life story, intimate and/or gory details included, or 2. use really shady pick-up lines on me. The WORST is when guys try to pick me up at the gym...I'm there not work out, not to find a man!!! (I don't wear my jewelry to the gym so they can't tell I'm totally engaged)

Also, my 55 year old, married coworker makes comments about how if it doesn't work out with Edgar then he will be "there for me." Um...yeah.....

Wow, that is an awesome story!

I've had a few different lines thrown my way, but the cheesiest one I think I've ever had was:
"Did it hurt?"
"When you fell from Heaven?"

So lame! There were some equally cheesy ones like "I lost my phone number, can I have yours?" Guys are dumb.

I had totally repressed this - but it came back. In college, Senior Year, I went out drinking on a regular basis with a group of friends. One night we decided to continue the party one night at my friend "Mary"'s, friend Brian's, single-wide trailer. Brian had a friend Deirdre, who also drank with us. Deirdre was openly bi-sexual, and had hit on me several times over the course of drinking with her. So back at the trailer, Deirdre says to me - Brian has glow in the dark wallpaper in his guest room, want to see? And, well he actually did have glow in the dark wallpaper in that room. But you know where this is going...fortunately she only wanted a kiss and accepted my refusal. I may have been tipsy, but I wasn't _that_ drunk! She was a nice enough person, but not my type even if I was into girls that way.

I was driving late at night in front of my college (a women's college, which is probably why this guy was hanging around) when a guy in a car passed me and drove ahead fast. Then I saw that he pulled off the road, got out, and when I came by he was totally standing on the berm with his dick out, waving it at me.

I'm going to count that as a bad pickup line for lack of a better story! I called the campus cops on him.

I think Amy wins.

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