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February 05, 2008

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I told a homeless man begging for change in NYC "sorry, I only have a $20." I meant "I don't have any change", which was true. I'm sure he felt very sorry for my plight.

Probably the time I said "yes" to my first husband when he asked me to marry him.

A woman we were interviewing for a position in our office said she had been active with the Special Olympics. I immediately asked the follow up question, "In what capacity did you participate with that group?" This was a great question until I tried to be funny by adding, "Decathalon?" She got the job and my co-workers laugh about my insensitivities.

I asked a respectable church leader if I could have his baby. I meant the irresistibly cute, little boy that he and his wife had given birth to. I didn't mean to suggest that he sleep with me, but my poor word choice raised some eyebrows.

On a warm winter day, I was talking to my sister about wanting to see a movie at the local drive-in, which is called the Summer Drive-In. She said, even though it was warm, we wouldn't be able to because the drive in is closed in the winter. The light bulb went off in my head and I blurted out, "Oh, THAT'S why they call it the Summer Drive-In." She laughed hysterically and pointed out that no, they call it the Summer Drive-In because it's located on Summer Avenue. That was years ago and she still brings it up.

I told my mother that getting married and having children would be a huge waste of my talent and time (please note I am not only now married, but pregnant with kid # 1). :D Ah, youth.

While watching TV, some goofy looking dude was on camera and a friend of mine said "Who's THAT guy?" and in an attempt to be funny, I started to say "Your mom" but because it was a guy I said "Your dad" and then remembered that his dad had died like 8 years ago.

And another time when talking about male strippers to my Indian guy friend, I said "Ew males strippers are gross. The last one I saw was a greasy looking Indian." - I meant to say Native American, but it came out Indian (Thanks Columbus!)

I say stupid stuff all the time.

A child was with his parents in my office and a co-worker commented that it looked like he had his shoe on the wrong foot. Before I could think I blurted out "Both of them?". Hey, he could have had two left feet.

My friend, reading from inside his Snapple lid: "Australia is the only country that is also a continent."

Me: "What about Africa?"

I knew it was dumb as it came out of my mouth and I have NEVER laughed harder in my life.

Tim and I were driving through my home town one day, and my home town happens to have several intersections where you may have to stop and wait for a train to go by. We were approaching one such intersection and I thought I saw a train approaching but when I was about to complain about having to wait I said "Oh, wait. That's just a really long truck."

Yeah, um, no. It was definitely a train. Tim still makes fun of me for that one.

Oh, man, these had me laughing.

I took a trip to Paris when I was in highschool. While standing on top of the Eifel Tower, I looked out over the edge and commented on the lovely view but wondered where the Eifel Tower was??

Also....my nephew was crying to my sister saying he wanted something. I asked her "what does he want?" And she responded by spelling "C-O-O-K-I-E." I looked at her with a very confused look and asked, "What is a Kookie?!"

After me and my husband had our 3rd child, Hannah - my little sister who was about 10 at the time asked me if I was "going to have my boobs tied now" too funny, also, maybe some good advice ;)

In 9th grade biology we did a project on the "lineage" of "naugas" (a fictional animal, you know like naugahyde.) Only no one told me that naugas were fictional. So when my boyfriend was telling me about his grandmother's naugahyde couch he asked "you know what naugahydes is, right?" "Of course" I said "It's the hide of a nauga! Duh!"

I knew it was stupid the minute it came out of my mouth.

On another note, I have no idea what the educational value was supposed to be of the lineage of a fictional animal.

Holy crap...these comments are awesome. I'll be checking back all day to read them.

(Dude, the Eiffel Tower one is priceless!)

as a very shy college girl, I went out w/ my girlfriend, her boyfriend and the boyfriend's roommate that may or may not have liked me (still TBD at that point).

headed out to a party, all of us climbed into the boyfriend's truck with a case of beer. I was asked to scoot over, but I said I couldn't because "the Busch is between my legs."

What I would have given for us to be able to afford Heineken that night.

OMG, I love Jen from boston's comment!!!!!

I say soooooo many stupid things, I will have to think about this one.

I was a junior in high school when I learned that 10,000 troops in the Middle East actually meant 10,000 soldiers. I always thought that a "troop" was a group of 5, or 10, or 100 men and women. I had no idea that it was short for "trooper".

Sigh, sometimes I can't escape my blonde roots!

xox

This blind man walks back to the pharmacy.

"Where's the photo department"

'Turn around and keep walking straight. You'll run right into it.'

Doh!

Oh, and aren't you glad the 'real' Greenlee is back!

Okay, one more.

My hubby and I along with our neighbors on both sides of us all went to a movie. We piled in one neighbor's van. As we are getting out, I say "We look like a bunch of Mexicans."

One neighbor was Mexican.

My boyfriend at the time and I had just arrived in Florida and as soon as we got in the room his nephew showed me one of the little crabs he had caught on the beach. The thing totally grossed me out and I quickly scurried out of the room and dragged my boyfriend with me. We headed on down to the supermarket to get some food for the week and some tampons for me. We couldn't find the tampons so we had to ask a stockboy. He informed us of their location and as we were walking away, I shuddered and said, "Holy crap, the crabs are REALLY making me itch!"

I was talking about the crabs his nephew had caught.

The stockboy was unaware of this.

I was working at a concession stand and was serving a little person and we were making small talk. Then he asked me how much a certain drink was and I replied, "A dollar fifty. But for you? Half off!"

I really was not making a horribly offensive short joke. I was trying to offer my employee discount because we had been having a nice conversation. But he was obviously offended and just walked away before I could explain myself. I felt AWFUL.

On another note, I was once pulled over and the cop said, "Ma'am, I wouldn't have pulled you over if you hadn't been going so fast."

I'm not getting married until I'm 30.
(Ummmm... 25?)

I'm not having kids until I'm 35.
(Ummmm.... 29?)

Oh I just realized I said "small talk" when referring to a little person. I swear I meant nothing by it!

I think I've told this one on my blog...

I always tried to be the perfect student. So once when I was in middle school and was called on in Social Studies while not paying attention, I was mortified. My teacher was pressing for an answer, and the boy behind me was trying to help me out. "Poll tax," he whispered, but I couldn't hear him exactly. Without thinking, I blurted out, "KOTEX?!"

Horror.

I cannot even begin to remember all the stupid things I've said, let alone the worst one.

When I was in college, it was really difficult for me to make friends with the other moms we lived near. I was trying to explain why parents should avoid crying-it-out (CIO) sleep training with their babies and basically told a mom who had been doing CIO that CIO would cause brain damage (I was trying to explain the cortisol theory).

Once, I went on a completely unprovoked rant on the name George. I hated it, reminded me of the slow guy from Of Mice and Men, blah blah blah rant. We were in the back of the minivan, and my boyfriend's dad was driving us home from a concert.

Not only was I wrong, (George was not the slow one, Lenny was) my boyfriend's middle name was George. BECAUSE HIS FATHER'S NAME IS GEORGE.

George is a perfectly lovely name, btw. I have no idea what my teenaged problem was.

I just thought of another one, sorry. My sister was getting all upset about passive euthansia-- basically letting people die. After several attempts to understand, I finally asked her "Why is it so bad to have passive youth in Asia? I'm sure there's enough non-passive to make it work out." She just stared at me, and explained passive euthanasia... which IS a bad thing, it turns out!

My friend/co-worker, who will go unnamed, and I were talking and our other co-worker (who is a black woman, our age) came over to talk to us. My friend was being fake-bossy and blurted out, "Go do ___ for me. You will be my slave." She was using the word "slave" not meaning it like THAT, but the girl just kind of half laughed and looked at her funny.

Oh man, it was painful and I wasn't the one who said it.


One time I was headed out of the office to go to the vending machine to get the "sweet and salty" nut, m&m and raisin mix. I announced "I'll be right back, I'm going to grab some nuts." I wish I could have thought about that one before it came out of my mouth...(why did that just sound dirty?)

Hi! I am delurking to comment on this one. Once when I was a teenager, I was looking through a name book my little sister had. I started laughing and said, "What kind of name is Penelope (pronounced pee-na-lope, like cantalope)? How stupid!" My younger sister looked at the name in the book and said, "Um, you mean Penelope (pronouned correctly)." I am now 27 and have yet to live that one down.

Hi! I am delurking to comment on this one. Once when I was a teenager, I was looking through a name book my little sister had. I started laughing and said, "What kind of name is Penelope (pronounced pee-na-lope, like cantalope)? How stupid!" My younger sister looked at the name in the book and said, "Um, you mean Penelope (pronouned correctly)." I am now 27 and have yet to live that one down.

I once said, "I would love to go to New York. I have always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower."

I have a vague recollection that when I was in 6th or 7th grade science class, our teacher was asking for the vocabulary word to describe any living thing (you know, an organism). When I raised my hand and gave my answer, which was reacted to with giggles, I realized a number of years later I did not say organism but orgasm.

Thank God I did not know at the time what I said, but the HORROR I felt when I did eventually realize it.

I once asked my friend if her twin niece and nephew were identical twins.

Delurking for this one! I said this last year to one of my fellow teachers. As she was drinking a Diet Coke she commented that she only liked it when it was really cold. I said really it's not cold outside today. We both just died laughing at my insane stupidity. :)

While at the movies with a friend, some movie with Danny Glover in it, I leaned over to my friend and said "I love Sidney Poitier."

Once while I was hiking with friends, one guy took pictures of various scenery and wildlife on his digital camera. After we got back to the house, he was showing his dad the pictures and I blurted out, "Did you show your dad those really great beaver shots you took?" Everyone started laughing and I had no idea why!

A few people in my class were talking about how fun it would be to go to Trafalgar Square in London for New Year's Eve, and someone said, "Umm, why would you do that? That's an American holiday!"

Ok, I just had to delurk for this one!

I have a list stupid things, but this one happened last night so the humiliation is fresh in my mind.

I'm currently completing a MSC (Two weeks to handing in my thesis! yay!) and was at a supervisor's engagement party. My partner commented on the cabbage trees in the garden. My response - "I didn't know cabbages grew on tress"

The sad part is I'm a biology major...

Oh my... the humiliation... I say stupid things almost constantly! Talking on the phone to my dad about a pot he wanted to borrow from me, "I put out for you last night... what you need more?" I forgot to put the "it" in there to make it "I put IT out for you last night... what you need more?". I meant more pots, but EVERYONE in my office seemed to hear that comment! I still haven't lived it down.

I was joking around with a co-worker who happened to have Spina Bifida and couldn't feel his legs from the knee down and walked with crutches. He said something goofy and without thinking I said, "Did you ride the short bus as a kids?!"

Um, yea, he did.

Two that I haven't lived down yet:

My friend and I had taken our little kids fishing at a lake and she became the go-to girl for putting the worms on the hooks. I said to her "wow, you have become the master baiter".

My neighbors were over while I was cooking a turkey and the husband was asking me how I cooked it. I said "it's easy, you just rub the turkey all over with butter or oil, put it in (meaning the oven) and when the little thing pops out, then it's done". I still don't think it's that funny but I got laughed at for years for that one.

I once said "Did you know that losing one's spouse is supposed to be the most stressful life event?". It's not so stupid until you realize that I said this to a man who'd lost his wife two years prior...

Once in college I went home with a friend to visit her house and meet her family. There were about 4 of us that went. We were sitting at the dinner table and one of the girls was dating a guy and his nicknmame was Snag. I had no idea what it meant. I thought it had something to do w/ wrestling because that is what he did. Anyway...I made the comment that her b-friend was nicknamed Snag and he always said it was Snagging kisses or vice versa in front of my friends family. I think her parents choked on their food and i had no friggin idea what I had said. It was later spelled out for me and I about died. I avoided my friends family for the rest of the weekend. In the end she and I ended up sharing an apartment;0) I don't know what happened to "Snag"!
I say stuped things all the time and my naivety still surprises me. I am so clueless about things. Though I am starting to catch on a little more!

It would also help if I could spell properly. Stupid, not stuped. Nice

A girl I knew in high school was at a party and they were cooking a pizza in the oven. Suddenly the power went out and everyone moaned and she yelled, "It's okay! We can put it in the microwave!"

LOVE that story.

I'm constantly putting my foot in my mouth. About a year ago, I was talking with one of my favorite co-workers who happens to be gay. He was telling me about his recent trip to Los Angeles. (We live in the midwest). He was carrying on about how crazy it is out there and all the bizarre things he saw. I blurted out "like my dad always said, L.A. is the land of fruits and nuts!" As soon as I said it, I wanted to die. We just kept on talking and thank God, he doesn't hold it against me.

I don't mean to offend anyone who is gay and/or lives in Los Angeles.

Um, Erica, what does "Snag" mean? Perhaps it's not common slang over here on the East Coast?

OK I used to know this guy called Richard, and he went by the name Dick (you can already sense trouble, right?) Anyway, Dick liked to eat. And one day we were at a barbecue and the food had run out and a friend said she was going to run to the store to get some more burgers and Dick look pleased, so I said (gah!) 'Oh, well, looks like you'll have a really happy Dick on your hands...'

Noooooooooo

My freshman year in college, I was the only one who had a car, so we would all make grocery/essential runs together. A friend of mine wanted to try some new multivitamins, and threw a package of "One-A-Day Women's" in the cart. She then immediately asked, "So, how often are you supposed to take those things anyway?"

I still bring that up to her. It makes my day.

I have said so many stupid things. I've been waiting until I can remember a good one, but I can't. So instead, I will share what a chick said on "Ghost Hunters International" last night about a giant crucifix on a building in Romania:

"I guess if you squint at it from just the right angle as the sun is setting, the crucifix is supposed to look like a man being tortured to death."

VirginiaGal - I'm in the west and haven't heard 'Snag' either. Off to check out urbandictionary.com . . .

My girlfriend and I were out partying with some friends and had to take a late-night drive through What-a-Burger. My girlfriend, Stacy, ordered a cheesburger, I ordered a "Breakfast on a Bun" (my favorite) with meat on the side. The girls in the car couldn't understand why I would order like that and I explained "Stacy likes to eat my meat!" We laughed so hard the little Ford Focus we were in was SHAKING!!!! Lesbian humor always = Good times.

My husband, our niece and I were watching tv a few years ago and there was footage of Whitney Houston when she was verrry thin. My niece, who was 16 or 17 at the time, turns to us and says, "Look at her! She's so emancipated!"

My husband and I laughed so hard and still get a kick out it (she does, too, now). We still tease her about the difference between emancipated and emaciated.

Ok, you can tell my memory is blocking this embarrassing moment. The guys nickname was Snatch,not Snag, so Snatching kisses or vices versa is what I repeated to my friends parens. Gah! Hope that cleared it up for you Frema. Now go laugh your butts off about my stupidity;)

Ha! I just laughed out loud at that one!

I can never think of these things on demand. It's like when you are supposed to go around the circle and tell your most embarrassing moment. My mind always goes completely blank and all I see in my past is a featureless wasteland of non-embarrassing moments. So, I have nothing to add. But tonight at 5 am when I wake up to go to the bathroom for the eleventh time, I will probably some genius remark I made sometime. Which I will then forget by the time I actually wake up for the day.

Here's one my sister (19) said last year: she pronounced prix as pricks when we went to the Grand Prix go-cart track. My brothers and I laughed so hard. And still joke about it.

I went to the pet store and told the cashier that my boyfriend had given me crabs for Christmas, what am I supposed to feed them? Hermit crabs. A pair of them.

Also, this one wasn't something I said but did (or didn't do):
I was driving to my out of town boyfriend's house Christmas night because I was invited to join their family on the annual trip to visit the grandparents in Chicago and we were supposed to leave really early in the morning. So although it was storming out, I felt confident in my winter driving abilities to make it the 4 hours to his house that night. About halfway there it got so bad that I contemplated pulling over. I was driving in 3rd gear and the snow was just piling up on the windshield. I couldn't see a thing. Until I remembered to turn on the windshield wipers...

FYI it was the same bf in both scenarios and I ended up marrying him.

While dropping off some paperwork to a vendor of ours who happened to be a friend of my moms from school she said, "I used to go to school with your mom" I replied, that was a long time ago you guys are pretty old...I was meant with sn evil blank stare

OMG, laughing hysterically. These are all so funny!

My most horrifying moment comes from high school. I HATE speaking in front of people, so I was dreading the day in my senior English class that I had to recite a poem from memory.

I had perfectly memorized Robert Frost's "Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening". But I was nervous and distracted (probably by the word "queer", which you really don't want to have to say in front of a group of 18 year old boys) when I stood up to recite...

"My little horse must think it queer, to stop without a farmhouse near. Between the woods and Frosted Flake..." And that's where the whole class busted up - that'd be FROZEN LAKE. Oops.

Along the lines of getting nervous when speaking, when I was ten I introduced myself to a neighbor while trick-or-treating as "Paul Lear's son", while my best friend collapsed to the floor in hysterical laughter. Um, I'm a GIRL.

Two weeks ago, there was a funny smell around in my office. At some point I recognize the smell and I said "It smells like toilet freshener here". Then my colleague said it was his perfume that smelled like that! Indeed it was!

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Reminders

  • "The Lord is my helper,
    I will not be afraid.
    What can anyone do to me?"
    - Hebrews 13:6

    "The best way out is always through."
    - Robert Frost

    "Breathe, pray, be kind, stop grabbing."
    - Anne Lamott

    "Mere completion is a rather honorable achievement in its own right."
    - Liz Gilbert

    "When we tell our stories,
    we change the world."
    - Brené Brown