At the time of the start of this entry it's 2:08 in the morning. I should be catching some zzzz's, but instead I've chosen to burden the Internet with my tormented, sort-of-depressing thoughts. Lucky you.
The time has come for Luke and I to put our one-income-family plan into action. His last day of work has already been acknowledged by his department with a farewell lunch at Rock Bottom. I've been in contact with my supervisor and made plans for us to share a meal of our own before heading back to the office, to get up to speed on what I've missed and mentally prepare for what things will be like upon my return. It's no longer numbers typed into an Excel spreadsheet; it's our reality. Luke is a stay-at-home dad. I'm a working mom.
And even though there are still almost three weeks until I have to swipe my security badge at the lab's employee entrance, I feel like my maternity leave is already ending, because come five o'clock tomorrow, Kara and I will say good-bye to this special time we've had getting to know each other. I'm happy for my husband, but so bummed for me.
After Friday, things will be different. No longer will I be the primary parent with whom Kara spends most of her time. Gone will be the days of Luke walking through the door after a long day at the office and me greeting him from the living room couch, spewing happy words about the funny sounds the baby made that morning, cradling her sleeping body in my arms. No more singing "Peppermint Twist" while dancing around the apartment at eleven a.m.
It's not mommy guilt I'm suffering from; it's sadness.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to get excited about shopping for work clothes and grabbing a shower before noon every day and talking to other adults again. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want Luke to feel bad (happy birthday, honey!). I know that somebody's got to work and my bond with Kara will continue to grow and eventually it'll all get easier.
But IT EFFING SUCKS, just the same.
To keep myself from drowning in a pint of Ben and Jerry's, I'm hereby announcing the official return of Tragic Love Friday, if only to have something awesomely trivial to focus on in my spare (ha!) time. It won't run every week, or even every other week right now, probably just once a month until a solid plot's been established, but no worries, because you'll have Brain Fest Friday to hold you over between installments. We'll have our first official BFF session tomorrow, so be sure to tune in. In the meantime, I'm going out on a limb and setting a TLF season premiere for...(flips through Norman Rockwell calendar) March 28. Those of you interested in being part of the writing team, please e-mail me so I can add you to my newly created Gmail group, which should allow us to swap ideas in an orderly fashion. If you don't have a Gmail account, let me know and I'll send you an invite. Also, don't stress about your literary skills or lacking soap opera background; I'll be controlling the main direction of the story and do eighty percent of the writing, anyway, but from time to time I'm sure I'll need pinch-hitters, and who better than a TLF fan?
Whew. Just thinking about the tragic possibilities makes me smile.
Edited to add: Of COURSE Kara choose this particular morning to wake up at five o'clock making the cutest sounds imaginable. But how can I be mad at this sweet little face? Does she not kill with the adorableness?
Edited to add AGAIN: Luke's V-Day present to me? A TWO-DISC collection of love songs by Phil Collins. It doesn't get any better than this, folks. (Seriously. I'm beyond giddy.)
TLF is back...whooo hoooo!
Such yummy pictures. No, you can't be mad at that sweet face.
Posted by: Virginia Gal | February 14, 2008 at 08:34 AM
Oh look at her little Valentine outfit!!! Such pinchable cheeks too.
Posted by: Marriage-101 | February 14, 2008 at 09:05 AM
She is so adorable! And that hair is just fantastic! My babies are nearly bald until at least a year old.
Posted by: Katie | February 14, 2008 at 09:22 AM
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your little cupcake (love the outfit!) And happy birthday to Luke!
Posted by: Katie | February 14, 2008 at 09:54 AM
SUCH a cutie pie! Happy Valentine's Day to all 3 of you and Happy Birthday to Luke!
Enjoy the day and each other as much as you can. *Hugs* :)
Posted by: Liana | February 14, 2008 at 10:09 AM
I am going to focus on the positives of this post because it's Valentine's Day.
1. Your little Kara is adorable in her little V-day outfit!!
2. Happy Birthday, Luke!
3. TLF! Woooo Hoooo
xoxo
P.S. ~HUGS~ I know you are strong and will get through this trying time...even if it sucks really badly.
Posted by: Lindsey | February 14, 2008 at 10:31 AM
THAT HAIR!!! She's so precious!!! Eeeeekkk! Okay, back under control now.
She's precious! Happy Valentines Day.
Posted by: Trilby | February 14, 2008 at 10:33 AM
I think you have the most sweetest husband ever. Happy Birthday, Luke.
I hope you find that going back to work is not that big of a deal after all. You are so lucky that Kara will be at home, with a parent. I am so jealous.
Aren't you getting a little bored with being at home all day long, day after day? I was ready to go back to work, if only I could have taken the baby with me.
Posted by: dorie | February 14, 2008 at 11:19 AM
Your baby has about 10 times more hair then my 8 month old.
I hope you find a balance that makes you happy. Good luck.
Posted by: ambitiousmrs | February 14, 2008 at 12:26 PM
I absolutely LOVE her hair!! My girls had tons of hair too--have you started playing with it yet? I always put a little "Pebbles" topknot in my youngest's hair--sometimes I could look into the den from the kitchen and all I could see was hair bobbing along as she toddled around.
It's okay to be sad. It will actually help you remember these days more, and not take them for granted. I wasted far too many days not realizing how lucky I was--you already know how lucky you are, and now this time is burned in your memory, yours to keep forever.
Posted by: Leigh R | February 14, 2008 at 01:12 PM
I know it will be a bit of a transition, but hopefully these next 3 weeks will be a period of heart-warming family togetherness for the three of you. I bet you will get to see even more of how amazing a dad Luke is and it will make you feel that much better about going back to work and leaving the two of them at home.
Posted by: Audrey | February 14, 2008 at 01:38 PM
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get easier. You guys are soooo lucky that one of you gets to stay home!
I cannot get over how quickly she is growing!!!! She is just so cute!!
Posted by: Rachel | February 14, 2008 at 03:51 PM
She looks so much like you! :) So cute. I just love her hair!
Posted by: Christar | February 14, 2008 at 04:17 PM
ACK toooooo cute! I love her love her love her! Yay about TLF. I'm sorry about the whole going back to work and you wanting to be home with Kara... it's so tough, and you're doing what you have to do. You already have an incredible bond with Kara. Trust me. She will be SOOOO excited to see you when you get home. but, I'm sorry you're sad. :(
Posted by: HollowSquirrel | February 14, 2008 at 08:52 PM
I don't know if it will make you feel better or not, but there are days - LOTS of days - when I wish that I was going back to work. My husband makes twice what I did so it's not an option for us for him to stay home, sadly. I'm happy for you that your husband can stay home and happy for you that you can go back to work and feel productive and get something done every day. Good luck and enjoy the next few weeks.
Posted by: Joanne | February 15, 2008 at 12:53 PM
Oh that hair! I love it!!
Posted by: carrster | February 15, 2008 at 04:01 PM
I don't think you can ever post enough pictures of Kara. She is so cute and cuddly.I cannot believe she is almost 2 months old. No way. It seems like just last week you were getting married. Time goes way too fast. God Bless your beautiful family.
Posted by: debi | February 15, 2008 at 04:34 PM
I'm a working mom, a business owner, and my husband stays at home with our two kids. not because I necessarily wanted it that way, but because it made the most sense.
So we could eat, and all.
It always feels a little sad (my kids are 3 and 4), but as time goes on it becomes a little more normal.
Moms have it so tough. Men. The lucky bastards.
Posted by: Jess | February 16, 2008 at 05:39 PM
Okay, so did you just clone yourself, or what? Because really, that baby looks just.like.you. Which makes me feel kind of weird for squeeing about her cuteness, BUT I MUST.
Good luck with the new schedule. I think once you get settled into your routine, you'll be less sad. Maybe? And then think how awesome it'll be to come home to that face every day.
Posted by: Fraulein N | February 18, 2008 at 09:04 AM
Dude, I don't know how I missed this entry. I can't wait for TLF to come back. I can't promise that I'll have the time to help but I'll be sure to read.
Kara is just the cutest thing. And she has the best hair EVER.
Posted by: Hilary | February 27, 2008 at 01:19 PM