Admitting defeat

All week I've been thinking about the return of Tragic Love Friday, mainly because I've been trying to find time to write it.

On Monday, I went back to work after bawling my eyes out on Sunday night, sobbing, "I hate this, I hate this," "this" being having to go to the office all day just as Kara's starting to do more than lay on a blanket and mesmerize her father and I with her adorable, fleshy gums. Samantha was still in town, so we all had dinner together, only I could barely sit still, wanting to finish up as fast as I could so I could have the baby in my arms again but also wishing I could have another cry and wondering why my heart still hurts so much when I've been doing this for a week and a half already. I put on a happy face for Luke and my sister and spent my free time wiping down countertops and picking up toys so there wouldn't be as much mess for Luke to worry about the next day. I was already leaving him with a sinkful of dirty dishes, and as we all know, the cook should never have to clean, but by the time I finished my Parents entry, it was past ten, and I had to get into bed soon or my eyeballs would explode the next day from the lack of sleep. Thus, no TLF writing on Monday.

Tuesday wasn't any better. I had to go to the dentist because last week I bit on a raisin and felt a shooting pain in my mouth that stayed with me for a good five minutes. Only after forty-five minutes of sitting in the waiting room, flipping through the latest issue of People and staring at my cell phone, wanting to call home but not wanting the waiting room patrons to think I was one of Those Moms who couldn't even go to the damn doctor without checking in on her kid, the dentist couldn't find the source of the problem and actually asked me why I didn't bring in any raisins to demonstrate what was wrong. Another half-hour in traffic, and by then I was really charged up and barely said ten words to Luke the entire evening, in my lame-brained attempt to shield him from my bad attitude, but when I told him I wanted to pick up some more work clothes because I'm tired of trying to squeeze into tops that don't fit my belly, he asked where, and I told him, "The store," I'm pretty sure he was able to see I wasn't sunshine and roses. Was major bitch. I'm surprised I wasn't directed to the couch. No TLF.

Last night I thought about it. I'd apologized for my behavior and come home at a decent hour. I scored plenty of play time with Kara and posted a quick entry on Parents, leaving me with plenty of time to draft a chapter or two. But then Kara decided to take a nine o'clock nap before her last feeding, and she took that last nap in my arms, and all I could do was snuggle her close and sniff her head, which smelled wonderfully of Johnson's shampoo. By the time we started her bedtime routine, it was almost ten, and Luke told me I'd better get ready myself, since it appeared I'd actually have a chance to slip under the covers before eleven. I did, and I did. STILL no TLF.

This morning, before I got into the office, I set aside twenty minutes to get some writing done, with the assumption that I could continue my train of thought at lunchtime. Only it was then I remembered that I needed to find updated headshots of the actors and actresses playing each character, and it had to be done NOW because how could I post the beginning of part three without a character introduction, so I got caught up in doing that, and instead of stopping at 6:20 like I planned I stopped at 6:26, leaving me only nine minutes to pack a lunch, brush my teeth, throw on some make-up, and get out the door. I walked out the door at 6:40, just as Kara started to stir, so I hurried out as quick as I could because it's so much harder to leave when I have to say good-bye. Only when I got to my car, the windows were covered with frost. FUCK. So I let the car run and hurried back inside, where Luke was getting ready for Kara's first feed, so I changed Kara's diaper, smothering her face with kisses the whole time. Then I cursed myself out for even picking her up in the first place because of course there were tears in my eyes as I left, and then I felt bad even for that because who would pass up a chance to spend a few minutes with their baby before a long work day?

As delusional as it sounds, I contemplated doing some TLF stuff on my lunch hour, but fooling around on the computer this morning and having to let my car warm up meant I was twenty minutes late for work, and that's when I started thinking, Maybe trying to post TLF tomorrow isn't such a great idea.

Yes, it really took that long, partly because I was so excited to sink my teeth into a project that had nothing to do with work or parenting, but mostly because I've been going on about it for weeks, and I didn't want to let anyone down. I didn't want anyone to miss their TLF fix because I was "too busy" to write it, like I was this big important person with far more sophisticated ways to spend my time then work on the sequel to a story I started when I was fourteen.

But really? I am too busy to write it. To be honest, I'm barely holding it together.

I'm fully aware I put this pressure on myself. On the surface, I feel like nobody expects me to dust and vacuum every week or send baby gifts out on time, but underneath, I constantly think people are judging me, wondering why I can't shape up or get into the rhythm of things. I can't stand it when people appear to be pitying me because I have to go to work and my husband stays home. Samantha called me "noble" and I cringed, because there are so many people in harder situations, so many people with more difficult problems then going back to a job where my work is valued and well compensated. The last thing I want to do is martyr myself. On the other hand, I can't deny that my plate is too full. I'm feeling pulled in all directions. I can't keep up with the pace I've set for myself.

Something's got to give. And right now, that "thing" is this blog.

I won't be gone forever, or probably even as long as I think. I love posting and talking with all of you. This Web site has (sadly?) become a huge part of who I am. But I don't have room for it right now. My plate is too full. I want to spend time with family without scrambling to the computer every ten minutes. I want to write TLF part three without feeling like there's a gun to my head. I want to learn how to be a working mother without trying to spin every single moment into some literary masterpiece. I'm already doing that for Parents. I can't do it here.

I want to read books again. I want to comment on your blogs again. I want to join the gym and talk on the phone and refocus on my job again.

In a nutshell, I want to figure out how to enjoy my life and my new role as a working mom. I've got a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter who both amaze me every single day, and yet, somehow I've allowed the Internet to cast a shadow over both of them because I'm afraid of losing readers. I look back at Amalah's archives during her period back at work and honestly can't believe she posted as often as she did. Even during her maternity leave when she was breastfeeding all the time. I gave in to formula before we even left the hospital and I could barely manage once a week. I've re-read her entries countless times, banged my head against the proverbial wall, thinking, What the hell is my problem?!

Now I get it. My problem is not knowing when to say When. So, just for a little while, I'm finally going to say it.

See you back here soon.

Comments

[Katie]

I think this is fantastic! Now, I am not saying that as a hit against your writing skills. I will miss your posts tremendously :-) (Yours is one of the blogs I check even if my feed reader shows no updates, just in case.) I just think it's fabulous that you're setting a boundary and making a change that you can see that you need. I am so not good at doing that, so it is inspiring to me to see others do it.

[Valerie]

We'll miss you but I'm proud of you for making this call. Family is more important than the internet, whether we want to admit it or not. So get a nice, long baby head fix. We'll see you soon.

[liza]

I say, good for you for taking care of yourself. Your real life needs you.

See you soon...

[Liza]

That's not my comment above.

Take all the time you need, sweetie. All the time you need.

[Allison]

We will be here when you return :-) Your family and your sanity are waaaayyy more important! And, good for you for being able to admit to it! Have fun with that adorable baby!!

[Dawn]

Honey, do what you need to do. Enjoy your baby while you can! The internets will live and will be here when ever you get back.

[Michelle]

Please don't feel bad. You've got so much on your plate right now. This struggle, this "working mom" think is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and it seems like it's going about the same for you. Good luck.

[Christina]

Take your break, love every minute of it!
I wish you the very best in finding this new version of yourself and then learning to balance it all as well. I struggle nearly every day with- who am I now? I am still trying to figure it out. Take care of yourself and your family, take as long as you need. I know I will be here when you are ready, I bet the rest of "us" will be too.

[Sarah @ Ordinary Days]

Sounds like you've got all your ducks in a row and know what you need to do and what can be put on the back burner for a bit. I know that whenever I take a break from my blog (hello, 5 regular readers!) I feel guilty and anxious about losing readers, too. But then I actually LIVE my life and realize I could care less. :) Enjoy your break, and take as long as you need.
And if you want to ever do something in the real world, let me know!

[Mandy]

Good for you!
I know that it will be like that when I go back to work.
That's something that I always need to remind myself, too - to take care of myself.
Take care!
And know that there will be readers to read all about what you have to say when and if you feel like you can sanely return. :-)

[Must Be Motherhood]

I think one of the most difficult things about motherhood is admitting defeat, or rather that even if you don't want them to, things have to change. You'll be a saner person for acting on your own behalf, and as PP have said: Don't worry--we'll still be here when and if you decide to come back!

Ps: I found that being back at work got easier after a month or two. It's not so much that you miss the baby less, it's that you've transitioned into the next phase and get used to it. :( It helps if you know your child has a great caretaker (and yours does) and if you like some aspects of your job/working.

[The Bug]

You will be dearly missed, but snuggle that little baby as much as you want. She smells better than the internet, anyway. Probably even when she poops.

[Operation Pink Herring]

Bravo! I never know when to say "when".

[Becca]

I will miss you too, but good for you for setting priorities and limits for yourself. Enjoy your family, and we'll be here when you get back!

[tasterspoon]

Jeez, no need to beat yourself up. Blogs are a huge burden, psychologically if nothing else, feeling like you "owe" your public. But you don't.

Your (real life) friends will know what you're up to anyway, and to your internet fans you were undoubtedly a lucky find so they take what they can get but hardly expect anything.

Busyness and overwork and tiredness aside, this is one of those times in your life you'll never be able to get back; it's great you've decided to throw yourself into your family 100%.

[Jen]

We'll miss you but seriously- only you know what you need to do for your baby and your family, and most importantly, YOU! The Internet will be here when you've got things back in order- be it 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years ;) Go have fun with that baby!!

[Stacey]

Oh, Frema - you just wrote my life story! Even though I'm not working a job outside the home now, I've done the mommy / working combo and IT IS SO HARD. I thought staying home might afford me a few luxuries that I didn't have when I WAS working, including things like blogging and reading blogs. It has definitely not worked out that way. I think all the time about writing, but it is just so damn hard to fit it in.

We all take on waaaaaay too much as moms, and most of us never listen to the nagging voice in our heads that says "Just STOP - what are the actual priorities here?" Good for you for actually doing it!

I'll definitely be checking in on your parents blog. Enjoy your break and that gorgeous little girl! (Oh my God how I adore her hair!)

[Lindsey]

Oh my gosh, we love you and when you return, we'll still be here. You rock!

Look at it this way, I can barely keep up with my own blog because of a stressful job and a wedding. I am amazed that you've been able to keep up with all of this for so long! You deserve a break, girl!

[Brie]

Oh, Frema! Take a well deserved break! We love you and we'll await your return. And we'll still love you then!

[Jackie]

Hugs to you Frema! Do what you need to do. It's amazing how one little baby can totally shift priorities. Yea Motherhood!

[Lizarita]

Bree-I admire you for taking on so much for THIS long. It's hard. SO HARD to find that balance. Especially when you have those cheeks to snuggle up to. Good luck and don't forget about the Ladyblogs! (Not that you ever COULD forget us:)

[Virginia Gal]

Good for you Bree! Draw that line where it needs to be to make your life better. Of course, you will be missed, but it's better for us internets to miss you than for Kara and Luke.

((hugs))

[daddy d]

Another well thought out choice. It is a joy to see your thoughts work out answers to truly hard problems.

[Debbie]

Don't worry, every new working mom goes through this. You'll get it, and then everything will just click. But until then you will feel unorganized and crazy. And during that time you should be enjoying your free time with your family :)

Can't wait for you to come back!

[Isabel]

How dare you think that your precious new baby, your awesome husband, your family, and your career are more important then us people inside your computer and "Tragic Love Friday"?

Oh right...because they are more important.

We'll be here (excitedly) when you find some free time.

(Oh, and posting pictures of sweet Kara without any words are totally allowed and don't take any time to do!)

[Amy]

Everyone else has already said it better than I can.

Taking care of you, your baby and husband are way more important than anything else could be.

Changes take time to adjust to, so take your time and feel better.

I'll be here when you get back - and it looks like a lot of other people will be too.

[Jen L.]

And this is why we all love you...
Good for you for making this call, lady! Enjoy living the good life. See ya on Parents!

[Sissy]

I'm glad you're gonna try to take it easy on yourself sister. I'm sorry I made you cringe with my comment. I know you know that I didn't mean to make you do that. I love you and hope you're having a great weekend!!

XOXO

[carrster]

Well, you amaze me. Really. Do your thing. We'll be here. You are amazingly talented and a fantastic Mama. That is very very obvious. Enjoy your babe. Enjoy your husband. You deserve it all. Have a fantastic weekend.

[Sadie]

Taking time for yourself and your family is THE most important thing! Do your thing! Be happy! We're all going to still be here when you get back!

[Liana]

Aww! Good luck adjusting to this huge new phase in your life. You can do it!- you can find the best way to do all you need and want to do for yourself and your family.
I'll keep checking back from time to time, even if just to look at your scrumptious baby :)

[eva]

I miss you already but will be sure to keep up with your Parents blog. And good on you for making the best decision for your baby :) Enjoy her and keep taking the time to smell her little head as she snuggles in your arms!

[Rachel]

It always hard to find good balance when you have kids, whether you are writing a blog or just managing everyday tasks. It's hard for everyone. Don't put yourself down for having to put something aside or take a break. If someone judges you because you didn't get the laundry done or you can't "get into the rhythm of things", that person obviously doesn't care about all the things in their life that you do. Outward appearances are not everything in life. Luke and Kara will always be more important and you already know that. Some people have to find out the hard way.

Take your break. Take as long as you need. People that care about you will understand. Kara is only going to be little once, so snuggle that baby until you can't snuggle anymore.

[Jenny]

I miss that new baby smell. xD It's nice when they cuddle up to you and sleep and you're just like WEE GOTTA HUG!!

[moosh in indy.]

Welcome to "falling out of love with your blog part I" It's happened to me several times and you'll come around to it. BUT FOR HELL'S SAKE DON'T EVEN TRY BEFORE YOU'RE READY. In fact, when you think you're ready wait three more days. What's even better is you'll find out who your loyal fans and readers are, the ones who will stick by you when you leave to take care of yourself. And what's EVEN BETTER, is that dozens of more people (strangers, lurkers, stumblers) will love you immediately for your honesty.