Closer to Free

Geez, where have I been? You would think I have a full-time job and a family to tend to. Hmmm.

I'm working on a post about my high school reunion, but today is Luke's and my second wedding anniversary, so it's only right that I take some time to talk about marriage after two years in the trenches.

In the weeks and months before my wedding, I was a nervous wreck. I loved Luke and wanted to be with him, but I was also afraid. Afraid of having to negotiate who I was (long-time readers will remember how conflicted I was over changing my denomination), afraid of being a selfish wife, afraid that my ambitious nature would eventually clash with Luke's tendency to go with the flow. But second-guessing is a part of who I am. I keep one foot in the moment and the other on the fence, always looking for the first sign of trouble, searching for a sign that something is not meant to be.

But on May 12, 2006, standing in front of our pastor as the wind wrapped around our gazebo like a blanket, surrounded by family and friends, I believed our love was enough. I believed our future would be more than worth any hardships that came our way.

And there have been a few, the most significant one thus far being our decision to keep me at work and Luke at home. On paper, it was the best way to achieve all the goals we had for our family, but in my heart, I struggled. The weekend before I went back, there was a lump in my throat that would not go away, a proverbial devil on my shoulder that told me to be angry with Luke for not doing everything in his power to "let me" be a stay-at-home mom, to resent him for positioning me as Breadwinner, a title I never wanted.

I knew marriage would be hard, but only in the broadest sense. For the first time, Hard was tangible.

But I swallowed my tears and bit my tongue and became the person my family needed me to be. It wasn't easy, but here we are, two and a half months later, and there is a rhythm to our life that I never thought possible. Now I am completely sure it was meant to be this way, couldn't work any other way, and both our marriage and our daughter are better for it. It was only after saying good-bye to my preconceived notions of Wife and Mother and letting the good of our family take the lead that I found a level of fulfillment that couldn't have been achieved otherwise.

In the media and in our personal lives, relationships solidify and dissolve like snowflakes that stick to the pavement until the sun melts them away. And now, just two years into marriage, it's easier to understand why. I can't count how many times I've given Luke the cold shoulder over a perceived injustice, content to bask in self-righteousness, only to hang my head in front of him the next morning--unable to meet his eyes, tears running down my face--and stumble through an apology.

It's frustrating to rank second in the interest of the whole. It's embarrassing to say "I'm sorry." It's much easier to scrap the whole thing and start over with someone new.   

At our wedding, I thought love would be the glue that held our marriage together, but now I know it's commitment. Love is easy. People break up all the time and talk about how they still love their exes. Every person has traits worth falling for. But to accept their shortcomings? Forgive when they hurt you without keeping score and STILL be in love? Nothing is more difficult.

Or more rewarding.

When I was senior in college, in a class that placed my faith-based coursework in a wider context, my professor said something that really resonated with me. He said that with each choice you make, you become more free.

On the surface, it seems contradictory--when accepting one path, you inevitably say good-bye to another--but it's through the process of decision making that we open ourselves to advancement. My life with Luke is proof of that, because prior to our wedding, we were in a constant state of flux: should we say "I love you," should we move in together, should we tie the knot. Once we did that last thing, a brand-new set of choices lay before us, more sophisticated than those we contemplated before, but not as fundamental. Suddenly we were concerned with how to manage our careers, where we wanted to live, and when to expand our family.

These days, our jobs are chosen, for now. Housing will soon sort itself out. And we have the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Now it's time to sort through the details, like saving for college and building retirement and bringing more children into the mix. I don't have to worry about whether or not we'll make it. The alternative is no longer an option.

Happy anniversary, honey.

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Visit Parental Discretion Advised to read about Kara's upcoming foray into cereal, my new parenting mantra, and the details of a very special Walgreens trip. You won't be disappointed.

Comments

[Katie]

This is a fantastic post. Very inspiring. Maybe I should "swallow my tears and bit(e) my tongue" over that whole stay at home mom thing. Four years later, I still can't give up the dream or the attendant resentment. Though my situation is slightly different than yours ;-)

[ellinghouse]

What a great post! Congrats for making it thus far. My hope for you is many more blessed years to come...

[liz]

best wishes to you and luke for a very happy, very special anniversary.
may your love always grow.

[Becca]

What a wonderful post and a wonderful couple! Happy anniversary.

[Virginia Gal (Mrs. Higrens)]

"It's much easier to scrap the whole thing and start over with someone new." So true. It's the choice to stick with someone through the rough patches (either personal and/or as a couple) that is hard. You said it better.

Happy 2nd Anniversary!

[Nichole]

This is so honest and so true. Thank you for sharing it.

[Liana]

Happy Anniversary!!
I love this post. Being in our 6th year of marriage, my husband and I couldn't agree more with what you've written here.
We also have a slightly less "conventional" marriage, but for now, things couldn't work any other way and we're very satisfied with our system.
We've seen more than one young couple around our age divorce, and part of the reason was that they tried to force their marriages into a certain mold with certain preconceived notions, and...well, who they were as people and as couples didn't fit that mold. Granted, it wasn't the only reason for the divorces, but I'm glad you emphasized getting rid of such notions in order to make your family the best it can be. Everything else you've pointed out- esp. having to apologize (so hard!), accepting shortcomings and CHOOSING to be committed- all of those are key ingredients in our success as a married couple, too.:)
Congratulations to you and Luke!!!

[Marriage-101]

Happy 2nd Anniversary! It's funny that just two years ago, both of us were taking walks down the aisle. Now our lives are so completely different. I thought my life had changed post-marriage, but yours REALLY changed. I'm sure I'll be there too someday.

[Brooke]

Happy Anniversary!!!! (I took that picture! hee hee)

[Ree]

What a lovely post Frema. Congratulations to you both - wait. To all 3 of you!

[Kayte]

What a beautiful post. Happy (a day late) 2nd anniversary! :) Kara is looking beautiful!

[Molly]

Happy Anniversary!!

That was a beautifully written post, and so true.

[Erika]

I think you've really hit the nail on the head with this post. I'm likewise rather new to marriage (almost 2 1/2 years) and there are indeed times when you are presented with choices and you must choose to be together.

It's the difference between staying and talking an issue through vs. leaving the house and sleeping somewhere else. It's choosing to forgive your spouse even when they've hurt your feelings so badly you feel injured. It's giving up the last brownie when your spouse has had a worse day than you even though you were looking forward to eating it all day.

I respect your views on this and have faith that you and Luke will continue to thrive in your marriage. You're a beautiful family and I wish you the very happiest of anniversaries!

[Amy]

I love, adore and treasure love - thank you for sharing yours!

My partner and I are in our eighth year of marriage and I think we are closer now and get on better than we ever have before.

We got married very young [18 for me; 19 for her] and a lot of people said it wouldn't work, but her Dad said that we'd grow up and grow together and he was right.

This: "I don't have to worry about whether or not we'll make it. The alternative is no longer an option." - is exactly how I feel about it too.

[HollowSquirrel]

Dang, girl, that post made me tear up. Beautifully written by a beautiful woman. Love to all three of you on your anniversary. Ok, now give an extra squeeze to Kara. And another. That girl is too cute. Thank you.

[Rachel]

That was beautiful. Happy Anniversary to you and Luke. Without a doubt there will be many many more in your future.

[MIL Molly]

Happy Anniversary to you and Luke. As I read your post, I am listening to your wedding CD. The words of Sara Evans in "A Real Fine Place to Start" seem to resonate with your profound thoughts.

[daddy d]

Happy Number Two. It is a great joy to be part of all those years together.

[Must Be Motherhood]

Oh, the first time the difficulties are tangible really IS shocking, isn't it? It's like everything else in life: you hear and watch and empathize with the rest of the world and then it happens to YOU and you think-my God. THIS is what it feels like? THIS is why people run away or change their mind. I GET it. Wow. It's hard.
The maturity, humility and patience required to stick it out astounds me sometimes. Glad you're finding it when you need it.
Happy anniversary.

[Jen L.]

Happy Anniversary!!

[Sarah @ Ordinary Days]

Happy Anniversary! What a cute family. :)

[Judy]

ok, first off, happy anniversary!!

second, i really have to thank you for sharing the fears/hesitations you had before your wedding. you and i must have the same brains because i am SO TOTALLY THE SAME. the whole "second-guessing" thing is something i do ALL. THE. TIME. even when just trying to figure out what i want to eat for lunch! so anyway, knowing that there is another out there made me feel less psycho. :) I am definitely struggling with the marriage thing right now (4 months to go!). I don't want to lose things that make me me, but I also want to stop being selfish and start thinking in terms of "we". If you possibly have any advice or strategy, send me a note. :)

[Christar]

Happy Anniversary!!! I love how you talk about what it REALLY means to have a relationship. I worry so much about all the things you talk about in your pre~marriage state. Glad to know I'm not the only one, and that in the end, things will be ok. :)