Closer to fine

I am seriously in awe of newish moms who are able to blog more than once every few weeks. Good Lord, where do you find the time? My intentions are good, but between changing diapers and doling out snacks and paying the bills and remembering to shower, this Web site always gets the short end of the stick until I can't take the dust anymore; then I pound out seventy million paragraphs that probably would have worked better as several concise entries but, well, this boot-camp phase of my life doesn't allow for such strategic blog posting. That said, just one day shy of Nathan's nine-week birthday, I feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

A lot's happened since I last wrote. For starters, thanks to a switch in formula and bottle type, we have a much happier boy on our hands. Nathan is still high maintenance in the sense that being held is not always enough to calm him, and he still spits up a lot more than Kara ever did, but he's no longer screaming for hours every day; in fact, he's finally starting to enjoy life, smiling at us, cooing at my over-the-top baby antics ("Hi there, handsome boy!"), showing interest in rattles and toys, even paying attention to some of Kara's books during our various marathon reading sessions. He's still not even close to sleeping through the night, though, and because Kara was clocking eight-hour stretches the night she turned six weeks old, this kind of sleep deprivation so far into the newborn phase is majorly kicking our asses. Luke and I are both well aware that hers was not typical baby behavior, and I don't want to be all about the comparisons, but dude. THIS FAMILY NEEDS SLEEP. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, SON.

The change in Nathan's temperament combined with the slow return of spring has encouraged us to get out with the kids more often. We bit the bullet and purchased a double stroller, a Graco Quattro Tour Duo to be exact, a stroller that sold me on the color scheme alone, but so far we've only used it a couple of times because damn, that thing is hard to navigate, and when Luke and I are both around, it makes more sense to pair one child with each adult rather than burden one of us with roughly thirty-eight pounds of baby weight.

But look! So pretty!

 

There's a short walking trail behind our subdivision that leads into an even fancier one, and now it's one of my favorite things about where we live, because no longer are we confined to loop in circles like we were at our apartment complex, and gone are the days of having to pack up and drive to another part of the city to stretch our legs. I think this will be key to me getting back into shape, as I'm too busy playing catch-up after work to commit to a gym and I'm just not motivated enough to join Weight Watchers again. Instead, I'm trying to maintain perspective, reminding myself that birthing two babies in two years is hard work, and my body needs longer than six weeks to heal.

You like how I casually slipped in that whole "Oh, yeah, I'm back at work" reference? Because yes. I am back at work. And if you think leaving one baby at home is hard, just try it with two.

I'm lucky, though, that the transition has been much smoother. I had an infinitely easier time finding transitional clothes to wear while I'm (half-heartedly) working on my fitness, and that's been a huge boost to my self-esteem. Last time I was trying to squeeze myself into tens and twelves and failing miserably, resulting in an Ugly Cry in one of Eddie Bauer's dressing rooms last year. This time around, I had a Reality sandwich and just got the size fourteens I needed to keep my muffin top squarely at bay. And do you know that even though I was smaller last year, I look much better now because I'm actually wearing clothes that fit, that are a smidge too big even, and when that happens, there is no muffin top? There are no unflattering bulges! Who knew? Once again, I wonder if I've been in denial about my true size all along. We'll see what happens as I start shedding these extra layers of skin.

Anyway, work. I went back on Tuesday, and while the days leading up to it were pretty stressful, it felt kind of nice to get back into the swing of things and start concentrating on my family's new version of normal. On the flip side, I never knew what to say when people asked if I was happy to be back, because no, actually, I wasn't happy, I was flipping out over how Luke would manage the needs of two babies without losing his damn mind, and I was missing my children something fierce, and I'm sure that was evident by the look on my face. When I pulled into our driveway a little after four (still doing the seven to three-thirty with only a half-hour for lunch), Luke and Kara were staring at me from her bedroom on the second floor, Kara waving her sweet little fingers off, and I ran in as fast as I could, scooped her in my arms, and promptly burst into tears. I did it again at seven-thirty, uttering a strangled, "It's bedtime already?" as Luke went to bring her upstairs. The other thing that's been hard is dividing my time between both Kara and Nathan, trying to give them each my undivided attention, but I fail almost every time because when I'm reading to Kara, Nathan's crying to be held and when I'm holding Nathan, Kara is running after me with a book in her hand. To combat this, I've decided to take back ownership of Kara's night-time routine, since Nathan goes to bed so much later and there's still plenty of time to hang out with him one-on-one before I hit the sack around midnight or later, depending on the timing of his bottle. I've been pestering Luke with talk of two-versus-three almost every day since we brought him home, and now that I'm back in the corporate grind, I'm imagining what it would feel like to timeshare with yet another child, wondering if that will be the proverbial nail in my reproductive coffin.

ANYWAY, now that we're finally living our new version of normal, I'm continuing to challenge myself to let go of the small stuff and focus on important things like spending time with Luke and the kids, improving my health, stealing some quality time with my pillow, and picking up the house during an episode of Lost. On hold are things like mopping floors, cleaning out closets, updating baby books, making out a will and trust (for all my bitching and moaning about this before Kara's birth, I still don't have this done), and repopulating our new phone book until Nathan has a more predictable sleep schedule and we all have a better handle on our routine. Until then, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best I can with the precious time I do have. I'm also holding on to this new feeling of peace, because even though life is hella crazy right now, I really do have it all. A wonderful husband, beautiful children, well-paying job, a place to lay my head, food to put on my table. When I think about how blessed I am, it truly blows my mind.

 

Nathan: How did you people ever get along without me?

Frema: I don't know, son, but at least we were well rested.

I've said before that 2009 will be about finding a new balance for my family and maximizing our time together, and getting a better handle on our priorities also means we'll probably see a little less of our extended families; at the very least, we'll be mostly staying put and they'll be coming to us. While it was a lot of fun to see everyone so much last year, it also took a huge toll on us, and now that we're farther south than we were in the apartment, it takes three hours to get to Luke's parents' house and four to get to Chicago, and that's without even one bathroom break, which, HELLO, two babies, ain't no way THAT'S gonna happen. I refuse to piss away my remaining PTO with half days here and there so we can run around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to cram a weekend's worth of diapers and clothes and toys into a gazillion duffel bags and listening to the kids whine in their car seats and attempting to time our breaks so that we can get everyone fed and changed in as few stops as possible and then come home on Sunday minutes before bedtime with no time to recharge before the upcoming week. Next year will be a different story, when both kids are off the bottle and sleeping through the night, but right now, it's just too hard. That said, this past weekend we did make the trip north to see everyone, seeing as I had added two weeks of vacation on top of the six weeks of paid leave generously granted by my employer, and I wanted to make them count. Plus, I was dying to introduce Nathan to my side of the family, as Dan, Samantha, and baby Danny were the only ones to meet him until then.

 

Here's Kara having a jolly good time in Luke's old backyard.

 

Daddy D, Kara, and Grandma before our drive to Chicago.

 

The majority of mi familia loca. Look at all those babies! If two of them weren't mine, I would totally be spiking a temperature. You know, because of the baby fever.

 

Me lovin' on my nephew Danny. The last couple of times Samantha and I have gotten our families together, our time was cut short by one medical emergency or another (remember Kara's party?), so this was the first time in a long time I was free to snuggle her baby. He looks so much like Samantha did when she was his age it's scary. So I was a little emotional.

 

One day they'll be knee-deep in snips of snails and puppy-dog tails, but for right now, Nathan and Danny are still working on forming their magical bond.

 

My nine-week-old family of four. I think we're gonna make it after all.

Comments

[Bren]

You look fantastic! Your kids are absolutely adorable!

[Operation Pink Herring]

I can't believe how quickly Kara has gone from being a baby to a real live, gorgeous little GIRL!

[Liz]

Kind of sort of related, I read your parents post about family size and I have to ask, what's wrong with hormonal birth control? Do I not know about some research or something? I feel like I'm missing something.

I would've commented over there but you have to register and since I only go there for your posts (seeing as how I'm not a parent) I kind of hate that about their site. So I'm asking here :)

[Liz]

PS your family of four is ADORABLE. Kara is growing so quickly and I love that she's such an avid book lover already.

[Frema]

Liz: With hormonal birth control, the potential is there to make your uterus an inhospitable environment in the rare event that an egg is fertilized so the egg will not implant. According to the Planned Parenthood Web site, there is no proof this actually happens, and my doctor even said the Pill itself doesn't work that way, but the whole concept makes me uncomfortable. I don't like the idea of possibly interfering with the life process once it's begun, even if the odds of it happening are extremely rare. I fully acknowledge that I'm overly cautious about this, and I would never try to convince another woman to stop using birth control. Babies are HARD, yo.

[Jen L.]

That is a great stroller. And I was fine til the pictures, then I cried. God, I am a sappy mess. ;) It's because tiny baby boys are just so damn sweet.

Your plan sounds good. That is one of the best parts about living closer to our families: they can come to us! I was hoping for a nice Christmas at home this year instead of the 21 day travelling nightmare we endured last year, but my sister in law just informed us we'll be getting a new family member around the holidays, so I guess we're going to DC again!

Your little family looks great, Frema. And you're doing a wonderful job at taking it all in stride.

[rkmama]

That stroller lured me in with it's color scheme, too! Sadly Keaton hated it, so we ended up selling it and getting a BOB for each kid (our trail system is unpaved) and an Ergo.
I remember coming home from work and gluing myself to Rowan. Bill would have to physically pull her from me to put her to bed. (He knew if I did it I would rock her for 45 minutes after she fell asleep so I could sniff her head.) I find it hard to balance my time between the two and now I spend all day with them so I really sympathize with you for having to fit all your head sniffing time into a few short hours (when you also have dinner, baths etc. to take care of, phew!).
You look great and everyone looks happy- Yay!

[Megan]

God, I can't believe I missed your last post. I feel like I am you right now, minus the older kiddo. My daughter is 5 weeks, and seems to be a clone of Nathan: the spitting up, the incessant screaming and fussiness, and the need to be held 100% of the time. I can't even imagine doing this with TWO kids.

I'd be curious to know how you're doing w/ the formula/bottles, b/c we're heading down that road this weekend. I think she needs Zantac too, she seems so uncomfortable after eating. Dr. Brown's are working ok for us for now.

[daddyd]

You are not only making it, your are doing a super job. Now is the time frame to settle into getting through the night and to work and home again. As time goes on it will get easier and easier.

[AJU5's Mom]

I love the pictures! You look great 9 weeks postpartum (especially since that is #2 in less than 15 months!)

[Molly]

Ohhh yeahhh! I loved your marathon entry! These pictures make me want to hit the highway to eat your children up. I can't wait to come down for a visit. :o)

Also, Danny is getting so big!

[Sara]

It's so hard to take them to daycare, isn't it? Every day is a marathon that never ends and then there's the emotional toll - I'm not crying as I leave him anymore but it still kinda breaks my heart. I only get a little time with him in the evening before it's bedtime so now my new worry, believe it or not, is that he's sleeping too much. I'm sure he's actually not. By the way, I blog in short snippets while he sleeps, and it's mostly housework-be-damned. Take care, and you look great.

[Amy]

Wonderful to hear from you. Glad to know that everything is still ticking along and you're happy. Your family is lovely.

[Jessi]

You guys are looking great! I love the last picture, where it looks like Kara is waving at the camera! :)

[Grandma Molly]

I love your title as well as this post. The Indigo Girls came on the radio a few days before you wrote this post. Miles commented that this was your song. You and your little family really are "closer to fine" in many ways. I just found and will be listening all of the wedding tunes including "Closer to Fine."

(I am in awe of anyone who posts more than every few weeks. My last post was February 8th.)

[Lindsey]

OH THE BABY FEVER!!! OOOH! Your family of four is so amazing and beautiful and a miracle! Clearly, I could go on and on. I'm just so happy for you guys.

[Parsing Nonsense]

Kara seems like such a funny little person, what a cutie!