Luke and Bree plus three?

Now that the kids are a little older and every second of the day isn't solely focused on survival, Luke and I are finally in a place to start putting the finishing touches on our home. We made the move last October, and yet we still have walls that are bare, pictures that are outdated or missing altogether (didn't we give birth to a son in January?), knick knacks that need staging, files that need organizing, boxes that need sorting through.... You get the picture. As a result, we're now re-evaluating the usefulness and/or necessity of every piece of furniture, every stitch of clothing, every picture, file, and knick knack that we have, the goal being to keep only those things that bring us the greatest joy, meet our basic needs, and make our lives a little easier so we can spend less time picking up after ourselves and more time doing. Yesterday, I gave an armful of clothes, five pairs of shoes, and several old duffel bags to Goodwill, and looking at all the new space in my closet was not unlike going on a first date that involves dinner and second base. Not that I could recite the technical definition of second base, mind you, but in my head, it's some pretty good stuff.

Anyway, when I received word that my Parents job was ending, another goal was thrown into the mix: make a little money. In this economy, it's all about the Benjamins, y'all, one man's trash is another man's treasure, and I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. (If you can think of other personal finance cliches, knock yourself out. Bonus points for those born from early nineties rap.)

ANYWAY. Enter the baby clothes.

As Kara (rapidly) outgrew each stage of (her precious, adorable) clothing, everything was laundered and folded and blessed and placed neatly into Tuperware bins to use for the next baby. Items ranged from onesies she practically lived in to a three-month winter suit she wore maybe once on a stroller ride with Daddy to a newborn coming-home outfit she never wore at all because as it turns out, eleven-pound infants were not built to wear such tiny things.

 

Another Parents.com gem taken about ten days after Kara was born, just in time for our annual Christmas card. In case you're wondering, the sleeper and the Santa hat both made the cut.

Since Nathan's closet is smaller, we've been going through his things every couple of sizes, but except for one major purging before we moved into the house, Kara's things were left relatively untouched. As she is our first precious baybeee, it was emotional for the both of us, going through those bins, and there were tears and heartfelt talks over what we wanted to hold onto and what we were okay offering to the world (for cash), and as I sniffled sadly into the sleeve of my shirt and lamented the possibility of never being in this exact stage again, I wailed for the zillionth time, "Do you really think we're done?"

My husband blew me away by replying that he really wasn't sure. However, he added, "I think we're sad for different reasons."

"What do you mean?" I said, recovering from my latest Ugly Cry.

"I'm sad about Kara never being this little again, not about not doing this again."

 

Kara at eight months, watching me leave for work on a random weekday morning. I can't remember if we kept these pjs or not. I hope so.

The topic of more children was revisited Saturday morning, after I reorganized Kara's closet to store our bassinet, which until today had been residing in our master bedroom, serving as a drying rack and/or storage unit, take your pick, and isn't THAT exactly what you want in your line of vision as you get ready to...well, you know.

As I refolded the few baby blankets we decided to hold onto and placed them on the bassinet's mattress, I asked Luke again, "Do you still think you're okay not having another baby?"

And he sighed, because hot damn, is he married to a woman with a one-track mind or what, but once again, he conceded, "Maybe not. I don't know. I don't mean to leave you hanging, but I really don't know," adding, "...but probably."

The conversation rarely ends here. There's been a lot of talk about other ways to add to our family; the door is currently open to either adoption or foster parenting, though Luke isn't ready to do any soul-searching on either one. Which is totally understandable, seeing as our oldest isn't even potty-trained and our youngest can't stand on his own two feet without assistance. Why do I keep pushing for an answer to a question that doesn't need an answer right now? Why can't I just be happy with the family we have and let the future work itself out?

 

Me at 40 weeks with Kara. If a third pregnancy isn't in the cards, I certainly won't miss looking like an item of interest on a whale expedition.

I'll tell you why. Because I don't want to worry about contraception for the entire length of my thirties. Because I don't want to drag out my child-birthing years with large age gaps between a second and third child. Because I know Luke wants to go back to work someday. Because I know we would want a parent at home with any kids younger than school age. Because we have other plans for our life, plans that don't include changing diapers, washing bottles, or rocking babies to sleep at two o'clock in the morning, and I want to know when those plans might possibly become a reality.

When it comes to physically producing another baby, Luke is very, very hesitant, not just because he's quite happy with the two we already have, the two who are extremely close in age and who try his patience on a daily basis, but he's also concerned about what a third pregnancy might mean for me. I developed pre-eclampsia with Nathan, and in hindsight, I think I probably had it with Kara, on a low enough scale that the doctors just missed it. If that's actually the case, I got it the second time around a little earlier, so who knows when it would rear its ugly head with number three. Plus, you know, gestation, so tiring, so draining, and recovery from a third c-section? I don't even want to think about it. Breastfeeding/pumping/weaning again? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. It's just been in the last few months that I've finally started feeling like myself again. It started with the 30 Day Shred back in May and has climaxed these last couple of weeks as I build on my training for my upcoming 5K. I am 29 years old. I want to look and feel 29. I don't think that's unreasonable.

But then I think about never getting a positive pregnancy test again, never seeing a baby of mine on an ultrasound again, never feeling kicks and flutters inside my belly again, never having the most perfect human being I've ever seen in my life be removed from my uterus again, and I am filled with sadness. I remember being in recovery with Nathan a couple of hours after he was born, resting in bed, holding him in my arms, nuzzling his cheek and kissing his head, and telling Molly, "I understand why some women have eight babies." And I did understand. Those moments of getting to know him were worth every ounce of discomfort, every minute of confusion. I knew it with Kara and confirmed it with my son.

 

Nathan at eight or nine weeks, I think, donning a sleeper that Luke wore when he was a baby. I don't care if we get our next child at eight YEARS old, he/she is wearing this sleeper, damn it, family traditions and all that.

In the event, though, that we did close the pregnancy chapter of our lives and expand our clan using alternative methods, I think adoption or foster parenting would be a wonderful fit for Luke and me and the kids. I've always been drawn to the idea of taking in a child who needs a loving home; when I was in middle school, I told all my friends that I would never give birth to a baby, not ever, because there were too many children already in the world who didn't have anybody to love them. I spent half my junior year thinking about becoming a nun because I adored the sisters at my high school so much, so obviously lil' Frema's decision-making processes were a little extreme back then, but I still agree there are too many children who need parents and love and education and quality medical care, and Luke and I have such a good life to offer another child that I can't imagine not doing it. Though I can imagine not doing it, because of the oodles of money you have to shell out and the hoops you have to jump through and the fact that patience has never been my strong suit and it's already spread thin with two kids. A third might very well push me over the edge, however he/she gets here.

Nothing is set in stone either way, and like I said, Luke really isn't up for talking about this in-depth right now, but so far it seems like we might lean more towards foster parenting with an open option to adopt. I attribute my feelings to reading The Pinballs in fifth grade. What? It was a really, really good book.

 

Nathan around four months, probably, because he's still in his swing. Actually, it's Molly's swing, but whatever, we're all family around here.

Finally, I haven't written off going along with Luke's initial thought of just being happy with the two beautiful children we have. There's something to be said for leaving these early years in the past and enjoying the new experiences that come along with getting older. Luke and I have loved watching Kara come into her own, increasing her vocabulary, showing interest in potty training, delighting in chapter books, going down kiddie slides at the park. And Nathan is in one of my favorite baby stages--he can transport himself to any area he wants and entertain himself for longer periods of time, he's smiling and laughing and snuggling and kissing (read: sucking on your knee). And while he's once again taken to waking up at night, we can still count on getting in a respectable block of sleep. His newborn days were hard, so very hard, and it took us completely by surprise because Kara was such an easy-going baby, no gas problems, no screaming for hours a day despite being nestled safely in our arms. Who knows how a third child would rock our world?

We also have big plans for retirement savings and 529 plans and traveling the world and being charitable, and all of that takes money. The bigger our family, the smaller our financial nest egg will be for all of these areas.

 

This is a recent, non-Parents shot of Kara and Nathan oohing and aahing over the Lost A Sock family's shiny, red fire truck. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, bestowing my mad mothering skills only upon them.

The hardest thing about this decision is that there's no right or wrong answer. All of the reasons I've given for having another child are just as valid as the reasons for being done. In the end, it's not really about money for your golden years or nursing difficulties or your personal reserves, it's about what you feel called to do in your heart. All I can do right now is think and pray and continue to share my feelings with Luke and also SHUT UP ALREADY, because holy hell, the last thing we need as we work this out is pressure. Sometimes the best action plan isn't to search for answers, it's to let them come.

Comments

[Rachel]

I am going through the same thought processes, even though I just have the one super easy baby. But here is the point of my comment:

The Pinballs! That is the exact same reason that I keep circling back to foster care! I still have my copy! Nice that someone else knows what it is. Yeah!

[Dorie]

I love this post. I can totally relate to every single sentence. We're also trying to make a decision about #3. I'm ready (I think), hubby's undecided but leaning towards having another.

Our youngest is almost 3 so we feel it's now or never. But never just doesn't feel right. You are so right that none of the reasons matter. What matters is what you feel called to do.

I think we'll have another and look back in a few years and wonder what all the indecision was all about.

[Trilby]

"Sometimes the best action plan isn't to search for answers, it's to let them come." Well said, very well said! I may print that out and tape it to my computer screen. [giving you full credit, of course:)]

[blooot]

I was in your exact boat several years ago. My daughter born Nov 2003, my son 13 months later in Dec 2004.

I threw away every maternity item, and most of the baby stuff save for a few really adorable outfits. I was DONE. Had an IUD just because I was so done. We were done having kids. I was going back to teaching next year when my son hit kindergarten.

My babies are 4 and 5 now, and this summer I found out I was pregnant again. Surprise!

But it's okay. Because I'm in a different place than I was 5 years ago, I see things differently, and I'm not coming off a solid two years of pregnancy. Time changes perspective so much.

[Julie]

I am not in the same position as you, but am still struggling with the same basic question: when are we done? We have three kids in three years. And I have my hands full. BTW, 3 kicked my butt. Not to scare you, but it is harder than I expected. So what's a girl to do? I don't want 3 close then a gap before a 4th, and I like that we won't have to upgrade our vehicle, and that I could start giving away the baby things, and I could think about going back to work. And yet, I know I will regret not having one more. Not now. Not even in a few years, but when they are older and raised and Christmas rolls around, will I look around the room and wonder what the last one would have been like?
I am told that you'll know when you are done, but what if you don't, or what if your spouse doesn't agree? I am giving myself a year to change my mind, but right now, I think that the regret will kill me more than the long night hours and the financial strain of me not going back to work for ANOTHER 2 years. Thanks for letting me vent, and good luck with your decision. It won't be easy either way.
PS I totally admire you for taking on those 5ks! You're awesome!

[eva]

We're in that position about having a SECOND child. Exactly. Minus the foster/adopt ideas, but totally with you on not wanting to be done with feeling kicks and flutters, and for me, it's wanting to see how much more I'd appreciate babyhood with a second child. Brad feels about a 2nd much the way that Luke seems to about a 3rd though, so we are still in discussions. We are young enough to not really need a final answer yet though which is nice!

[AJU5's Mom]

I bet we will be right there with you on this debate in about a year! We both agree that we don't want more than 3. But, I don't think either of us is sure about #3. We used to be 2 and done people, but three is becoming more of a possibility these days.

As for kicks and flutters, I could be done for a while. I am tired of being kept up at night by them! But during the day, they are so fun!

[Jen L.]

I always wanted 3. After Dean was born and I truly felt the effects of pre-eclampsia and an emergency c-section, Marcus and I decided 2 might be the magic number. Now that we know that more biological babies are not in the cards for us, we've kind of made peace with it. The day we found out we couldn't have more, I was heartbroken. Then Marcus reminded me that there will always be kids in our life, whether they are our college-aged students, our neices and nephews or another child who needs us and finds his or her way to us. I think you're the same way--you'll always have kids in your life and you'll find your own way to take care of them, even if they don't spring from your own womb.

And at the risk of sharing TMI, I am SO done with birth control. We've been together 11 years, we're done having babies, let's do something about this. There are two words going around our house a lot these days: SNIP and SNIP! (His idea, by the way.)

[Cookie]

My husband and I are struggling with this very thing. And what makes it harder is that I have two boys rather than one of each. It's hard not to want to try for that little girl. My children aren't as close as yours with almost 3 years between them, but I'm looking forward to when I would need to get pregnant to keep that same distance (February) and I just don't feel ready. I don't know if I'll ever feel ready for to be pregnant again as much as I want another baby. I'm finally starting to get settled in my career. I'm working on my degree. My toddler will be potty-trained soon. Do I really want to start the baby stage over? It's such a difficult question. It's always nice to read that I'm not alone.

[Melissa]

You don't need to do birth control your entire 30s. We have one (all we wanted, at least biologically) and after a VERY difficult pregnancy, I said never again.

I had an IUD from my 6 week post partum appt until this past April (2 yrs.). Then the husband got a vastectomy.

Any guy who won't get one is selfish, IMO. After all, we manage birth control and pregnancy and recovery (whether c-section or vaginal, it is a recovery). The procedure took 45 minutes, including prep and filling out forms. He sat for one day and took it easy for the next couple. Then he was fine, said it was no big deal.

I just don't think that women should have to be responsible for birth control for years. Or that you have to prop up whatever condom manufacturer for years on end.

[Frema]

@Melissa: To your overall point, yes, I agree that birth control is not the sole responsibility of one partner (i.e., the woman). But that's not happening with Luke and me. I don't feel comfortable with hormonal birth control, and while watching my cycle worked before we had Kara, now that we know I get pregnancy pretty easily, it's not a method we want to rely on anymore. So for us, this means condoms until we are for sure settled on the issue of more (biological) children. Once we agree that we're done, Luke will get The Snip. So when I say contraception, I mean short-term birth control, not permanent sterilization, and I don't want to deal with the issue of contraception for years on end. That's just one of the reasons I'm thinking so much about this now.

I've written about this before, but if you're a new reader, you wouldn't have known that. No worries.

Thanks for commenting!

[Must Be Motherhood]

I didn't realize it would be so hard to make these decisions either. My husband and I always knew we wanted children, but how many never felt settled. He says he's done. I'm kind of done with the years of pregnancy/breastfeeding/low libido/no sleep/crying/whining/diapers myself. But like Cookie, I've got two boys and would love a girl. I don't really want to be pregnant again, but the idea of never feeling the flutter of a little kick inside me or snuggling with a newborn is a bit heartbreaking. You've got age on your side--I'm already 35; to be smart I need to get cracking in another year or so if we want 3. And yeah...there's the $ and the stalled career (for me). Argh.

[Artful Kisser]

Hi. I just wanted to say that photograph of you at 40 weeks is absolutely adorable. My husband took many similar photos of me sleeping and earth shatteringly large during my pregnancy and I can't bear to look at them but I find other women in these poses oh so charming.

I'm 35 and hope we can have another child in a year or two. But we've been having similar discussions for the past 4 years as I'm unable to use hormonal contraception and being super fertile we don't want to leave anything to chance. We've gone round and round all the possibilities (condoms are the answer, albeit with continual complaints from pouting husband) with the answer being "Why haven't they ever been able to come up with a male pill???"

[Mel]

I've been reading for a little while now, and just thought I would leave a comment. I also have a baby who was 11 lbs. at birth. I also got pregnant when he was six months old. I'm due at the end of March. I've always wanted four, but we will see how it goes with 2 who are 15 months apart first. :)

[hair clips]

I'm still about to have my first baby and is so excited about it. I never thought the feeling of wanting-a-baby-but-not-ready-for-it will come. I told my self that I'll have a maximum of 2 children only. So I hope I can stick to it.

[Laura]

I guess this has nothing to do with the blog posted but I used to read your Parents blog and was very said to see it end. Luckily, I found this one and really enjoy it. I have an almost 3 year old and a 5 month old and can relate to pretty much everything you write about. It is nice to see that someone else is going through the same things. Plus - I love the babysitters club! Keep up the good work! There - now I am not a lurker anymore.

[lisa]

I also migrated over from Parents. My (surprise!) second baby came along one day shy of 12 months after the first. And I go to work every day while my husband stays at home with them, not because it was our first choice, but because it made the most sense financially. Sometimes I look at my two girls and think they are absolutely enough for me and I could do without going through the newborn stage ever again. But then the thought of never giving birth again is too sad to even think about! (They are 5 months and 17 months, so do I need to make a decision now? NO! But do I neeeeeeed to make one? YES!)

All of this to say, I appreciate your writing!

[wolfbaby]

I know why its so important i waited for my third and regret it dreadfully.... I have had three miscarriages now and wish i hadn't waited.