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September 14, 2009


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I am going through the same thought processes, even though I just have the one super easy baby. But here is the point of my comment:

The Pinballs! That is the exact same reason that I keep circling back to foster care! I still have my copy! Nice that someone else knows what it is. Yeah!

I love this post. I can totally relate to every single sentence. We're also trying to make a decision about #3. I'm ready (I think), hubby's undecided but leaning towards having another.

Our youngest is almost 3 so we feel it's now or never. But never just doesn't feel right. You are so right that none of the reasons matter. What matters is what you feel called to do.

I think we'll have another and look back in a few years and wonder what all the indecision was all about.

"Sometimes the best action plan isn't to search for answers, it's to let them come." Well said, very well said! I may print that out and tape it to my computer screen. [giving you full credit, of course:)]

I was in your exact boat several years ago. My daughter born Nov 2003, my son 13 months later in Dec 2004.

I threw away every maternity item, and most of the baby stuff save for a few really adorable outfits. I was DONE. Had an IUD just because I was so done. We were done having kids. I was going back to teaching next year when my son hit kindergarten.

My babies are 4 and 5 now, and this summer I found out I was pregnant again. Surprise!

But it's okay. Because I'm in a different place than I was 5 years ago, I see things differently, and I'm not coming off a solid two years of pregnancy. Time changes perspective so much.

I am not in the same position as you, but am still struggling with the same basic question: when are we done? We have three kids in three years. And I have my hands full. BTW, 3 kicked my butt. Not to scare you, but it is harder than I expected. So what's a girl to do? I don't want 3 close then a gap before a 4th, and I like that we won't have to upgrade our vehicle, and that I could start giving away the baby things, and I could think about going back to work. And yet, I know I will regret not having one more. Not now. Not even in a few years, but when they are older and raised and Christmas rolls around, will I look around the room and wonder what the last one would have been like?
I am told that you'll know when you are done, but what if you don't, or what if your spouse doesn't agree? I am giving myself a year to change my mind, but right now, I think that the regret will kill me more than the long night hours and the financial strain of me not going back to work for ANOTHER 2 years. Thanks for letting me vent, and good luck with your decision. It won't be easy either way.
PS I totally admire you for taking on those 5ks! You're awesome!

We're in that position about having a SECOND child. Exactly. Minus the foster/adopt ideas, but totally with you on not wanting to be done with feeling kicks and flutters, and for me, it's wanting to see how much more I'd appreciate babyhood with a second child. Brad feels about a 2nd much the way that Luke seems to about a 3rd though, so we are still in discussions. We are young enough to not really need a final answer yet though which is nice!

I bet we will be right there with you on this debate in about a year! We both agree that we don't want more than 3. But, I don't think either of us is sure about #3. We used to be 2 and done people, but three is becoming more of a possibility these days.

As for kicks and flutters, I could be done for a while. I am tired of being kept up at night by them! But during the day, they are so fun!

I always wanted 3. After Dean was born and I truly felt the effects of pre-eclampsia and an emergency c-section, Marcus and I decided 2 might be the magic number. Now that we know that more biological babies are not in the cards for us, we've kind of made peace with it. The day we found out we couldn't have more, I was heartbroken. Then Marcus reminded me that there will always be kids in our life, whether they are our college-aged students, our neices and nephews or another child who needs us and finds his or her way to us. I think you're the same way--you'll always have kids in your life and you'll find your own way to take care of them, even if they don't spring from your own womb.

And at the risk of sharing TMI, I am SO done with birth control. We've been together 11 years, we're done having babies, let's do something about this. There are two words going around our house a lot these days: SNIP and SNIP! (His idea, by the way.)

My husband and I are struggling with this very thing. And what makes it harder is that I have two boys rather than one of each. It's hard not to want to try for that little girl. My children aren't as close as yours with almost 3 years between them, but I'm looking forward to when I would need to get pregnant to keep that same distance (February) and I just don't feel ready. I don't know if I'll ever feel ready for to be pregnant again as much as I want another baby. I'm finally starting to get settled in my career. I'm working on my degree. My toddler will be potty-trained soon. Do I really want to start the baby stage over? It's such a difficult question. It's always nice to read that I'm not alone.

You don't need to do birth control your entire 30s. We have one (all we wanted, at least biologically) and after a VERY difficult pregnancy, I said never again.

I had an IUD from my 6 week post partum appt until this past April (2 yrs.). Then the husband got a vastectomy.

Any guy who won't get one is selfish, IMO. After all, we manage birth control and pregnancy and recovery (whether c-section or vaginal, it is a recovery). The procedure took 45 minutes, including prep and filling out forms. He sat for one day and took it easy for the next couple. Then he was fine, said it was no big deal.

I just don't think that women should have to be responsible for birth control for years. Or that you have to prop up whatever condom manufacturer for years on end.

@Melissa: To your overall point, yes, I agree that birth control is not the sole responsibility of one partner (i.e., the woman). But that's not happening with Luke and me. I don't feel comfortable with hormonal birth control, and while watching my cycle worked before we had Kara, now that we know I get pregnancy pretty easily, it's not a method we want to rely on anymore. So for us, this means condoms until we are for sure settled on the issue of more (biological) children. Once we agree that we're done, Luke will get The Snip. So when I say contraception, I mean short-term birth control, not permanent sterilization, and I don't want to deal with the issue of contraception for years on end. That's just one of the reasons I'm thinking so much about this now.

I've written about this before, but if you're a new reader, you wouldn't have known that. No worries.

Thanks for commenting!

I didn't realize it would be so hard to make these decisions either. My husband and I always knew we wanted children, but how many never felt settled. He says he's done. I'm kind of done with the years of pregnancy/breastfeeding/low libido/no sleep/crying/whining/diapers myself. But like Cookie, I've got two boys and would love a girl. I don't really want to be pregnant again, but the idea of never feeling the flutter of a little kick inside me or snuggling with a newborn is a bit heartbreaking. You've got age on your side--I'm already 35; to be smart I need to get cracking in another year or so if we want 3. And yeah...there's the $ and the stalled career (for me). Argh.

Hi. I just wanted to say that photograph of you at 40 weeks is absolutely adorable. My husband took many similar photos of me sleeping and earth shatteringly large during my pregnancy and I can't bear to look at them but I find other women in these poses oh so charming.

I'm 35 and hope we can have another child in a year or two. But we've been having similar discussions for the past 4 years as I'm unable to use hormonal contraception and being super fertile we don't want to leave anything to chance. We've gone round and round all the possibilities (condoms are the answer, albeit with continual complaints from pouting husband) with the answer being "Why haven't they ever been able to come up with a male pill???"

I've been reading for a little while now, and just thought I would leave a comment. I also have a baby who was 11 lbs. at birth. I also got pregnant when he was six months old. I'm due at the end of March. I've always wanted four, but we will see how it goes with 2 who are 15 months apart first. :)

I'm still about to have my first baby and is so excited about it. I never thought the feeling of wanting-a-baby-but-not-ready-for-it will come. I told my self that I'll have a maximum of 2 children only. So I hope I can stick to it.

I guess this has nothing to do with the blog posted but I used to read your Parents blog and was very said to see it end. Luckily, I found this one and really enjoy it. I have an almost 3 year old and a 5 month old and can relate to pretty much everything you write about. It is nice to see that someone else is going through the same things. Plus - I love the babysitters club! Keep up the good work! There - now I am not a lurker anymore.

I also migrated over from Parents. My (surprise!) second baby came along one day shy of 12 months after the first. And I go to work every day while my husband stays at home with them, not because it was our first choice, but because it made the most sense financially. Sometimes I look at my two girls and think they are absolutely enough for me and I could do without going through the newborn stage ever again. But then the thought of never giving birth again is too sad to even think about! (They are 5 months and 17 months, so do I need to make a decision now? NO! But do I neeeeeeed to make one? YES!)

All of this to say, I appreciate your writing!

I know why its so important i waited for my third and regret it dreadfully.... I have had three miscarriages now and wish i hadn't waited.

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