One year, again

For Kara's first birthday, I spent all night sizing pictures in Photoshop and racking my brain to extract stand-out moments for each month of her life. It only took three weeks for me to write her birth story - a four-part, minute-by-minute installment no less. I filled a quarter of her baby book by the time she turned eight weeks old. In other words, I've never had a problem formally documenting her life.

Yet I've been chewing on this post all weekend.

Originally I planned to weave my thoughts into a twelve-month update like I did for Kara's two-year post, but seeing as I published his eleven-month update just last week, I'm not exactly drowning in material there. Then I thought it might be a good time to finally write his birth story, except I haven't been able to purge more than a few sentences before I'm  breaking into a cold sweat because I DON'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING and my observations from the hospital aren't as detailed as they were with Kara. A freaking year ago, and still I need more time.

It's a hard pill for me to swallow, the fact that Kara's received so much literary fanfare while Nathan waits patiently for me to get my act together. I know he's only a toddler (a toddler!) and doesn't care a whit about such things; as a boy, he may never even ask about his baby book, but I am his mother and it matters to me. I made time for these rituals for Kara. Why is it so hard for me to do the same for him?

Trying to answer that question could very well eat me alive, so instead of rushing into some neatly packaged entry just to bring my son up to par with his sister, I'm just going to say what's in my heart.

Which is this: I have an amazing boy. Amazing! He is walking and chattering and eating pizza and drinking milk and just this afternoon we donned him in winter gear and pulled him around in a sled in the backyard. A year ago I couldn't have imagined this day, I was just nervous and excited to have another baby, and it was impossible to fathom that one day he would grow up to be older, to not be a baby, to become his own unique person instead of "just" my second child. I knew the basics of dealing with a newborn, I dreamed about the kids being eight and nine and the four of us having incredible adventures, but I have never been able to see Nathan as any age older than what he is. Even now with hair brushing his forehead and four teeth fighting to break through his top gums, I can't picture what he'll be like at two years old, or even eighteen months. I can see Kara, sort of, probably because she's a girl and bears such a strong resemble to me, but also because for as long as I wanted to be a mother, I have visualized having a daughter. Everything about Nathan - from his personality down to his very conception - has been a wonderful, complicated surprise.

To be honest, though, sometimes complicated outweighed the wonderful. Those first few months were some of the hardest of my life. Before Nathan was born, Luke and I thought we had it all figured out, having already parented one baby and experiencing all the ups and downs of that tumultuous first year. We knew we didn't have to follow every single piece of advice doled out by a medical professional, knew the importance of sleeping when the baby sleeps, knew it was okay to trust our gut on which routines and choices would best work for our family. What we didn't know was how truly easy we had it with Kara - her willingness to sleep, her ease in taking to the bottle, her acceptance of having her diaper changed without breaking glass with the volume of her cries. And on top of all that he was screamy and gassy and I was already paralyzed with guilt over not wanting to nurse anymore and we weren't sure if it was the formula or the bottle or what. All that knowledge gleaned from Kara and still we had to start over.

 

If you can't beat 'em, sob with 'em.

But it was a good lesson to learn, that parenting will always humble you, that children in the same family can be different in ways you never expected and battling through each challenge will make you appreciate their individuality even more. Nathan didn't sleep like Kara, didn't read like Kara, didn't even grow like Kara, but his character traits have been equally endearing nonetheless. His vocabulary at twelve months is larger than Kara's was at a year and a half; he's more adventurous with new foods (so far, anyway) and more spirited overall, thriving in chaos and noise, especially if he's the one making it.

I may not document all his quirks and mannerisms as often as I should, or even remember important facts as vividly as I should, but oh, my goodness, do I love my little boy. I love his bright smile and grabby fingers and cuddly neck and infectious hyena-like laugh. I love that he wants to sit on my lap at dinnertime even if keeping him from turning over my plate turns into an Olympic event. I love that he clings to me so much despite us being apart for such a large chunk of the work week.

Have I told you how much I love my son?

Happy birthday, Nathan, my favorite little handsome.

Month One

 

 

 

Month Two

  

Month Three

 

Month Four

 

 

Month Five  

 

 

Month Six

 

 

 

Month Seven

 

 

 

Month Eight 

 

 

Month Nine

 

 

 

Month Ten

  

 

 

Month Eleven 

  

 

 

Month Twelve (aka today)

 

And last but not least...

The One-Year Recap

And what a year it was.

Comments

[debi]

Oh gee, has it been a year already? Your kids are so cute. You did a great job on the video. I know cuz I'm cryin.

[Jess]

Mine were 13 months apart, too. Girl first, then boy.

They're 5 and 6 now, and I honestly still cannot remember the day kid 2 was born. I have a two year period that my memories don't cover, although I know I was there because I have pictures. Though not as well-catalogued as those with my first.

Don't get me started on the baby book. Actually, at this point, I don't even know where it is.

My point is that my kids are older now. My son is the happiest, silliest little man, and he has not been left feeling less or not as much because I don't remember the details. My kids are best friends, and both of them have a VERY definite sense of their value and worth in the world and in this family.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it seems so lopsided and unfair, but in reality, it is. You can't be the same parent to two that you were to one, and that's actually okay. Both kids will benefit from that, believe me. My daughter is a better person for having my son.

[Jen L.]

What a sweet pumpkin. Happy birthday to Nathan and congrats to your family on quite a year!

[rkmama]

Happy Birthday, Nathan!
Getting to one can be the hardest part for some babies- that was certainly the case with my second. Every day of this year Nathan's personality is going to come out and oh, boys are so fun, mischievous and sweet. You guys are in for an awesome year!

[Emmakirst]

Happy 1st birthday Nathan! The pictures are great :)

I have 5 children altogether. 2 children 17mos apart and my last 2 are 19mos apart...life is hectic, but we survive...sometimes i just sit in awe of the craziness/business that happens daily...but then i can't imagine life any other way....your family is gorgeous..here's to another fantastic year :)

[Grandma Molly]

Wonderful year with a wonderful little guy. I can't wait to hold him again.

[Molly]

I always love your reflective posts, and this no different. What an awesome job you guys have done with two babies this year! I had forgotten how difficult a baby's first year can be in between having Jackson and Marin (less than three years apart...no, I don't know how I didn't remember) but there have been definite moments in the baby chaos of my days this year that I have given mental kudos to you and Luke for doing it times two. Thank you, as always, for allowing my family to be a part of yours. We love you guys.

[AJU5's Mom]

Happy (belated) birthday Nathan!

My baby book is almost completely empty (as I am the youngest of four and we moved when I was about 3 months old). Sometimes I wish there were more pictures, but that is about it. And, my husband is making sure I take pictures of AJU6 so he doesn't get left out on the baby book thing (although my husband is the first and has lots of pictures of himself as a baby).

[Parsing Nonsense]

A beautiful birthday tribute!

[DaddyD]

I think it is more of a focus with the first child. First is first. Every detail is taken in 100 %, wheither it is that important or not even important.

The second child's actions are sorted by experience as to what is important or not. Older parents are wiser parents. That is just the way it is . Love is all around, but loves know what is what the second time around.

[eva]

Happy birthday Nathan! The rate you kids are growing up is starting to make me feel old!

And Bree...my sister is the youngest and there are way way fewer pictures of her than me. Guess what? She's totally well adjusted anyway!

[Veronica]

Happy Birthday little one. Welcome to the "one-year-old" club.
(My son was one on the 6th.)