I'm not sure of the exact moment I started feeling better, but I'm pretty sure it was sometime after Luke's and my latest round of Scrabble, the beginning of which is captured below.
First person to use these words in a sentence wins the award for "Dirtiest Internet Mind." God help us all.
Anyway, I do feel better. My recent blog entries proved to be the content of some pretty interesting conversations between Luke and me, and for the first time in ages, I feel like we are moving forward in a specific way towards our future, as opposed to floundering like fish. For us, "moving forward" means:
- Being open to more children but closing the chapter on growing more babies in my uterus (on purpose, at least).
- Exploring opportunities to move closer to family but not ruling out a permanent stay in central Indiana.
- Investigating new career possibilities.
- Remaining in this house until we know for sure where our next career paths will take us.
On the surface it reads like nothing's changed on a tactical level, and that may be true, but on a big-picture scale, this is huge. For so long it felt like I personally was operating from a black-and-white standpoint, where option A was all that and a bag of chips and option B was crippling devastation. Like, having another baby was the best (seemingly only, at the time) way to spice up our family dynamic, while settling down as a party of four without an option for more biological children would be like completing a jigsaw puzzle save for the most important piece. Moving back home would meet all of our needs for friendship and connectedness, and residing here would damn us to a life of isolation and misery. I felt pulled in conflicting directions and limited in my capacity to be the best version of myself, and it was affecting all the areas of my life.
Luckily, I have a very understanding husband who is willing to talk me through these middle-class, post-thirty sorts of crises. I also clocked a lot of driving time last weekend to attend a wedding shower up north, which gave me some time to reflect and ponder and dream. In the end, I was able to see more clearly that the grass on my side of the fence is growing just fine, thank you very much, albeit a little dry and brittle. But so what. I have a sprinkler. I can replenish my lawn.
(Your mom replenishes her lawn!)
(I'm back, baby!)
Kara's first night in her big girl bed this past Saturday. Two sets of smiles, only one crier.
Because I am still in a pensive mood and this is my blog so you have to listen to every word I say, let's elaborate. Take the issue of more children, which I not so subtly hinted at in my last entry. To three or not to three has been on my mind since we brought Nathan home from the hospital. Before then, Luke and I were both open to three. Afterwards, we weren't, at least for the first few months. And then, suddenly, I was. But Luke wasn't. Even after endless pestering and hypothesizing from me. (I know!) Eleven months ago, he STILL wasn't. And today: still, no.
And oh, did I fight this idea. I kept telling myself it was just a matter of time, that he needed to be away from the newborn stage long enough to miss it, that one day he would stand in the doorway with arms crossed and a tear in his eye as he observed the products of our love delight in each other's company, and he would bring me in for a hug and whisper, "Hell, what's one more, right?" And we would run upstairs right then and there to do the deed, giggling the whole time, and when we were done he'd lay his head on my stomach in anticipation of the life we had just created. Because that's probably what happened on an episode of Family Ties. Or maybe Growing Pains. That show was always the racier of the two.
But surprise! Life is not a 30-minute sitcom. Luke is not up for having another baby. The man's 36. I need to let him be done.
Plus, it's not even like he's saying no to more children. He's still interested in foster parenting and adoption for an out-of-diapers demographic as previously discussed, and pinky-swears he's not just saying this to appease me in the short term. But still, I wasn't ready to let go of baybee number three.
And as hard as it might be to believe, I did try. I told everyone, when asked, that we were finished with babies and Luke was going to get snipped and 13 months is an awfully close age gap and really it's better this way. But I never fully believed it.
And because he knows me so well, Luke didn't, either. So when I told him two Fridays ago that I wanted another baby, I could just have easily stated that the sky is blue. His reaction would have been the same.
"Okay."
"I'm not trying to change your mind," I said, and I meant it. "I just need to be honest about my feelings."
"Okay."
And yesterday, when I told him to start making calls for the snip, he said "okay" to that, too.
You guys. This is such a messy topic, how many kids to have, and not black-and-white at all. I think I was looking for the perfect answer that gives me complete peace. And I am finally trying to accept that such an answer does not exist for me. Would I welcome another baby? Yes. Would I be a loving mother to that baby? Yes. Would three babies/toddlers be an absolute blast? Yes. It would be wonderful.
Nathan, 18 months, 26.2 pounds, height already forgotten. Who wouldn't be up for another child when they come out this good-looking?
The stress would probably also kill me.
Not the run-of-the-mill "adding another person to the family" stress, but my specific circumstances. Being a working mom, for one, and coping with being separated from yet another infant for (at least) forty hours a week, while mourning the life of a stay-at-home mom and all the perks that go wth it, again. Being a person who is not instinctively patient, who benefits from regular doses of "me" time, who is doing her best to break unhealthy cycles decades in the making. None of these things would have kept me from having another baby, but it certainly would have made the experience ten times more frustrating. And in the process of accepting Luke's feelings, I need to acknowledge that in a lot of ways, this works out pretty well for me, too.
Same thing with where to live, and wanting an easy answer. Again last weekend, again for the zillionth time, I proposed the idea to Luke of moving closer to our families, and for the first time we actually had a productive dialogue about it, outlining what would need to be in place in order to make it happen. Later, on my own, I began to consider, maybe also for the first time, what we might lose if we stayed.
Another tough set of questions here. When it comes to family, how far is too far? Do I have it in me to forgo a "Wednesday night dinner" type of relationship with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and friends during such formative years? Can I be just as useful and influential in their lives? On the flip side, how close is too close? Can I handle taking on a larger role of responsibility for issues I currently witness from the sidelines? Will I regret it if I don't?
Again, no black and white here. There is dark and light to everything. But at least I have the opportunity to ask the questions, make a choice, and follow it through. Not everyone is so lucky.
This new heightened sense of awareness has me feeling a little like Neo in The Matrix when he finally realizes the magnitude of his power and stops bullets with the simple raise of his hand. That's where I am now: paralyzing obstacles, discovering my potential. It's a good place to be.
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And now, photos.
I know the quality is poor, but I adore this shot of Kara and me at my company's "Bring Your Family to Work Day" a couple Fridays ago. People constantly call her my Mini-Me, and I just eat it up.
I'm also loving this one of me and my boy, with my jack-o-lantern grin and his piercing, dark-eyed stare. And the pout, of course, to die for.
We are making it, friends. I am making it. Thanks for hanging in there.
My mercy it's good to hear from you. This is an exciting (and terrifying) time in life. I'm so glad you and Luke are so good together and take the time to work these things out. I think our whole "baby club" is hitting the point where we're having to make some big honkin' decisions about our lives. And I'd say we're all taking it in stride pretty well. Maybe we're going to be good at this grown-up thing after all.
(As long as we've gooooooot each ooootherrrr!) (Had to.) (Your mom had to.)
Posted by: Jen L. | August 17, 2010 at 09:37 AM
As always, Frema, you wrote a very thought provoking post.
Being just days away from giving birth to my second I've actually been thinking a lot about a third. But The King, like Luke, isn't really interested. Anyway, thanks for offering your thoughts on the matter.
(Also, I wouldn't live by my family if you paid me. But hey, some people really like it. Maybe you would!)
Posted by: Isabel | August 17, 2010 at 11:32 AM
I'm glad to hear you're coming to some peace on everything and feel like you're moving forward instead of floundering. You SOUND so much happier talking about it that you have previously, which makes me happy for you.
Posted by: Dawn | August 17, 2010 at 12:26 PM
We're solid on our "to three or not to three" (for us it's to three but not for a couple years. We need the distance from screaming infants). But we have come to a place (and when I say we I mean I) where I'd like to move away from my family, my state, and the city I spent most of the last 2 decades in. I want an adventure. I want to pick a place on the map and see if we can make it, just us 4. We are in the very beginning stages of this, just putting out feelers but it's a start. We're giving the possibilities a chance to work themselves into something or fizzle out.
I'm glad you're back.
Posted by: rkmama | August 17, 2010 at 09:50 PM
I couldn't help myself - I had to try. "The prince, who held a strong belief in the truth, was stumbling in the dark and began to grope for his radio but banged his knee, so he played the cello in lieu of calling the friar for help." Not dirty at all!! :-)
We are very much on the fence of "to three or not to three". We actually would love to three but right now education and finances stand in the way. We are taking a "wait and see" approach to that subject for now.
And we have no intention whatsoever of leaving central Indiana. Bloomington is our home and it will stay that way for quite some time.
Good luck in deciding!
Posted by: Brandy | August 18, 2010 at 04:14 PM
I don't envy you at all. I was always worried that I would never know when to stop, because I loved kids and newborns so much. Then we wrestled with whether or not to have a 4th (we had always said we wanted 4)...life was getting easier, I hated being pregnant, etc. But in the future, we saw ourselves with 4 kids. We were going to revisit the subject again in the fall, but apparently God had other plans. Now pregnant with our 4th, I'm very certain this is the last, and I'm enjoying every "last" moment. All of my friends talked about having this feeling and knowing they were done, and now I know what they mean. Maybe that means you're supposed to have a third and then you'll get your feeling? I don't know, but I just wanted to empathize with you because we were there....
Posted by: Debbie | August 25, 2010 at 12:35 PM