Go your own way

Well. That certainly was a lot of emotional vomit I spewed onto your monitors last week, wasn't it? Sorry about that. But if it helps any, it sure made me feel a whole lot lighter.

The biggest reassurance throughout this recent Self-Discovery 2.0 is that as I evaluate each major life choice, I'm still pretty sure that I/we made the right one.

The biggest was my decision five years ago to accept a new job opportunity in Indianapolis, a decision that placed two hundred and forty minutes and almost three hundred miles worth of distance between me, my parents, my siblings, and all of my closest friends. And in the five years that I've lived here, I have missed a lot. Ryan's wedding shower before her husband's move to Germany. The birth of my first nephew. Being within arm's reach for countless family crises, and unavailable for any function falling on a Sunday afternoon. It is something I have wrestled with on an almost daily basis. And while I know that many people are separated by even more hours and even more miles and make it work splendidly, it has never been a comfortable separation for me. I still think about the job offer that could have been and how things might have been different if only I had chosen a zip code closer to home.

But I am still glad to be here. Thanks to THIS zip code, Luke and I have carved out our own path together and learned to make it on our own, and we have two beautiful babies, and a stay-at-home parent, and a secure job with a thriving company, and a ridiculously affordable cost of living, all at a quieter pace and in the type of community-like atmosphere that is harder to find in the area where I grew up. That is not to say that we will always stay here or that we aren't considering life outside these walls, but I am grateful to have started out here, and we are in a better position to know what we want out of life as a result of having made this choice.

Our second most important decision, in my opinion, was to buy our house. This twelve-year-old house that seemed bright and perky enough when we signed on the dotted line but has revealed more wear and tear than we anticipated. Once again, it inspires the same cycle of questions, Luke and I wondering if we should have coughed up the extra forty dollars a month to go with one of the houses that didn't require brand new carpet from top to bottom or a new sliding glass door or brand new windows or a drastic revamp of the back yard or the eventual purchase of a brand new A/C unit. We are now an extra forty minutes and twenty-five miles away from our families, and in the spring I will have a forty-five-minute commute to work, and I never liked the exterior to begin with, and we detest the lack of cabinet space (and yes, still, the cabinets themselves). It's hard not to walk into other people's homes and ooh and aah over the features they have that we so desperately want for ourselves--bigger eating area, more storage, classier entranceway, sturdier bathroom elements. All of that in addition to more accessible options for organic produce, and less motherf*&!ing construction.

Round and round we would go while studying our financial situation to determine how much of a hit would we take on this investment if we were to put it up for sale tomorrow, how long we'd have to stay here before the money we've poured into this place (so far) isn't flushed down the toilet, the amount of money needed to fit it to our liking, the debt we're willing to accrue in the name of buying our dream home. This is where the green-eyed monster tempts me most, because of its intimate nature. This is where I eat my breakfast and pay our bills and tuck our children into bed, and it's hard to fall in love with your home when all you can see are its flaws.

But despite those flaws, I reluctantly still believe we ended up with the best house available at the time. For one thing, the mortgage can't be beat. In the almost two years we have been here, we've paid less to the bank than we ever did to our apartment complex, with double the square footage and one hundred percent autonomy to boot. Unfortunately, we just learned that our escrow payments are going up by $116 next month, but tightening the purse strings even makes that doable, which wouldn't have been the case if our inital payment were higher. Plus, aside from our kitchen grumbles, the space meets all of our needs. Adequate number of bedrooms and baths, separate loft for the computer, open first floor to accommodate boxes of toys and the constant patter of little feet. Again, it's not like we'll plan our funerals here, but we have what we need, and we know now what we want for the future.

-------

On Friday I saw my ob/gyn for the obligatory annual check-up, and one of the topics that came up was my family history with cancer--two maternal aunts, one of whom has already passed away from brain cancer (she also had breast cancer) and another who's battling breast cancer in the late stages. We talked about options for genetic testing and ways to reduce risk in the event that were deemed necessary. It's a scary talk to have, that's for sure, and heart-wrenching to think about losing precious years with your husband and children and everyone else who loves you. I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about this and how important it is to be honest with yourself about what you want out of life. Like, maybe I want another baby, so what if my patience is already stretched thin with two kids and the mere thought of washing baby bottles again makes me want to hurl. Even if that path never come to fruition (Luke has definitely not changed his mind here), simply giving myself permission to say it without attempting to justify it is so freeing, like the equivalent of a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. There are tons more examples like this, goals without a strategic plan or pros and cons list, and I'm so excited to see where they end up, and how I will make the right ones a reality, and which ones will be left to God. At least I am open to the possibilities.

Comments

[daddyd]

Good thoughts, as always. Lifes events need to be thought out as one goes along. Sometimes the window of going along runs into the future. Those are harder problems to work on and solve. It is good to keep looking at the situation and constucting possible out comes.

[Jen L.]

Home ownership is often for the birds. I wish we'd sucked it up and rented for a year when we moved here instead of feeling so much pressure to buy. Now we have a mouse-infested house with half-assed renovations. Grrr.

Isn't this a weird place to be in life? We've been plowing through for years to get to those big "marriage-kids-career-home-owner" goals and now that we're there, it feels odd. I keep trying to figure out what the next big thing should be. I guess we all just need to sit still and breathe for a minute. Or drink more wine. Yes, let's do that.

[Jennifer]

Wow, this has turned into a really depressing blog!

[Frema]

@Jennifer: Sorry the last couple entries aren't to your liking! I don't consider this one to be depressing at all, though; if anything, it's positive since I am owning my choices and seeing the good in them. I'm feeling better than I have in days, and working out these thoughts played a huge role in that.

This is definitely not the first time I have written about topics like these, and it won't be the last, so if you don't stick around, I understand. It's been cathartic for me, though, so I will keep writing in a manner that feels most natural to me.

[daddyd]

Amen.

[eva]

I have found these last two entries thought-provoking in that "what am I doing, what are MY priorities" kind of way.

Also, I am fairly envious of the size of your house and generally low cost of living in Indy. And of your candor with sharing all these details of your life:)