As is two and a half, and two and seven months, and two and eleven months. Life, it is like a river, what with all the ebbs and flows and and rapid changes, and while the water is often delightful, there are many times throughout each day where I feel like HOLY CRAP, THIS RIVER IS KILLING ME.
This entry has been so difficult to write (hence, why it is also more than a month late) because Kara is not a baby anymore, and my interactions with her feel more intensely personal than when my primary concerns as a mother were breast or bottle, stroller or baby carrier, and cry-it-out or rock-it-out. We have in-depth conversations now about her friends Jack and Mary and Phil and Gertrude and how they like to go on picnics and ice skate in the dining room and Mommy, they are very nice, and oh yes, their parents are nice, too. We sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at bedtime, and when I come home from work she likes to come upstairs with me while I change into my sweat pants, and once I hit the closet, she cries out, "Hooray! You get to see your mommy again!" and runs to throw her arms around my legs. Last month, while reading one of our Christmas books and talking about Mary and Joseph being Jesus' parents, Kara said, "Mommy? Do I have parents?" Also, "Can I have a Christmas Day?"
Her ability to rationalize and think through a situation never ceases to amaze me. She is so smart, so thoughtful. I love her just as much as I did when she was a baby, but I appreciate her more as I discover more about the person she is and imagine who she will become, with all her contradictions, complexities, and surprises.
However, she has also reached an age where she can be held accountable for some of her actions and can more directly impact the dynamics of our relationship - intentional or otherwise. Meanwhile, I have reached the stage as a parent where my cognitive skills and foresight have become critical to all of us having a good day.
Before we hit this stage, Luke and I talked a lot about how we would handle issues from a discipline standpoint, and we both agreed that for our family, spanking/hitting is not a resource we care to add to our parenting toolbox. However, as a kid, I was hit all the time, for all kinds of reasons - meaning I have no personal experience with time-outs or anything resembling non-violence until I was too old for that sort of thing, and even then, there was still lots of yelling and little to none of that sit-down-at-the-kitchen-table-for-a-loving-but-firm-conversation-about-your-actions ala Full House or Family Ties.
In other words, I am totally winging this, relying on nothing but my own instincts, my ability to effectively communicate with my husband, knowledge and tips gleaned from numerous mommy blogs, and random episodes of Super Nanny.
Case in point: On the day of Kara's actual birthday, Luke and I planned to celebrate by taking her to Build-A-Bear. We had it all planned out: pick her up from school, drive the 45 minutes to the overcrowded mall where the store resided, let her pick out any animal she wanted (along with a few accessories), have a treat in the food court, and drive home for dinner and cake. Easy peasy, and heartwarming memories. Double score!
Actual turn of events: Pick her up from school. Drive the 45 minutes to Build-A-Bear. Spend TWO HOURS in the store as Kara bounced from area to area, touching all the unstuffed animal shells, claiming to want everything from the brown bunny to the blue bear to the gray owl but then promptly melting down when we tried to guide her to the stuffing machine. She wanted everything, and wanted nothing. It was an incurable bout of Indecision, with no cure in sight; if anything, they become more frequent as time goes on.
Anyway, the pivotal moment came when, after Luke and I suggested we visit another store to pick out something different, Kara threw herself down on the floor kicking and screaming and I had to carry her outside of the store. Together we sat to the side of the entrance, me holding her on my lap and repeating, "It's okay, it's okay," while she wiggled and cried and passersby looked down on us with wide eyes and that disapproving expression of, "Does that mother not know how to control her own child?" One woman actually came up to me to suggest ADDITIONAL WAYS to restrain my child. That was especially appreciated.
Eventually, though, Kara did calm down and settle on an animal to take home. The winner? Hello Effing Kitty. Surrounded by adorable furry creatures of all types and colors and she goes after the most commercial of the bunch. And it's not like she even knew who Hello Kitty was; apparently, it was love at seventy-millionth first sight.
And because our little Nathan was such a champ during the entire ordeal, we let him get something, too. He selected the black-and-white panda bear you see in the picture below and couldn't have been sweeter about it.
"Honey, are you SURE you don't want to reconsider? Maybe select a doll that doesn't make your mother's toes curl with disdain?"
She was sure.
Afterwards, because we left the mall so much later than planned and because we had no energy left to prepare anything at home, Luke and I took the kids to a nearby Mexican restaurant for dinner.
Wearing a happy face once again (both of them).
That night a surprise visitor made a special appearance, which delighted the children to no end. He, Mrs. Claus, and several elves were seated at a table directly across the room from us, and Kara and Nathan could not keep their eyes off them. And that's actually how they preferred him - at arm's length, as evidenced by this picture.
Ending the day on a brighter note.
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Kara's birthday didn't go at all how we planned, and it certainly wasn't fun to work through a tantrum in front of a crowd of strangers, but as we move through the Year of Three, I hope that more often than not I will be able to draw strength from that experience and remember how much of the outcome depended on my willingness to stay in control and not give in to the frustration that was building up inside of me. I'm not proud of the scene she caused, but I'm not embarrassed by how I handled it, either, and for me, that is the most important thing in the end. When all is said and done, the setbacks experienced in any given day become less important than my living, breathing response to them. I can't control my children's actions, but I can control my own, and commit to doing better when I fail.
Happy belated birthday, sweeheart.
(As always, mad props to Luke for the birthday video.)
What a great post. I think you did Kara's birthday justice. And your point about how you handle the situation being the most important is a good one. It's something that I think all parents struggle with.
Posted by: Amy | January 25, 2011 at 01:26 PM
I was raised a lot like you and wanted something different for my daughter. I really like Happiest Toddler on the Block and 1 2 3 Magic. They give great positive discipline techniques! Just a little assvice from a lurker. :)
Posted by: Ashley | January 25, 2011 at 01:40 PM
Dealing with children does have exasperating moments, but you and Luke seem to be two of the best parents ever. You have a wonderful, reasonable, nonviolent approach to child-raising.
I always love watching the video. I think that Kara will have many fond memories of this last year.
Posted by: Grandma Molly | January 25, 2011 at 03:06 PM
Yes, another lurker...I think you handled everything just great, and if someone offered advice to me on how to restrain my child in public my biggest problem would suddenly be not exposing my children to the tongue-lashing language the busybody might receive. On the other hand, I usually let my two year throw himself on the floor and just stand there until he's done. I have no shame. :) Like the person above said, though, 1 2 3 works, we use it all the time. Good luck! Sara
Posted by: Sara | January 25, 2011 at 08:36 PM
Ooooo I hate unsolicited advice. But way to go on handling the tantrum. I find that one of the very hardest things about parenting. My daughter is 3 and a half and I just am never sure how I am supposed to handle every fit. Ignore or deal with? Time-out or loss of privelege? I keep hoping it will get better (just in time for the next kid to start the fits)
Also, I hate Hello Kitty as well, and I have the same sippy cup as the one I saw peeking in a picture.
Posted by: Erica | January 26, 2011 at 12:50 AM
Happy Birthday to your beautiful daughter! The video was awesome. What program does Luke use? I'm sure the unsolicited advice was the first of many, or maybe not the first? People need to take the advice I give to my daughter...Worry about yourself. :)
Posted by: Erica | January 26, 2011 at 10:41 AM
Three is different. The sassy attitude is what is getting us. That, and AJU5 would rather go to time out and do as we ask. So, we have resorted to spanking with a spoon (or similar item). Actually, normally we just have to threaten and she gets right to action. I wonder what 4 will bring...
Posted by: AJU5's Mom | January 26, 2011 at 11:58 AM
3 is a whole different attitude! I am dealing with it on a daily basis and trying not to get angry. Telling mine that that is not the way you talk to your parents, it is ok to be upset and not want to do something, but the tone needs to change. Right before my sweet little 2 year old turned 3, the attitude showed up. I thought to myself neither one of us are going to make it to 4. For the most part she is a great little girl, but then there are the times that her attidtude shows up ( my hubby says it is all from me). I try to stay calm, but there are those days that it does not happen.
It sounds like you handled the situation in a great way. It is hard to stay calm in those situations. Wow on the lady telling you on how to restain your child! Brovo to you for not telling her off! Sounds like it was a lovely day with a little bit of a detour.
I love the video!
Posted by: kim | January 27, 2011 at 01:44 AM
I loved the video! She surely is getting so grown up, and so much fun. I can't wait to get together again soon. (Which we need to pick a day for!)
Next year's party invitation will surely read: FYI- our family already has every sort of building block. Please consider other gifts. Hahaha
Posted by: Molly | January 28, 2011 at 12:27 PM
Well done for staying calm! That is what I'm currently striving for every day. Some days are going better than others!
I can't spank for one reason... I am ashamed enough that my daughter has learned to yell from me yelling at her. I can't live with teaching her to hit.
Posted by: lisa | January 28, 2011 at 04:31 PM
It's a thankless job, and then at the end of the day, there are the onlookers who feel the need to give advice. Or even simply look at you as if there are antennae growing from your butt, because YOUR kid happens to be the one having a tantrum.
This is a really excellent post; bravo for your insight and courage.
Posted by: Cluelessmom | January 30, 2011 at 01:50 AM
I'm really late but wanted to comment on how much this post resonates with me. I also grew up in a house of yelling, and my dad disciplined when he was angry, not particularly consistently, and my mom just didn't discipline at all. It is tough to go from that to a different model, a different mindset, and really be winging it based on books and blogs and the wisdom of friends. Just wanted to say that I totally get it, that feeling of winging it, and just hoping that we're doing the right thing.
The other part that hit home was about how intensely personal life with a 3 year old has become - conversations are meaningful! Your kid may even remember bits of being three forever!
Oh and the number of times I have thought of a "treat" for Megan and it has blown up like your build a bear day...many many many times. sigh.
Posted by: eva | February 09, 2011 at 12:01 AM